Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

[7catsfortea]

On Friday I paid some cash into my credit card account. Given the fact that Monday was a bank holiday here it should (will) clear tomorrow. That will unmax out the account and permit me to order the kudzu from this site. It's 2am and I've just started my 2nd bottle of gin of the evening/night, a fact that I'm not proud of/absolutely disgusted with myself about to be honest. Nor am I pleased about the fact that despite over a whole bottle of spirit that I can still spell and make sense (tolerance) - it suggests a deep rooted problem.

I am by nature deeply suspicious, yet despite this nature I detect no deception in the offering of the kudzu product here and therefore at present am looking forward to placing the order. But of course I just said "deep rooted problem", and therefore I expect difficulties ahead, whether predicted or not, and I'm posting now to test the waters.

So, I don't expect the kudzu to arrive, to start taking it, and the same day to experience zero cravings and to look back at the problem as an issue of history, but at the same time having been addicted for a long time I'm not sure what to expect and have a fear of the future, whether that future be alcoholic, moderated or alcohol free.

Living in the UK, how long can I expect to wait, potential customs issues included, for the product to arrive? Will I require to dry out entirely for a day, 2 days, 3 days etc before starting to use the product (I can do this if I have a reasonable expectation of future success), or will the product have an effect say the first morning after a night-time binge (I don't wake up first thing in the morning and drink - it typically occurs around 5pm in the evening)?

Can I expect it to help me moderate? I have just turned 26, therefore consider myself quite young and I am not yet willing to admit defeat to alcohol after severe childhood abuse. Having 100% emotionally distanced myself from my abuser I intend to use an interim solution, eg the kudzu or prescription medication to help me get other aspects of my life in order (particularly paid employment), and then use the resultant stability to help maintain the moderated drinking lifestyle obtained through the meds. Given this attitude, will I require further non-medical supplementation to the kudzu, and if yes, of what form?

I have now re-read everything that I've written a few times and feel happy with it. So I guess I'm reaching out to people further on in the journey of recovery at this point by saying am I onto a winner or not? What can I expect from the kudzu; indeed before I place the first order is it a worthwhile investment, & if yes, will I need to take it for a long time to avoid relapse? (Btw, AA and psychotherapy has typically been a disastrous and destructive behaviour reinforcing failure every time for me, so please don't inform me of these options - I have thought about them).

Thanks so much for reading.

Mike.

[caysea]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Welcome mike I can't give you any advice about meds. I can tell you that you have being young on your side and it hasn't become a 20 or 30 or 40 years of abuse like myself and others. If you want to be AF it will be a battle. If you think mod is the way for you the begining will also be a battle.The med won't be magic it is going to
still be you fighting the war.We all have had to get motivated big time to make any progress
I am sure others will be able to give you advice on the meds just wanted to let you know someone is out here

Stay Healthy

[Seacailin]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Same boat

I have also tried AA, unsucessfully, but have managed to be sober for 12 out of the last 19 years. AA failed because of me not because of AA. If u find something that works, please let me know, as I feel that I am doomed. I am also very skeptical about ordering programs, meds. and what not. Best wishes

[evie]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Hi there!:welcome:7cats
I'm too in the UK. The kudzu took about 1-2 weeks to arrive to me- Holland and barratt do sell it too but not sure if its 'as good' as the stuff here on site. Maybe you could try this in the meantime?
I don't think its ever had adverse effects on me when still drinking, but I would imagine it has more impact the less alcohol is in your body. The L glutamine really helps me with cravings too (sold in H&B- on this site get more for your money even taking postage into consideration).
You certainly have youth on your side, but I know I'm finding it hard to moderate! Think if I could quit completely then this would be better.
The book 7 weeks to sobriety by J Larson explains alot about the physiological sides of alcohol problems and helped me to understand why I react the way I do to al and can't just have 1 drink! It also suggests how to use supplements (vitC, amino acids, diet etc) to maximize the success of staying healthy.
All the best to you and I hope you find the kudzu helps.
Evie

[7catsfortea]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

I too read here that Holland and Barrett sell kudzu but that it's not high enough quality to forcefully intervene in a drinking problem. One has to remember that in every interaction there is profit to be made and thus mental corruption is always a lingering possibility and problem. For this reason only someone who has been through the deeply distressing problems caused by excessive drinking, has recovered and has become a vendor can be trusted for any source of chemical (etc) aid IMO. For that purpose I can only rely on experience. I find most scams painfully obvious and as advertised in my original post in this thread I can maintain spelling, grammar and structure even when fucked out of my face, so I have a good ability to analyse someone's intentions through the words they use on the internet*.

My war is in full flow right now. Can you believe that it's 11:30am here and I have to be in college by 2, and what am I doing? Drinking triple gins and coke, that's what. Yet I just place my order for the kudzu and L-glutamine from this site because my credit card has become usable again. * = So I'm feeling quietly confident that the money I just spent went to someone who has good intentions towards problem drinkers and alcoholics out there, even if doesn't achieve the results I'm hoping for. This morning's drinking is irrational behaviour in the extreme, yet as I'm sure most of us know, trying to rationalise one's way out of this destructive behaviour is the worst "have a drink" trigger in our brains, and is therefore useless. So I'm trying to not be too concerned about the gin and instead I'm thinking about when the supplements arrive. If they provide sufficient influence to give me the upper hand in this war then great, otherwise I will need to re-evaluate my position in ~2 weeks.

Well that's me, best of luck to all.

[evie]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Hi again 7cats!
I've just received my lot of L-glut from MWO and it only took 3 working days so just wanted to encourage you that hopefully you wont have to wait as long as 2 weeks!.....all the best to you
Evie

[FloridaBoy]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

:welcome: Mike,

The Kudzu worked for me. I am 30 years older than you and have never been able to moderate. Have you? Be brutally honest with yourself. *I* don't think drugs are going to get your life in order. You may be pleasantly shocked at how life will look once you are AF for a while. Try it and see. You will find a lot of support here.

[7catsfortea]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Brutally honest - no I haven't managed it before. I've tried a few times but ended up in endless talking to myself out aloud internal debates that just stressed me out, and then that stress led straight back to the bottle.

I want to try the kudzu and/or meds not because I expect miracles or easy answers but because from my experience I think far too much and that thinking is counter-productive. I'm easily bored and my internal voice is always leading me to do something self destructive for a bit of fun. Yes I know I shouldn't but I always do. Given that I know this then I have to look elsewhere other than rationalisation and talking for ways forward.

I can't imagine being alcohol free. I don't know what it would feel like. However if it were on the table right now I would take it. The way it seems to work with me is a bit like this: somehow I got through college yesterday without anyone realising I was quite pissed. I'm most unpleased with myself for taking that risk but at the same time I know that lurking underneath my psyche are those pleasure centres of my brain that enjoyed taking and getting away with said risk that will want to do it again at the most unintelligent time possible. Repeat lots of times. Eventually severely screw up. Oh dear I've severely screwed up and feel terrible about it. Better have a drink.

You can't counsel a self-destructive personality like this. I have escaped a very abusive father and now I look at the biology and chemistry of the situation. He's a psychopath - meaning he's missing the emotions of guilt, fear, shame and remorse and has little or no conscience to keep his anti-social behaviour in check. Psychopaths are known not just to not respond to therapy and talking, but it's known to actually make them worse. I may not be like him in that I do care about what other people feel, but when it comes to alcohol I am every bit as bad as he is overall, ie talking therapies, AA etc are wasted on me because my brain just doesn't listen and screams "I'm bored", so if I ever want to make any progress I have to admit to myself what is going on in my brain and who I am. That's the biology & genetics. As for the chemistry I feel a little more optimistic about progress if I concentrate on the fact that I said intellectually I can't talk my way out of ignoring the desire to stimulate those pleasure centres 24/7. But if I can succeed for part of the time each day, and in that time take something that blocks them or makes me forget about them, then that could buy me time to replace the pleasure of alcohol with something more fruitful. Then I might not want it so much in the future. This logic keeps both future moderation and quitting as options.

Re-reading this is making antabuse seem like a sensible final option. If the only part of the brain that's working when it comes to the subject of drink is pleasure, then maybe it will learn that drink = "ewwww, that sucked royally, I'd better not do that again" after I make myself have a glass of wine on the first few days. I should probably stop writing now as I think I've made my point - ie I'm convinced that chemicals are the way forward for me, and quitting is in my mind, but I just haven't reached the point where I feel I must surrender yet.

[jessie]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Dear 7catsfortea,
I wish I were you. I wish I had al this information at age 26. I wish I had access to Antabuse at age 26. Instead I spent 32 years drinking, first just socially and then abusing it and finally, as you well know that it is a progressive disease, I lost control. Your brain is still young. You are very intelligent. STOP! STOP now! Your whole life is ahead of you and you can overcome the childhood abuse. You can have a wonderful and sober life. Like Floridaboy said, you will be pleasantly surprised.
I am not over my struggle yet but getting there and diarizing my AF days and during everyone of my AF days, except the first when I'm suicidal with remorse and anxiety, I feel much more positive and joyful.
Get the Antabuse, bite the bullet, you can do it.
Jessie

[beatle]

Frustrated, drunk, hopeful etc.

Hi 7cats, first off, I have read your other posts (and responded) and I feel you are very much like me. All your descriptions of your thinking processes are extremely similar to mine.

First off: you are definitely not a loser, yes, an alcoholic, and no, not past the point of no return. (But I think you know this already).

As for the KUDZU: If it works for you like it did for me, it will take some of the desire for alcohol away, making it easier to resist (or at least to put off the first drink of the day) and easier to drink slower. The mad, all-consuming desire to drink drink drink is sort of dampened or numbed, but if you really try, you can drink over it. So it's not a miracle, but it is helpful.

I also recommend the book "Seven Weeks to Sobriety"-- I think this will be right up your alley. It is written by a woman whose alcoholic son committed suicide at an early age, at a time in his life when he was doing very well (graduating from college). The author (Larson) has researched the physiological/chemical causes of alcoholism and has set up a programme to combat alcoholism with supplements. It's a great, thoroughly researched book, and the AAers hate it because it goes against everything AA says (and she has a way higher success rate with her programme, which focusses on the chemical aspects of the brain, rather than... well, you know.).

I think you have to attack this from many different angles, and the kudzu alone is not going to do it. But I agree, you need to get sober before you can even think about trying to solve the other problems you may have.

If you can manage to get sober for 24 hours, I recommend Antabuse to keep you sober for a while while you let your your body heal and try to figure out how to go on, and develop coping strategies without the alcohol interfering.