My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

[greysquirrel]

Hi guys,
Noob here. Just started day 1 of trying to "fix" my head. Have not bought Roberta's book but it turns out I have been down a very similar path. Once I saw the excerpt, thought I would try a combination therapy like say mentioned to finally quit drinking before I give up and go to rehab. Took 25 mgs of topamax last night. Below is my backstory and a list of things I have already tried over the years.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/tell-us-your-story/95410-finally-fill-drink.html#post1743306

Supplements (I've used the top 4 for weightlifting for years, glad to know they have other uses):
Amino fuel
B complex big 100
vitamin c
zinc
folic acid
l-glutamine
NAC
primerose
ashwaganda
l-tryptophan (for sleep and serotonin)

AA - didn't do much for me. I was young and I hate thinking I am utterly helpless, although against alcohol I may be (TBD)

Moderation management - helped get a few ABS days in but was hard to keep up the level of will power. The CBT I learned here helped.

The Sinclair Method - it works but not as much as I hoped for me, just ended up spacing out the episodes. I got off drinking daily because of it.

Hypnosis - helped me get my mindset into not wanting a drink, until I would get lax. Still listen to the tapes on occasion

Topamax - I am just starting this now. I can go weeks (like 2 or 3) without a drink but will power drops, I get lax, and the cravings kick in

This will be my last shot at trying to do this on my own. Got to face the music. I really wish I could just quit like my old man says "why don't you just quit" (thanks for the advance pops :cuss but alas it isn't so simple for me.

Took my first 25 mgs of topa last night and HF!. I felt drunk AF (not alcohol free), head spinning and everything, ended up knocking out. Is that normal on that little? I did have a week long binge with a 2 day break in the middle leading up to it. So far, not really thinking about the next drink or craving too much.

[Pie]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Welcome greysquirrel! I did use Antabuse for several months early on; it was an important safety net for me. Sorry I have no experience with Topamax. There is a Medication, Research and Support section of the forums that you could check in. Not sure how many folks are posting there these days, but no doubt there's a ton of reading you could do following a search on Topamax.

Have you checked out the Toolbox thread? https://www.mywayout.org/community/j...-tool-box.html

[available]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Welcome Grey

I think i tried most of what you have although i did have liver detox pills. not sure how they worked when i was still drinking. Oh if we could only have $1 for everytime some said why dont you just stop, its like telling any addict that, just doesnt work even as much as we ourselves want it. When i gave up drinking i told my mother and she said "i wish you had given up smoking". FFS my brother died from alcoholism but we cannot change peoples perspectives on their views, we can only do what is right for us.

I have no knowledge of the medications either. I decided my life was done with drink in it and MWO has been my main source of sobriety. Being accountable and with a bunch of people that truly understand has helped me stay sober.

If you can do 2-3 weeks sober with the right tools you can follow through on that. i could not do a day between drinking, always promised i would stop in the morning and by late afternoon i was planning that next drink.

the newbies nest is a great place to say hello.

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Thanks Pie. Over the years, I've done voluminous amounts of readying over the years as to why and what I have done to myself. I also have milk thistle for the liver which helps. I'll keep readying on about topa and I've been reading the tool box post, but as long as it takes away those cravings that rear their head ever so often I'll be happy. Just figured this would be one last pit stop before I let doctors take over. Outwardly, I still look young and I'm very active but I'd hate to see what my organs look like. Lol.

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Thanks available. I'll keep checking in to update my progress. And yes you are absolutely right, it helps having people who understand what you are going through.

[starty]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi Grey. I used Kudzu and Lglut which I found helped with the cravings, plus All One, an amino acid powder. My main source of inspiration and support was checking in here each day to make me accountable and gain insight into addiction. Never tried the topa though. This place is wonderful for inspiration and support. Welcome and good luck on your journey

[Pavati]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi, Squirrel--

I found the three keys were 1) admitting I couldn't drink any more and have the life I want (husband, kids, job), 2) getting in-person support with a 1:1 therapist (maybe I could lie to myself, but talking to someone face to face made it real for me), and 3) checking in here daily and getting the support from a sober community.

There were other supplemental things, too - Exercise daily, the Bubble Hour podcast, sobriety blogs and memoirs, lavender baths, etc. The problem with will power is that it doesn't work. Set your life up around sobriety and you'll get there!

Welcome

Pav

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Day 2 came and went. I didn't think I would have that much of a problem since I've gotten used to taking days off. It's usually when I'm not looking and I think, okay just a couple, sometimes I manage to keep it to a few, many times not. Then the cravings would set in. Its something having to do with acute hypoglycemia which is why the l-glut helps with cravings (especially simple sugars like alcohol) from everything I read. Spent most of the day busy changing my oil, running errands, and on here.

Starty, I tried kudzu years ago when I was doing moderation management. Didn't work as well for me unfortunately, just made me feel a little bloated. I ended up drinking right through it.

Pavati, I agree. You have to take inventory of yourself and your priorities first and then make the honest effort to get yourself help. Keeping busy is something I learned from CBT that helped me get over a few hurdles when I thought I couldn't.

FYI, I probably babble a bit about things people already know here i.e. the l-glut, but I'm using this as much as a place to vent as a place to learn. Typing out things I've have read helps me learn/remember them better.

-GS

[starty]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

I found the lglut really helpful. Babble away, we like it

[TribalRose]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Greysquirrel I've done a lot of stuff to suppress my urge to drink. Pills & shots. Hoping the best for you

Rose

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Day 3, still no drink. But here is usually where I start to feel safe in my own skin and I've let my guard down in the past. Good thing is that it is Tuesday, so it will be easier to ABS. Memorial day weekend will probably be harder with bbq's and such. Some of the topa side affects are settling down too. Not as dizzying anymore, but 25mg still makes me really tired. Can't see how people can take it in the mornings, hopefully that will go away. I plan on bumping up to 50mg this weekend.

Couple of things I noticed, had a few bad dreams last night. Like angry dreams. I'm sure it's not from the topa because right about now is when my testosterone normally rebounds and I would have felt those flashes of aggression anyways (happened when I went cold turkey a few times). I'd normally take 5htp to mellow me out, but maybe later. Also, the tingling in the face has lessened. Still no cognition issues.

The dreams are a new one though. It's like my brain is saying, I need my drugs now. I am also voraciously hungry, I did hit the weights last night but I'm not usually this hungry in the mornings even after going to the gym.

-GS

[available]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Great work on day 3 Grey, i remember for me that when i did 7 days straight i was pretty damn happy with myself. that had not occurred in years and years. Then i just kept plodding along.

With regards to how you are feeling, just accept and go with the flow. you have poured a toxin into your body for years and now your body is trying to heal. Listen to what it wants (just no knocking peoples heads off). i had awful headaches for 5+ weeks and was bone tired. Sleep when you are tired and eat when you are hungry. It all beats pouring al down your throat.

I also hibernated for a few months and did not put myself in any temptation to drink. the world will not end if you dont attend a bbq. your sobriety is way more important at the moment and you need to make you your 100% priority. This is your life you are dealing with. We learn tools along the way on dealing in situations with regards to al. As a newbie you dont have those tools or plans. Sure you can have a plan not to drink but peer pressure is an awful thing to say no to, thus why just staying home and safe may be a better option.

Cant help with those dreams.

keep up the great work

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi available. Yea I've been hibernating. Staying away from the drinking buddies for sure, but winter is now over and I am starting to get antsy.

I'm on day 4 now and so far so good. Body is feeling pretty good, not really having to whitenuckle it like I've done the past few times were I went a 1 or 2 week without a drink. The topa at 25mgs still makes me hella dizzy like I'm drunk and I was planning and bumping up to 50mgs this weekend (I've been taking at night). Sat will be a safe day to do it since I can sit around and do nothing if need be; I'll play it by ear. BTW it has been helping me get GREAT sleep.

Anyways since it is getting warming I am picking up a newish hobby, skateboarding!. Haven't done it in years and yea I probably look like a fool, 35 yr old dude trying to do ollies and kickflips lol. But hey its fun, gets me out of the house, keeps me sober, it's exercise (no wonder those skateboarders are skinny), and it gives me my adrenaline rush. One thing I saw in common with everyone that quit AL when I read their stories here and on TSM blog is that the most successful people are the ones that find other activities to fill the void of their free time. Fidgeting and sitting around isn't going to help. I'll do my best to stay dry this weekend, won't make a promise and break it, I can't do it to myself anymore I just end up beating myself up in end. I'm gonna tell everyone that I'm taking medicine for a stomach ulcer and hopefully that will work!

-GS

[available]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

I think Grey there are much better things to do with your time than drinking. Skateboarding sounds like a great idea and it doesnt matter what you look like as long as you have fun and who knows you might find a non drinking set of friends to hang out with. I think i am jealous of your sleep, my sleeping pattern has always been bad so the 5-6 hours i get i appreciate. the best feeling is waking up without a hangover.

When i first stopped drinking, i thought i would be bored out of my brain but its a myth, we need to find something new and it is good for us. Also when days were not so good in the beginning i made an effort to do three things per day so i didnt feel guilty. get out of bed, drink coffee and wash the dishes. Now i have been given a promotion at work and can start and finish when i want to. i would not have been given that opportunity if i had of been drinking.

if you do have a plan to be with drinking people to have a plan like you have mentioned and to be a designated driver maybe. i know i felt deprived when i was out and others were drinking so it was easier to stay home (and sulk). now it doesnt worry me but it gets easier and if you think you will drink then my advice is to not go. Stopping and starting gives a great sense of guilt shame and remorse and the feeling of failure.

enjoy that skateboarding. i'd break a bone if i tried it.

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Day 5, the antsy-ness is easying off. Haven't really been craving AL very much, but probably a combination of supplements and medication on top of my many, many attempts to go sober finally paying off (I'm hoping). Either that or its placebo effect and I will hit the wall later down the road. Also, still hitting the weights as usual to help me rest better at night. The topa still makes me a bit dizzy when I take it but less and less so. I do notice I'm also groggy most mornings, not bad. It's kinda like I took an advil. I've never really taken medicine of any kind so it's probably me just still adjusting. My mood has been great these past few days, feel like the old me as hard as it is for me to believe. It's also a LOT easier to handle the stress at work. Lots of "healthy friction" with sales team in my role.

Hi available. Trust me, the new found sleep is not lost on me. I've had trouble sleeping since I was a kid. First it was trouble falling asleep (mind racing, constantly analyzing things, etc). Over that past 10-15 it got so bad that I was lucky to get 5 MAYBE 6 hours of sleep which I thought was normal (apparently not) until these past 2 or so years where that got cut down to maybe 4 hrs a night and some nights not at all this past year and 1/2. It coincided with a bunch of stress and with when I started cutting down on AL. I tried everything under the blue moon. I've always used night supplements (melatonin, l-tryptophan, l-theanine, zquil, everything...), but when things got worse I then cut out sugar, coffee, increased exercise, decreased exercise, pop, etc all under the guise of lent, but really it was because my sleep was so piss poor and getting worse. I'd also cut down my drinking to about 20-30 drinks per week (I'm a 200lbs dude and I know it's still high, not as high as the 70+ I used to have!). So when I started getting the interrupted sleep or not sleeping at all I eventually broke and ended up having to see the shrink (first doctor in like 10+ years). He said it was anxiety, put me on trazodone (tried putting me on other anti-depressants but I refused) and told me I was having panic attacks in my sleep. I was pretty worried for my health at that point since I downloaded a heart rate tracking app and saw my heart rate jumping during the times I would wake up on my smartwatch.

Anyhow, I ended reading a few studies about how alcohol messes up you wiring with GABA/gluthione/glutamine receptors and how it relates to sleep and it perfectly described everything that was going on with me. I would drink myself to sleep most nights, suppressing glutamine making you sleep for a few hrs, but would rebound and overload your brain trigger the fight/flight response. I'm no doctor or researcher, but this was exactly what I was experiencing once I removed AL. I just think my body got used to it. I was also falling into the moderate level of PAWS which is where I came across MWO and Roberta's excerpt thingy. Started doing more reading then talked to my doctor and he agreed to put me on topa, to my suprise. So far I've been sleeping much better, average 6 hrs. Which makes things hella easier.

Did I answer your questions about sleep? Errr, umm, probably not because I rambled, my bad :blushing:. I would recommend finding a shrink who specializes in sleep like my does. Some even do visits remotely through skype. PM if you have more questions.

-GS