My story - Four years struggle with alcoholism - Part II

[Adrian]

....The next evening I called AA and the following day I went to a meeting. I sat on the very back of the room with no thoughts in my head and only one hope that something will happen now that will save my life. There I was, an alcoholic who reached the end of the tunnel. This was how much it takes to throw your ego and the shame to the bin and step through the doors of AA. They gave me a cup of tea and let me alone. Then I went back the following night and the night after. The guy who was leading the meeting said, listen to the similarities not the differences but it was all too obvious that there are too many similarities and not so many differences. I was holding my teacup but this time I was listening because this time I knew I have nowhere else to go. Some people talked too often about God again and some people were getting on my nerves. At the end my case was still different and they knew shit about how great the things used to be and how deep I got hurt later. But as I kept sober for around a week I started hear sentences that I never heard before and I started to get answers on things that I couldn?t understand. I had to realise very soon that these people didn?t just quit drinking but something bigger was happening to them and there are not there to escape the problem but to face it. They were there to learn how to live a happy and fulfilling life again, something we forgot long time ago. First thing that hit me hard and explained a lot about why no medication, no chemical fix could help me was that apparently I have a defect in my character and it?s not the alcohol that is the problem but it?s this defect that needs to be treated. In some way it all sounded too obvious of course but these people were working on themselves and as a result most of them didn?t even had cravings. Now it wouldn?t come to me in my wildest dreams that couple weeks later I will have no cravings neither. How on earth is that possible that someone like me will not even think of alcohol? But I was told to be careful, that this still doesn?t guarantee that I won?t drink again. In each meeting there was something I have learned and kept repeating it in my head all the way home. In those rooms there was something in the air that made me looking at myself differently and I felt that I?m changing, not only my drinking habits are changing. I had no clue what?s going on but I loved it. I walked on the street and I had a smile on my face. I had no smile on my face since summer the year before, except a few meetings when I met with my ex but even then I was just pretending the smile. I was lying in my bed and I think for the first time in my life I really loved myself and I loved that I?m doing this good to myself. I just smiled and thought, I?m not going to die and I just knew that everything is going to be fine. Slowly I started to get back to work, I called my banks to arrange repayment plans and my commissioners must have felt something too because I suddenly got job offers and actually the money was flowing into my account. It?s like something out there was trying to make sure that I?ll be rewarded for not drinking. It was unbelievable, how much goodness was happening to me after so long time of nothing but darkness. I was again chatting with people, in AA and outside of AA. I was making appointments, met friends that I haven?t seen for ages and started a new body of personal work. There was no AA meeting without hearing something that wouldn?t blow my mind out. I learned that I have a mental obsession and a physical disease that can?t be treated the way other things can be and I can?t ever drink safely again. Next meeting I looked at those Steps though and there were so many things I just, uhhhh, didn?t see how I could do. But then someone told me not to worry ?first things first, you?ll do those later, just keep coming back, they said. I took up a tea commitment in one of the meetings, which meant that I would need to find an excuse if I don?t go there on Thursdays. It was a good idea, because there were still days that I felt empty and lost. The Big Book calls this ? Spiritual malady and it?s nothing new between recovering alcoholics. First thing you learn in AA is to be honest to yourself, so I couldn?t just make up a story when I didn?t feel like to leave my house. So I went to AA even when my alcoholic mind would have suggested something different and once I walked trough the door, I never regretted it. The other guys were always interested about how I feel. I know they were because I was interested about their feelings too. There is this amazing thing that connects people in AA, because they know that without each other they would be still drinking. Suddenly I knew everyone by names and besides the meeting we went out to do a lot of others things together and they just became my completely normal new good friends. But most importantly, it all felt really good. For some reason I still couldn?t share my feelings during the meetings but nobody told me that I have to. Alcoholism is a mental condition and if you don?t do a series of actions that helps to treat this obsession, it will always find its way to fight back. No matter how long you haven?t been drinking. An alcoholic must not forget this. Only one drink would put me back where I was probably in a much shorter time than I think. At the end of my second month of being sober, I found my sponsor who didn?t have a drink for the last fifteen years. He?s been in prison before, got divorced and the usual alcoholic stuff. But now he had a better life than he ever wished for. He was kind, relaxed and thoughtful. He said that he would be happy to help me. Nobody could help me before. Nobody ever offered his help but actually I never really asked anybody because I couldn?t imagine my life without a drink. But this was AA, my phone was full of new numbers and I could call any of those numbers any moment of the day and they would come over from the other side of town if I needed their help. So my sponsor said, I will take you trough some suggestions that will not just stop you drinking, but will reshape your character because that?s where your problem is. ?If you do all the work, he said, you will think differently and act differently and only this CHANGE that will come to your life will keep you safe from drinking.?! Five months ago it would have sounded like nothing but a ridiculous crap and I would be back at the bar in a minute. But now all I have to do to is to follow the steps and I already know that everything will be fine. I?m meeting my sponsor every week since then and he keeps me focused on my problems and the solutions. I keep doing all the homework he is giving me and I love it because it?s good for me. I feel so grateful that I was given the chance to fix my life and you know what? It doesn?t cost me a penny. In just such a short time I got back so much in life and all the hell I went trough feels just like a memory now. But I shall never forget how it was before. It?s like a dream that I can seat here today relaxed, without that terrible fighting in my head. Though I never managed to get back together with my girlfriend (I probably did more damage there then it can be forgiven), everything else looks great and I?m sure there is still a lot more good to come if I keep doing the right thing.

I?m sure there are many parts in my story that many of you can easily identify with. Even if it?s only four months since my last drink, I thought I should share my experience with you because I feel that this time I don?t have to look for a new solution. Some of you may need exactly my story at the moment and I?ll be glad to listen to you if you want to email me. Sorry for my bad English, it?s not my first language but I hope you managed to get my point. So, for those of you who continue to benefit from the Sinclair Method I can again only say that alcoholism is a tricky disease that has a lot to do with our feelings and emotions, so what works for one may not work for the other. There are lot of us who needs to go much further than to simple block some chemical reactions in our brain cells. The pills might have worked very well on the Sinclair?s rats in the laboratory but the rats have no souls, they have no character defects and they don?t have to drink because they have a problem to handle their lives without a drink. In the long run, I guess we have to wait and see how many people in Sinclair?s program will actually fully recover. We will probably never understand what makes one an alcoholic while the other person can keep drinking socially. But what I know from my own experience that I can?t drink and nobody should tell me that I can, because if I start, I know I won?t stop and maybe next time I will even loose my life. So if you can?t stop and it makes your life a living hell, I can tell you only that there is a solution. In my case and in million other cases AA helped not to pick up that first drink. Don?t make up your opinion about AA before you give it a go. You are not alone, there a lot of people who understand how you feel and they can help you.

As I mentioned here I show you my alcohol intake while on Naltrexone
Just before starting it: average 45 units/week
And average AF days - 0 to 1

1st week - 31.5 units
2nd week - 44.5 units
3rd week - 44.5 units
4th week - 41 units (total 1st month 161.5 units)
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5th week - 36.5 units
6th week - 42 units
7th week - 42 units
8th week - 45.5 units (total 2nd month 166 units)
----
9th week - 33.5 units
10th week - 30 units
11th week - 46.5 units
12th week - 37 units (total 3rd month 147 units)
----
13th week - 34 units
14th week - 33.5 units
15th week - 29 units
16th week - 26.5 units (total 4th month 123 units)
----
17th week - 23.5 units
18th week - 28.5 units
19th week - 28.5 units
20th week - 31 units (total 5th month 111.5 units)
----
21st week - 31 units
22nd week - 34 units
23rd week - 33.5 units
24th week - 42.5 units (total 6th month 141 units)
----
25th week - 26 units
26th week - 34.5 units
27th week - 26 units
28th week - 35.5 units (total 7th month 122 units)
----
29th week - 43 units
30th week - 27.5 units
31st week - 34 units
32nd week - 34 units (total 8th month 138.5 units)
----
33rd week - 36.5 units
35th week - 35 units
36th week - 30.5 units
37th week - 36 units (total 9th month 138 units)
---
38th week - 24.5 units
39th week - 26 units
40th week - 35 units
41st week - 32 units (total 10th month 117.5 units)
---
42nd week - 68 units
43rd week - 54 units
44th week - 26.5 units
45th week - 40 units (total 11th month 188.5 units)
---
46th week - 54.5 units
47th week - 54.5 units
48th week - 48.5 units
49th week - 69 units (total 11th month 226.5 units)
---
50th week - 44.5 units
51st week - 49 units
52nd week - 51.5 units

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Summary by months until I stopped taking it

161 (October 2008 )
166
147
123
111.5
141
122
138.5
138
117.5
188.5
226.5 (October 2009)

[mario]

My story - Four years struggle with alcoholism - Part II

Thanks for sharing your story adrian,keep up the good work

[birdy02]

My story - Four years struggle with alcoholism - Part II

Congratulations! God led me to baclofen and I have no cravings now and am sooooo happy. So glad to hear you found your path as well!

[tryagain]

My story - Four years struggle with alcoholism - Part II

Congrats Adrian, you sound like you went to hell and managed to get back.

I do not agree though that I am 'a person with character defects'. I am a human being and therefore have many character defects but no more than a random person sitting next to me on a bus.

I just began drinking a very addictive drug at a very early age. Nobody told me not to, in fact it was drummed into me by society that it was cool.

I think God doesn't make defective products. I am as good as the next guy or girl.

Although I do appreciate your post was written in the right spirit I think it should have been placed in the 'My Story' section. There are too many people from the alcohol industry trying to put people off bac. I think that is why so few people have answered your post.

[susanna]

My story - Four years struggle with alcoholism - Part II

can you clarify somethings for me?

When people refer to "units" are you talking about ounces of alcohol?
Did Adrian saying the with Naltrexene his consumption basically didn't change? But he's not taking baclofen right?