How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

[Change]

*Sigh*, the post title says it all.

Some friends of mine just got back from holiday yesterday and called me to ask when we could catch up for a drink. The phone call was inevitable. They weren't aware of my decision as they have been away for the whole time.

So, now, temptation is knocking at my door, as we used to spend a lot of our time together drinking. I just hope we have more in common than that! I still want to be friends with them, but don't want to get sucked into a possible re-lapse.

So, yeah, telling my buddy that i hadn't had a drink for around 25 days and that i was considering never doing it again was really hard as i know that ultimately, if they can get me to drink, they will (only because they believe i will havie a good time).

So, because a lot of our social lives together revolved around pubs and venues, it is going to be weird / hard going there without drinking. I probably won't go out as much, but i would still like to catch up with my friends - just minus the alcohol.

I remember once we went out and whilst i drank, i moderated heavily while they got really drunk. I guess i can do it again, but not now, i am feeling susceptible.

Btw, thanks to Melissa and Louise for your kind words of encouragement. I am feeling at the bottom of the food chain right now and am seriously questioning my ability to strive for a better life... an example being i constantly settle for jobs way beneath my ability, and then get overlooked for jobs that i am more than capable of (and the employers know it, it is usually by someone who wants to keep me down for some reason).

I look around me and think that i should have so much more to show for my life, and my mum is a head-phuck and keeps playing mind games with me. I feel that people take from me and rarely give back. Except for this site. I guess life is full of empty people all trying to get their 'fill'. Problem is, i don't know when to shut off, so I often give of myself and then feel violated when it is not returned. The hardest thing was letting somebody a business competitor into my life, only to get walked all over later. I knew by my instincts that she would probably do me over, but i went ahead with it anyway.

I'm feeling pretty powerless and vulnerable, which is weird, because i used to be at the top of the 'food chain', completely in control of my future. Now, it has all turned to dust. And, it's not because of the drinking, it's because of my lack of self-worth and feeling that i don't deserve much. I have aimed far too small.

It seems like it's the fittest that survive, not necessarily the nicest, or most talented.

[Change]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Guess i am feeling like the bad is outweighing the good at the moment, at about 4:1.

[Fallen Prince]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

HI

Hi change, I can relate to so much of what you've said, i'm in kinda the exact same situation.
The friends thing is so difficult, because you really dont want to lose your friends but you know you'll be in dangerous situations if you hang out with them. I would advise that you be wary when going out drinking moderatley. I went through the Prioy rehab in February, got out and was feeling really positive, afterwards i continued to go out with my friends to pubs clubs etc at first not drinking, then drinking moderately and before i knew it back to drinking more heavily than anyone else, feeling terrible in the morning and so drinking the next day aswell. Now here i am 4/5 months later back in the same old situation, done 5/6 days af which is the most for months, but its going to be a very long road and i'm supposed to be going to couple of parties in the next couple of weeks and i dont know how to handle it. For the past 12 years my whole social life has revolved around drinking really, but i suppose for anyone to stay sober thats got to change, trouble is when you feel so low its hard to motivate yourself to try new things isnt it?
As for your mum being a head phuck can defintley relate to that, mine just makes me feel so guilty for drinking it makes it worse, she just cant understand addiction - so i try not to talk to her about it, trouble is thats creating distance between us.
Like you i used to think I had everything and was at the top and like you i now feel powerless and at the very bottom, but perhaps thats where we need to be so we both sort out our issues for good. May I ask how your drinking is going lately?
Sorry for rambling on but you really struck a cord with me, remember your not alone and you can still achieve eberything you want from life

[Change]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Thanks Prince.

My drinking is going okay. I haven't had one for around 25-26 days (it will be a month this Thursday).

Sometimes i think, "what the hell, i might as well throw it all in so i can have some friends", but another part of me realises that i didn't even drink that much 5-10 years ago and that this one person in particular really influenced me into drinking (I was weak, i couldn't say no). Let me tell you, they won't give a shit if i don't stop as they are prepared not to stop, so i think it's about time i looked after myself and that entails changing my social habits so i am not drinking with them. Even if we go to licensed venues, i know they will be offering me drinks relentlessly. They won't let me go that easily, i don't think they are taking me seriously. I think they have the attitude like, "she'll cave, it's just a matter of time".

Uhm, yeah, i am feeling at the bottom of the heap, financially, socially, emotionally. As i said before, i constantly work in jobs that are below my capability, and when you have people less capable than you, looking down at you, it doesn't make you feel very good. The way people treat you does play a role in how you view yourself in my opinion (maybe it shouldn't and that's what i have to learn out of this... i don't know).

I am also at the bottom of the heap where i live. I invested in a crappy apartment, which i hate and now feel stuck due to my finances being tied up in it. And i am worried about not getting a loan due to my work situation, which means i will be selling up here with no prospect of buying another apartment later. I really didn't invisage myself being in this position, i had such higher hopes for myself.

Now, i've just got to get the strength to stop the drinking with friends. I guess the bottom line is that i want to live by my own rules, not theirs, so i need to work out a strategy in order to deal with them. Sometimes they bamboozle me into drinking with them, giving me wild ideas that seem too exciting to say no to.

I guess the other thing that scares me is that i am wondering if i have anything in common with these people apart from drinking?

Having written that, i now realise that that is not how i want to live my life.

Wow, a miracle, and i got it all from writing it out..

5-6 days AF is good. It's a good start.

Have you managed to find other things to do yet? Maybe we can post here to get ideas and support each other...

I'm glad i struck a chord with you. It helps to feel understood and it helps to help other people, or at least to make them feel like they are not so alone.

[Kitty]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Dear Change,

You are already sounding more positive in your last post. You have done so well with the af, a month is a huge acheivment.

I can relate to your work issues. I left a really good management position when I relocated and I can't find anything right now. Did a shift last week in a bar of all places and when a guy put his chewing gum into a glass I was collecting it was the last straw. Not a good environment for me to be in anyway. I can absolutley relate to the way you feel regarding your colleagues too.

You will feel better when you move, I read how you are unhappy there, maybe you won't be able to get exactly what you want at first but I think it will be less stressful for you.

I'm not sure what to suggest about your friends. For me my priority right now is getting myself well so I've avoided social situations. Just go with what your heart tells you, I think you know deep down what to do.

Good luck anyway, you deserve those higher hopes you wish for yourself.

Kitty

[sujul]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Hey Change--

I think I have felt what you're going through--and my heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to be thinking your life isn't quite where you had hoped it would be...

But here's what I discovered: throw all your efforts into dealing with the alcohol problem and then you will be able to deal with the other parts of your life.....

I often sound like a broken record but my mantra is "whatever it takes"--and that meant changing my social habits if they even had the potential to cause me to drink. I have missed birthday celebrations, weddings and dinners because I valued my freedom from alcohol more than anything else in the world. And, if I don't value my hard-won freedom, then nothing else much matters!

The reward for persisting in this struggle is that my life is incredibly different than it was when I was drinking...I have been able to make better decisions, have better relationships and start to value my life again. Yes, there are people who I don't see that much any more--our interests (alcohol) are now different. But so what! I have also met new people with other interests and now enjoy these friends as much as I did the others....actually, in some ways, I even like my old friends better--I feel a lot more compassion for them as struggling human beings than I did when I had my head stuck in a bottle....and I'm actually attending a wedding this weekend where I know there will be substantial drinking but since drinking is no longer an option for me, there should be no problem. However, if I feel even remotely uncomfortable--I'm out of there!

So, my advice is keep racking up the AF days, commit yourself to your new life and your new self--the change is gradual but ultimately dramatic--and you will begin to see how to address the other important stuff in your life--work, home, relationships.

This is what worked for me.

And, I promise you, when the fog lifts you will be able to see your way...and don't be surprised if it turns out to be wonderfully different than you had even imagined...hang in there!

:l :l

[sujul]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Oh, one more thing--

Did you know that your avatar, the winged heart, is the symbol of the mystical sufi order....it is a truly beautiful spiritual tradition:

"When human beings treasure the things of the earth their hearts are drawn to the earth. But the heart is subject not only to gravitation, but also to attraction from on high, and as in the Egyptian symbology, wings are considered as the symbol of spiritual progress, the heart with wings expresses that the heart reaches upward towards heaven."

Always, there are unexpected treasures right in front of us, just waiting for us to be clear-eyed enough to see them....

[nancy]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

I really like Sujul's response to your post. I would try to follow her advice.

Seems to me that you are unhappy in a number areas of your life. But you have to be cautious not to let that cloud over your achievements.After all,you have almost one month AF under your belt and that is great. But you don't seem to be giving yourself that much credit for it.

If you have this way of looking at things, even when you achieve something you might not appreciate it or recognize it. so what if you got a better apt? well, maybe your job would still be bad. What if you met a great woman? Maybe you could say negatively that you don't have much to offer her. See what I mean? Maybe one month ago you would have been down on yourself for being a drunk and now you have one month sober and you don't seem to be basking in that success. I think it is great that you own your own place. many people don't.

Sometimes low self esteem is related to the inability to see the good things in ourselves. I really struggle with this myself.

With a clear head maybe you can start to make improvements in the areas you are unhappy with, but best to try to clear it up a bit at a time, and if you do succeed, try to reward yourself somehow instead of just moving right on to the next goal and feeling unhappy again.

[Fallen Prince]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Small Steps

Wow a month is a huge achievment, you should be really proud of yourself!! From what your saying your life (like mine) deteriorated over a period of time due to drinking, so i suppose its only natural that when we stop drinking its going to take time to get things back in order and be happy with ourselves again. I'm trying to take small steps and tell myself that if i stop drinking in 6 months my whole life and perspective is going to be completley different. You've made a giant leap forward going that long AF, especially with the challenges your facing.
I'm glad you ended yor post on a positive note, its strangley theraputic all this isnt it? When writing and trying to give any advice i can it actually reinforces things for me aswell.
I'm disappointed your friends seem to pressure you into drinking, if they are close friends can you not explain your situation to them and how dangerous it is for you being in pubs/clubs/parties and that you need there help in order for you to stay strong and how important it is that you dont drink?
As for other activities that dont involve drinking, i'm still working on that one! I dont want to dismiss anyones elses hobbies but nothing seems to appeal as much at present as going out partying and having a laugh. I suppose we actually need to get to know ourselves without alcohol & find out who we actually are and what we enjoy? If you come up with anything please let me know.
Please be patient, things will get better and really really well done for going so long, i hope i can!

[cassy]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Hi i found at first when i went out on Af nights that i felt a bit was missing..however i had much better conversations that were retained in my memory.

i do still drink at present and try and do the mods thing...
The old notion of a whoop time out dies hard doesnt it?

The last 2 weddings i went to i didnt dare drink until the 2 hours prior to when i planned to leave in case my off swithc failed....i had a great time at both occasions.

I was able to keep up with the day, enjoy company and have 3 small wines , a bit of a dance and booked the taxi pre the wedding to ensure i left early enough before "the one more wont hurt messeage" kicked in.

HOWEVER moderating is risky for me still and i slip at times..just not ready to go the whole way as yet...all part of my personal change journey.

It can be fun dressing up, having a nice meal with friends and a laugh and being sober for the evening BUT i still ahve the urge to drink on some occasions.

Wont beat myself up..i record carefully my input and reset my goals each mont..living always in hope for gradual changes.

Good luck.

cassy

[missCDJ]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Hi, Change!

Congratulations on your progress so far, your story sounds so familiar to mine, it's worth remembering that all the negative issues in your life will be improved by being sober. Many of the things that went wrong in my life (divorce, homelesness, bancruptcy, crap jobs) were not caused by drinking too much but it sure as hell can't have helped! I have found Paul Mc Kenna's 'Instant Confidence' hypno CD and book really helpful with self esteem issues as I don't think I could do therapy at the moment. Re. drinking friends, I have actually started to try and meet people who aren't into drinking in a big way and see less of those who do- cinema trips and day trips are replacing mad nights out. The test will come when my friend comes to stay in a couple of weeks, though- I can't ever remember a sober night with her, our nights out were just crazy:H ... Considering telling her I have a kidney infection so she won't put presure on me. All the best, MissCDJ

[Change]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Hi everyone,

Thank-you for all your kind and considerate responses.

Sujul, thanks for the info on the avatar. For some reason, that one really appealed to me. I have always loved hearts with angel wings.

Nancy, you are right, i need to see the glass like it's half full instead of half empty, so some positive-style thinking may be in order. i think i will finally read The Secret.

An update on the friend situation. I went over there last night and was offered a drink. When i politely refused, i was told "good on you"! Which made me feel better, but nevertheless, they pushed the boundaries. I think it's like anything else, you just have to re-train people.

But yeah, feeling slightly more positive. Have made a move on selling my property, which is good.

Yay, i can get out of here!

[Kitty]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Hi Change,

That's good news, good luck on selling your property and you sound much brighter.

Well done with your friends.


Kitty

[nancy]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

positive thinking

Glad you are feeling a bit better.

There is this simple philosophy of looking on the bright side. I know that.

But I had a realization that went further than that. Some life situations are really bad and you can understand they cause a lot of sadness. But negative thinking is part of depression and more destructive than just seeing the glass half empty. It's having an unrealistically negative self-perception, something that actually does not mesh with what other people see. A therapist pointed that out to me and I never forgot it. It's a bit like an anorexic looking in the mirror and seeing fat. Another therapist said she was trying to find out whether the obstacles to my happiness were self-imposed or imposed by external sources. most were selfimposed and sounds like some of yours are too (work situation for example). the good news about that is that you only have to change one person instead of the whole world...

[missCDJ]

How do you deal with friends you used to drink with?

Not so hard drinking friend!

Hi Change
Hope your week is going well... You know the hard drinking friend I was worried about coming to stay with me? I called her last night (when sober, I usually have a glass of wine in hand ready for a long chat). I mentioned that I had stopped drinking and guess what, she has decided to as well....It seems it was getting in the way of her college work, so no wine during the week and moderate on social occasions.Still not sure how it will go when we meet up (it's been nearly 2 years), but am not so panicky about it now. It just shows you, many of your co-drinkers may secretly want to make changes in their lives too!!
Have given her details of the site.
All the best- MissCDJ X