I have been posting on the sinclaire forum but also decided to post my journey on naltrexone here. I did this because I love reading the posts here and the way everyone here has such an open mind in regards to alcoholism. Also i found out about TSM here from a person who sent me a PM about this treatment and drug. Funny at first I thought it was an infomercial and I was pissed like damn asshole trying to profit off the suffering...LOL. In the end I will probably owe that person my life.
I have never kept track of my drinking at all - Never. Since starting TSM I have began a log starting the end of the first week. I am posting it here for 2 reasons. First it helps getting all this in writting and two if it helps another person get out of the hell that alcohol brings it would make me feel great. I kind of feel like i owe the person who sent me the pm so I figured the best pay back would be to help someone else.
I hope I dont bore you folks.
My pre-TSM alchol intake was somewhere around 60-80 drinks a week. Hard to calculate because i am a binge drinker.
Week 2 Sunday to Saturday ending Dec 5th, 2009
Sunday – tax bill increase mortgage missing fianc? bad triggers. Had 11 drinks.
Monday – Wanted to drink epic and just pass out and black-out had 4 drinks 2 whiskey’s 2 beers. Couldn’t keep going didn’t try to stop just zero desire to continue drinking. Very strange. No bad hangover from the night before.
Tuesday – Went to happy hour ran into 3 friends stayed AF had no desire to drink ate some food went home. Wanted to stay for socialization but zero desire to drink. Usually would be worried about driving home and would have stayed till all friends left and been drinking. Noticed food tasted better than ever.
Wednesday – spoke with the fianc? after work had an argument. Usually a huge trigger was pissed wanted to drink. Figured get home pop the Nal and go at it. By the time I got home, 20 minutes later, didn’t feel like drinking. AF. Again food tasted out of the unusually good.
The argument was kind of over my goals with TSM. I am using the US health recommendations for alcohol intake 2 per day 14 a week no more than 4 in a setting for a benchmark. My girl was like so your going to drink 2 whiskey’s a night? I said yes if I want that’s healthy, and the argument escalated from there. Can I blame her ? Not really my drinking and especially when I drink Crown royal – which is straight out of the bottle on the rocks – I become a monster filled with all kinds of crazy behavior. I said to her I am going where the pill takes me period. Supposedly we are done so I have no one to tell me how it’s going to be. I do what I want. I also said to her I am hoping to be in a place in my mind where alcohol doesn’t matter. She said to me (she doesn’t really drink) well I don’t “plan” to have 2 glasses of wine per night. Then it hit me like a bolt of lighting – If alcohol doesn’t matter, if I can take it or leave it, then why I am I arguing that if I want 2 whiskey on the rocks every night it’s ok? LOL I have a ways to go. Right now I am simply grateful for the fact I have not had a 20 drink night and the occasion in the last week was DEFINITLY there and I have not passed-out and blacked-out.
Thursday – AF baby with really no desire to drink..small but I think is because of being new to TSM and have it in my mind the more you drink the more your cured. Sticking with my plan of not drinking during small cravings only the big ones. What I mean is I am far from “white Knuckle” If I really want to drink I do. Hardest part I think I am adjusting to mentally is not being abstinent. What I mean by this is having family members in AA and after being in AA in my youth its kind of engrained in me that abstinence is the only way. Bullshit now it’s 2009 and there is medication. If it works for smoking cessation why not drinking?. I love TSM. I can’t stress how much of a difference knowing I can drink and its ok to drink is making a difference. MAJOR attitude difference than when I quit cold turkey. No more dumping all the booze out of the house. I love knowing there is beer in my refrig and whiskey on my counter but I have no major desire to drink it all in a night. No more fear of the beast. Going to make the beast my bitch. Mabey even one day the whiskey will make it to the liquor cabinet and not the kitchen counter.
Friday – AF yet again..LOL amazing…small desire to drink but not major…felt like having mabey 3 beers and said to hell with it. Fiance came over and we had awesome sex. LOL sex sober is more fun…LOL you can remember it. Got a lot done around the house as far as organization things that have been bugging me for a while. The desire to have a few beer came after sex and it was already midnight so didn’t want to wait till 1am to have a few. Just watched tv and hit the hay. I love knowing I could have drank if I really wanted to. I think the wait 1 hour is also going to help big time in stopping the reckless abandonment of fuck it and drinking on the spur of the moment..
Saturday - Helped the fianc? do some things around her house. I felt like drinking so I did. Kind of habit of doing some chores and having beers while doing it. Usually this would have me lubed up and primed up for Saturday night. I had committed to my sister to baby sit for the night. I wish I could say honestly this keeps me sober but it never has. I usually wait till the kids go to bed and bang raid her fully stocked liquor cabinet and pass out when she gets home. While helping the fianc? I had two beers which usually would minimum of a six pack and then while baby sitting from 4pm till 1 am I had six beers and two rum and cokes. The rum and coke was because I felt a desire just to see how the naltrexone was working. Meaning when I drink hard liquor I usually get this “bang” and since the naltrexone I have not felt it. I know from what I have read I am probably still in the honeymoon period but I have also read almost every post on the sinclaire forum (thanks everyone for posting) and it seems like that Bang doesn’t come back even after the honeymoon. I pray it doesn’t. So 10 drinks from 2pm till 1 am for me a miracle and barley had a buzz. More than I would like but I am still very very happy with this.Yeah and no hangover.
Total for the week 25 drinks and 4 AF days.
Summary – I feel AWSOME mentally and physically and so fucking positive. I feel WAY more hopeful than when I went cold turkey. I no longer fear alcohol. I don’t know how long it will take nor I am even concerned with the length of time I just know in my heart at some point I will be in full control of the beast. Somehow knowing if I want to drink I can makes it easier not to drink. When I have drank in the last two weeks with some MAJOR trigger I never had 20+ so for that I am on my hands and knees greatful.
I have never kept track of my drinking at all - Never. Since starting TSM I have began a log starting the end of the first week. I am posting it here for 2 reasons. First it helps getting all this in writting and two if it helps another person get out of the hell that alcohol brings it would make me feel great. I kind of feel like i owe the person who sent me the pm so I figured the best pay back would be to help someone else.
I hope I dont bore you folks.
My pre-TSM alchol intake was somewhere around 60-80 drinks a week. Hard to calculate because i am a binge drinker.
Week 2 Sunday to Saturday ending Dec 5th, 2009
Sunday – tax bill increase mortgage missing fianc? bad triggers. Had 11 drinks.
Monday – Wanted to drink epic and just pass out and black-out had 4 drinks 2 whiskey’s 2 beers. Couldn’t keep going didn’t try to stop just zero desire to continue drinking. Very strange. No bad hangover from the night before.
Tuesday – Went to happy hour ran into 3 friends stayed AF had no desire to drink ate some food went home. Wanted to stay for socialization but zero desire to drink. Usually would be worried about driving home and would have stayed till all friends left and been drinking. Noticed food tasted better than ever.
Wednesday – spoke with the fianc? after work had an argument. Usually a huge trigger was pissed wanted to drink. Figured get home pop the Nal and go at it. By the time I got home, 20 minutes later, didn’t feel like drinking. AF. Again food tasted out of the unusually good.
The argument was kind of over my goals with TSM. I am using the US health recommendations for alcohol intake 2 per day 14 a week no more than 4 in a setting for a benchmark. My girl was like so your going to drink 2 whiskey’s a night? I said yes if I want that’s healthy, and the argument escalated from there. Can I blame her ? Not really my drinking and especially when I drink Crown royal – which is straight out of the bottle on the rocks – I become a monster filled with all kinds of crazy behavior. I said to her I am going where the pill takes me period. Supposedly we are done so I have no one to tell me how it’s going to be. I do what I want. I also said to her I am hoping to be in a place in my mind where alcohol doesn’t matter. She said to me (she doesn’t really drink) well I don’t “plan” to have 2 glasses of wine per night. Then it hit me like a bolt of lighting – If alcohol doesn’t matter, if I can take it or leave it, then why I am I arguing that if I want 2 whiskey on the rocks every night it’s ok? LOL I have a ways to go. Right now I am simply grateful for the fact I have not had a 20 drink night and the occasion in the last week was DEFINITLY there and I have not passed-out and blacked-out.
Thursday – AF baby with really no desire to drink..small but I think is because of being new to TSM and have it in my mind the more you drink the more your cured. Sticking with my plan of not drinking during small cravings only the big ones. What I mean is I am far from “white Knuckle” If I really want to drink I do. Hardest part I think I am adjusting to mentally is not being abstinent. What I mean by this is having family members in AA and after being in AA in my youth its kind of engrained in me that abstinence is the only way. Bullshit now it’s 2009 and there is medication. If it works for smoking cessation why not drinking?. I love TSM. I can’t stress how much of a difference knowing I can drink and its ok to drink is making a difference. MAJOR attitude difference than when I quit cold turkey. No more dumping all the booze out of the house. I love knowing there is beer in my refrig and whiskey on my counter but I have no major desire to drink it all in a night. No more fear of the beast. Going to make the beast my bitch. Mabey even one day the whiskey will make it to the liquor cabinet and not the kitchen counter.
Friday – AF yet again..LOL amazing…small desire to drink but not major…felt like having mabey 3 beers and said to hell with it. Fiance came over and we had awesome sex. LOL sex sober is more fun…LOL you can remember it. Got a lot done around the house as far as organization things that have been bugging me for a while. The desire to have a few beer came after sex and it was already midnight so didn’t want to wait till 1am to have a few. Just watched tv and hit the hay. I love knowing I could have drank if I really wanted to. I think the wait 1 hour is also going to help big time in stopping the reckless abandonment of fuck it and drinking on the spur of the moment..
Saturday - Helped the fianc? do some things around her house. I felt like drinking so I did. Kind of habit of doing some chores and having beers while doing it. Usually this would have me lubed up and primed up for Saturday night. I had committed to my sister to baby sit for the night. I wish I could say honestly this keeps me sober but it never has. I usually wait till the kids go to bed and bang raid her fully stocked liquor cabinet and pass out when she gets home. While helping the fianc? I had two beers which usually would minimum of a six pack and then while baby sitting from 4pm till 1 am I had six beers and two rum and cokes. The rum and coke was because I felt a desire just to see how the naltrexone was working. Meaning when I drink hard liquor I usually get this “bang” and since the naltrexone I have not felt it. I know from what I have read I am probably still in the honeymoon period but I have also read almost every post on the sinclaire forum (thanks everyone for posting) and it seems like that Bang doesn’t come back even after the honeymoon. I pray it doesn’t. So 10 drinks from 2pm till 1 am for me a miracle and barley had a buzz. More than I would like but I am still very very happy with this.Yeah and no hangover.
Total for the week 25 drinks and 4 AF days.
Summary – I feel AWSOME mentally and physically and so fucking positive. I feel WAY more hopeful than when I went cold turkey. I no longer fear alcohol. I don’t know how long it will take nor I am even concerned with the length of time I just know in my heart at some point I will be in full control of the beast. Somehow knowing if I want to drink I can makes it easier not to drink. When I have drank in the last two weeks with some MAJOR trigger I never had 20+ so for that I am on my hands and knees greatful.
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