New here and starting Topa and with a question

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

OK - I am now totally pissed off about writing on here!! I check in - I write, try to "post a quick reply", it tells me I am not logged in and alls lost. HAte that shit!!

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

testing...will try again tomorrow :-))

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh God, life just went from bad to better to worse to worst in a long time.

The topa worked for two weeks, then I started drinking over it when I heard about my dad being sick, then it ended up being cancer, now he's in the ICU for 3 more days and yesterday I fell flat on my face and needed to go to the ER for stitches, shots and treatment for concussion. I had some to drink but it was half a bottle of wine so I wasnt drunk, I tripped over the hose pipe and there were three steps, my face hit the highest one. At least my teeth are still in tact and the financial implications wasnt that bad (I dont have insurance) I got a huge shock though as there was blood everywhere. :upset:

Thanks Mimi and WTE, my dad's a fighter. We're still waiting for the exact tests to come back, everything happened so fast and as th obstruction was so big by the time they caught it they couldnt exactly first test it and then cut it out.

Houtx, I always click on 'Post reply' and then type in the box, then select everything and copy it in case it gets lost and then 'submit reply.' That way you can just paste your message again should you have to sign in.

I don't want to do antabuse for longer than a month but I hate myself right now. I mean I have a bloody concussion and I still had a bottle of wine yesterday and one today. I'm off balance as it is. I'm going to swallow th antabuse when I wake up and that will mean no alcohol for at least four days. I loved not drinking a lot for two weeks on topa, I am a much nicer person when I'm not self and booze obsessed. My parents and my family and my health needs me more than wine does right now .

:h

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh DizzyBee! I’m glad you are OK! (Well, not hurt worse than you could have been!) Amazing the nonsense we manage at times of stress (and drinking) isn’t it? Still holding good thoughts for your Dad – keep us posted.

Houtx – I miss hearing from you! Will you PLEASE learn??? HA!

So Day 13 here without much change. Still holding at 50 mg in the evening at 500-530 PM. A touch more productive over the weekend but some of my grand plans for outdoor work went to poop when an unexpected rainstorm blew in. *sigh* Perfect excuse for a nap and I am still sleeping over 10 hours a night as well! Weird for me! The tiredness is lifting a bit, but I am not ready to jump up dosage just yet. Crazy busy week at work and can’t be napping!

Finally got my L-Glut in powder forum. I think I saw Sun say she took 2 tsp in an inch of water. The can I got said to take ? tsp. Hummmm. Tried 1 tsp yesterday when the AM cravings hit and 2 tsp this morning. It kept the demons at bay until almost noon yesterday when I went to the store so I drank slightly less. But this morning they are back and I kept my promise to myself last night to pour out that last ? bottle so nothing would be here in the morning. I keep telling myself that if ONLY I could wait until 5 PM or even 3 PM for that 1st glass of wine I would drink SO much less! I seem to drink about a glass an hour … and here it is only 9 AM and I would be sipping if it was in the house.

PLEASE KICK IN TOPA! *sigh*

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi WTE, I don't really blame alcohol because I wasnt drunk, I think it was an accident BUT I think it was a bit of a wake up call. If I didnt drink a lot the night before and a lot earlier in the day and then had a nap I wouldnt have rushed around and been disorientated.

So yeah, I wasnt drunk but the accident would not have happened if I have not been drinking. Who knows, maybe its the big shove in the right direction I need, maybe in a years time I'll look back on the concussion and bust lip and say thank you for finally getting me out of my drinking rut. I've had 3 antabuse so I cant drink now for a week even if I wanted to...and of course I want to. I'm just very depressed and feeling sorry for myself but sometimes its good to allow oneself a mini pity party every once and a while as long as you get up after a day or two.

I think you're doing well WTE, I'm exactly the same as you when it comes with having alcohol around in the morning. Well at least if its here at 9 I'll have it but if its not here I know I wont go to the shop until later because I always feel a bit ashamed to buy wine before noon. I try to buy smaller quantities because where I live you cant buy between 8pm and 8am unless you go to a pub and I'm not exactly going to rock up at the pub on my own.

When did the Topa kick in last time? Don't be too hard on yourself for the resting bit, you are making some positive changes and napping due to Topa is better than napping due to hangover well, thats what I keep telling myself.

My dad's still in ICU and still not eating fluids, we'll get back the cancer/not cancer report tomorrow. He is very agitated because he cant smoke but his lungs is filled with fluid after the operation and goddamnit, doesnt he realise where he is???

Hugs.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

testing

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Trying again -

Dizzy - glad your injuries are not too bad and hoping your dad will beat this thing!!
Mimi - I understand the evening cravings & "ahhhhhhhhhh" feelings...so well!!
WTE - I know you! I actually think you may have the better habit never to rarely getting too drunk. Most of us seem to wait til the afternoon/evenings and cram it all in. But I dunno...it's all too much. How do you manage it in the mornings when you are working? Do you keep a glass on your desk...?? That's what I'd find hard to do - just wondering.

I don't know how any of us manage, except that I do find real strength and help and comfort here. I may not be on TOPA again yet, but I sure do think more seriously about my drinking when I am on here talking with other women who are concerned too. I think about Whitney and how she slipped away...granted her drug use was pretty profound, but she was intoxicated on something and slipped under the water. How easily that could be me...remind me never to bathe drunk alone! lol (but not really)

Anyway - I am turning 59 this summer and seeing so many subtle changes in my physical and mental game. I wish I was a "drink the calories" kinda gal...but I love to cook and altho I keep it lo-carb and healthy, I have an appetite! I've seen my weight creep up 10 lbs in the last couple of years - I know I look pretty good for my age, but it KILLS me!! I know it's all wine calories!! UGY/BLAh!!!! Have not worried or been concerned about my weight until last couple of years & HATE IT!!!!!

TOPA, I wish would be my salvation on at least those 2 main levels...I'll keep y'all informed. Also wish I'd find a nice man to date!!! LOL That's another thing - I've gotten so used to being alone and thinking "who the fuck cares if I do this or that..." I just do whatever. Not good thinking - could lead to a weight gain and uncontrolled drinking. REALLY, I ask myself??!! I know. Ugh - don't even get me started on my celibacy... "Dear God, please: let me control_________, help me lose______________, and help him find _me_!!

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hallo everyone - I am back. Gosh - lots going on on the thread - how lovely - well, not lovely 'cos of lots going on, but you know what I mean. I am somewhat jet lagged but need to sit and read it all properly!

Dizzy - how awful about your fall - gosh, that must have been scary and must have HURT! I know what you mean about not being drunk but if you hadn't been drinking it possibly wouldn't have happened! Also sorry about your dad too - he will be in my prayers! How old is he?

Mimi - as Houtx said, I understand the evening and the need for a drink - I have wondered if I just like that feeling of the buzz - like you I wondered if it is an escapism for me - then I wonder 'escape from what?'. I have a great life and have no need to escape from anything but do love that buzz.

Houtx - I too love seeing your posts - I stay logged in on my computer and have never lost a post due to being logged out but now and then if I am writing a longer post I will 'copy' so that if I do lose the post I can paste it again. I might lose a little but would still have some of it. I did drink when I was in UK but not a lot - couple of glasses of wine each evening. I don't really like wine and laughed when I read WTE post about the box of wine that tastes awful! But can't drink Guinness any more so that is my choice. Now I am back I am trying to go AF again.

WTE - wonderful on your AF days!! I took 2 tsp of the L-Glut in about an inch of water and took it even if I didn't have cravings - hoping to stop them before they started, and it worked - I had no cravings at all. I was taking 2 tsp 3 times a day EVERY day. And would have taken a 4th dose had I felt it necessary. I took some with me to UK (wondered if customs was going to stop me asking what the white powder in the baggie was!!) but for some reason totally unknown to me, did not take any - stupid really. Anyway I think you are doing really well. The tiredness might be from being AF and your body trying to sleep without the help of AL. It does take a while to get the body back to some sort of normalcy!

I am sure I am missing someone or something - sorry - my head will take a few hours to work out the right time and stuff! But it is good to be back. I know we can all do this!! I know I can and am going to put my heart and soul into it.....YET AGAIN.

Love and hugs to all,

Sun XX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Houtx, thanks for the kind words. I think you are taking a step in the right direction. I think that its easy to ignore the elephant in the room and just drink more and pretend its not there. Now I'm no AA'er but I agree with their first step - Willing to be able to admit you have a problem. Don't know about you but otherwise I'd rather be hanging out at sugardaddy.com Hahaha, who was that that suggested the site earlier in the thread?

Sunshine! Would you believe me if I told you I missed you? I know you hardly know me but from reading your back posts I got used to hearing from you and therefore I did miss you. Its easy to get derailed on holiday and at least you're ready to get back on track now that you're back home. How was the UK?

My dad is 65, still in ICU and still waiting for results to come back on the cancer/non-cancer. He is on lots of morphine and drips but at least he's stable and as comfortable as he can be under the circumstances.

I wish I could take L-Glut but it gives me the most awful headaches. The Topa works really good for me on 50mg at the moment though, so I'm lucky in that regard though.

My lip is healing nicely and it gave me a good enough scare into today being my first AF day in a year. The rest of the week and perhaps month will also be because I've had Antabuse for the last couple of days. Well I went out for sushi with a friend and I had a much nicer time than I had in ages, so BS to needing wine to have a good time. (And thanks Topa for taking that god awful monkey off my back for the evening) :alf:

Hugs to all.

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I posted about a month ago. Here is my update. PDr. Rxd Topamax 75mg 3x a day. I insisted on brand name, as I read other forums about generic verses brand. It's spendy, but don't want to risk anything at this point. I set up mail order to make it more affordable for future refills.

Started 25mg on 3/7. Stayed at this dose for one wk. Started 50mg on 3/14. It has been two weeks. I have reached efficacy. No cravings. Very tired, but also had flu last week. May increase to 75 mg if I feel cravings returning.

I take the 50mg b4 bedtime as it helps me sleep & also helps prevent some of the sleepy daytime side effects. If I do need to increase dosage to 75 mg, I plan to take that extra 25mg during the day. My pills r 25mg. I had the PDr. rx this way so I would have better control over dosage.

This is how Topamax worked for me back in 2007-2008. I wished I never ever would have quit taking it! I basically have been drunk off & on, mostly drunk since quitting Topamax. I have a 30 + yr history with alcohol abuse. I've tried everything else that I could think of except other addiction meds & in patient re-hab.

That would have been my next step. Tho I knew/know deep inside that to would have failed without proper medical treatment for my brain. I'm so thankful that we are starting to see a culture shift in the US not sure about the rest of the planet, but do hope the world wakes up soon & catches up with what technology has already proven. Addiction is a brain disease. Not everyone needs medication, but this alcoholic does.

I'm grateful to RJ, Dr. Garcia & the many other Dr's, Scientists who are making not just Topamax studies possible, but other medications & studies available. Whether they r approved or off label, available to help those of us & our families that suffer with addiction possible to live quality lives. Thank you!

I'd like to add I sleep better & my anxiety, racing thoughts, restlessness is much improved with Topamax, just like b4. I feel calmer more relaxed. I have no cravings for alcohol. B4 they were horrible! They were far beyond just something emotional,mental, or spiritual. They were true physical cravings!

The side effects for myself r pins & needles in hands & feet tho not extreme, food, beverages taste weird. Maybe I will lose some weight. Did lose about 10-15 lbs last time on 75mg, but also was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism back then. That would just be a nice added benefit.

With more sober time under my belt, I plan to work on other areas of my life to strengthen my sobriety. As I know from experience that just getting the physical cravings under control will be half the battle to winning the war against the beast. The emotional & spiritual part of this journey is to follow. Along with continued physical healing. Day 10 of sobriety & feeling hopeful & thankful.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Wildflowers - what a positive post. I'm really glad you're doing so well. You should check in more often for some moral support from the ladies :l
:goodjob:

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there!

Dizzy - what a kind thing to say! Yes, it is easy to get derailed while on holiday but I am back and have been AF the two evenings I have been back! And plan on staying that way too. It was great to see my mum and sibs - my brother is going AF too - he is the one that I usually do this with!! Have you had the test results back yet from your dad? At least these days it isn't a death sentence like it used to be. Hopefully even if it is cancer, they can manage it......... prayers coming your way :l I feel for you though - my dad died from cancer (not colon) and it was SO hard. Positive thoughts - just put them out there. I had some antabuse in my drawer for years and finally ditched it and am now wishing I hadn't but am not sure I would have taken it anyway - it scares me !! LOL Anyway, pleased you are doing well - I need to take the L-Glut again I think - once someone said it gave them headaches I began to wonder if it was giving me headaches and I never get headaches so I decided I was imagining it. So far my two evenings have been fine - no cravings at all.

Wildflowers - a great post and I know exactly what you mean about wishing you hadn't stopped the Topa - I have been there and done that - I think most of us have. anyway glad you are back on the path again. I too got the pins and needles although never do these days - sone days it would be so fierce that it felt as if someone was sticking knives in my feet but I would rather have had that than have the AL.

Just noticed the time - have to get to work.

love and hugs to all,

sun XX

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning All!

Dizzy Bee: Thinking about you and your Dad and hoping things are moving along in positive ways ….

To answer your question, the last Topa “licked in”: for me was at Day 13, I was taking 50 mg in the evening only and I think was coming down with a flu or something (or just had drank way to much too many days in a row) Anyways, I just all of a sudden was able ro pass that liquor store for the 1st time in in YEARS and YEARS! A few days late I moved up to 25/50 and I stayed the next few weeks and either AF or 1 or 2 glasses – one night having one sip and tossing it put!

It’s Day 15 for me today, and while I don’t feel that same way, I THINK something is starting to happen again ….

Houtx! Great to hear from you! Hell – I’m not sure if being an all-day sipper IS any better than a slam it all down in the evening type drinker. HA! And YES! I can keep a glass of wine on my desk. Sheezzz. Remember, I own my own business, don’t have to be in my shop everyday (although it’s good for me to be so!) and there is only one small tiny corner “cubicle desk area” (mine) that is pretty tucked away. No one (clients) can see I have a glass of wine on my desk. At special events for clients and at the end of holidays with the staff we break out the champagne for all … it’s THAT type of business.

My staff doesn’t seem to think anything of it as they all know I get up at 400 AM or so, don’t see me drink much and I guess they figure that “my happy hour” just starts a bit earlier and I am never tippy. I never drink in the mornings at the shop – that’s my bad habit when I am home office for the day *sigh*

And Houtx – Right behind on the age thing. 58 here this summer Yuck. I used to love to cook, but these last few rounds of broken heart stuff and not dating any one has just taken the wind out of that sail. It’s just not fun or interesting to me anymore to do it alone. Thankfully, this past week I feel a bit more like eating so hoping not to end up in trouble like that one time. Funny about Topa and weight – one person fights to lose the weight and some of us fight to not look like we are anorexic!

As for the guy thing … all I can say is UGH. SOOOOO hard at this age and I also blame AL and my lack of just not having as much get up and go (and joy) as I once did …

Sun! Welcome home! I am sorry that you must have mis-read my posts because I have NOT been AF since September of 2010. *sigh* That’s when I went to Greece and all went to chit again.

Thanks for your advice on the L-Glut dosage. I have not been taking it quite that often, but will slowly try more and more as I still am fighting the cravings. Some days/times worse than others!

Wildflower: What a wonderful post – thank you for sharing! I wish we all had DRs that could support us in that manner. Congratulations! And now that you know what works for you – what will you “maintenance” dosage be?

So on all of those above notes, yesterday was a touch better for me. I had interviews all morning long – hate that part of my job! And then bought a bottle of wine, had a glass and half or so and headed home a bit early. Dropped of the dog (he goes to work with me) and then to the hairdressers. I have this damn photo shoot coming up this weekend and I look like Mag the Hag’s ugly sister Claudine! HA! I took a glass of wine with me so knew when I got home I would have about 1 glass left – only. And I drink about 8-9 glasses a day.

So I spotted a wine store right down from my hairdressers and had plans that I would pop in before I headed home. I totally forgot and was halfway home (and nowhere near a store when I remembered that I forgot to buy wine). Could I do it? Only drink 4 glasses in a day? I could always call my pizza guy as he delivers pizza and will deliver a bottle of wine with it! LOL Bad girl!

But instead I came home about 5 PM, took the dog for a short walk, napped (AGAIN!) and when I woke poured that final glass of wine and sipped at it the next few hours. Thankfully it was close enough to bed time that no way was I going to go to the store or order a “pizza” and so I was able to “chart” 4 glasses for the day – half of what I have been drinking daily forever! Didn’t feel too bad and not surprise that I feel a bit perkier this morning because of it.

I’ve decided to increase to 25/75 beginning today. I feel like I may be on the “verge” of something here. I don’t get so tired of a feeling when I am at the shop and distracted with work – although I drop to the sofa as soon as I walk in the door!

So I ask the question to ALL of you that have seen success with Topa, with strong moderation or being AF: What dosage were you at and what did you stay on to maintain and slip back away into this deep dark hole? I feel REALLY determined this time around and if I can make it I never want to be back here EVER again!

Hugs to All!

WTE

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Back in 2007-08 I was AL free for 7 1/2 months, the longest since my late teens. Minus my two pregnancies. I'm 49.

My maintenance dose then was 75mg. When I tried 100 mg I was too much of a Zombie. Besides @ 75 I had reached efficacy.

I feel I've reached this now @ 50mg. The first wk 25mg then this last two wks 50 mg. I have no cravings for alcohol. Tho this may change over time. I have felt very tired which I know is part of the side effects along with alcohol withdrawal, getting old, hormones, etc. I may increase another 25 mg over the next two wks if needed. Time will tell. Have to see PDr. every two wks for 15 min appt.

I wanted to add that when I drank on topa in 2007 - 08 the 1st two-three wks I was able to get drunk without the pleasure effects. The PDr said that this is one of the added benefits as it also blocks the dopamine receptors, aka pleasure center area in ur brain. Well of course I had to test it out this time too. Same thing no pleasure. So why bother. It also taste like crap now. Besides alcohol hasn't been my friend for many years now!!! So my goal is AL Free! Tho I support any ones goals. I know how hard this journey is for many of us! There r so many paths, forks, holes, roads, turns, stops, starts, runs, walks, crawls, etc!

Yes, I do feel fortunate that the PDr. I saw a few years back is still in practice it's a bit of a drive to another city, but it's worth it. I tried calling every PDr. in my Ins. net work & not a single one of them will Rx off label or isn't taking new patients. My own GP won't Rx have been going to him for 15 yrs. he wouldn't even give me Campral in 2006 when FDA approved it. I think this may be the year I look for a new GP. Never felt like he cared about me!

I've been having really bad chest pain that go's thru my back for quite some time. I finally was seen by a cardiologist, had a nuclear scan, echo cardiogram last month. Then went to Gastro Dr. this month, had ultra sound abdomen, chest x-ray, & CT scan with contrast. These have all come back normal. I'm going in this coming Tue for my 1st Endoscopy. I'm scared! I'm grateful all these other tests have come back normal & that we have good medical Ins!!!

This is what can happen with years of drinking & smoking ciggies. I just have to stop! I pray it's not to late!

PS. Dizzy I will be praying for your Dad!

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

So many good posts from everyone! Let me see fi this one goes thru and then I'll get more verbose! lol