Is anyone involved with another drinker?

[AudreyR]

I've been in a relationship for 4 years. Both of us drink heavily when we're together (and sometimes alone). I'm very serious about stopping altogether, but I highly doubt it's possible to stay with someone who's still drinking. Naturally I can't get him to stop if he's not ready and I'm afraid his drinking will be too much temptation and his intoxication will become annoying when I'm sober. Any thoughts? Also thanks for all your previous responses.

Aud

[vegan]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Hi Audrey :hithere:
I've been with my husband for 14 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 now. We both drank together like fish. I've been trying to stop for over 2 years now. One of the reasons i always give in to temptation is because watching him drink sometimes gets too much to bear. However each time i try again i become a little stronger. I don't drink anywhere near as much as i did and am now trying to stop my massive binges which happen about every 10 days. My hubby is in the pub as we speak and will be coming in to drink more on his return. I'm sat here with my coffee :H
All i can say to you is that it will get easier. I'm not even bothered that he's drinking tonight and i never thought that would happen in a million years!
I'm on day 7 AF (AGAIN!) but feel stronger than ever this time. It's a long journey.
Just think about how great you'll feel in the morning and how crap he'll feel.
After my last binge a week ago i woke up with a pounding head, stomach pains (for 3 hours!) and had really bad anxiety all day. It is just not worth a few hours of so called fun and my brain is finally starting to "get it".
I know i wont be able to do anything in life if i carry on bingeing til i pass out cos i can't move at all the next day. That means holidays would be ruined, days out etc.
The next time your partner is drinking you should feel empowered and proud that you aren't drinking poison along with him anymore. That feeling is priceless.
Charlotte xxx

[diamond]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Luckily I am not, but sometimes it used to be harder because when I was drinking my husband would go on and on, but now it is easier because he drinks maybe 5 times a year if that. So usually I am ok everynight on soft drinks or low alcohol etc.

Sorry I can't give any advice.
Diamond x

[Saint Jude]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Yep, my Hubby loves his beer after work. Although he's never missed a day of work because of it ...(unlike me, in the old days)
But now that I've been here for the past 1 & 1/2 yrs & on topa neither have I! I actually think he drinks more than I do anymore... hard to believe. I know he would never admit that...but I know how to count cans... & I drink the light kind...

In any case, it's a miracle. I used to drink whatever I had of mine, then finish off his too!

We've discussed both of us stopping, but that's as far as it's gotten(TALK). I know he's not ready to, & it's near impossible for me with it in the house, so I just do mods. Seems to work for us. I just have to be VERY vigilent.

[rottrod]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Audrey, It is certainly not impossible to quit or moderate with another drinker in the house but it is certainly more challenging. Saint Jude is one of the fortunate ones on this site who has been able to so it successfully for a long period of time.
You have to remember that you are doing this for you first. Not him, not the family not anyone but you. Once you are well then you can start the healing process with everything else. No one can do this until they are ready.
read the posts of the long term abstainers and mods folks so you can get real familiar about the challenges they have faced on their journey, and the newbies like yourself and I'm sure you will find some common ground and make some new friends.

good luck to you and come back here and talk a lot about your progress and your daily walk. It really helps.

Melissa

[imatree]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Hi Audrey,
I can SO relate. I've been with MWO for nearly 3 months now, thought many times "NOW i can do it" and have even thought that well into an evening.... but... there is always plenty of alcohol in the house. I am a heavy drinker. My partner is much more. I don't think he goes more than 5 or 6 hours without ingesting alcohol. Even goes to bed with a full beer next to him to drink in the middle of the night. I want desperately to be free from this addiction. And I've had resentment and bitterness build up, as my mind thinks, well, if he just didn't bring it home, if he would quit with me, I could do it! But you know what? I can think that all I want, turn bitter as can be, blame him til the cows come home, - but it's not going to help me get sober. I have realized I have to take FULL responsiblity for my healing. Yes, it will be harder than if he wasn't a drinker or would quit with me... but as I figure it, when I finally get there I'll be all the more strong.

[Change]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

I have often thought this, and am considering it with my friends. I don't know if i could stay with a drinker when i am sober to be quite honest with you. If it were a few times a year, it would be okay, because hopefully i would be able to join in, without falling down the slippery slope again.

I guess my only advice is to do what is right for yourself and if that is to give up drinking, then that is what you have to do. Too many people settle for 2nd best and i don't believe you have to in this life.

If after giving up drinking you find things are not working out, then the rest is up to you, but i know what i would do.

Sometimes i think if we meet people when we are drunk, is there really a foundation on which the relationship was built and how successful will it be without the drink? Just a thought. I am going to have to face this when my heavy drinker friends get back from vacation. I don't think they are going to let me quit without a fight. Oh sure, they'll nod their heads, but when push comes to shove, they won't hesitate to shove a drink in my face when they think i am weak.

I don't know, it's a tough one. But it is obviously on your mind, or else you wouldn't have posted about it.

[paraniod]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Last night is a prime example of my worries of alcohol. I am not a daily drinker but I think that my husband really has a problem. We had a festival in town last night and as we were getting ready to come home, I was noticing how strangely my husband was acting. Like he was drunk. We got home and the same things started happening, the questioning me, and what is my problem and telling my kids that now that "mom's here" we can't have fun anymore. Anyway, I ignored him and went to bed. I got up this morning and started thinking about the way he was acting and I started realizing all of the times he snuck away during the day. I now know that he was going to the bar and doing shots. I can't stand the way he is when he is drinking. I don't know if I can deal with it, and he is certainly not going to quit.
So to answer your question, yes I am in a relationship with a drinker and seeing him drunk makes me want to stay sober.

[Change]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Yeah, good point. People become aggressive and painful when they are drunk :blush: .

[Guest]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Hi AudreyR,
I was wavering as to whether or not to reply to your post, but have decided to do so as I think it`s probably good for you to look at your situation with your partner from all perspectives. And, just like Change says, at the end of the day, you have to make the decision that is right for you.

I met my ex-partner 4 and 1/2 yrs. ago, when I had been sober for around 10 yrs, apart from the occasional social drink. I stopped drinking like a fish when I fell pregnant, and just never went back to it, until that is, I met...................HIM!!!!!

We arranged to meet at a pub for our first date and went on to do a pub-crawl all evening. Needless to say, by the time the pubs closed here, we were very drunk, which didn`t stop us from getting a couple of btls. of wine to take back to his place..............I had drank so much that I felt like death in the morning and was in no fit state to go home until early evening, still feeling very ill. We arranged to meet a couple of days later, and so it was that we became a couple........JUST LIKE THAT!!!

I feel I must point out that I hooked up with him almost instantly, probably because I had been on my own for years and was very lonely in many ways. In hindsight I know I never gave myself a chance, and had we remained sober on our first date, I would have realised that he just wasn`t the sensitive, caring, loving man that I was looking for. However, we got ridiculously drunk that first evening, which clouded my judgement, and it was as if I was just so happy to have met someone that life became one constant party with us getting drunk every night.

I won`t bore you all with the details, suffice to say that we spent 3 turbulent yrs. together, splitting up on many occasions, only to get back together, as it was as if we had a common bond with the drink binding us together. I still feel very damaged by the relationship. He was a very insensitive, cold, selfish man, and I suffered tremendous verbal abuse during our bust-ups. I now feel he was out to damage me psychologically, and still get upset when I think of all I went through.

A year and a half ago, I decided I couldn`t take any more of his s***, and I split with him for good and I haven`t seen him since. He continued to text me, and a couple of months ago he text asking me to meet up with him at, would you believe??........a pub!!!! Needless to say I declined. Think he`s all but given up texting me now.

Hardest thing of all is that when I left him, I still loved him, although I realise that I fell in love with who he led me to believe he was, and not who he actually is. It is very hard to walk away from someone knowing you still love them. But I know, had I not left him, I would still be drinking like a fish, and I would never have became involved with M.W.O., as to remain with him, there wasn`t going to be any way out.

I drank very, very heavily when I was with him, but I felt heartbroken at having to leave him, and so I continued to drink, although much less an amount. For the past 18 mths. since the break-up, I had been drinking a btl./wine a night as my crutch, as I wasn`t over him. Realising this was still far too much too often led me to this site, and for the past 2 wks., I have cut down from a btl. a night to a btl. a wk., save for one slip. I would never have had the slightest inclination to do this had I remained with my ex.I am beginning to get my life back together, and although I still have regrets about leaving him, I am rediscovering what it feels like to be happy.

Audrey, I am in no way saying that if both partners drink heavily that one can`t get sober without ending the relationship. What I am saying is that if you take drink out of the equation, and you realise you both do not share the same ideals and interests, there simply is no relationship, as sadly it was in my case.

I hope I haven`t bored anyone. I just think that there still remains a lot of hurt inside me and I`ve really needed to talk about this for some time. Hopefully my story will let you guys all know just how much you being here for me means to me. Thankyou.

Audrey, you are in a difficult position, but only you can decide what is best for you.
I wish you well and much love,

Starlight Impress

[trixietrack]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Starlight Impress;154652 wrote: Hi AudreyR,
I was wavering as to whether or not to reply to your post, but have decided to do so as I think it`s probably good for you to look at your situation with your partner from all perspectives. And, just like Change says, at the end of the day, you have to make the decision that is right for you.

I met my ex-partner 4 and 1/2 yrs. ago, when I had been sober for around 10 yrs, apart from the occasional social drink. I stopped drinking like a fish when I fell pregnant, and just never went back to it, until that is, I met...................HIM!!!!!

We arranged to meet at a pub for our first date and went on to do a pub-crawl all evening. Needless to say, by the time the pubs closed here, we were very drunk, which didn`t stop us from getting a couple of btls. of wine to take back to his place..............I had drank so much that I felt like death in the morning and was in no fit state to go home until early evening, still feeling very ill. We arranged to meet a couple of days later, and so it was that we became a couple........JUST LIKE THAT!!!

I feel I must point out that I hooked up with him almost instantly, probably because I had been on my own for years and was very lonely in many ways. In hindsight I know I never gave myself a chance, and had we remained sober on our first date, I would have realised that he just wasn`t the sensitive, caring, loving man that I was looking for. However, we got ridiculously drunk that first evening, which clouded my judgement, and it was as if I was just so happy to have met someone that life became one constant party with us getting drunk every night.

I won`t bore you all with the details, suffice to say that we spent 3 turbulent yrs. together, splitting up on many occasions, only to get back together, as it was as if we had a common bond with the drink binding us together. I still feel very damaged by the relationship. He was a very insensitive, cold, selfish man, and I suffered tremendous verbal abuse during our bust-ups. I now feel he was out to damage me psychologically, and still get upset when I think of all I went through.

A year and a half ago, I decided I couldn`t take any more of his s***, and I split with him for good and I haven`t seen him since. He continued to text me, and a couple of months ago he text asking me to meet up with him at, would you believe??........a pub!!!! Needless to say I declined. Think he`s all but given up texting me now.

Hardest thing of all is that when I left him, I still loved him, although I realise that I fell in love with who he led me to believe he was, and not who he actually is. It is very hard to walk away from someone knowing you still love them. But I know, had I not left him, I would still be drinking like a fish, and I would never have became involved with M.W.O., as to remain with him, there wasn`t going to be any way out.

I drank very, very heavily when I was with him, but I felt heartbroken at having to leave him, and so I continued to drink, although much less an amount. For the past 18 mths. since the break-up, I had been drinking a btl./wine a night as my crutch, as I wasn`t over him. Realising this was still far too much too often led me to this site, and for the past 2 wks., I have cut down from a btl. a night to a btl. a wk., save for one slip. I would never have had the slightest inclination to do this had I remained with my ex.I am beginning to get my life back together, and although I still have regrets about leaving him, I am rediscovering what it feels like to be happy.

Audrey, I am in no way saying that if both partners drink heavily that one can`t get sober without ending the relationship. What I am saying is that if you take drink out of the equation, and you realise you both do not share the same ideals and interests, there simply is no relationship, as sadly it was in my case.

I hope I haven`t bored anyone. I just think that there still remains a lot of hurt inside me and I`ve really needed to talk about this for some time. Hopefully my story will let you guys all know just how much you being here for me means to me. Thankyou.

Audrey, you are in a difficult position, but only you can decide what is best for you.
I wish you well and much love,

Starlight ImpressStarlight your post is enlightening. you are describing my relationship, excepet tht I am still in the porocesss of figuring out how to end it. Since I joine MWO I have been slowly opening my eyes to the life I have been leading. The alcohol based relationship is really seriously unhealthy. I hope like you, to break from it and find a healthy companionship.

[imatree]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

This thread is really getting to my gut.
I posted a response last night. I think my subconscious has been working with the topic throughout the night and this morning. Not that worries and fears are happening consciously here and there anyway....
HONESTY:
- Maybe I keep drinking because I know that I won't be able to tolerate living with a drinker while sober?
- Maybe I intend to stay in this relationship because I can use it as an excuse to fail at sobriety, and thus keep drinking.
- Maybe I am terrified of not having this relationship - because I love this man so very dearly and he is very good to me, better than anyone ever has been.
- Maybe I also fear losing this relationship because I don't think anyone else would have me so if it's not this one then it'll be a lonely life.
- Maybe I'm glad there is always booze in the house, and as I'm having the first drink of the evening I can pat myself on the back and say "well, at least I didn't choose to buy it".
- Maybe I'm being my mother - who drank alongside with my severe alcoholic father and always said "I have to drink to put up with him".
- Maybe i'm kidding myself, in telling myself that when I quit he'll be inspired to follow.

[imatree]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

... and here's my truest dilemna -

Now that I have found compassion for myself in understanding that this addiction is more physiological than a matter of personal choice, how can I reject the man I love for having this same physiological problem?

[rachel28]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

hi audrey, an all , the [posts here reminded me a last couple a weeks, i was almost gonna leave my bf of 3 yrs, he also likes a beer after work, he has a degree of control, 3yrs an we have always had beer in r relationship, i been tryin to say 4 a yr i want to cut bk, but stilll the fridge gets filled, i will give him his due since my weekend away 2 wks ago when i was leaving we have both been really honest wiv each other , but still im scared senseles that after i have drs ap an get on the way to sorting myself out he is gonna carry on, i dont have much will power thats y im here i guess so its gonna b hard, i know he does my head in when he is drunk an im not, the slurring, wobbling, repeating just gets annoying dosent it, im a jealous cow as well so im already gettin worried that if im detoxing he will just go pub, then we will fall out cos i know he s ben drinking an chattin while i ve been stresing working, then coming home an bein a house wife, im gonn have to give it a go as i ve realised how much i love him an the family unit we ve built p in last 3 yrs, its a hard 1 to call, i not been much use, starlight u have coped ,its just deciding what u can deal wiv, an dealing wiv it the best way u know how, love 2 all xxx

[Guest]

Is anyone involved with another drinker?

Imatree,
I`m sorry if my story upset you in any way. Was not intended to upset anyone. Was just telling of some of the trauma I suffered at the hands of my ex., who once stated to me that he had a `dependency`, but he was in such denial that he couldn`t bring himself to say that he was an alcoholic, because he was `happy` to continue living a life where we spent the evenings getting completely wasted on booze, and the daylight hours recovering from the effects of the night before. I just felt I couldn`t live like that no more, and so I had no choice but to leave him, as on the few occasions I was sober, I simply couldn`t bear all his drunken crap.

And yes, like yourself, I loved him dearly, which made it all the harder for me to leave him.

However, there is a MAJOR difference in the relationship I had with my ex. and the one that you have with your man, which is that my ex. was anything but good to me and caused me much suffering.

You have a good man and I hope you and your good man can work through the alcohol issue together.

Much love,

Starlight Impress