Hi guys,
I hope your recovery is making a great progress whatever way you have chosen to fight this terrible disease and I?m glad for those of you who continue to see great benefits following the Sinclair Method, Topamax or other medications. After being away for almost two years I decided to come back to this forum to share my experiences with you. I tried many medications as well as followed Sinclair method by the book but today as a grateful recovering alcoholic who received and keep receiving so much help from others, I felt it?s my duty to share with you all the highs and lows I went trough. I hope what I?m going to write may help to some of you who are still confused and struggling to find the way out. I?ve been an alcoholic for over ten years and in the last couple years my life became unmanageable as I tried everything to control, stop or cure my drinking obsession. Today, I can say that first time in my adult life I haven?t had a drink for more than four months, something that I never thought would be possible for me. But that?s not everything, I feel like I became a new person and I love my life like more than ever before.
Here is my story:
Four years ago I broke up with a person I loved. I was surprised how hard that hit me and I felt into a deep depression, which resulted in an extreme alcohol abuse, that so many of us know so well. I got myself completely isolated from the society and friends and that made me feel very lonely and self-focused. I drunk alone and I drunk every night until I blacked out. This went on for about half a year and even if I knew that I was a problem drinker, now I knew that I?m actually an alcoholic. I was in big of pain and I just cried most of the time.
I?m an artist, that?s how I make my living and I always used this as an excuse for my drinking or when I felt too emotional and got hurt too easily. But when I realised that I?m an alcoholic, I still thought that I?m just week and lucking the willpower to stop. Once knowing that I can?t stop drinking the only thing there was AA. So I looked up a meeting near me. Anyone of you, who went to AA know how it feels to step trough its doors. All those people of all ages and all parts of the society, people with whom you would never mix are sitting there drinking their shit cup of tea, joking, laughing and all you can think of is ?what the hell am I doing here? They talked about this God thing and that 12 step program and you think, there is no bloody way that you will become religious and sit here with these guys talking shit for the rest of your life. But let?s not forget that I was in big trouble, drunk every single night for almost six months and was hopelessly loosing everything what I had as a result of that. So I stayed for at least couple more days. I thought, while I?m there it?s still helping me to stay away from drinks and that was already something. I was thirty-two year old who travelled the world and probably had more life experience than those guys all together, I thought. I was full of myself, I deserved a better solution and I thought that AA is just for losers and prisoners like them. I appreciated that they were very welcoming but seeing that I had no drink for a week I thought my condition can?t be that bad. But as I still couldn?t really stop drinking I found the My Way Out forum on the Internet and red about the various medications that people were taking with great success. Most of these pills let them even continue or actually told them to keep drinking. Wow, I thought, that sounds something I could definitely do. I?m going to be a social drinker! It?s dream every alcoholic has, that one day we will drink like the others, get pissed once in a while but without any the consequences. So, first I tried a medication called Topamax, which had the best ?reviews? and it didn?t disappoint. It did come with some scary side effects, like my coke tasted like a sweet water mixed with aluminium and my libido was like that of a eighty years old. But most importantly I could truly hardly finish the pint or glass of wine in front of me.
I right away stopped going to AA and wished good luck for those still sitting there, talking shit. There I was with a solution that fitted me. Suddenly my depression was gone too. Not being drunk every night meant no headaches every morning. I had a new best friend called Topamax and a lot of zest for life. Getting my good mood back I right away found plenty of new friends and girlfriends. I moved to a new part of the city where everybody seemed to be cool and everybody partied 24/7. My focus switched from the obsession of drinking to an obsession to just drink and sleep with as many girls as possible. All I had to have is enough money to buy the pills, pay my rent and have my fridge full of booze. Which is quite a lot, but I didn?t care as long as I was having good time. I still got drunk regularly but I felt I can handle it and I didn?t have to drink myself to blackouts every night. Couple months later though I started to notice that as the time goes by I drink more and more again but I was sure it was because of the warm summer or it wasn?t me, it was the girl or the guys who were making me too drunk.
But quite suddenly the honeymoon was over and my drinking was getting out of hand. I tried to increase my Topamax dosage to regain some control and soon I was on a dosage that was the double of the recommended amount. That meant a lot more money too, which altogether meant a pretty gloomy outlook to the future. It took me around six months again from the start to realise that I?m back to what I was drinking before the pills. But since there was still a big party like twice a week in my house, I didn?t care about the warning signs and looked at it simple as my chosen lifestyle. Soon after I had to stop taking the pills, as I couldn?t afford them anymore and they were not making any difference anyways. The side effect of quitting Topamax was a serious pain in my knees and for couple weeks I could hardly walk. I was drunk everyday again and most of the time I couldn?t remember what happened the previous night. Also my business was in big trouble but I still managed to stay positive.
Then I met a girl that I started to like much more then the rest I was sleeping with. She brought some kindness and love into my life and we spent lot of time together. She was beautiful, sweet and we had a lot in common. But it just felt wrong that she doesn?t drink that much and I?m drunk almost every night. So my desire to be able to control my drinking was back and I thought there must be a better pill than the last one, a pill with a lasting effect. I was nice with my new girlfriend and I thought I just needed to fix my drinking and everything will be perfect. This was at the end of 2008 when I found some information about the Sinclair Method. I ordered the book, stick the graphs next to my bed and followed everything written in the book. I was told to keep drinking, no single line in the book said that I should at least try to reduce and I was told to wait and see how it all gets better. I recorded the units I was drinking everyday (see the summary at the end of my story) and clearly soon I felt that there was something encouraging happening. My drinking sessions got a bit more relaxed, not too much but enough to think that the pills started to work. Eventually my girlfriend moved in and we fell in love. The Naltrexone didn?t even had side effects like the Topamax. I was proudly showing my notes to my girlfriend and she believed me that I?m on the right track. Months were passing by and I thought everything is just fine. We kept drinking and partying but I wasn?t worried because Mr. Sinclair promised in the book that my drinking habits would eventually change. My business still struggled as I was still trying to keep the fridge full, the pills keep coming from India. Then the summer came, and now it was over six months that I was following the Sinclair Method. By this time I was meant to see some great reduction in the units I was recording but the numbers looked pretty shit. If I remember well the book was talking about a 10 or 20 percent who didn?t recover using the Sinclair?s method and it looked like I belong to this minority. I got scared because I had no plan B. I didn?t drink less and there was a good chance that I will only drink more again. So, those days I got easily irritated, I was frustrated and on the top of that, I really struggled to keep up with my bills. My girlfriend suffered a lot too, I remember her crying when she saw me continuing the careless drinking and I saw her loosing her trust in me. That freaked me out even more, and the things just got worse as we often argued. I blamed her for being difficult and not giving me enough support which was not true and she was accusing me of dishonesty and mistreats, which was true. All the things about previous cheating issues that she brought up again gave me a reason to fight with her and one night I throw her stuff out making this beautiful innocent person ended up on a street. That was a nightmare and I felt so ashamed. She could never forgive me that night and I lost all the respect she had for me. There I was and still didn?t learn anything. Like that break up couple years ago and the hell that followed never happened. What was going to happen next was clearly pretty much the same as that story from 2007 but with one difference that this time it was going to get ten times worse. I rapidly fell back into a severe depression, I begged, I cried and I drunk more than ever before. I had to face again the unbearable isolation, the pain and the despair. There was no question, I couldn?t stop drinking. Topamax failed, the Sinclair Method failed and there was no point to try to find new pills. My business was falling apart, bills were accumulating and all what left were the bottles and the cans around me. The next five moths was the worst time in my life and I wouldn?t wish anyone to feel how I felt. I was always alone and my drinking got to a level that I never thought it could get. I was drinking without barriers, in pain and self-pity, day and night. I was taking 4-5 baths a day, just to try to calm down a bit and then I cried sick and exhausted in my bed. During nights I was drinking myself into blackouts, feeling that I should just shoot myself. Nobody would know about any of this as I tried real hard to hide my misery. My mind was exploding, I felt so hurt, so sorry for myself and thought that there is nothing and nobody that could help me. Some days I would get up and try to fight back, try to quit, try to reduce, swop for a different drug or different drink, but nothing worked, my hell was just day by day becoming uglier and I couldn?t face the real life anymore. I got to the point that one night I tried to commit a suicide. I lined up the pills on my desk but I blacked out before I could finish them. I woke up twenty-four hours later looking at the ceiling and thinking ?what?s going to happen next? I admitted that I was absolutely powerless over the alcohol and my life became unmanageable. Just so you know, that?s the first step in the twelve-step program of AA. I couldn?t help myself if I was left on my own devises and someone would have to help me if I still wanted to live. I had only two options left - The treatment centre where they lock you up for a year or so or to go back to AA. It was Christmas time last year. All I remember from the last weeks of my drinking that it was not just the most exhausting emotional ordeal you can imagine but also an unbearable physical pain completed with a disgust towards anything and everything in me and around me. I flew back from London where I live to see my parents for Christmas, drunk on the plane, on the buses, on the toilets, basically everywhere. I was sitting in the dark in my childhood room with a bottle in my hand. I was crying until I passed out. I didn?t tell anyone about my feelings or my problems but I was shaking of hangovers and my face had depression painted all over it. The New Years of 2010 was the night when I knew it has to be the last one and to be honest I don?t even remember that last drink most recovering alcoholics remember. It was just a night like so many other nights before.
Continue...
I hope your recovery is making a great progress whatever way you have chosen to fight this terrible disease and I?m glad for those of you who continue to see great benefits following the Sinclair Method, Topamax or other medications. After being away for almost two years I decided to come back to this forum to share my experiences with you. I tried many medications as well as followed Sinclair method by the book but today as a grateful recovering alcoholic who received and keep receiving so much help from others, I felt it?s my duty to share with you all the highs and lows I went trough. I hope what I?m going to write may help to some of you who are still confused and struggling to find the way out. I?ve been an alcoholic for over ten years and in the last couple years my life became unmanageable as I tried everything to control, stop or cure my drinking obsession. Today, I can say that first time in my adult life I haven?t had a drink for more than four months, something that I never thought would be possible for me. But that?s not everything, I feel like I became a new person and I love my life like more than ever before.
Here is my story:
Four years ago I broke up with a person I loved. I was surprised how hard that hit me and I felt into a deep depression, which resulted in an extreme alcohol abuse, that so many of us know so well. I got myself completely isolated from the society and friends and that made me feel very lonely and self-focused. I drunk alone and I drunk every night until I blacked out. This went on for about half a year and even if I knew that I was a problem drinker, now I knew that I?m actually an alcoholic. I was in big of pain and I just cried most of the time.
I?m an artist, that?s how I make my living and I always used this as an excuse for my drinking or when I felt too emotional and got hurt too easily. But when I realised that I?m an alcoholic, I still thought that I?m just week and lucking the willpower to stop. Once knowing that I can?t stop drinking the only thing there was AA. So I looked up a meeting near me. Anyone of you, who went to AA know how it feels to step trough its doors. All those people of all ages and all parts of the society, people with whom you would never mix are sitting there drinking their shit cup of tea, joking, laughing and all you can think of is ?what the hell am I doing here? They talked about this God thing and that 12 step program and you think, there is no bloody way that you will become religious and sit here with these guys talking shit for the rest of your life. But let?s not forget that I was in big trouble, drunk every single night for almost six months and was hopelessly loosing everything what I had as a result of that. So I stayed for at least couple more days. I thought, while I?m there it?s still helping me to stay away from drinks and that was already something. I was thirty-two year old who travelled the world and probably had more life experience than those guys all together, I thought. I was full of myself, I deserved a better solution and I thought that AA is just for losers and prisoners like them. I appreciated that they were very welcoming but seeing that I had no drink for a week I thought my condition can?t be that bad. But as I still couldn?t really stop drinking I found the My Way Out forum on the Internet and red about the various medications that people were taking with great success. Most of these pills let them even continue or actually told them to keep drinking. Wow, I thought, that sounds something I could definitely do. I?m going to be a social drinker! It?s dream every alcoholic has, that one day we will drink like the others, get pissed once in a while but without any the consequences. So, first I tried a medication called Topamax, which had the best ?reviews? and it didn?t disappoint. It did come with some scary side effects, like my coke tasted like a sweet water mixed with aluminium and my libido was like that of a eighty years old. But most importantly I could truly hardly finish the pint or glass of wine in front of me.
I right away stopped going to AA and wished good luck for those still sitting there, talking shit. There I was with a solution that fitted me. Suddenly my depression was gone too. Not being drunk every night meant no headaches every morning. I had a new best friend called Topamax and a lot of zest for life. Getting my good mood back I right away found plenty of new friends and girlfriends. I moved to a new part of the city where everybody seemed to be cool and everybody partied 24/7. My focus switched from the obsession of drinking to an obsession to just drink and sleep with as many girls as possible. All I had to have is enough money to buy the pills, pay my rent and have my fridge full of booze. Which is quite a lot, but I didn?t care as long as I was having good time. I still got drunk regularly but I felt I can handle it and I didn?t have to drink myself to blackouts every night. Couple months later though I started to notice that as the time goes by I drink more and more again but I was sure it was because of the warm summer or it wasn?t me, it was the girl or the guys who were making me too drunk.
But quite suddenly the honeymoon was over and my drinking was getting out of hand. I tried to increase my Topamax dosage to regain some control and soon I was on a dosage that was the double of the recommended amount. That meant a lot more money too, which altogether meant a pretty gloomy outlook to the future. It took me around six months again from the start to realise that I?m back to what I was drinking before the pills. But since there was still a big party like twice a week in my house, I didn?t care about the warning signs and looked at it simple as my chosen lifestyle. Soon after I had to stop taking the pills, as I couldn?t afford them anymore and they were not making any difference anyways. The side effect of quitting Topamax was a serious pain in my knees and for couple weeks I could hardly walk. I was drunk everyday again and most of the time I couldn?t remember what happened the previous night. Also my business was in big trouble but I still managed to stay positive.
Then I met a girl that I started to like much more then the rest I was sleeping with. She brought some kindness and love into my life and we spent lot of time together. She was beautiful, sweet and we had a lot in common. But it just felt wrong that she doesn?t drink that much and I?m drunk almost every night. So my desire to be able to control my drinking was back and I thought there must be a better pill than the last one, a pill with a lasting effect. I was nice with my new girlfriend and I thought I just needed to fix my drinking and everything will be perfect. This was at the end of 2008 when I found some information about the Sinclair Method. I ordered the book, stick the graphs next to my bed and followed everything written in the book. I was told to keep drinking, no single line in the book said that I should at least try to reduce and I was told to wait and see how it all gets better. I recorded the units I was drinking everyday (see the summary at the end of my story) and clearly soon I felt that there was something encouraging happening. My drinking sessions got a bit more relaxed, not too much but enough to think that the pills started to work. Eventually my girlfriend moved in and we fell in love. The Naltrexone didn?t even had side effects like the Topamax. I was proudly showing my notes to my girlfriend and she believed me that I?m on the right track. Months were passing by and I thought everything is just fine. We kept drinking and partying but I wasn?t worried because Mr. Sinclair promised in the book that my drinking habits would eventually change. My business still struggled as I was still trying to keep the fridge full, the pills keep coming from India. Then the summer came, and now it was over six months that I was following the Sinclair Method. By this time I was meant to see some great reduction in the units I was recording but the numbers looked pretty shit. If I remember well the book was talking about a 10 or 20 percent who didn?t recover using the Sinclair?s method and it looked like I belong to this minority. I got scared because I had no plan B. I didn?t drink less and there was a good chance that I will only drink more again. So, those days I got easily irritated, I was frustrated and on the top of that, I really struggled to keep up with my bills. My girlfriend suffered a lot too, I remember her crying when she saw me continuing the careless drinking and I saw her loosing her trust in me. That freaked me out even more, and the things just got worse as we often argued. I blamed her for being difficult and not giving me enough support which was not true and she was accusing me of dishonesty and mistreats, which was true. All the things about previous cheating issues that she brought up again gave me a reason to fight with her and one night I throw her stuff out making this beautiful innocent person ended up on a street. That was a nightmare and I felt so ashamed. She could never forgive me that night and I lost all the respect she had for me. There I was and still didn?t learn anything. Like that break up couple years ago and the hell that followed never happened. What was going to happen next was clearly pretty much the same as that story from 2007 but with one difference that this time it was going to get ten times worse. I rapidly fell back into a severe depression, I begged, I cried and I drunk more than ever before. I had to face again the unbearable isolation, the pain and the despair. There was no question, I couldn?t stop drinking. Topamax failed, the Sinclair Method failed and there was no point to try to find new pills. My business was falling apart, bills were accumulating and all what left were the bottles and the cans around me. The next five moths was the worst time in my life and I wouldn?t wish anyone to feel how I felt. I was always alone and my drinking got to a level that I never thought it could get. I was drinking without barriers, in pain and self-pity, day and night. I was taking 4-5 baths a day, just to try to calm down a bit and then I cried sick and exhausted in my bed. During nights I was drinking myself into blackouts, feeling that I should just shoot myself. Nobody would know about any of this as I tried real hard to hide my misery. My mind was exploding, I felt so hurt, so sorry for myself and thought that there is nothing and nobody that could help me. Some days I would get up and try to fight back, try to quit, try to reduce, swop for a different drug or different drink, but nothing worked, my hell was just day by day becoming uglier and I couldn?t face the real life anymore. I got to the point that one night I tried to commit a suicide. I lined up the pills on my desk but I blacked out before I could finish them. I woke up twenty-four hours later looking at the ceiling and thinking ?what?s going to happen next? I admitted that I was absolutely powerless over the alcohol and my life became unmanageable. Just so you know, that?s the first step in the twelve-step program of AA. I couldn?t help myself if I was left on my own devises and someone would have to help me if I still wanted to live. I had only two options left - The treatment centre where they lock you up for a year or so or to go back to AA. It was Christmas time last year. All I remember from the last weeks of my drinking that it was not just the most exhausting emotional ordeal you can imagine but also an unbearable physical pain completed with a disgust towards anything and everything in me and around me. I flew back from London where I live to see my parents for Christmas, drunk on the plane, on the buses, on the toilets, basically everywhere. I was sitting in the dark in my childhood room with a bottle in my hand. I was crying until I passed out. I didn?t tell anyone about my feelings or my problems but I was shaking of hangovers and my face had depression painted all over it. The New Years of 2010 was the night when I knew it has to be the last one and to be honest I don?t even remember that last drink most recovering alcoholics remember. It was just a night like so many other nights before.
Continue...
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