Hi all, :new:
I posted this in the stories forum, but I wanted to post it here as well, since I really need as much feedback and support right now as possible.
This is my first post here. I don't quite know what to say so the easiest thing is to tell my story. I have been really battling with my alcohol abuse for the past year (I'm 26) and read Koren Zailckas's book, Smashed, recently, which prompted me to start to come clean and accept my problem drinking, even though I admitted it to my best friend about six months ago (but no one else, even family).
I was actually a relatively "good girl" in high school and college. I've had a 4.0 since 8th grade and I just graduated with my master's and will be starting my PhD next year. I really didn't drink in college, mostly because I didn't have access to alcohol and my boyfriend in college had his best friend killed by a drunk driver. I drank moderately, but not problematically, my last year or so of college, but nothing remotely abnormal or serious.
I moved to NYC after college, which I absolutely have loved and finally feel at home here more than anywhere else I have ever been. I entered grad school at NYU and took up the typical NYC lifestyle, punctuated by happy hours, late night drinking binges in dive bars and downtown pubs, and morning after brunches. Over the past few years, my occasional binge drinking combined with the stress of my personal and professional life, and the general pressures of living in NYC and keeping up with the "drinking Joneses" has led me to live a life that involved way more alcohol than I would have liked. I feel like I literally can't see my friends except in an environment that involves alcohol, and when I do, I drink way too much to deal with my own internal stresses. When I don't have a happy hour or party to be at, I find myself coming home with several bottles of wine and a six pack of beer, often drinking a bottle or more, plus several beers and shots, in my bedroom by myself each night.
This kind of life has gotten me in more trouble than I care to remember. I've found myself in friends' basements lost because I couldn't figure out how to get to the lobby and out to a cab, passed out in the foyer of my own building only to wake up to a neighbor's dog sniffing at me at 3am, and in drunken fist fights with friends and ex-boyfriends on random street corners at all hours of the night. I miss work somewhat regularly because I'm hungover or just too exhausted to get out of bed after a night of drinking. I've called my mom in the middle of the night and made her drive into the city (from about 2 hours away in PA) because I literally had a psychotic episode while drunk and couldn't be consoled without her presence. The most recent and most disappointing episode was missing my mother's day brunch with my mom because I was too drunk after drinking jack daniel's and crying all night to get out of bed.
The past few weeks my drinking has escalated. I come home most nights and drink more than most people drink in a week. I crave alcohol constantly. It is my friend and the soother of my worries and anxieties. I know this is bad. I have a master's degree in public health and work in substance abuse research, so this area is not foreign to me. But I don't know how to extract myself from it. Or what to do at night to calm my frazzled nerves other than drink two bottles of wine and a half a bottle of some kind of booze. I am so unhappy with my life and the way I make my body feel. But at the same time, feel powerless to do anything about it. I can't imagine surviving in my group of friends (who I love so much and who are really wonderful and terrific people) without drinking being apart of our comradry. Perhaps that's the problem, that I can't see beyond that.
I don't think AA is the right place for me. I've done 12 step groups in the past for other issues and I don't think the philosophy is the right one for me. But at the same time, I feel like I need something to hold on to, and to know other people who are like me and grapple with these same things. I just feel like I need someone to unload to right now because there is really no one else for me to talk to and I feel so alone in this. I am very close to my boss....he is a wonderful man (also gay) who treats me like his little sister and has been very open with me for many years about his own issues (he is a recovering drug addict and also HIV-positive)...and am eyeing him up as the person I want to 'come out' to with my problem. Don't worry, we have a very close and unique relationship, and I trust not only his opinion, but also his ability to keep my concerns private and confidential despite our professional relationship. I know that my career would never be in any way jepordized by talking to him, which is why I have chosen him over anyone else. But I also want to just receive some feedback and support from others. Like I said, I have been to 12 step groups in the past, because of issues with a relationship way in my past and not because of my own addiction, but am still not sure that is the right place for me. Your support right now in any way would be so much appreciated.
Thank you for listening.
Love,
NYCGirl
I posted this in the stories forum, but I wanted to post it here as well, since I really need as much feedback and support right now as possible.
This is my first post here. I don't quite know what to say so the easiest thing is to tell my story. I have been really battling with my alcohol abuse for the past year (I'm 26) and read Koren Zailckas's book, Smashed, recently, which prompted me to start to come clean and accept my problem drinking, even though I admitted it to my best friend about six months ago (but no one else, even family).
I was actually a relatively "good girl" in high school and college. I've had a 4.0 since 8th grade and I just graduated with my master's and will be starting my PhD next year. I really didn't drink in college, mostly because I didn't have access to alcohol and my boyfriend in college had his best friend killed by a drunk driver. I drank moderately, but not problematically, my last year or so of college, but nothing remotely abnormal or serious.
I moved to NYC after college, which I absolutely have loved and finally feel at home here more than anywhere else I have ever been. I entered grad school at NYU and took up the typical NYC lifestyle, punctuated by happy hours, late night drinking binges in dive bars and downtown pubs, and morning after brunches. Over the past few years, my occasional binge drinking combined with the stress of my personal and professional life, and the general pressures of living in NYC and keeping up with the "drinking Joneses" has led me to live a life that involved way more alcohol than I would have liked. I feel like I literally can't see my friends except in an environment that involves alcohol, and when I do, I drink way too much to deal with my own internal stresses. When I don't have a happy hour or party to be at, I find myself coming home with several bottles of wine and a six pack of beer, often drinking a bottle or more, plus several beers and shots, in my bedroom by myself each night.
This kind of life has gotten me in more trouble than I care to remember. I've found myself in friends' basements lost because I couldn't figure out how to get to the lobby and out to a cab, passed out in the foyer of my own building only to wake up to a neighbor's dog sniffing at me at 3am, and in drunken fist fights with friends and ex-boyfriends on random street corners at all hours of the night. I miss work somewhat regularly because I'm hungover or just too exhausted to get out of bed after a night of drinking. I've called my mom in the middle of the night and made her drive into the city (from about 2 hours away in PA) because I literally had a psychotic episode while drunk and couldn't be consoled without her presence. The most recent and most disappointing episode was missing my mother's day brunch with my mom because I was too drunk after drinking jack daniel's and crying all night to get out of bed.
The past few weeks my drinking has escalated. I come home most nights and drink more than most people drink in a week. I crave alcohol constantly. It is my friend and the soother of my worries and anxieties. I know this is bad. I have a master's degree in public health and work in substance abuse research, so this area is not foreign to me. But I don't know how to extract myself from it. Or what to do at night to calm my frazzled nerves other than drink two bottles of wine and a half a bottle of some kind of booze. I am so unhappy with my life and the way I make my body feel. But at the same time, feel powerless to do anything about it. I can't imagine surviving in my group of friends (who I love so much and who are really wonderful and terrific people) without drinking being apart of our comradry. Perhaps that's the problem, that I can't see beyond that.
I don't think AA is the right place for me. I've done 12 step groups in the past for other issues and I don't think the philosophy is the right one for me. But at the same time, I feel like I need something to hold on to, and to know other people who are like me and grapple with these same things. I just feel like I need someone to unload to right now because there is really no one else for me to talk to and I feel so alone in this. I am very close to my boss....he is a wonderful man (also gay) who treats me like his little sister and has been very open with me for many years about his own issues (he is a recovering drug addict and also HIV-positive)...and am eyeing him up as the person I want to 'come out' to with my problem. Don't worry, we have a very close and unique relationship, and I trust not only his opinion, but also his ability to keep my concerns private and confidential despite our professional relationship. I know that my career would never be in any way jepordized by talking to him, which is why I have chosen him over anyone else. But I also want to just receive some feedback and support from others. Like I said, I have been to 12 step groups in the past, because of issues with a relationship way in my past and not because of my own addiction, but am still not sure that is the right place for me. Your support right now in any way would be so much appreciated.
Thank you for listening.
Love,
NYCGirl
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