Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

[Change]

Well, this is about the millionth time I have tried to go sober. The longest I have managed without a drink in the past 1-2 years is about six days. I am on about one bottle of wine per day, and I'm also a rampant sugar addict, who regularly binges on sugar as well. In fact, I use sugar to make myself feel better about myself and actually, to make myself feel any good, because I know that deep down underneath I am quite morose and have a depressive personality. I guess I am an... ADDICT.

I guess I am afraid to see what is underneath once I give up the crutch of alcohol (and sugar of course).

Things have gotten worse, as I feel my health deteriorate, with less motivation than ever, and I suspect I may be diabetic (am currently awaiting to get tested). I have very low levels of motivation to do anything, and my commitment to exercise is almost nil, as I prefer to get home and drink a bottle of wine, and kind of hiding away from the world, I suppose.

I am 52, live alone and know that part or most of my drinking is associated with loneliness, boredom and lack of any sense of purpose or belonging in my life. What does not help this is that I work casually (my hours are not set) and shift work, which adds and largely contributes to any lack of routine, or stability in my life.

So, today is my first day. I am going to attempt to give up alcohol for the 15th time, and give up sugar. I don't think today will be that difficult, as I am suffering the effects of both binges from last night, but I think day 2 onwards will be hard. Day 5 of AF is usually my high-risk day, as I'm usually feeling a lot better and a false sense of security always says... "go on, it'll be okay... you'll only have one or two and can get back to AF once you have this one night", but it never happens. It just spirals into regular drinking again.

There is a lot to unpack, things from when I was 16 or 17 years old I think, and it's mostly about the way that I feel about myself, in that I do not like myself much and don't have much confidence. Things I have been avoiding my whole life and stuffing down with one substance or another.

Well, here I am... Day 1. I know you will all be kind, but I have to make a plan. I firstly need to get off this stuff, have decided not to chase work for the next 4 days.

[available]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

Hi Change

Your post sounded a lot like what i used to think on a daily basis, drank alone, never went out. I dont know what has kept me sober for 8 years except i know if i have that first drink, i wont look back. I still take my sobriety one day at a time and i am the only one that can poor al down my throat.

I found when i first became sober that i was on MWO constantly, reading threads, posting. I had a lovely nickname of "lunatic linda" as i posted that much but i needed to stay accountable.

I hated myself, didnt care if i lived or died really but as you mentioned your health is deteriorating and you know deep down that al is killing you. I thought i would be bored "shitless" when i stopped drinking but there are not enough hours in the day and even if i do nothing, i dont feel guilty, i know my limits and i take life pretty easy and enjoy it.

My advice:= find a good doctor and counsellor. I took some valium for a few days to help me when i first stopped. i have been seeing a counsellor for 5+ years and i would not or could not live without her to download to. Dont put too much pressure on yourself to stop drinking, sugar, start walking 100 miles a day, join the gym, lose 50lbs, get married, write a book, climb mount everest! Just do it daily, if sugar stops you having a drink then eat sugar, if walking 100 miles stops you from drinking then walk it. I watched a lot of doco's on alcoholism and movies. i slept when i was tired and just took it easy, went to the shops early so i was not tempted to buy al and only now can i go into bottle shops without having a nervous breakdown!

Your life will get better, you are worth it but it is one day at a time and to be grateful for the small things in life, look for the positives and you will move forward. I pretty much stayed home for 3 months (other than work and shopping) so i could focus on ME. Even today, sobriety is my first priority and everything else is second. if i am not sober, i cannot function and support my family.

I am an addict through and through but i have given up drinking and smoking (3 years soon), finally getting control of my sugar after reading Alan Carrs book on sugar addiction. If i took other drugs, i would be addicted to them too, so i dont. i knit, walk, watch boring tv and am happy, love gardening now.

Dont think about the past failures, focus on the present and be positive that you can do this and you will.

take care and please keep coming on here, there is so much advice on here. xx

[Pavati]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

Hi, Change:

Sorry you're feeling so low. We are always here for you. I, like Ava, posted and read here all the time. The idea of a plan is a good one. Maybe start with an easy schedule for yourself and put it in the calendar. Include lots of time to sleep, take walks, see sober friends for breakfast, etc.

I also concur with Ava's idea of seeing a doctor or counselor. I could lie to myself all I wanted, but I was not going to lie to her. She held the mirror up firmly for me so that I could see myself for where I really was. Is there a friend you can confide in? I found that in-person support to be a valuable addition to the MWO support.

We're with you! Come post in the nest, or the Army - there are many more people who post regularly there (although the whole site is slowing down a lot). You got this!

Pav

[frances]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

Hi Change - I'm like you, you can see I've been coming here since 2008. Been back several times after having periods of being 'OK' but each and every time I have dug myself back into the same hole that brought me here, and deeper still. I am on day 15 and like everyone says, taking it one day at a time. Always getting something like seltzer to substitute the wine. I think the advice about counseling is really good advice. Hope you stay on here and take advantage of the support. Even just reading every day helps me.

[Change]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

Thanks available, pavati and frances.

Managed to get through the second day, with headaches and nausea of course! Day 3, tomorrow will be the most challenging in terms of withdrawals, I think. Days 5 and 6 will be difficult, as they are usually my relapse days when I'm in that "false sense of security", but not this time. I'm going to stay one step ahead.

Will check other threads for updates, so I don't have to keep coming back to this one.

[Slo]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

I hope you’re getting through the first tough week, [MENTION=3075]Change[/MENTION]! You will likely need sugar to help you get through getting off the alcohol. You can use that as a tool initially.

[Change]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

I hope you’re getting through the first tough week, [MENTION=3075]Change[/MENTION]! You will likely need sugar to help you get through getting off the alcohol.

I think my sugar addiction is worse than my problem with alcohol. I have been going through massive sugar withdrawals and cravings, including craving carbs, which I completely gave in to today. I am having a test for diabetes, so keeping sugar in my diet might not be negotiable.

I've been triggered a few times toward alc... The weirdest things: driving past a bottle shop, thinking about certain movies (which used to be my "drinking movies"), shopping at the supermarket (yes... all those people give me the heebie jeebies).

Anyhow, I'll come and check out the newbies nest in a few days. Hope everyone's doing well, walking the dogs etc, and not getting up to too much mischief

[Pavati]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

Hi, Change and [MENTION=7263]frances[/MENTION] --

I hope you two are doing well. Come join the nest - lots more chatter and support.

x
Pav

[Change]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

So, I started this thread in March. I managed 10 weeks straight with 0 alcohol.

Unfortunately, due to my living situation (and not being able to sleep), I started on a few glasses each night just before bed to turn my brain off and drop off into a comatose sleep. While it may seem I am making excuses (I searched my mind, 98% sure I am not), I actually didn't want to pick up that bottle again. I hated the idea, resented the idea, but figured going back to something I didn't want was better than being very, very sleep deprived and the side effects of that (all due to my living situation, can't move right now. Neighbours noisy till 2am sometimes and my alarm is often set for 5.30am).

Anyhow, last night, feel off the wagon and went passed my 2-3 small drinks, and drank enough to give myself an awful hangover again and feelings and thoughts of REGRET, that we all know too well.

I've come to realise I must deal with two things: my anxiety, my anxiety about coming home after work and hearing neighbours. My anxiety about trying to get to sleep and stay asleep, and my anxiety about not getting enough sleep due to the noise and general inconsideration of the idiots that live below me in the apartment building.

It's going to be tough, I don't know how I am going to do it. I often wear earplugs (yes, in my own home) when there's extraneous noise... They work to a certain extent at night, but don't block out the thumps and bangs of doors closing etc and the god-awful noisy water pipes when they have a shower at 12.30am.

Anyway, just writing this down as a point of reference I can refer to when I need to remind myself to find a better, healthier way of living. So, today is DAY 1 again.

[Mulburry]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

Not being able to sleep is tough, it took probably over 6 months to really start sleeping better, and even now not always. Ironically I also have very noisy upstairs neighbors (more loud early in the morning though) but ear plugs work fairly well. I'd say using alcohol to get to sleep is a bad idea though, it will only fuel the dependence. Have you tried OTC meds or got recommendations from a doctor for the sleep issues?

Also one thing that I've found extremely helpful for trying to fall asleep is meditation; you can google techniques, but the basic jist is to focus on your breathing (count your breaths or something like that but also focus on the actual act of breathing, of the breath coming in and out of your body). It does take some persitance and practice though; sometimes I meditate for a while and I think there's no way it's gonna work but I force myself to keep going... and voila suddenly I'm waking up x hours later.

[YouKayBee]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

A friend I was talking to today told me she was aware I had had many relapses, many many restarts.

Guess what I got there in the end I kept trying, then I found the way I needed to get the addiction broken and eventually go AF. I know others have achieved the same too.

9 years and a month or so to date.

I tried so many times.

I would however try to work on one thing at a time, primarily alcohol at first but try to get some good nutrition - good foods to start to help turn the tide on sugar. Protein, complex carbs, veg, fruit, omega 3s (these are very important, try to get it through food rather than supplementation). BUT I think getting alcohol out the equation will also help hugely.

There is a saying KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid (this is not to say you are in any way stupid, please replace with any useful word), the sentiment is to avoid over thinking.

[Mulburry]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

I would however try to work on one thing at a time, primarily alcohol at first but try to get some good nutrition - good foods to start to help turn the tide on sugar. Protein, complex carbs, veg, fruit, omega 3s (these are very important, try to get it through food rather than supplementation). BUT I think getting alcohol out the equation will also help hugely.

Exactly. For sleep issues (or almost anything else) alcohol may seem like the answer in the immediate term, but in the long term it will only make the condition far worse. This I know from personal experience.

[Pavati]

Re: Blah... Back again... When will this merrygoround ever end?

How's it going, change?

Sleep is another thing a doctor can help you with. What Mulberry said, plus exercise, melatonin, ear plugs. Have you tried a white noise machine??

Hope you're ok. You, too, [MENTION=7263]frances[/MENTION]

Pav