All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

[Brave Hearted]

I am so lucky and grateful that last summer I came back on this site and discovered baclofen, which I have now been taking for 10 months with the most amazing results ! which I have posted about many times.

I now feel normal !!!!!

BUT ......... I am going through a period of extreme sadness and in some ways anger about everything al has put me through. I have lost untold relationships (freinds, family and partners) because of my drinking and suffered the heartache that goes with it . I have cried enough tears to drown myself . It has been 30 years of hell, which have left me alone and heart broken.

I am angry because baclofen has made me realise I am not weak or bad I was just sick. I cant imagine what sort of a life me and my children would have had if baclofen was about years ago. My poor children have been dragged through all the crap in my life that al has caused, they have had to see my drunk falling over, making promises I dont keep, embarrasing myslef and them, they have had to see me taking to my bed for weeks in self pity when another relationship has failed because of my drinking. My two lovely boys are very self sufficient as they have had to fend for themselves when I have been to hung over to get out of bed ! I am not proud of all of this and its in the past but its left me feeling very sad and angry.

I aslo have to watch my ex partner with his new girlfriend doing all the things I would love to do, but he could not be with me because of my drinking. I know its a silly thing to say because life is not fair, BUT ITS JUST NOT FAIR !!!!! I never asked to be like this and its the one condition that in this life very few people have any sympahty for, if you have a problem with al you are seen as a bad person. You onlyhave to look at TV shows anybody with a al problem is always a character who is not very nice and unlikeable and they usually do bad things , steal leave their children etc to add to the overall badness of them !1

I have spent nearly 30 years hating myself thinking I was weak and stupid ! Baclofen has made me realise I am niether. I also lived in contstant fear of what al woudl turn me into, now that is gone I am just left with this over whelming sense of loss for all that al has taken away from me. IT JUST NOT FAIR !!!!

I feel like I am going through a period of mourning for all that al has robbed from me , my saving grace is this site as I know all you wonderful people, some who have become my personal friends, understand and allow me the facility to rant on .

I just wish I could find a way to come to term with my feeling and anger I just want to keep crying as I never asked to be like this I dont desreve all the tihngs that have happened to me and the lonleyness that I now have in my life .

But to end on a postive note I will be eternally grateful that I did find baclofen and that it worked for me and I would encourage anybody to try it and stick with it, I cant say life for at the moment sober is wonderful but I know it all part of a process and hopefully in time I wll be able to look back and appreciate that.

BH x

[craving]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

BH, I fully understand your feeling. Its one of the bad effects about stopping drinking, you start to realize what you have done on alcohol and what you would have never done.

Sadly there is no way of turning back time.

I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible.

10 months is a good amount of time. I am "just" 5 months dry on Baclofen - still it is magic to be free of craving and needing to drink anymore! With the time the memory of the older things will fade and fade. I can not imagine anymore how I could drink at all ... guess I am faster in forgetting ....

[Doggygirl]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Brave Hearted and Craving, it seems there is so much hope with Baclofen to be a solution for so many. I follow your experiences here with interest, and mainly am so happy for both of you that you have found your way to freedom from this horrible addiction. You are so right BH - we are not weak and bad, we are just sick!

Letting go of the past is a challenging task. Part of what helps me is the knowledge that without the AL related bad things in my past, I cannot appreciate the gift of sobriety today. The experience we have gained through finally getting sober can benefit others. We wouldn't have that without the bad experiences.

I think we tend to view the lives of others as though they must be perfect where ours are far from it. Rarely does anyone *feel* that their life is perfect. We just have different problems and different ways of viewing those problems.

I was so self centered and full of self pity and resentment prior to the recovery process. On the surface, I had a lot going for me (job, marriage, etc.) but I wasn't right on the inside. Just removing the alcohol didn't change that.

All we can do is continue the healing - physically spiritually and emotionally, and share the message of hope with others. I think if we do that, we can find the peace inside that we have been looking for all along.

Congratulations on your wonderful progress and thank you for keeping us posted with your message!

DG

[Rusty]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Hi Bravehearted,

I so know what you're going through. My drinking problem was 3 1/2 years old before I started on NAL and BAC, and both have been lifesavers for me. I am AF now but I get incredibly sad and melancholy some days, thinking what a fool I made of myself in front of my family and my nieces, nephews and friends. I cringe about the days I went to work hungover and often worry if I wreaked of booze (which I could NEVER smell of course, and thought I was fooling people :-( )

You are grieving the loss of your partner and I understand that. Now you can move forward in a sober life and find someone new if that's what you wish....as it would be hard to do if you were drinking.

This is what I'm doing to relieve my shame....just like you....I want to help others here who need support. If I can help someone here, guide them, comfort them....then I'll know all my wasted years drinking were not all for naught. My mother always told me helping someone else is the best way to stop reliving our problems, and she was right. You have helped ME a lot. I always read your posts.

Hope you feel better today,

Rusty

[Cinders]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

BH,

I read your post and can very much relate to it. Very much.

I know that you don't like AA and all that but I was going through my e-mail and my sponsor sent this to me today. It fits so perfectly and hit me like a ton of bricks, especially considering your post.

We Are Who We Think We Are

How we think about ourselves has an impact on what we do. If we decide that we are less of a person because we have an illness, then we may not fulfill our potential. If we decide our illness will consume our every thought and action for the rest of our lives, then it probably will. If we decide that we will always be a victim and our life will bring us nothing but misfortune, then our life may just turn out that way.

On the other hand, if we begin to believe positive things about ourselves, eventually our outlook on life will become positive as well. When we believe that we are lovable, that we can cope with our illness, and that we are no less of a person because of it, then this is what shall be. We can change who we are by changing who we believe ourselves to be.

Today, do I remind myself of my abilities, my choices, and my opportunities?

Thought for the Day

My attitude and perspective can make life more positive and joyful.

You have found your way out of the madness of this disease. You are to be commended for that, so many do not. Now, you have a lifetime ahead of you to live the life you should. Many who do not drink don't do that, either.

Love,
Cindi

[one2many]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

[Brave Hearted]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Thank you all for your wonderful replies and the 'though for today' is awesome ! I am going to copy it out and carry it around in my purse with me !

I agree with you Rusty I come on here to get help myself but if what I post helps anybody I would be extremely happy , thats hwy I prorbably ramble on a lot in them , I try my very best to give as much support as I can.

I am just having a bad couple of days and I cant really link it to anything probably just me getting old !
What you have all written means so much I know that one good consequence of my drinking is that I have met all you lovely people who I can always rely on to be there for me , I am truely blessed.

I am wating to go to councilling as I am stuggling coming to term with all of this , but I do realsie that in time it will get better and being sober is the greatest gift I have ever been given and even when I am feeling down I never loose sight of that.

Again thank you xx

[jessie]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

BH, writing about it should be very therapeutic, so you did the right thing. But how about writing a real article and have it published somewhere - that way you can reach and help many more people still living in the clutches of the alcohol hell. Just a thought.

[Sunnyvalenting]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

We must live life looking forward and understand it looking back. I so related to your painfully honest post. Today would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary. Unfortunately I drank it away and am now divorced for the past 3 years. Yes there are regrets. But I also think that maybe it took that pain and more to get me to the point of taking more risks to recover. I too found baclofen too late to prevent hurting a lot of people. But I also know you and I both found it in time to help a lot of people too. I am now abstinent for over 5 months. I hope you know that your honesty and willingness to share have touched many hearts today, including mine.

[Winefree]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Braveheart, healing takes time. We cannot change the past, but we can change our futures. You are finding your way with the help of Baclofen, isn't that a wonderful blessing. Move forward, learn from the past and welcome the future.

Cinders, I loved that thought for the day. How true. How powerful. It is all in our attitude. I too need to copy that and refer to it periodically when I 'm having a down day.

Winefree

[Guest]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

I know! Me too!

I realize I've got to reach out, because no woman is an island and all... I feel like an interloper but want to be part of the group. so here goes:
Having alcoholism is such a raw deal. After too many years of really embarrassing myself, and then going through lots of treatment, unsuccessfully, with tons of support I decided to keep my drinking a 'secret.' (Good luck with that, right?)
Several years ago, tired of self-pity and approaching 40 I decided to do something about feeling pathetic by definition. And I did. Diet, exercise, intellectual pursuits, bigger social network, working harder/better, volunteering and supporting others. All done, albeit with varying degrees of success. (Hard to be a good friend when I can't talk on the phone after 8pm or MUST GET OUT OF HERE because it's 6:30 and I desperately need a drink...)
Thing is I'm still a drunk. And it's a shameful secret.
I am tired of shame, regret, pity, self-pity and self-loathing.
Yay, me and yay you! We are not (I fervently pray) our illness. And we may have a few good years left in us; to right some wrongs, contribute, love well and eat our tofu. (Okay, that's just me. no-one else I know actually eats tofu.)
k

[Cinders]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Our disease does not define us. It is a part of us, no doubt, but it does not define us.

One of our members here, who doesn't come on much anymore, used to say, "Good people do bad things." She is right.

I am with you, research, let's spend the rest of our years doing the next right thing. That is all we can do.

Cindi

[techie]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Hi Research - Welcome. No we are NOT our illness. The alcohol abuse is a product of our biology and behavior. Take time to read through the threads and keep posting questions. You need to come up with a plan of attack. I tried yo moderate, but I cannot as most. I need to remove alcohol from my life. BTW, didn'nt know you ate tofu, I thought one practiced tofu?

[Brave Hearted]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

Hi all thank you all for youe supportive replies and welcome research. You are in a great place have a look at baclofen it a wonder !.

Thnak you for the idea Jessie it si something I may consisder, wrting help me a lot as I dont have people in my real world who understand.

I am so grateful I have found baclofen and it just keeps getting better and better , btu I wish there was a tablet for lonliness , thast was prorbably one of the reason I drank I am going on holiday next week plan to come home and turn over a new leaf and go out and do things a bit more.

I am still struggling today but I know I will get through it.

BH

[Sunnyvalenting]

All the heart ache, hurt, self loathing and wasted years !

I have lots of hobbies and iterests that I am now more able to participate in sober. I get together with friends almost dayly as living alone one can become isolated and that is a dangerous place for me. Are there people you can connect with besides this site? You don't have to talk about alcohol or recovery. There are other interesting things to do or learn once you aren't' likely to be drunk and disorderly.
Adler (early psychiatrist) prescribed that one could not get too depressed if they did at least one thing for someone else every day. That was his prescription for depression before all the pills. It actually seems to work. Exercise is good for us too.
These are just some of the things helping me with loneliness and remorse. Still there but manageable. Now I actually feel these normal human emotions, accept them, and make a healthy plan rather than running to my (ex) favorite friend Al.
All the best and keep posting.
Sunny