My Naltrexone Journey

[brightlite]

My Naltrexone Journey

I know what you mean about DC Metro area.

I actually didn't do too bad in Vegas except for the one night of Champagne. Did do the spa thing and not stay out too late...so not too bad.

I had the notice that my Nal arrived too, so I'll pick that up tomorrow at P.O.

How's it going for you...still maintaining? It does give many hope to read your posts about how well the Nal is working for you. Keep fighting the good fight! And, keep posting!

[crown86]

My Naltrexone Journey

Week 9 ending Jan 23
Units 25

Another great week it just keeps getting better and better. I went out Friday night with a big group of friends. I had a total of 7 drinks over 5 hours and two of those were shots and the rest beer. The shots were major. The first round ole macho me cant say no...lol it made me queasy..the second round of shots an hour later got me. Damn it was embarrassing...my mouth started to water, stomach rumble, eyes watering, the valcano was set to blow. I had to literally run to the bathroom in a niteclub and thank god I made it and thank god the the stall with the porcelian thrown was open. Can you say embarrassed..LOL I was sober. Drunk I did way more unspeakable things when out than, this but sober it's not much fun and highly embarrassing. When The thrird round came...I was like NO F-ing WAY and refused and left it on the bar. I am 100% convinced TSM has destroyed my love affair with straight liquor. I can truly say it will be a cold day in hell before I have a shot again.

The rest of the week was 3 beers a day before during and after dinner. I am 100% convinced this is out of habit not neccessity meaning it's like I am hanging on to alcohol like ok bitch who's kicking who's ass now. I am now going to see how many AF days I can string together. I have no more beer in the house and have no plan to buy any. Funny and I dont have that OMG I am out of beer..I NEED to get my butt to the store. I always had a 30 pack in the house always - was as essential as toliet paper. Beer is also not tasting so good any more. maybe 20% of the time I enjoy a cold one or two but that's it, they are becoming not so enjoyable. The feeling of drinking to get drunk is definitly gone about 90% of the time. The 10% left Naltrexone kills the getting wasted part. With my no beer thing, and this is what I love about TSM, I am not going to kill myself. Meaning if the urge is there so what..take Nal wait an hour and have one. I was primarily a straight whiskey drinker with beer on the side. Nal has killed my love of whiskey I am slowly seeing this happen with beer. I never really drink wine so...don't have that to kill.

Major milestone - Some will think this is dumb to me it's huge. I was talking on the phone the other day and noticed I had 2 half gallons of Crown on my kitchen counter. I bought these the day before starting TSM. One was full the other 3/4 of the way full....I ACTUALLY PUT these bottles in the liquor cabinet thinking I have it for quests. DAMN 2 MONTHS AND JUST SITTING ALMOST UNTOUCHED. A half gallon would last 1.5 days on a bender and the bender 3 days - why I always bought two half gallons. I always left my whiskey on the kitchen counter..like a loaf of wonder bread or a fruit basket...why put away whats going to be promptly used. I wonder if Crown Royal has an expiration date?

Other major thing I have fully come to terms with my own definition of what is sobriety. I am done comparing it to what was engrained in me from AA in my youth and abstinence. Who knows maybe Naltrexone and TSM will kill beer..I don't care one bit. I really don't care either way - it has gotten me off liquor. I am no longer out of control and can stop when I want. I remember reading what Firebird wrote about in control and at the helm. That is how I am feeling. Honestly, if this is as good as it got for the rest of my life on TSM, it's lifelong committment to me - I am married to TSM - I would be totally satified. Alcohol is no longer running my life, alcohol is no longer the source of serious depression, I am not doing things that are nuts and out of character. I am no longer isolated and have been meeting and making new friends and have zero worry I will be a fool. I have drive and motivation again. I have gotten involved with my new dog in something I always wanted to do - advanced obiedence trainign to become a therapy dog. When my mom was sick the hospice volunteers used to visit quite frequently. I always wanted to be able to give back but drinking the way I was no way. Work is going pretty damn good now that I have applied myself again. The biggest most single thing I think I have these days that I have not had in soo long - peace of mind. This is truly the best gift from TSM

I am not saying I am cured..I honestly don't know what to call it but I'll take it. I know this, the thought of where I was a few months ago and the thought of ever going back to that scares the hell out of me. I feel so bad for all the people TSM has not worked for. I pray for you guys and gals. I often think there but the grace of God go I.

[Lo0p]

My Naltrexone Journey

crown86;795673 wrote: the second round of shots an hour later got me. Damn it was embarrassing...my mouth started to water, stomach rumble, eyes watering, the valcano was set to blow. I had to literally run to the bathroom in a niteclub and thank god I made it and thank god the the stall with the porcelian thrown was open.

:H You counted that one as a unit? I wouldn't have... LOL!

[crown86]

My Naltrexone Journey

LMAO loop I thought about not counting it...LOL..but man it was embarrassing running in the club...if I was drunk hell I would have yaked in place and ordered another...but sober..LOL embarrassing

[crown86]

My Naltrexone Journey

You know your an alcoholic when your trashman comments

Had to share this was too funny. I was up at like 6:30am..getting the trash out that I should have put out last night just in the nick of time as the truck was pulling up and I had to give them a check for the service. Living in a rural beach town everyone is super friendly and I have to pay for the trash service - not taken care of thru the county...lol took getting used to after moving from a major metropolitian area. Anyways, I was BS'ing with the trash man and he said to me "whats up buddy no parties anymore?" I said what do you mean? He said "since you been living here for the last year or so everyweek it's the same every week- 3 trash cans full of beer and whisky bottles and I have seen you passed out on your porch in the rocker many times when it was warmer out." He then jokingly said " I was going to ask if I could stop by one night for the party...thought mabye you were running a bar out of here. But it looks like mabye the county shut you down no more bottles and cans. You can tell a lot by a persons trash." He belly laughed and so did I.

[brightlite]

My Naltrexone Journey

Crown,

That is great that the Nal is really working for you. I hope it will work the same for me. Even though I'm sure I don't drink as much as you, I tend to binge on wine and would love to be able to have one or two glasses and call it a night.

Being from N. VA, it makes me wonder what beach you are talking about. You don't have to tell me..... but for years we used to go to Rehoboth....kids loved it, great restaurants....then it got really crowded each year like everyone found out about it. Anyway, I haven't been back in a couple of years. Loved the trashman story...but OMG he thought you were having a party every night??? Sounds like a lot of empties. Happy to hear that things are better now.

[crown86]

My Naltrexone Journey

brightlite

bethany beach...LOL what looked like a party was hell on earth

[eight days a week]

My Naltrexone Journey

So glad to hear you're doing so well my friend

LOVED the trashman story - here they're not quite so friendly, I dread what mine would say (luckily you can't leave glass out here, you have to take it to a special recycling centre!!)

All the best crown, onwards and upwards indeed!

eight

[crown86]

My Naltrexone Journey

8

How you doing these days? Hard to keep up without your progress report...you still on Nal? or a combo now?..hope all is well you

[eight days a week]

My Naltrexone Journey

Still taking Nal my friend, think I always will. Have started Bac, but though it's helping with my anxiety and cutting down on that horrible diazepam, it hasn't done anything for my drinking yet, but still early days at a low dose...

I have a progress thread up on here, but it's full of my usual wittering on, probably quite a difficult read. Oh well!

[crown86]

My Naltrexone Journey

I would usually wait to post this in my weekly progress but I am so excited it feels good to write it out and share it.

Naltrexone WINNER Alcohol LOSER

I am 99% convinced TSM has extinguished hard liquor my former best friend, lover and soul mate who got mad at me and wanted me dead. Like fatal attraction. I have been drinking beer out of habit - 2 or 3 per day with dinner and they weren't tasting so good. This week i was going to see how many days I could go AF and possibly eliminate drinking beer at home and only when I go out with friends. The friend/going out thing is only to be social like no more than 3 which is now easy.

Well I failed. My fiance and I split before the holidays. I am sure everyone knows the back and forth BS of 3.5 year relationship and being engaged and then it doesnt work out. I decided ok it didn't work, move on..LOL Acceptance is a beatiful thing. I got caught up yesterday in the back and forth e-mail thing. Man that damn old famliar pain. What does a drunk do with pain, we drown it, numb it, and black-it-out.

In the last 3 weeks my life has changed in miracle proportions. EVERYTHING for the most part is going well but the best thing of it all is I have peice of mind again. Life isn't rosy grand but managable, copeable without booze and actually fun and challenging again. That pain last night sent me running to what I know - the bottle. Funny how drunks think - I am no fool I damn well know not getting wasted is the reason things are good, but nevertheless I DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN. I even rationally thought it all out - meaning things are soo good you wanna fuck-it up? DIDN'T CARE. I had a bunch of things I needed to do today for work and a morning meeting - DIDN'T CARE. I said to myself it's not the first time you had to function with a hang-over, you have done it a million times.

At 5:30pm I took my naltrexone, loaded my dog in the car and off to the liquor store. Here is where the miracles come in. First I have 2 full half gallons of whiskey - lol actually in my liquor cabinet so technically I did not have to go anywhere, but that was NOT an option which is miracle number 1. Miracle number 2 was I actually had zero beer in the house. Miracle number 3. I was turning to beer? uh? what?. Miracle number 4. I only bought a 12 pack. In the past I would NEVER buy a 12 pack..christ to me that is like the sampler tray they bring you at the micro-brewerys. A situation like this pain would call for a 30 pack..22+ would fix the pain.

Man I was going to get wasted. I figured Naltrexone oblitrerated my tolerance so 12 should do it and if not I had whiskey for a back-up so what if I puke, it not the first time vomiting. I was bound and determined to get banged up and blacked-out drunk.

Miracle number 5 and the BIGGEST - I got home by 6:30pm had to stop at some other places. Made dinner had a coke. Decided to start drinking after dinner. At 7pm poped my first beer and broke out my guitar ( which I had barley been playing when drinking hard - xm radio was easier and I didn't want to get too drunk and step or fall on my martin). After about 10 songs i noticed I barley touched my beer so I finished it...warm. It was 9pm now. Got another beer and kept playing. Barley touched that beer - finshed it about 11pm or should say dumped half out because it was warm. During the second beer I actually got up and got a coke and pounded the oh so cold coca cola. THIS WAS EFFORTLESS AND SUBCONCIOUS. I had every intention to get wasted.

Playing guitar was not meant to take my mind off the urge. I don't fight the urge with TSM. The guitar was meant to add to my drunken experience. Give me a sad mood from the break-up, a guitar ( a know a bizzilion tunes) some sad country or rock tunes, some booze and I good to go all night.

Needless to say I got up at 5:30am clear as the day is long pounded my work out had my meeting and am now blowing the rest of the day off and hitting the beach with my dog for some frisbee and GOD DAMN I feel good. When I got up I was like a kid on Christmas Morning seeing those 10 lonely soldiers in the refrigirator untouched and said out loud " hell yeah baby thank-you god".

I know for me - I am NOT KNOCKING AA THIS IS ME AND ONLY ME - if I was in AA or an abstienence based program I would have been WASTED last night with the cycle and hellish circle begining again. TSM squashed it. The reason I know AA would never work for me is my beleif system. AA has the principal you can't or shouldn't do it on your own - it almost never works. I was raised by a single mother who got no child support, and had a sister. When my mother left my father she had $1,000 no driver's liscence, no where to stay, her family wouldn't help her and was completely on her own. Long story short she went to work learned how to drive in 2 years bought a house put me and my sister in private school and eventually paid in full for college for both of us. We werent rich by any means, but my sister and I never knew things were tough or a financial hardship was occuring.

From my up bringing it has been cemented in me anything you want is possible but you have to do it yourself. No one is going to help you. At the end of the day when you lay your head down it's you and you alone - nobody gives a damn. Cept mabye a few close friends and family. As an adult, I have always been self suffcient - meaning I have never leaned on woman for wash, cooking cleaning etc..all me. Finances all me. In business I have done things and been successful many times were I had a long list of people telling me that will never work. I did it anyway..some worked some didn't..but my attitude was win lose or draw..it's up to me it's my life. My way or the highway...LOL Probably why I am still single at 42...but whatever as long as I am realtively satisfied and content it's all I can ask for.

The book a Cure for Alcoholism mentions TSM is a great treatment method for chronic relapsers - I couldn't agree more.

Sorry for rambling...beach time with roscoe my german shepherd.

[eight days a week]

My Naltrexone Journey

My dear friend I feel the best post I can make is just to to say how incredibly happy I am at the way things have been going and to give you my very biggest

[gettingthere]

My Naltrexone Journey

Crown,

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! :happy: I am sooooo happy for you!!! I can't WAIT to get this monkey off my back. Your story inspires me to keep going. Thank you Sinclair!:clapclap:

[Chocolate Mousse]

My Naltrexone Journey

Great news :goodjob: Always really good to hear news like that! It gives us all hope here,which is what we need. We want to follow in your footsteps:l

[brightlite]

My Naltrexone Journey

Crown,

What an inspiration! I'm sure you are giving many hope. I'm also from the same school of hard knocks, so I can relate to your thinking. Parents died when I was 1, raised by Aunt and Uncle....then just Aunt. Left after I graduated High School, never asked anyone for any money or went back home to live. Never had anyone to bail me out of anything. I've always worked, got married, had two wonderful kids, got divorced, been through hell the last couple years in real estate....what can I say. You are right, nobody gives you a handout and at the end of the day, it IS all up to you. It's been very stressful as the kids have always come to me for all their needs. I don't know if it is pride, or the rebel in me that just can't ask anyone for help.

Glad you had a great day! Enjoy those special "sober" times, smell the salt air, play with your dog....it's all good!