My Baclofen Experience

[RedThread12]

My Baclofen Experience

Hey Mog!!!

Thank you so much for chiming back in with some much-needed perspective AND your continuing process with bac. I won't burden your thread with details, but if you want to know what has worked for me with bac for weight-gain and insomnia, just send me a pm. We're ALL different, and what has worked for me may not work for anyone else (well, it has helped a couple of people). I've been taking bac since Oct. '09, so I've watched most of what's come across the board since then. Your contributions have been so incredibly valuable to me, and I'm sure to others, as well.

I'm all the way with for getting to a better place . . . with alcohol, with mood, with physical well-being . . . it's all there for you. I'm certain. And even if you feel a little nutty (as I do, most of the time), your voice of sanity is greatly appreciated!!!

[redhead77]

My Baclofen Experience

moglor;1110615 wrote: Bone weary. I haven't gotten much sleep this week, been working 12+ hour days in very stressful conditions. I have managed to limit my alcohol intake, fortunately. Last night I pretty much had to force myself to drink beer. Why did I do that? Stupid. I have gained like 7 lbs this week due to stress I guess, and maybe bac. Annoying. I ate really spicy food last night, and this morning my stomach is really unhappy. Not a good start to the day, but I am planning on an alcohol-free weekend to recover.

-Moglor

Hi Moglor,

I'm sorry your not feeling well. I love spicy food, but sometimes I pay for it. Maybe your spicy food was high in sodium too and you gained some water weight? Just trying to be postitive. I gained 10 lbs in 10 weeks on bac. I don't think I was eating 3500 xtra calories a week either. I think it changes the metabolism in some of us. The good news is, I went to the doctor today, and I've lost 5 of the 10 already. Maybe once you find indifference, lay off the beer, and the stress calms down in your life.

Reading about your job induced stress, reminds my of my near future. I too had an extremely stressful job. One that would drive me to drink sometimes. I worry about going back. That will be the true test.

Have lovely AF weekend. Hopefully where you live, the weather will be nice. You can get out and do something fun or relaxing. Be kind to yourself. :l

[moglor]

My Baclofen Experience

I was gonna just blow this off and post from work tomorrow, but NE called me out! So here's my update.

Things are different on my 3rd time with baclofen.

For those who don't want to wade through 27 pages of moglorific meltdowns, I had been drinking somewhere around 18-24 beers per day. I saw a reference to baclofen on reddit.com, found this board, did the research, ordered and started taking baclofen and started recording my dosages and drinking on 5/28/10, shortly after my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her diagnosis was definitely a factor, as I knew I would have to be sober to help with her care eventually.

Thankfully, it was caught early. She had surgery, it got everything. She did a round of chemo, and is now cancer free.

I, on the other hand, am not alcohol free.

I was AF for a few weeks in July 2010 thanks to baclofen, then fell into a deep depression (I am diagnosed with clinical depression) and drank again after falling off my dosing schedule, neglecting myself, my diet... I went from 200 to 75mg/day in a couple days, then back to 150. I was all over the map, with predictable and obvious results.

I picked up the torch again in October 2010, and was alcohol free until February 9 2011. I had titrated down to 25mg/day. I was full of pride for conquering my alcoholism. I was going to the gym regularly. I took 12.5 mg on Feb 8th, and my diary has no more data until I came to on April 16th.

From what I can piece together, I had a couple beers on the 9th at a BBQ, then went completely off the rails. For those of you who do not struggle with depression or blackout benders, this may sound strange, but I have virtually no recollection of February or March. I do know, from my bank statements, that I drank. A lot. I did a lot of drugs. I was more depressed than I can ever recall being, yet I continued on my life on autopilot. I got my work done. I went to my 7AM meetings. I even went to the gym a few times, but this was a really bad depressive episode, the kind people get 5150ed for. Fortunately, I came to in time to get back on the bac, get back into MWO, and get out of the bender and back on my regular meds.

So here I am today, 2011-05-10, on my third go-around with baclofen.

This time, it's different. I'm not obsessing over my dosage schedule. I take the pills when I feel I'm ready. I'm not forcing myself into a dosing schedule that gives me horrible SEs. I'm at 150mg/day right now. 50 in the morning, 50 right before gym at lunch, and 50 before bed. If I'm feeling ill, weak, hungover, or whatever, I take 25mg instead, and increase the frequency.

As I mentioned in a post on Sassy's thread, I started thinking about my mental state when I went off the rails, and I came to an interesting conclusion. I was so distraught and furious with myself for breaking my alcohol free "streak" that I became despondent. I think this along with my already problematic depressive issues caused my last meltdown.

I have since revised my attitude.

I now believe that by forcing myself into a binary success/fail mode, I was dooming myself to failure. When I drank last and broke my nearly 6 month alcohol free spell, I felt like I had wasted the entirety of the past year. I felt like I had let everyone here down, which is why I didn't post for 3 months. I felt like I'd let Dr. Amiesen down, and that I'd failed the entire baclofen community.

Now, a lot of that is the depression and the self loathing talking, but it made me alter my perspective, and I think it's a fundamental shift that will insure my ultimate success.

Now, I realize, recovery is an iterative process. I realize, now, that having a drink does not mean I've failed with baclofen. Most importantly, I now realize that baclofen is only one small step in a multi-pronged approach to facing the alcohol demons, and there's no magic "abstinence" button, even with a sack of pills.

So where, you ask, does that leave John Moglor?

Well, it leaves me right where you found me. Slack jawed at the keyboard with a fist full of pills and an empty bottle of absinthe, clawing with unbridled passion at the rope of sobriety.

Love,
-John

[bleep]

My Baclofen Experience

Wow, good post Moglor.

I too reached indifference, gave myself a round of applause and thought the job was done, so I dropped my baclofen intake dramatically. I soon discovered that indifference is a process, and not necessarily an event, and that it needs to be looked after for it to last.

I've nothing constructive to add - your post seems to cover all the bases. Perhaps I can chime in the binary success or failure aspect. I chose to moderate after reaching indifference, so to me success obviously isn't measured by that yardstick. Rather, I measure it on how I feel about the drink, and using that yardstick, I rate baclofen as one of the success stories in my life. I think it's important, as you state, to look at it from an overall point of view, rather than seeing a drink as total failure.

[ignominious]

My Baclofen Experience

Another fascinating post, thanks.

On a personal level I relate to the 'one drink ruins 6 months' mentality. I started writing about my attempts to control life and make it conform to preconceived ideas but I started to confuse myself! In conclusion though, I wanted to say that my attempts to relax those standards of perfection is not only very liberating but feels so right.

You're a stand up guy Mog and trust you'll find your way out soon.

BTW love this line:
"Slack jawed at the keyboard with a fist full of pills and an empty bottle of absinthe, clawing with unbridled passion at the rope of sobriety."
I'll probably end up reading it again in Ne's first novel!

[Murphyx]

My Baclofen Experience

moglor;1112743 wrote:
I now believe that by forcing myself into a binary success/fail mode, I was dooming myself to failure.

John, I completely agree.

Do you think the maintenance dose of 12.5 was too low? When you were AF before the BBQ, how much was that due to the bac and how much to willpower?

Good luck this time round, not that you'll need it, you've clearly got this sussed now.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

My Baclofen Experience

ignominious;1112772 wrote: Another fascinating post, thanks.

On a personal level I relate to the 'one drink ruins 6 months' mentality. I started writing about my attempts to control life and make it conform to preconceived ideas but I started to confuse myself! In conclusion though, I wanted to say that my attempts to relax those standards of perfection is not only very liberating but feels so right.!

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life...
I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

I read and underlined this last night. It made me think of beatle, too, obviously, but I thought it was relevant here!

You're a stand up guy Mog and trust you'll find your way out soon.

ignominious;1112772 wrote:
"Slack jawed at the keyboard with a fist full of pills and an empty bottle of absinthe, clawing with unbridled passion at the rope of sobriety."
I'll probably end up reading it again in Ne's first novel!

:H you may just be right. I'll have to cross that bridge when it comes up, because there are so many brilliant thoughts around here... But that one is just beautiful. simple. simply beautiful simple.

And mog, I hope the absinthe is just a literary thing. Now that it's legal in this country again, I can't be sure...

Power on, brother. As always you're a treasure. So glad you're participating! Thank you.
Ne

[SassyLassy]

My Baclofen Experience

Good luck

John,

I haven't read your threads before...don't know why, habit I suppose.

I've only read a few pages, but here's what I already know:

You are
1) very intuitive, perceptive, insightful; not just to your own situation, but to others as well (posts on my thread)
2) you KNOW YOURSELF so well. I can't think of an adjective for that. But your honesty, forthrightness, and "lay it out there for others to look at" speaks to me
3) you are persistent - a rarity in this quick fix/immediate gratification world. You have stuck with Bac, and keep on keeping on the course you have set for yourself.

I applaud you, and look forward to more of your posts.
Oh, and you are a GREAT writer...the "Slack jawed at the keyboard with a fist full of pills and an empty bottle of absinthe, clawing with unbridled passion at the rope of sobriety" is nothing less than brilliant.

[Isolde]

My Baclofen Experience

Ne/Neva Eva;1112864 wrote:

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life...
I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
I was also going to comment on the all or nothing attitude. I've dealt with being a perfectionist for most of my life, and only in recent years (and MUCH more so since bac), have begun to relax, be more gray than black and white, and not take shit so seriously. And the shift that it has created is nothing short of amazing.
GREAT quote NE, thanks so much for posting that. I couldn't agree with it more wholeheartedly. :h

Ne/Neva Eva;1112864 wrote:
And mog, I hope the absinthe is just a literary thing. Now that it's legal in this country again, I can't be sure...

I also loved the quote about the absinthe. Very evocative. And though it's legal here in the states now, it's not the same stuff that was making people hallucinate in the late 1800s/1900s (not positive on the time frame, but 200 years ought to cover it! :H). I've tried it. And if you have an aversion to licorice (as I do), it tastes like complete shit.
It'll still getcha drunk though!

[moglor]

My Baclofen Experience

Ne/Neva Eva;1112864 wrote:
And mog, I hope the absinthe is just a literary thing. Now that it's legal in this country again, I can't be sure...

If only.. I have a terrible weak spot for the stuff. It wasn't a whole bottle though, that was literary license. :-) It was 8 beers and 2 absinthe cocktails.

In the US there are FDA restrictions on the Thujone content in Absinthe. Thujone is the compound suspected of causing the hallucinations of old. The thing that gets you about Absinthe today is that it's 106 proof rocket fuel.

Perfectionism.. that's pretty accurate. Although I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, I have a strong sense of self loathing due to the fact that I typically cannot do things as well as I think I should. It is not an easy thing to get past, but I think my life would be a lot better for it if I could.

[RudyB]

My Baclofen Experience

ok mog, you beautiful writer,
what the heck does it mean to be 5150ed? i just bought a snowboard with that company's title, and feel i should know what i'm 'riding' on...
thanks for insight, in advance.
rudy

[moglor]

My Baclofen Experience

5150 is a section of the California health and welfare code, which allows law enforcement to put someone on an involuntary psychiatric hold in a hospital. This is done when people are considered a "danger to themselves or others" and are unwilling or incapable of voluntarily accepting treatment.

[moglor]

My Baclofen Experience

Well, that was weird.

I am in bed with the laptop, was petting the cat and talking to someone on IRC, next thing I know my bottle of water is pouring all over the floor, I'm sort of sideways in bed, and I have no recollection of how the bottle got knocked over or what just happened. The cat hasn't moved, and nothing else is damaged, including me. I think I just lost 5 minutes of time.. Did I nod off or was that some kind of seizure? Creepy. Do not like!!

[bleep]

My Baclofen Experience

You're right, that's very odd. What did the person you were chatting with say? I'm not familiar with IRC, is it text based or speech?

[DoDoHead]

My Baclofen Experience

geez Moglor. At least you've been AF SOME of the time. I'm still trying after 12 years. Please keep posting. Your journey and delightful expression of it, is meaningful to many of us........