scared, pissed, and ranting

[Larisa]

Just need to vent, and don't have anyone to tell...apologies in advance...on day seventy-something here, re-ordered my topa online on 7/17 so I'd have plenty of time to get it and no danger of running out. Eshoprx has been doing a good job for me so far and is much cheaper than anyone else, but they really dropped the ball this time. My payment was processed on 7/22, and my order didn't get shipped until 7/31. My tracking number never showed up on the USPS web site at all. They reassured me continually that it was on the way - finally got them to give up and reship YESTERDAY. I've got about 600 mg left, so I've dropped the dosage way down, and I may be able to get my doc in the box here to give me a refill (we'll see; haven't talked to them since I started ordering online).

So anyway, all I really have to say is, damn everything to hell, I'm gonna run out before it gets here, even if I taper way down, and I'm scared shitless. I don't want to drink, and I need the frickin drugs - don't know how long before the cravings attack, or if they will; don't know if I drank, if the topa would be as effective when I took it again; can't stand the thought of starting over - night sweats, barfing, ugh! I do not want to go back there. This absolutely sucks.

Don't think there's anything anyone on here can do to help, but thank you for listening. It helps to have somewhere to freak out a little.

[A Work in Progress]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Ah, Larisa, this is so frustrating! You have done everything right to make it happen, and people at the other end are mindlessly f@ing up... Of course you are furious!

If cravings hit... well... they are just cravings, right? And cravings are just your brain/body telling you a pack of lies. If it creates a huge struggle for you, go to square one and use ALL the other tools you can cobble together: a lot of time here on MWO, lots of activities that don't involve alcohol, lots of good healthy nutrition, movies, supportive non-drinking friends, WHATEVER IT TAKES, right?

best wishes

wip

[Ask For Help]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Hey Larissa;
I hear you.
It's frustrating to do all your planning to make sure you don't run out and have the UPS gods against you.

I was in a situation where I ran low on Topo unexpectedly (my lack of attention) and I just didn't know how to dose it, so I decided it had been six months and maybe I'd try tapering off it. (I'm a modder by the way). I modded just fine for about 3 weeks and then noticed old thoughts and habits creeping back in. Now I'm dosing back up.

Sounds like you might have the doc in the box option. Even if they would give you a two week script that would help, right? I think they would be sympathetic to the mail order dilemma, and understanding that this isn't a drug you want to stop and start abruptly.

I don't know it you'll have "a window" like I did where the cravings don't come back right away. Could you also load up on the other anti-craving stuff L-Glut and Kudzu?

Try not to worry to much about going all the way back to zero. I bet you're learned new coping strategies and with the support here on the boards we'll can get you through a rough patch.
Best thoughts to you.

Ask

[Larisa]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Thank you both - I feel better already! A little less like the heroine in a Greek tragedy, anyway. Yes, I was actually thinking that the evil alcohol gods had it in for me and were determined not to let me get away. I've got all the other supps, and I will use them - I can't tell a real difference with them like I can with the topa, but I'm really tolerant to meds, so they might be doing a lot. (That's why I take 300 mg of topa with barely any side effects, lol!) Whatever it takes, right! Somebody come tie me up??? It's my own fault I don't have people here to help me - I got tired of 'fessing up in AA after 3 years of failure and just started lying. Everybody here thinks I've been sober over a year. Maybe this is AA hell, and I'm paying for my sins!

Winds from India, may you blow smoothly and strongly and carry that gnarly little brown cd envelope to me...

Thanks again for the support.

[Larisa]

scared, pissed, and ranting

I can just see the headlines now - Woman Arrested for Robbing Pharmacy/Forging Prescription for...Topamax???

[Neaker]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Too bad someone couldn't send you some Topa to get you through until your shipment arrives. Then you could return what you borrow. Just a thought...

Neak

[CS04]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Larisa, I really think you'll be OK. You have so many AF days. Your habits and mentality have changed, so you might not even need the Topa. Don't let it rattle you. I have faith in you!

[Larisa]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Thanks so much, guys. CS, I am very moved - just please don't place any bets, ok?? I have a track record to change first!

I think I'm picturing topa withdrawal sort of like the end of Flowers for Algernon, where Charlie starts misspelling words again and slowly getting all simple-minded, and you realize he's going back to the way he used to be...haha!!! A slur here...a stumble there...and shit fire, I'm a daily drinker again, passed out at 7 pm.

God may have sent me a topa angel, btw!!

[CS04]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Larisa, remember that Flowers for Algernon is *fiction.* Hang in there and remember that Topa is just a tool, not WHO you are. I am rooting for you! (BTW, that's one of my favorite books/movies.)

[maasai]

scared, pissed, and ranting

hie larisa, am sure you will be fine, just try and look far beyond the Topa since one thing is clear you wont need it foreve, CS has a very good point that Topa is just a tool,
cravings can forsure hit and hit badly but the suffering you will undergo is far much less than the one we have all been through while drinking,
personaly i would rather die becouse of cravings rather than drinking again" you can do it beleave it, and say that to yourself,

[DeeBee]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Hi Larrissa,

I too ran out of Topa and only 3 days into going AF (I was on it for 3 months whilst modding) and it also scared the crap out of me. I didn't repleshish my stock due to the cost and financial restraints this month but you know what, I am still AF without the Topa!! I have got my Kudzu, GABA and L-Glut and i am doing just fine. So just wanted to re-assure you that it can still be done. I think alot of it is in the head, I'm not saying the Topa doesn't work - I am a huge fan and I don't believe I would never have gotten to where I am without but maybe if you try the supps until the Topa arrives you can make sure that AL does not enter you life?

[Larisa]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Wow!

I am overwhelmed by your compassion and support - thank you so much! Yes, I am going to make it, one way or another - I especially know that after reading these posts by all you strong souls. I am so blessed to have you to lean on in a stressful time. My topa's on the way, and in the meantime, I'll keep your words in front of me to keep me steady.

You're all right; cravings are just cravings and are certainly not worse than the hellish prison of alcohol.

Thank you!

[Ask For Help]

scared, pissed, and ranting

So how are you doing? Did the Topa arrive yet?

Hi Larisa:

I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Fine I hope. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help until the topa arrives.

Fondly,

Ask

[bloggy]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Hi Larisa

A quit smoking book I found very useful suggests when a craving hits, just go into it- don't try to fight it or resist it in anyway, just feel it as much as you can and try to sit with it for as long as you can. This is an amazing tool, because when you try to do this- it disappears

I am sure you wont get cravings anyway, 70 plus days is a long time, all the old habits and AL should be well out of the system now- the doctors here say 90 days on Antebuse is enough for just about 90% of alcoholics by then the new lifestyle is well enough established that they are unlikely to slip.

I am sure you will be fine.

[Larisa]

scared, pissed, and ranting

Hi, guys, thank you for remembering about me! No, my topa STILL isn't here yet! I think it's actually on the way now - at least the tracking no. is registering at USPS, although it doesn't seem to have entered the country yet.

I don't know if I had actual cravings or not; I know I had PANIC, haha! I thought about drinking an awful lot, and felt sorry for myself, and thought really constructive, adult things like, hell with it, if I do everything I'm supposed to, and it still doesn't cooperate with me, I might as well just drink! Not proud of that, just telling on myself here, hehe.

And then some topa seems to have magically appeared from out of the sky, courtesy of the topa angels of MWO...funny how things like that can happen, especially when you don't deserve them! So I'm covered until mine gets here, and I'm humbled, and I'm very touched that you came back to check and see how I was doing. Thank you for that and for your words of encouragement. You are so much better than nasty ol' wine anyday!