Questions for those AF

[hopefulspirit]

I am alone on a Friday night because I'm trying to let Bac do it's thing without the interference of alcohol and because at the dose I am on (210 mgs) it's simply not safe for me to drink. But it's summer here and I'm missing opportunities to socialize. That might sound trivial in the bigger scheme of things but what I do/don't do, impacts my family. Everyone I know drinks and I suspect they suspect (already) that something is up with me. So my questions are:

Do you tell your friends/family what you're doing? What if you fail and you've put yourself out there? I also don't want to make myself or them uncomfortable around me under any circumstances especially if I end up being a somewhat normal drinker. (yes, I too heard the beast chiming in)

Do you even risk temptation by socializing in the beginning stages? I know from recovery groups that you shouldn't expose yourself to alcohol too soon. Even a successful outing can lead to relapse shortly after as you are left feeling deprived and vulnerable. Does that apply once you've hit that magical "switch"?

And what do you say to acquaintances when they offer you a drink? I've said "I'm taking medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol" and I've heard "oh, not just one?" and I'm at a loss. I'm a terrible liar and I don't like being dishonest but the stigma around this disease is particularly harsh especially when you're female and a mother.

I can't believe that I am posting this for the world to see. I hung up with a relative today who is a known alcoholic and is on the verge of losing everything. I want to reach out and help her but am in this precarious stage of not knowing if I can even help myself (yet).
I did know that I was in a stronger position and I couldn't always say that.

My biggest question is what lifestyle changes did you have to make to feel happy AF? Do you still have friends that drink? Are you seriously OK not having a glass of (name your poison here) during events that you once enjoyed with drink?

I know, I should get a good therapist or go to an AA meeting. Apologies for venting here...
:thanks:

HP
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.? - Maria Robinson

[greeneyes]

Questions for those AF

hopefulspirit, this is a really great topic. May I make a tiny suggestion? Could you copy and post this in "general" or maybe "just starting out" where there will be exposure to more people? People who have some good tips may not see this because they don't look in the meds section.

[hopefulspirit]

Questions for those AF

I'm sorry if I sabotaged the meds board. I felt that my questions were specific to med users. Please just ignore it. I would delete if I knew how... maybe a moderator can help me out?

[Sunnyvalenting]

Questions for those AF

I am on bac and AF for the past 6 months. I have been to several social events where alcohol was served. It is not a big deal to me to decline a drink. I just say no thank you. I occasionally have picked up a glass and filled it with ice water or ice tea. Your host may feel more obliged to offer you a drink if you don't have anything in hand. I have not avoided these fun events because with the baclofen the former cues don't lead to cravings and I can safely say that I am not even tempted. It is such a strange experience. So different than before. I know that AA talks about "slippery places" but with the bac I haven't found any yet.
I have told a few very discrete close friends and my immediate family who are very supportive as they saw what alcohol was doing to me. They are very relieved at my success so far. They have every right to be cautious in their optimism. I appreciate this thread right where it is!
Good Luck.
Sunny

[bobtoot666]

Questions for those AF

I've been AF on Bac for 3 weeks and 1 day.

After 1 week I went to a poker night where we usually all drink to excess, but I brought with me loads of energy drinks and a big bottle of Dr Pepper. During the night everyone got really drunk except me. There was one point when I thought "I could have a can of beer", but I didn't want one. My aunty got REALLY drunk and abused everyone, which made me realise I REALLY didn't want one.

In the second week I went to a rock gig, my friend drove us there so we both drank Coke. There wasn't one time when I even thought about alcohol.

I'm still only on 30mg but it really has had a big effect on my cravings.

I told everyone at the poker night and my friend who drove me to the gig about my alcoholism and the medication I'm on. The more people who know, the harder it is for me to drink. All my friends are really supportive, if they saw me with a drink I think they'd take it off me and slap me!

If you're worried people might try and force you to drink, just tell them you're on Antabuse, and the reaction you would have if you drink.

The medication is only one small part of quitting. The more people you tell the more support you will get. I post my progress on facebook, it makes it impossible for me to fall off the wagon.

Keep going HS, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!!

[Chillgirl]

Questions for those AF

Hopeful - I quit without meds but I guess the journey is still the same as far as getting on with AF life. At 1st it seems like an impossible task and socially daunting but you have to take it in stages ODAT (one day at a time). I was pretty reclusive to begin with as I think many of us are, its too difficult to be out with drinkers and so yes life is completely different. But while all this is going on you start to feel good and this helps counter balance the lack of social activity. I also spent many hours on here, especially in chat at the beginning to get me throught the witching hours of early evening when I would normally drink.

As time has gone on I now see people that drink but you usually find you will have no desire to be around heavy drinkers again and find their company pretty boring to be honest. I now meet my friends for coffee instead or for some other activity and it settles down into a new way of life. I cannot stress enough though that the rewards are enormous and I am happier than i have even been in my life. The anxiety and depression cause by the AL has gone and I wouldnt swap my old life for anything in the world.

I hope this helps but dont worry too much about the future, it will take care of itself, concentrate on today and get the best out of it. I wish you much strength.

[Brave Hearted]

Questions for those AF

Hi Hopefull I hear everything you have said. I have been on bac since last summer. I found what works for me was to tell those closes to me that I was on it and what my goals were, hey have seen the distructive drunk I was so they were more than happy to support me. How about sayin to those who dont know that you are on a detox ? its super trendy to do that at the minute (not just for al), so should not raise to many questions or alternativly why not just say ' thanks but i dont fancy a drink rightnow' I would sugguest that we make a bigger deal of these things than other people do.

In the early days I think its hard to imagine a al or a life drinking in moderation ( I know thats not for everybody) but like chill said take it one day at a time and it will fall into place and one day you will wake up and al will not dominate your thought and life and you will think whow how did this great new life happen ?? because a sober life is no where near as scary as a drunken one !

I read in your post you are thining of attending and AA meeting, I am not to sure that their principles are in line with anybody who takes meds, and I am just concerned you may come accross some oposition which would be a shame as I am living testimony that baclofen works, although I respect the principles of AA and anybody who is a member.

And on a final note never apologise for venting thats what this site is for, loads of us have been there through the fear, though times and a million and one other feelings and emotions, vent away as you might get some good responses which will help solve your problems ! something al will never do !

Good luck and keep us posted !

BH x

[greeneyes]

Questions for those AF

Hi hopeful spirit... oh dear, that wasn't what I meant. I think that the issues apply to everyone, whether they take meds or not. I don't so I rarely read posts here. Just sort of happened on yours.

I missed some pretty important celebrations early on. It was within a heavy drinking crowd. "Where's greenie?" was not the issue of the day. I eventually told the person who was the center of the events that I was sorry I couldn't attend but I simply couldn't attend and why. That he was unable to drive due to a DUI made this a little easier.

Nothing is more important than your sobriety. If you need to avoid people or events to protect that (be it for fear of temptation or fear of offering an excuse so as not to air the issue) then you need to do that. Stay home. Your friends and family will survive.

If you can go to events, there are loads of ways to dodge a drink. I am a terrible liar too and you will find you usually don't have to. Just keep an AF drink in your hand and say "I'm fine, thanks" and you will be suprised how many don't notice or care. People here can provide you with more excuses if you need them.

I don't know about the bac magical switch, but being AF for a time sort of provides it's own. You do get to the point that you don't want a drink and are not tempted by others' consumption. When you realize and own the feeling that not drinking is not equated with deprivation, you really move forward in the AF life.

Happy AF life? You bet!! I am CLEARLY happier AF not just to myself but to my family and friends. I didn't make changes to get happy. Happy came with being AF. My lifestyle changes are a result of that, not the other way around. I didn't have to change my friends (I did avoid some for a bit). But I find there was a shift and expansion of friends. I rekindled some friendships that have less alcohol history and loosended up a bit on ones that always seemed to have a glass in hand - not because they have the glass but because it limits them in in ways that no longer confine me.

I know it seem like a huge stigma - like a dirty secret... I felt that way too. My imagination was really in charge of that. It wasn't that big of a deal. The people that really care already knew (don't kid yourself) and everyone else didn't notice. At the end of the day, it's all about you and you being sober. Nothing else matters.

Hope that helps even though I did ramble on...

[hippie37]

Questions for those AF

hopefulspirit;913309 wrote: I'm sorry if I sabotaged the meds board. I felt that my questions were specific to med users. Please just ignore it. I would delete if I knew how... maybe a moderator can help me out?

Morning hopeful. Just to gain some clarity. What makes you think you've sabotaged anything? Greenie was suggesting you copy and paste this post in other sections as it's a topic that so many others will be able to relate to. It would be helping a lot of people no doubt to read this post so they can identify with it. You've sabotaged nothing. In fact quite the opposite.

I didn't expose myself to any situations where there was drink involved this time around. In the past I fooled myself into thinking it didn't bother me and I was fine with it. The reality was, I was angry, resentful and feeling very isolated because everyone else WAS drinking. It was torture to be honest, but because I had this 'front' on all the time that I was OK, I didn't allow myself to feel anything in these situations. I just buried it and put on a big grin for everyone to see. I was doing exactly what I was with my drinking where I was not allowing myself to feel the way I felt through blocking it all out; telling everyone "I'm fine!" when in fact I'm lonely, frightened and scared of drinking again. Nearly 18 months sober and I can still be a bugger for blocking things out!! I just don't let these feelings consume me anymore to the point where I do go and drink again on them.

Keep things simple and don't be pressured into people pleasing and having "just one" if you know it's not right for you. The stigma, I agree can be just as much a part of our recovery as the actual illness itself. Hence why AA has it's traditions based on anonymity.

Many Blessings
Phil

[Brave Hearted]

Questions for those AF

Hi hopefull I just though of something somebody said to me which I found helpful and I hope you do and that was to question why anybody would want to push you into drinking ?? it says a lot more about where they are in their drinking than yours ! never be embarrassed to say no to a drink say it with pride as you know yourself what a huge achievement that is !

[Doggygirl]

Questions for those AF

Hopeful, this really is an excellent topic you raised. Stopping drinking really is just the beginning. Once we figure that part out, how will our AF life be structured? I think there are lots of different approaches to that - just like there are to getting AF in the first place. (meds, willpower, AA, supplements, hypnosis, some combination of stuff, etc.)

For me, I just don't find it fun to hang out in situations that I used to enjoy. Places where the "party is on" and the main activity is drinking and talking and drinking and talking. I can successfully be in those situations and not drink, but I'm not happy doing that.

I don't mind being around a little AL where NORMAL drinkers are having one or two, but the main focus of the activity is something other than drinking.

Mainly, I am enjoying making new sober friends and enjoying activities where drinking is just not part of it. My days start a lot earlier now, and are much fuller. So I don't feel the need for as much night time "socializing" where drinking used to be my focus.

Just a few general thoughts and again - this is an excellent topic that applies to everyone I think, regardless of what quit method they are employing.

DG

[moglor]

Questions for those AF

I've been AF for 8 days now, so I don't have a huge pool of experience to draw on, but I can say with utter certainty that this is the longest period of sobriety I've had in over 15 years.

I have told a very select few of my closest friends about my baclofen experiment. I've been met primarily with skepticism and worry that I'm doing something "wrong," but I don't think they truly understand the underlying extent of my alcoholism. I've always been a secret drinker, and a high functioning alcoholic, and while my capacity for drink is well known publicly, they don't know that the glasses of beer they saw me with really added up to 15 or more drinks throughout the evening, or that I stopped by the liquor store on the way home and drank another 8 when I got home. 15, 20+ beers a night was normal for me.

As I sank deeper into the pit of alcoholism, I reduced my social life to a very limited set of engagements where drinking was likely/expected: afternoon BBQs, parties, bars after work. I planned my mornings around hangovers. I'd never agree to do anything or be anywhere before around 4pm on weekend days, and tried to find reasons to be out of the office or in late on Mondays. My social life has suffered dearly because of this, and I find that I am associated primarily with beer and bad moods amongst my friends.

From 26th June to 6th July, I was taking baclofen, but not altering my social behavior. I still went to the parties, still went to the bars, the BBQs, and still drank, although occasionally I'd turn down a beer. This caused a surprising amount of consternation amongst my friends, and they all wanted to know what was wrong with me. I think I realized then that my personality had become synonymous with drinking.

On the 7th of July, I realized that moderation wasn't going to work for me, and I needed a push to get completely AF. I re-started my gym and switched to a low-carb diet, and have been AF since. I have purposely avoided social interactions during this time, because it's a recipe for disaster. Baclofen has helped reduce/eliminate my alcohol cravings, but the social pressure and social anxiety is still there in spades. I don't know how long I'll be able to maintain this, because I will need to re-integrate my AF personality into my circle of friends, and I'm no longer the same person I was before I went AF.

So, YES. I absolutely risk temptation and failure by going back to my old lifestyle. It's going to be very hard to try and fit back in once I feel that I'm ready, if I ever feel that I'm ready. I'm now in the process of seeking out new things to do that don't revolve around alcohol. This is not an easy task, but it's much better than the alternative.

Best,
Moglor

[hopefulspirit]

Questions for those AF

What a nice way to wake up... (with the exception of my escape artist cat (who succeeded today) and accidently using egg whites as cream in this mornings coffee. So this is life without a hangover?

Greeneyes... You are right (I should have posted in general) but I never go there. I always B-line for this board and feel that I've gotten to know the regulars. I also don't feel comfortable talking about med use in the general or "just starting out" boards since it's already visible if that's what others want to read.
Sunny... Thanks for flippin' this post sunny side up : )
Bob... So maybe I will play black jack again. Total association with bad but "free" drinks.
Chill...Your post really hit me. It's a total rewiring of the brain. Perhaps even dealing with some of these "what ifs" is a less sudden turning on of the switch. We can hope.
Hippie...I think I was sensitive (self-pity) and defensive... thank you for shedding light.
Brave... I am proud not drink, proud not to drink.. How many times a day should I start repeating that?
Doggy... I always read your posts and if I remember correctly you have the sobriety plan thread. It's all sooo valuable and helpful. I'm not sure that I am convinced about AA. I did go to a meeting here and was bored out of my mind, didn't feel comfortable and dodged for the door as soon as it was over.

OK... Today is day 1 of double intensity workout plan (part of my sobriety plan).

HP

[hopefulspirit]

Questions for those AF

Moglor,
I missed you. Despite all the success I've heard about the switch, I don't think I can take social situations. I don't even think I can take a great restaurant without wine. I welcome and anticipate the switch. If I don't get there soon, I guess I will titrate down and do TSM.

[PhoenixRising]

Questions for those AF

I'm glad you started this thread (and I hope you duplicated it in the General forum as I think it merits more coverage).

I think I am an anomaly: I drink in secret. The only person who knows I am a drunk is my husband who 1. has seen me drunk and 2. is a cop and he can just tell from being around so many drunks in his career. I went out with some friends a month or so ago and they all ordered martinis and so I did as well. They actually said "Oh, I thought you didn't drink". WTF??? **Me*** not drink? I was almost ROFL.

So, for me, social situations are a breeze. What's hard is being home, which sucks of the highest magnitude because, well, I live here! LOL!

So, this past Tuesday I drank and had a Dark Night of the Soul. I woke up about 2:00 thoroughly disgusted with myself (and I'd only had 4!) and totally missing Cowgal, the one person on this forum with whom I totally felt connected (she committed suicide for those who didn't know) and ended up on the living room floor, sobbing. Even my dogs walked away. My old 17 year old cat stayed by me. He's lived through me being divorced and being widowed so he is no stranger to the boo-hoos. So, I picked myself up, vowed to Never Drink Again and went back to bed. I had to call in sick the next day because my eyes were so puffy I looked deformed. :upset:

So what do I do? I buy a bottle of wine on Thursday because I felt like it. . Friday comes, it's the 10th anniversary of my husband's death and I decide that's a good day for Day 1 of sobriety (besides which I am at 250mg and that is just so f*cking high it scares the shite out of me).

So here I am. Day 3 of Sober Phoenix is just beginning. Yesterday I had a small craving but was able to brush it aside. Got my pantry cleaned. Made bread. Today I plan to hang around hubby all day.

Nobody knows I am taking Bac. Hubby knows I am taking something because he saw it on the cc statement and questioned it. I met with my GP Friday and I totally wussed out and didn't tell him, either. I am just so ashamed. I can't say I have hit the switch, but my drinking was about half last week and I am able to resist more and more.
Somehow, I feel I may stumble a few more times before this addiction sputters to an end, but I think I am getting a grip on a 35 year addiction. (hate to even type that).

I get great solace from listening to Amazing Grace and try to listen to it once a day to bolster my resolve.

Hugs to you my friends; thank you for being there for me. It means the world to me.

-P (still trying to rise)