Back again

[Stephanie144]

I've been here before as the title suggests.

I want to be free of alcohol.

I can honestly say that alcohol has taught me many things, so there is a sense of gratitude yet it leaves me living in a place of fear and self loathing.

This was an impulsive new sign up. When I look at my Kindle library over 50% is alcohol related (sigh).

There are days when all I want to do is drink into oblivion, unfortunately those days are increasing.

I feel so done with life, I feel bored to tears by it. There are a few things that light me up as it were but they seem fleeting. I really do not know how to function in this world.

It's shit or bust I guess!

Stephanie

[Guitarista]

Re: Back again

Welcome back Stephanie!

That intuition that made you post here is your truth. We sometimes need to nurture it, help it grow and protect it. I can't have the life i want, and drink too. I tried, it doesn't work well for me. Hope you stick around. Maybe we can help you form a plan to kick off your new life? Great to see you. Take care.

[Stephanie144]

Re: Back again

Thank you Guitarista!

[stirly-girly]

Re: Back again

I've been here before as the title suggests.

I want to be free of alcohol.

I can honestly say that alcohol has taught me many things, so there is a sense of gratitude yet it leaves me living in a place of fear and self loathing.

This was an impulsive new sign up. When I look at my Kindle library over 50% is alcohol related (sigh).

There are days when all I want to do is drink into oblivion, unfortunately those days are increasing.

I feel so done with life, I feel bored to tears by it. There are a few things that light me up as it were but they seem fleeting. I really do not know how to function in this world.

It's shit or bust I guess!

Stephanie

Hi Stephanie and welcome back to MWO!

I must admit that the line in your post that I have highlighted intrigued me. If you want to share, I would like to know what have learned from alcohol and if there are any positives in that. I, too learned from alcohol but there were only negative things - that being actively addicted deprived me of many things - mostly of my own self. I was lost in a bottle for years and years and only when I finally said "enough" and took control of my life, did I find myself again and began slowly to become the person I was meant to be. I understand about the days you want to drink to block it all out - we have all been there - but, as you know, the next day will just bring the problems back again and nothing was gained by blocking things out. And so the vicious circle continues. But if you reach inside yourself and find the strength, because it IS there, you can stop and slowly find yourself again and leave those feelings of fear and self-loathing behind. Our world is not easy at this time - the Covid factor has affected every single one of us. Our lives have been altered, our daily routines were upended, our world as we knew it is no longer. And yes, that makes it even more difficult to cope and indeed to function when human contact has been so confined. And for many of us, myself included, boredom snuck up on us and is something we have to fight to overcome. Hopefully now that some of the restrictions have been lifted, we will be able to get back to some kind of normal and enjoy some of the activities that alleviate our boredom.
You say that your Kindle is full of AL related books. I think we need to read things that we can relate to. Something has to click. I personally found the online support from MWO a huge help. It was the daily conversations with others who understood me that made me realize I was not alone and that others were going through the same thing I was. Also, seeing the people like me who had stopped drinking and stayed sober made me see that if they could do it, so could I. It may not always be easy but when we realize what a toll daily drinking has on our lives, on our work, our relationships with others and most of all on our physical being and our psyches, we need to do something to change that. We need to realize that not drinking is not depriving ourselves of something, it is releasing us from our self-imposed prison. Because as long as we continue to abuse alcohol, we are a prisoner inside a bottle. Give yourself a chance to taste the freedom. Make a goal of not drinking today. That's really all it takes. Tell yourself you will not drink today and stick to it. Treat yourself to something instead of turning to a bottle. A warm bubble bath, a coffee with a friend. When the "witching hour" comes, go for a walk, clean out a closet, - do something physical that you would not usually do to break the habit. Get through that time of temptation and then do something else if necessary. Do what you need to do to not drink today. We've all been through it. It can be done. The strength is in you....

Stirly..

[Pavati]

Re: Back again

Hi, Stephanie:

Welcome back. I think Stirly said all of the things I would say, but I want to emphasized this part:

We need to realize that not drinking is not depriving ourselves of something, it is releasing us from our self-imposed prison.

That was KEY. I really thought I would be giving up fun, friends, spontaneity - I thought all of those were dependent on alcohol. It turns out that my mind and body got used to doing those things on its own, and now I don't miss it at all.

Also, i got help here, and I also went to in person therapy - it was a helpful boost to me to get over the hard shame I was feeling at having "let" myself get like this.

You are not a bad person - you have a vulnerability to alcohol. You can save yourself, and believe me, it is worth it.

Let us know how we can help,
Pav

[NoSugar]

Re: Back again

Welcome back, Stephanie! Maybe reading the toolbox entries will help you get your head where it needs to be to start getting free of addiction. There are some motivating posts in that thread. Also, you'd be welcome in any of the active threads including the Newbies Nest. All the best to you, NS