need some advice all

[seahorse]

hi all i have not been in here for a while as i was doing so well ive not been drunk for a while now i mean not like i use to be but really need some advice all u mothers and fathers out there help me out ....... ive got 2 step kids one boy 17 one girl 13 he hates me thinks his girl should be around here every sat (she lives 40 miles away) i dont like her as first impressions count with me and at 14 she was in bed in our house with my step son, ive been married to my hubby for 9 months took on these kids cos i love them oh an by the way ive been with them for nearly 4 yrs ,last night he said well in an argument that i dont contribute to this house in anyway even though ive changed it work hard spend my money on it etc it pisses me off in a major way now his 13 yr old starts tonight arguing with her dad for approx 1 hour even though some girls parents who she plays around with have been at our door tonight for the 2nd time in 2 months for her causing trouble outside their house ,she got no probs with me as she knows better but its the way they treat their dad thats concerning me hes lets them get a way with the way they speak to him i just wanna punch walls cos my hubby is so soft with them (yes their mother deserted them nearly 5 yrs ago ) but even though they are getting older why do they treat him like this and the lad who i use to be close to has begun to hate me oh and by the way ive also got a 20yr old son who lives with us also and hes off to uni in aug ,hes never give us no probs then i wouldnt of put up with it if he had and he can not wait to go cos of his step bro and sis ...................plus ive got a drink prob and can u blame me what ive written is 99.9 % more worse than what you are all reading belive u me , im trying to cut down and all the time but when im up against two unruley kids who are totally ungratefull towards their dad who am i to butt in when they take no notice of what i say anyway im soooooooooo fed up with telling my hubby not to stand for it but does he take any notice NOOOOOOOO he just says im dealing with it hmmmmmm what a joke

need some advice as its making me hit the bottle more
thanks for listening everyone

[Guest]

need some advice all

Hi seahorse,
I know your situation with the step-kids is rough, but I just think they`re hurting big-time since their mum left them. Think there`s a lot of tears to be shed here, but the more you reach out to those 2 kids, the closer you are to resolving your situation.

I wish you luck and much love,

Starlight Impress

[rachel28]

need some advice all

hi , u sound mighty stressed , sounds slightly like my house , i have 5 step kids, im 28!!!! 2 r old enuuf to live on own 23 and 21!!! the 14 yr old boy lives with us an we have the 2 girls 12 an 8 to stay fri nights, i have a 1o yr old, i have a drink prob also, i have been with my bf 3 yrs, his son was dumped on the doorstep after 4 mths of us gettin 2gether, mum couldnt cope, he is a big lad size 10 ft an 6 ft, he s no angel but we cope, i can talk to him, we re good mates, trouble is im the 1 who is left to disipline him, just every fucxxr else forgot to tell the lad, when i tell my bf whats been goin on he assumes im picking on him cos he s not y son, lad knows this an fair play he s clever, onlylad knows that i love him to bits, he knows i work my ass of 4 him, an bless him, he told me i wasnt allowed to move out cos he loved me, i ended up stayin mainly 4 him, bf cant get his head around it, 2 an half yrs of rows with him over a mattter of something so simmple as bein given a bit of respect, im rambling nnow, im sure some1 with some wise ,clear advice will b along soon, i hope you can work this out, talkin does help clarrify things, xx

[rachel28]

need some advice all

i forgot to mention the ex wife who dumped the son, we found out she kept wackin him cos he is a cheeky git, but only as she wanted to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, he had a daughter and not enough bedrooms, she is still madly in love with my bf, she has done all possible to get the kids to hate me , 6 mths ago se told the 8 yr old she s not allowed to talk to me, an was nt allowed to take new pk of hair bands i bought her home cos apparantly i got nits, she wonders y her boy dosent want to c her at weekends, she hasnt spoke a word 2 me in 3 yrs,

[ducky]

need some advice all

Seahorse,

I am a step parent also, and have siblings and friends who are. I can tell you that the only way for things to get sorted out is for you and your hubbie to get on the same page. I have watched 2 of my 3 brothers situations deteriorate because their wives don't allow them to discipline the stepkids and that creates a situation where the kids feel they can divide and conquer. Parents need to be a team to the kids. It is just kids' nature to go around one to get to the other if they can!

Can you talk to your DH and explain he is doing no favor by letting the kids treat him with a lack of respect? I am sure he feels guilty about them being left by their mom but that doesn't mean he should tolerate bad behavior. My stepson knew from day one that his dad and I discussed things and were of "one mind" w/r to rules, etc. I had very few problems with him.

If you try to handle things on your own while your DH lets them be fresh, you risk ruining your relationship with the kids. Just my thoughts...And I agree that they need to know they are loved. But you can express that and have rules; the two are not exclusive.

I'll shut up now.

[seahorse]

need some advice all

my step daughter is still very much in contact with her mother and all her mother does is slag me off my step son has never or has ever wanted to talk or be near his mother since the day she lelt 4 yrs ago he was 14 at the time hes 18 now but hes still got a major prob with me just cos i dont like his gf hes at that age where the world revolves around him and his gf which we dont

[ducky]

need some advice all

OK, I'm almost done. Just to clarify, I think the bio parent should always be the person who makes the rules, and hands out discipline. But the kids need to know that their behavior has consequences, whether they are dealing with the parent or step parent...Even though my DH and I discussed discipline, in my stepson's view I simply enforced his dad's rules when his dad was not present.

[ducky]

need some advice all

W/r to the girlfriend, the less said the better. Even if she is not someone you want him to spend time with, the more he feels you dislike her the more he will be drawn to her. I watched my niece try to run away with her bf after my sister and brother in law tried to split them up. Young love...you might try stepping back on that a bit if you can. I know it is hard.

[Suzanna]

need some advice all

Hi Seahorse, I agree with Ducky that you and your husband have to be on the same page, and present a united front. It will absolutely shock the kids! They will be better for it, a strong front and your husband saying under no circumstances are you to be disrespectful of your step mom. The mother, well she should not concern you, if you take that approach, she loses her power!! Someone on this board said "You TEACH people how to TREAT you." It made such an impact on me! Hugs! Suz

[seahorse]

need some advice all

thanks ducky
what u said is what ive been saying all along but my hubby says hes going to do it then when his kids have a so call go at him in a general disscusion he always says im a fair man and we will compromise hmmmm how can u do that with 2 kids who are minors he just excepts what they say and agrees with them leaving me so mad cos hes soooooo soft or if i raise an issue he just says im dealing with it
take tonight for eg how can a parent allow a 13yr old girl argue with u for nearly one hour about a moblie phone (which he took off her )and she for about 30 mins calling her dad a selfish person and her words (im not talking to u untill i want to c if that bothers u dad )god if she was mine she (well say no more cos i wouldnt put up with it )

[rachel28]

need some advice all

enforcing the rules is always the stumbling point in our house,bf makes rules, most r daft rules, my rules an extended version of his, well thats been completly ignored 4 yrs although ive run around, i know its normal i grew up as 1 of 8 kids step, half and full, it was a house full so i know about ups an downs, thing is how do i explain to my bf , his mum an dad 1n there 70s an still in love, an my mother well , he cant c it where as i remember how i felt, me an my step lad NOW get on well, he tells me things that he cant tell either of his parents, i hve worked hard to earn that lads respect an i think i just got it, an its worth it, jus now i got to stop drinking, an earn respect of a few more pepole, an make sure i dont loose his, the older the kids r the harder it is im sure, u sound like a strong lady tho, stick to your guns, in your gut if u know u r right, im comin up wiv new ways to get my point across, usually, im told 2 butt out by lad , untill recently, xxx

[seahorse]

need some advice all

suz like i said hes on my side with words but putting it in to practice is a diffo matter grrrrrr he told the lad last night but hes just defiant about everything its what they got away with before i came on the scene if u know what i mean

[Suzanna]

need some advice all

I'm sure Seahorse that it is hard, and I don't really know how it would be to come into that situation, with kids rebelling and resenting. But we are here to support you! Maybe get with your guy privately and say look we need a strategy to work with together, maybe a mediator counselor type to help? Suz

[YoungAtHeart]

need some advice all

Hi Seahorse,

If I were in your shoes, I would just do my best to let the kids be HIS problem. You seem to be letting them make you much more angry than they seem to be making HIM, and that isn't good! It's a very difficult situation, I agree, but until HE is angry enough to do more about it, I don't think that your getting on him is going to help. Perhaps couples counseling would be a good path, but other than that, I think you will need to have a lot of patience, and just try to relate to the kids on your own terms and leave the discipline up to him.

As far as the daughter goes, teenage girls can be retched when they want to be--mine is about to turn 18, and the ages from 13-15 were AWFUL at times, and she is a pretty good kid! But the snarkiness and the tempers and the contempt and the "It's about ME" attitude can drive you wild sometimes. It will pass. As for the son's girlfriend, well, I can't believe now some of the boys that I brought home!

I think you're in a tough situation, and the more you can separate yourself emotionally from it, the better off you will be. It's hard, I know. But it will be the only way you will be able to stay sane and focus on getting your drinking under control.

All the best,
Kathy