My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Day 6, made it through another day. Yesterday ended up tougher than I thought. The nice 80 degree plus weather kept me thinking about how awesome it would be to sit outside drinking a nice cold one watching people go by. That and having a bar in our office lobby with outdoor seating in our lobby can be pretty persuading but being on here helped remind me why I shouldn't do it. It's not the few that I have with some co-workers or friends after work enjoying the weather that everyone sees. It's the 10 I continue to down afterwards that no body sees that does me in. Anyways, feeling pretty good thus far and not counting my chickens before they hatch.

[available]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Great work on getting through day 6 Grey. its funny how we visualise sitting having fun and a drink when the reality to us is being by ourselves and drinking into oblivion until we passed out, we can never be normal drinkers. even after years of non drinking i have that fleeting thought of how nice it would be and then the film starts rolling of what i would be like weeks or months down the track and its not pretty. what would be nicer is being on your skateboard enjoying the freedom of not drinking.

Oh sleep, the coma sleep of being drunk versus the sober sleep. I think for me bringing up 4 children and not sleeping for 15 plus years instilled in me that any sleep is to be appreciated. i didnt know about sleep psychs though which is an interesting thought. i do take melatonin some times but for me stress is my sleep deprivator. i am grateful for my 6 hours of deep sleep now and waking up feeling great. i remember waking up hungover and there was a particular bird that used to chirp every morning, damn i wanted to shoot that bird!

I was a two bottle a day drinker so not sure how many units or glasses i drank a week but i do know that 70 glasses sounds a lot, ha ha. god two bottles a night was a lot and i also used goblet sized glasses to save the walk to the fridge. now i have a goblet mug of tea.

Well day 7 for you tomorrow and great work, its all about changing our thinking and our lives and after 4+ years i can guarantee that you will never ever regret sobriety. Just keep plodding along each and every day. Always have a plan for just in case and an escape route.

[Guitarista]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi greysquirrel. Welcome! How are you doing? babble away friend.

In your first post you said 'day 1 of trying to fix my head'. For me, this is where it's at mainly. My thinking is the problem, less so my drinking. Learning to manage my thoughts and understand where my cravings come from and why. Learning and understanding what happens to my body chemistry when mixed with alcohol and why. Knowledge is power and i've found some inner exploration of body and mind very useful.

If my head is not right, if my emotional balance is out, then i have no anchor. What do i want in this life and how do i want to live are questions i have had to address. Go for it. Keep us posted on your progress!

[Pavati]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi, GS--

It was amazing to me how much of my "anxiety" and other whacked out feelings I had subsided when I quit drinking. Of course I know in my head that alcohol causes anxiety, but I didn't know the extent alcohol was affecting my moods even on non-drinking, non-hungover days. I still get anxious, but wow, my wild mood swings have settled down. I just woke up from a 9 hour sleep - unheard of 5+ years ago.

Let's celebrate a week sober today!

Pav

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

HI Available, Ha! yes those damn birds! So many sleeplessness nights and I thought it was just me. You are right about that film playing, that's exactly how it went for me. I thought about how nice those first 2 or 3 beers would be sitting outside enjoying the weather then I remember how the ending usually goes for me. Waking up after a 2 or 3 week bender looking in the mirror tell myself, you done did it again boy. So I walked my happy @ss home.
-GS

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi G. Yea I hear you. When I don't have stability, or at least a goal that I'm working on then that's when I'm out of sorts and my mind looks for escape. I can't say I'm physically addicted to AL but I can tell by the PAWS things I read I'm well on my well. That's part of the reason I try really hard to keep a set schedule Mon-Fri and why Sat-Sun are so hard to stay sober. As much as the job sucks and as stressful as it is (it's like groundhogs day - the movie), it has kept me from sliding into extended binges. I would be VERY bad if I had nothing to keep my occupied and I had money to spend, like back in college bad. I am eating my hat as I type those words. Lol.

I saw your post about going to Chile. Hope things go well! I hear it a beautiful place. Regardless of what happens, enjoy your time there.

-GS

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Nice Pav! Yea, crazy how we think AL helps "calm" our nerves but ends up making us over anxious the next day. SMH. When will we learn.

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Day 7 came and went sober. Have a long memorial weekend ahead of me with bbq and friends etc. Upped the topa since it was time and the dizziness has gone down. Still planning on not drinking but I know there will be obstacles. Besides the few cravings, things this time haven't been as bad as in the past in the past. Don't know if the supps, the meds, or some combination of this being the umpteenth time I've tried to extended ABS but I'll take it. Got lots of chores to do, trying to sell the house once again, so better get to it.

[Guitarista]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi Greysquirrel. Congrats on 7 days! Rinse and repeat.

Yeah, i got a job driving a furniture truck a few years ago for the express purpose of filling my day and keeping busy. It wasn't the greatest job, mainly because of some of the characters i was stuck all day in the truck with lol, but it got me sober for a good stretch, so served its purpose. Keeping busy with a routine can be a lifesaver in the early days of sobriety.

Thanks for your comments on my Chile trip. Yep, i'm looking forward to it. Having said that, i'm having a pretty good time in Brazil at the moment.

Keep it going. You're worth it.

[available]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

great work on 7 days Grey. hope you weekend has been a sober one!

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi G. Jeez guy, Brazil??? Man, you are roughing it. Lol. Hope all is well.

Thanks available.

Well day 8 was a lot harder than anticipated but still sober. This a hard post to write. One of my best friends, childhood friend, and long time drinking buddy called me and told me he was diagnosed with cancer. That's the second very very close friend in 3 years that has gotten cancer. I really didn't know/still don't know how to handle it. Never really been great with the emotional stuff. And here I thought he was calling to talk about the cookout we were going to have at his place with friends. Anyways, all I could think about was drinking myself into a stupor but I know that's not what needs to be done. Maybe all the abuse to his body has gotten to him over the years and yes there were a few of us right there with him getting f*** up. Anyhow, haven't hung out with him in awhile since I've been hibernating. He goes under the knife in a few days, said that things should be okay but he did say he does want to slow down now. Maybe my experiences can help.

Welp, got to go. Got chores around the house to do before I hit the cookouts.

-GS

[available]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

so sorry to hear about your friend Grey and the best and only real option is for you to be sober and to be there for him. al is not going to make him better, your support and love will help him immensely during this time. i had a dear friend who was diagnosed with cancer and he was the first person i told of my alcoholism and road to sobriety (2 weeks sober when i opened up). He was fighting cancer and i was fighting to get sober. He was my rock as i was his. for over two years he fought this disease and i slowly healed. So many times i wanted to drink at the futileness of it all, of his pain, of what he was going through, of how much it hurt to watch him but each and every day i didnt drink, i promised him i would not drink because of him and i didnt. I treasure every single sober moment i had with Robert.

Maybe sit and talk with your friend, offer to do this together and support each other. he needs every chance to heal and get well, including any al in his life will not help. Be open and honest is all i can advise. i was so ashamed to tell Robert i was an alcoholic as he so admired me and it was to me a terrible secret i had to carry around. when i told him, he didnt judge me, he still loved me for me. his secret was cancer and how to tell others if that makes sense. we all feel isolated and alone at stages like this.

Dont drink at his illness, it wont fix him and it wont fix you and how you feel.

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Hi Available. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

Day 9. Didn't have the cookout at my buddies house. He ended up drinking his ass off until the morning and I can't say I blame him with what he's going through. From what he told me so far, hopefully he'll just have surgery and that will be it. Our other buddy who has been going through cancer treatment has not fared so well. He's on round 3 of chemo and has been cut open a couple of times so I can see why he's worried.

Anyways, I did have a few drinks but with food and it wasn't to excess. I didn't do it because I was trying to escape or because I was trying to hide from anything. I think I mostly did it because I missed it and I wanted to feel "normal". Still on the topa so the euphoria was pretty short lived, probably why I cut myself off so soon. Didn't wake up feeling hung over and went out to breakfast, which was great! Must be what normal people are like but I do feel like I was poking a bear which I don't plan on keep on doing. I'm not going to beat myself up on this one, but I will take note. Welp, going to the gym then my parents house for a cookout (this one won't have booze).

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Day 10. Made it sober. My weekdays seem to be easier and easier but not so much for the weekends. Even though I try to keep myself busy, I still seem to find hours when I sit around without much to do which doesn't seem to help. I ended up going over to my buddies house to see how he was holding up, he was a bit down but still holding his head up. It was good seeing him but didn't help my desire to not drink. Blogging on here does it help as I find myself feeling accountable and I end up reading up on others. Oh yea, decided to up the dose slightly to 75 mgs too since the side effects are minimal at this point. Still take the supplements daily and listening to listening to the hypnosis when I can too.

-GS

[greysquirrel]

Re: My way out journey - the greysquirrel version

Didn't get a chance to write about day 11, but another clean day. Unfortunately I also sprained my knee that day. Everyone keeps telling me its age. Jerks. Lol. Anyways other than that it was a pretty good day.

Day 12 was also sober, spent it working from home hopped up on ibuprofen from the sprain and I did gain some of the mobility back. So that was good news. Can't do my lower leg workouts for a little bit though. I expect to get back at it soon. Things are running smoothly so far. I have to say I'm pretty sure I'm healing quickly from the sprain because I've been sober. Also, I've been sleeping like a m$$$$ f****ing g lately. It's been so long since I've had sleep this great. Still have cravings every now and again, but slowly they are fading. Slowly though.

-GS