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[uda]

This is a bit of a long story but I've just come up against THE trigger point for me and am on day 12 af - really struggling not to get in the car to go to the shop.

My father abused my best friend when we were 10 years old, in my presence. I've since found out that he also abused my cousin (his brother's daughter) over a period some 10 years after that incident. He was never punished and denies it. I've had a lot of emotional problems because of this - long story. I confronted him 20 years ago with what I knew then and stopped being in contact with him. Last year I phoned him about my cousin - I was pretty drunk and angry when I did. He told the whole family that I was telling lies about him (well, I know my sisters didn't believe him!).

Today I received an e-mail from him, saying that as he was 80 he now wanted to make his peace with me and wants to talk to me. I don't want to talk to him, or rather be talked at and being told 'in sadness' that I am mistaken and various other packs of lies. I'm really shaky, feel like a kid again - I know I'm not, I know I can handle this. Oh, but for a drink!

Thank you for listening
Uli

[rachel28]

Support needed

thats really a toughh 1,i can understand the urge 4 a drink, just remind yourself its not any help, in the long run, or even in the short time, it will make u more upset/angry, an cloud your judgement , u ned to think clearly on this decision , u have done well to get this far, think about it before giving in to the impulse , thinking of you, and u aint no kid, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sweet Cheeks]

Support needed

Hang in there Uda. I have no idea what you must have experienced because of this beast, but as Rachel says you've done so well up to now.

Let him rot in hell is what I say. Agree, don't let the drink cloud your judgement. If you do decide to hear him out, at least you can do it with a clear head.

Good luck
SC

[retteacher]

Support needed

Uda: Do what is right for you. As AA folks say: "Don't drink, even if your ass falls off!" He's not worth it. If you feel that seeing your dad will bring closure, then go ahead. Perhaps you could set up some boundaries ahead of time, such as:
-he must be truthful.
-he can't trash you or your accurate memories.
-etc.
Sometimes making preventative statements works. Good Luck, Mary

[Kitty]

Support needed

Uli,

I'm not really sure what you should do, but this is what I would do. I would e-mail him back and ask him to write me a letter detailing what is on his mind you can then gauge from there what his intentions/feelings are. This will also give you a chance to work through your own feelings at a distance.

You are vulnerable right now and I think a face to face confrontation would be hard for you whatever he has to say. You have not had any contact with him for a very long time so I would give it a little more time now.

Gosh Uli, if ever there was a test for you this is it! Be Strong, as Sweet said don't let alcohol cloud your judgement, you have been doing so well. Don't let this man who has already damaged lives cause you any more upset.

Best of luck,

Kitty

[rachel28]

Support needed

maybe u can chat to piscies an capricorn on piscies post, u may have some help for each other,

[hart]

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I understand where you are coming from. I was molested at age 11 by my uncle. I never told anyone because the reason I was with him was because my mother was drinking a lot and they wanted to "spare me" being with her.....Ironic, eh?

I had nothing but hatred for the man. I found out later, as well, that he had molested others, another cousin and his own daughter. Monsters aren't they?

My uncle died and hopefully went straight to hell.....I'm a LITTLE prejudiced. I dont have much of a relationship w/my father, he beat me and when I told him my uncle had molested me he blamed mom. No expression of regret or anger.....hence WE don't have much of a relationship.

You have been give some great advice. You are newly into your alcohol free journey. I fear you would falter easily at this time. My two cents, if you feel it would give YOU closure to speak to your dad, write him. He can wait for his closure until you are farther in your journey. Why should you a victim, be the one to sacrifice again?

Love to you.:l

[sujul]

Support needed

I agree, that's a tough one... and there is good advice here....

It MIGHT be a good idea but only if it would do YOU some good--don't do it for his sake--he doesn't deserve it. But it might be cathartic to you and even bring a certain amount of closure to a terrible experience in your life. But I agree with the others that this requires careful thought and some definite strategy....

Kitty's idea of a letter telling you what he has in mind seems like a good idea--if it's just more lies and bs that he's thinking of then you can stay away. If he seems as though he wants to be honest, then maybe you can think about what that might mean for you and if it would be helpful to getting on with your life.

One of the biggest problems with survivors of incest and sexual abuse is that we remain trapped in the memory of it--we simply cannot move on with our lives because we are always reliving the abuse. Sometimes being able to safely confront our abuser and being told the truth can be enormously helpful--but it depends on the person, his motives and the situation....

I wonder if it might be helpful if you had someone else come along? A professional setting (with a therapist or another person trained in this type of problem) might be helpful so that things don't get out of hand--a professional can be there as an objective presence and help direct what goes on...keeping the "conversation" on track, intepreting what's being said and so on....

Another possibility is if there is a clergy person who you trust and who is trained to handle this sort of situation, that person might be helpful to you by being present....

Or maybe just having a trusted friend or another family member to wait outside...?

The key thing, though, is to ensure that it is YOU who sets the boundaries and is control of the situation. Meeting on neutral ground (rather than where either you or he live) is advisable, having an objective and trained person present is a good idea, and having the support of someone you trust is equally important. Don't try to do this alone!

Remember, this is about YOU--it is NOT about him! And only on YOUR terms! He deserves no consideration from you, so only do it for your own benefit and set it up so that it works for you...if it can help free you from the past--then think about it... If not--then don't....

Take it slowly...being gentle with yourself...and you're are right--you CAN handle this!

:l :l

[uda]

Support needed

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support - crisis over for the moment and NO DRINK! Couldn't have done that without you. And your advice has been brilliant.

My father lives in a different country, so it's not a question of seeing him without some prior planning. What I did do was send him an e-mail explaining that I felt we needed a common basis to start talking about things. I then wrote a statement of the facts (I'm a lawyer btw), his previous 'defences' (Not true, 'hand slipped perhaps') and went on to dissect them (At least 4 independent witnesses, hand unlikely to slip into child's underwear in the first place, it certainly doesn't repeatedly etc. etc.). Finished the letter by telling him that if he wanted to meet me to personally express his regret at his actions and the effect they have had I would be prepared to do so.

So, boundaries are in place, conditions apply - up to him now.

It feels very good to have done this without alcohol.

Thank you again - you are such a life-line!

Uli

[beatle]

Support needed

Dammit Sujul--you stole my thoughts again.
That was great advice.
I can't add to it except to say that in a similar situation in my life, it was very helpful to write things down-- all the feelings and all the things I wanted to say to the person in question.
In the end, I wrote a letter (it took ages to compose) explaining how I felt before the meeting (confrontation, in my case). It helped to have set the groundwork and also to have the notes with me.
Hope you find out what's best for you.

[beatle]

Support needed

oh, I see that you resolved things while I was writing--. Good job. (wish I was a lawyer).

[nutcake]

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I am certainly not a shrink, but I can tell you my biggest trigger is emotional lows/stress too, so I understand you must be struggling. I can't give you advice other than to try hard to stay sober whether you speak to him or not. It sounds to me like you are torn, which means there is a part of you that wants to have some sort of contact.
Elderly people start to worry about their mortality, and regardless of whether he will admit his transgressions, he is freekin' out about no contact with you. I'll be thinking of you....if you aren't sober if you do speak to him, the lights will be on but nobody will be home. Good luck - take care.

[beatle]

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nutcake, great name and very good advice.
hope you post more often.

[Guest]

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Good luck uda. I hope you find peace. Well done for coping without resorting to the demon drink.

Starlight Impress

[Sweet Cheeks]

Support needed

You're an inspiration to us all Uda. Well done for facing up to this with a clear head. You should be really proud of yourself. Sujul is right in saying that YOU need to set the boundaries and stick to them. My husband was physically abused as a child and has only now sought counselling (he's 44) and is coming through the other side. He turned depressive rather than to alcohol and now feels that he is facing up to the things that have haunted and tortured him for all this time.

I guess it's a bit like saying NO when somebody offers you a drink - if only it were that easy!

Keep on goin - I bet you feel on top of the world right now for doin so well.
SC:l