Love or not...

[out]

Well, posted here for the first time about my binge drinkin' a few days ago and here we have it...everytime I read about alcoholism and abstaining I get severely anxious and want to drink more, i know crazy, but I realized tonight when I wanted to drink and capitulated to the urge that...maybe I could not give up drinking for now, but that I definately could give up my self loathing about it all. I am actually a little buzzed right now, not drunk, but buzzed. The anxiety I have been feeling is mostly subdued and I realized that in my persuit of normalacy and lack of anxiety that drinking may help me temporarily until I find better solutions and trust me I am trying to fing them...therapy, meds etc. In the mean time I will try to reduce my binging and look at some medical alternatives, but I realized today that I am lovable and a good person whether I indulge or not and that in and of itself has made a huge difference in how I feel. I am looking into the drug Stablon, a French antideprresant that helps repair damage done to the brain from both drinking and previous ssri's. I didn't have some of the problems with drink that I have now before being on lexapro. Just so you know many people did not have problems with drink before antdepressants and now do, esp, effexor and cymbalta. Therefore the right meds, topamax etc might have the opposite effect. I am hopeful. Take care all.

[ducky]

Love or not...

Out,

that is a big step, to realize you are a good person, despite your struggles. I think that is one of the most valuable gifts this site has given me. I have a feeling better times are ahead for you.

[out]

Love or not...

Thanx Ducky

I am of British heratige, and thus "Ducky" is a wonderful term of affection I use for close friends. Thank you for your reply, it feels good just to talk openly and in a supportive envirnoment. I think good things are on their way for you too... where is the spell check on this thing! I am a fairly smart person with terrible typing and spelling skills!

When I design something I do not think about making it beautiful, I only think about solving the problem. But, if in the end it isn't beautiful i know it isn't right---Buckminster Fuller

[ducky]

Love or not...

I didn't realize Ducky was a term of endearment for the British. My dad used to call me Ducky and now he is gone, so that's why I used it for my ID. Don't worry, i used to be an editor and I cannot seem to spell anything these days!

[out]

Love or not...

was your dad a a Brit?

I have such a wonderful relationship with my mom now. My dad and mum are still here and I have been so grateful to experience them as an adult. They were terrible parents, but great people, if that makes any sense to anyone. Was your dad a Brit? Ducky is one of those really versitle terms, like that's just Ducky or hey Ducky, how are you?

[sujul]

Love or not...

Hey Out!

Yes, you ARE lovable and a good person--drinking or not! I think that is a huge step...good for you.

I agree that I drank more on anti-depressants (I took different ones...let me warn everyone about Remeron--I gained 20 lbs apparently overnight taking this....)--actually, I relapsed after 11 years sobriety when I was taking an AD--don't remember which one it was though.

Just to let you know--I thought that drinking helped my anxiety--I had terrible anxiety and panic attacks--would wake up in the morning just terrified of life....

What I discovered though was that alcohol made the anxiety worse--it took detox and some heavy duty meds to withdraw, but after a few months I was able to get off the meds and stay AF--and, guess what? No more anxiety! I no longer wake up petrified and I haven't had an real anxiety attack in the 14+ months I've been sober.

So, when you're ready to do it, there's good stuff for you in the future....keep up the good work!

[ducky]

Love or not...

No, dad was of German descent and mom was English/Scottish...Both born in the US. I totally know what you mean though. My parents did not do their best (according to my hubbie) because they fought a lot, dad drank a lot, etc. but I did feel loved and did make some sort of peace with them before the end. And I do miss them. I was the favorite of the six kids, even though I was the one who left home and moved away, and who had the issues with them...weird, isn't it?

I am glad you are posting. Keep it up. I understand how much of a struggle it is as I am currently having some red wine....like you I have been drinking much less since I have logged on here!

[out]

Love or not...

I've had...

1 1/2 more drinks while taliking here. Just poured 1/2 down the drain..no prob..this is more interesting. We all have stuff don't we? I was alcohol free for 13 years and I still had the anxiety and other issues that i contend with on a daily basis. Thanks Sujul, Alcohol has made it manageable for now and..for me anyway..alcohol free did not help much in that particular area. I am so glad you are free of the anxiety!

Over the past 6 years or so I have developed some chonic pain conditions that have causec me ..well, of course pain...which affects the amegdala and hypocampus (sp?), anxiety and profound sadness these conditions seem to have left me with and which the drinking seems to abate.

We don't seem to have a problem medicating in this country, but we do seem to have issues with self-medicating, which I am aware I am doing. so I am looking for alternatives and in the mean time, just working on being Ok with myself regardless. I have no answer yet. I have chronic pain and other issues that I have spent a fortune on in time, money and lifestyle changes trying to address ( including giving up dairy, see the cheese thread and drink for periods of time). I think for now I can work on less, not none..just where I'm at. Thank you for all you kind thoughts and prayers. ( Not a religious nut, just a mush).

[ducky]

Love or not...

Out, what kind of pain? My doc thinks I have fibromyalgia. I should say my rheum. Now I have to go back to the regular doc. I have had joint pain and fatigue for a year...PITA. What troubles you?

[out]

Love or not...

1 of 8

Hey Ducky,

I was 1 0f 8 kids. After 6 I don't think it matters much!. I am glad you are drinking less and so thankful to you for your replies..lonliness gets us as much as anything else eh?. I guess Geraman , Scott, Irish...drink..drink..drink. We all have to determine our own Okayness with it all. I have read all the stuff. Like moderation means..no more tha three drinks in one night (for a female) or that responsible drinking means no more that 1 per hour. So if you have more 5 drinks in 5 hours does that mean you are binging or being responsible? I have instituted a lot of harm reduction behaviors into my life. Drink., don't drive. Hangover, no motorcycle etc.These questionaires make me nuts. we all have to find our own way. Thanks

[ducky]

Love or not...

I agree, it can be lonely. And I probably would not be here except my bilirubin was slightly elevated in April so I am scared shitless. The doc said he thought it was because I fasted when I should not have but of course I am convinced when he tests me in November i will get bad results. I have also instituted lots of harm reduction behaviors -- no driving, don't get too drunk in front of others (have a bit more at home later) etc. I am convinced that almost everyone lies about drinking on the questionnaires. Or I am really bad!

Hubby is out at poker or I wouldn't have so much time to type, lol!!!

[out]

Love or not...

I have some pain conditions that are associated with Fibro. I have had, (before all this I might add) Multple Chemical Sensitivities. The pain stuff all points to fibro syndrome including Interstitial Cystitsis (chronic bladder shit and pain), Si joint problems as well as some other things I'd rather not discuss on a public board. Many of these issues severly altered and damaged my sex life. Many of these problems started 6 years ago after acute infections. If there is a way I could chat privately I will talk more about it. Thanks.

[out]

Love or not...

I don't lie about my drinking...

Usually, unless it is a doc or an insurance agent. Otherwise I am a pretty honest drunk. Tonight...2 grey goose cosmos, 1 stoli O double with tonic, 2 singles, i vodka shot in goji juice and 1 1/2 shot in goji, probably have 1/2 shot more tonight. This is since about 5 pm. ate, drank water. Ok

[ducky]

Love or not...

K. Perhaps we can PM another day. It's going on 11 here and I am ready to hit the hay. I seem to have many similar problems but get psyched out that they are in my head! Anyhow, glad you are posting and will "see" you tomorrow.

Not sure where you are tonight but have a good one! It looks like you are on my time zone but not sure if I am reading correctly.

[out]

Love or not...

By the way

Not typical night for a weeknight. Just went on an early bender