New here and starting Topa and with a question

[mimi911]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I am so glad that it is today and not yesterday.

My hubby is the gardener around here. Our yard looks like a park because of him but people come over and compliment me on MY flowers all the time, lol. 2 years ago I asked for a little piece of concrete patio to put a picnic table on and ended up with an outdoor kitchen, 65 yards of stamped concrete patio and then last year he added a swimming pool with a bathroom laundry room that is right by the pool. Now it's like living at a resort.

So you see even though he made a huge mistake he is a good man and a great provider and my drinking is worse than his affair because he stopped that but my drinking has continued.

Yes, Dizzy there is probably a little resentment buried deep inside but I truly have NO interest in sex at all. I wondered if the topa had something to do with that as well. Hm, something to consider. I think it's a combination of lack of hormones, age and mental.

I am tired of alcohol taking over my life, I am tired of the guilt and I am ready to string some serious days together.

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning! (Well it is for me anyways!)

Space: YES – Put juice with your powder vitamins for certain! And really, in the blender with some fruit and it tasted like a smoothie I bought somewhere! The frozen berries I put in were a combo bag of strawberries, raspberries and blueberries – so that’s why it had no green color! I’m going to try some fresh strawberries I bought as well and add a bit of ice to keep it “thick” and smoothie like and I put it in a big smoothie sippy cup so it looked and tasted great! The Original I used to “shake” in the shaker that came with it with OJ and it never mixed up right and it was wicked. So like you, I hated trying to drink.

Wild! Hi there! I had never heard of sinus stuff being an issue and don’t remember it either from long ago on Topa and yet am having it a touch this time around. But it is Spring here and I just put it down to that and normal allergies. Interesting …

Glad to hear your tests came out well – although how scary to be fighting cravings again. UGH. But also please remember that the “tiredness” thing does seem to fade again in time for most – just a pain to go through! Shezz .. I am taking 2-3 hour naps and them sleeping another 8 hours or so!

And CONGRATS on your one month anniversary!!! You give me inspiration! I still have not figured out my final “goal” – but I know I am already in a much better place than I was 6 weeks ago (at least where AL is concerned).

Ruby – Thanks for popping and giving us update from Sunny! I too would love to hear about your journey on Topa!

Mimi – You poor sweet thing. That’s a boat load of stuff to endure in a tiny time slot. No wonder your world went upside down! And no wonder it’s difficult to be intimate with hubby again right now. I’m sure you’ve thought of counseling? Forgot who mentioned it, but you do need to find that friendship/ trust back first as sex so much about being able to feel “vulnerable and safe” with your partner. Perhaps starting back off with having a few “date nights” with NO sex planned – just close conversation and warm times? What do I know? I’m not sure how I would do with all you have been through.
Hugs for being here and making a fighting effort to get back on track!

I lost the two most important people in my life 16 years ago, exactly 6 months apart from one another. My sister, 2 years older than me who died of Lung cancer in 9 weeks. And my life partner of Lou Gehrigs in 13 months. It certainly spiraled my drinking out of control, although I think I was already headed down that slippery slope with my Dad being an alcoholic and also having a very addictive personality – it just escalated it. When my sister was still alive we both had begun to talk about how we would open a bottle of wine while cooking dinner only to discover that we had drank most of it by the time dinner was ready – and had to open a second one to serve with dinner. I suspect, had she lived – we would be in the same boat about now. This damn thing is SO progressive it’s insane! It wasn’t too many years after they died that I was trying to hold the line at 2 bottles a day! But that was sipping from AM to bed so I just always had that wine buzz going and never a fall down drunk …

Houtx! Always great to see you and SO happy you are really considering jumping back in! Check Amazon for the L-Glut! And you will cutting and pasting in no time! Whoo Hoo!

Play: So good to hear from you and that the bay is doing well! Also wonderful to hear that you getting ready to join us again on the Topa Train son. I think I speak for all when I say thank you for your good wishes …

**Humming** Topa, Topa Cabana … The Hottest Spot Spot North of Havana … HA!

Dizzy! Dog picture was funny – looks WAY too familiar! HA!

As for the All-One, too soon to tell how it “feels”, but it sure tastes great as the other was AWFUL to try and drink.

Yep – I’m going to stick to my 50/50 dose until I feel a bit more energy and balanced and able to get more food down easier. This dose seems to being just fine for my goals at the moment so I’ll stay here. Have not weighed myself for over a week so should do that this morning. UGH.

I do have a good GF I can chat with and she is also my sushi buddy. She drinks and can party a bit, but not out of control. And another good thing about being around her is she just quit smoking! So there is more good motivation. I told her the other night I was trying to drink less wine, although I don’t think she had any idea how much I had been drinking.

And thanks for the progress reward! When can I expect my little gold star in the mail? HA!

So a weird day yesterday. All dressed for work and ready to head out the door and I get a call from my shop. I went through a very ugly quit / almost fired a chick back in February. Weird situation where over the past year she went from being one of best employees in the 18 years I have owned my shop to being downright wicked. Bad attitude, spreading rumors behind peoples back, I started getting calls about her driving (she’s a delivery driver and asst), etc. It was just weird. I used to feel really close to her and tried to do all kinds of “nice” things for her because I knew her and her family were struggling a bit. We chatted when it started – seems her husband had been going out to a bar where his Ex GF worked. My employee is a recovering alcoholic with less than 2 years under her belt, yet her husband drinks at home all the time. The Ex GF issue really got under her skin. Long story short – it became evident that she was determined to get fired so she could collect unemployment from me. It got really bad at the shop – and stressful and all came to a head at the end on Valentine’s Day. Big rant, in front of all the staff – I was leaving the next morning and told her we would discuss it when I returned.

I decided to take her off driving, gave her a final written warning, cut her hours and prayed she would quit. That would mean she could not collect unemployment. And so that was round one and she was denied benefits. The call I got yesterday from my Asst was that in fact she filed an Appeal. *sigh* And the Court Hearing is next Tuesday at 8:00 AM downtown! This, here in the US is the day before Professional Administrative Day, a BIG day for us. Her claims against me are SO outrageous that they make my blood boil! And she has been rounds of phone calls to my entire Team asking them to write statements to effects that they have witnessed such things as me grabbing her by the arm and holding her to yell at her, make her walk my dog and clean up after it, would not allow her take lunch breaks, etc. STRESS! All but one employee I know have not answered any of her calls.

It’s a good thing there was no wine in the house yesterday morning! HA! So I ended up spending the day printing reports, gathering evidence, counseling with my attorney, trying to figure how to have my shop covered and be able to take 2 of my employees with to the hearing as witnesses. They are juggling scheduling kids to school, etc. It’s a mess. If she wins this, not only will I pay unemployment (not THAT big of a deal other than principle) but she could go on to file a civil suit against me.

Here’s the upside of the day. I managed to hold off until about 1:30 to drive to the store to buy wine. Poured a small glass – this stuff is just NOT hitting the spot anymore. I mean – and it’s hard to describe, but it just is not that “inviting” .. or something. I find if I have the glass in front of me on the coffee table or desk I tend to get up and refill it. If I leave it behind and have my water bottle there instead, I almost forget about it. I drank one glass and I am now convinced that the Topa / Wine combo increases my nap time BIG TIME. HA! What used to be a one hour nap are turning into 2-3 hour naps.

Fed the pup and took him for a walk and came and home and poured another glass and sipped at that for a few hours – not really even wanting it. It was “just there”. This morning I threw away another half bottle. Weird! Amazingly stressful day and a 2 glass day.

Well, now that I have bored you all to tears …I am off to the shower and shop! HA!

Go safe and hugs.

WTE

[rubywillow]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good morning, friends, and thank you for the sweet message, Dizzy. Yes, SunnyButt is a keeper. She's a very dear friend and just the same in person as she is here. I've come to count on her so much in my life, and miss her posting.
Anyway, this basically is me right now. I have 4 broken ribs and a broken wrist from a head-on collision with a Jack Ass Russell Terrorist, my Hubs dog, Satan (Sadie). I have a muscular disease so getting meds for me is as simple as asking, but it's not that way for so many, I know. And thats a shame. The lawmakers do not address AL use as seriously as others because the AL makers pay HUGE taxes and have powerful lobbyists in Washington. The ultimate cost in personal lives is ignored, as is the cost to tax payers who foot the bill for their care.


I've lost a half dozen friends in the last few years to AL. Suicide, health issues, other things. Have any of you ever researched 'wet brain'? I didn't think it was real to a friend here developed it. It is irrepairable brain damage that leaves a person in a near-vegetative state. She was a bright, sweet, lovely person who no longers recognizes her own children. One sweet woman visited me for a weekend and within weeks had taken her life, leaving 2 children. It changes you.
I'm sorry to be so graphic, such a downer. But this is the life of an alcoholic and you do NOT want it to be your future.You have a chance with all the knowledge, and the support of the people here. I never want to be the person I was. My low moment was waking in a drunk tank, sharing a nasty blanket with an insane little black woman who paced constantly. Luckily, it was a very small place, the people were angels, the sheriff gave me all the support he could. Besides my dignity and a lot of money, I lost my grandchildren in my life for nearly a year. What more could anyone do to me? Well, I could have killed someone that night, that's what, and I would have been dead within that year.
I vowed to try anything, everything. I went to rehab, to meetings, to therapists, took Baclofen and Antabuse, but Topa, which also helps my migraines, was my ticket out. Within days I no longer even thought about AL, except to to think, 'wow, how long has it been?' I don't count days, that depresses me and I forget to do it anyway.
YOU have to find YOUR way to get well. Nothing is worth sinking to the depths I was headed for. Within the last year I 've buried 2 schoolmates (from a tiny school) who succumbed to AL. So please, make a plan, and work it as if your life depended on it. It does.
Thank you again for the invite Dizzy. Hope this helped, didn't gross you out, but maybe scared the hell outta you.
Ruby

[mimi911]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Day 2 and planning on getting many more.

Worked out for an hour today and it felt awesome.

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh where 2 start. I may just go backwards as sometimes that's just how me ole brain works anyway. Plus I'm running out of free x once again.

Thanks Ruby 4 letting us know Mama Bird Sunny's Internet has fled the coupe. Thx 4 sharing ur story. Yes, it scared the crap out of me. I'm at a place of 30 + yrs of drinking. I'm already seriously scared. I've played all the games there r left 2 play & it's not a game at all 4 me. I've sipped all day, moderated some, fallen down drunk too. Almost died & done things I'd never do sober. I'm too old 2 kid myself anymore. I'm an alkie. I've hit every wall there is. I'm done running, hiding, pretending. I thank God for Topamax & this very supportive site!!!! It's very diverse & people r in varying phases. I feel like I've been in all of them except 6ft under or brain dead in the hospital. I don't want those to be my last two stops. I want to live now!.... Thus my goal is AF!!!!... I''ve had several 30, 60, 90, AF days. My longest was almost 8 months. It was the happiest most healthiest x in my life. My most AF time recently, was yesterday, 30 days again. It too me almost 3 yrs to get here again.

I'm sorry 4 ur Hubbies demon dog. I do love dogs!!!! Those Jack Russels can b a handful! I hope ur not suffering in pain too much! Please rest & heal quickly. Please when u feel up 2 it & have time, do come back & share more. R u still taking Topa? How long ? Ur dosage amount? How long have u been sober?

WTE: I'm sorry ur having 2 deal with such a nasty long term, now ex, self serving employee!!!... Crap more stress!!! Just remember it's she said, she said & without her having eye witnesses, which she has none, she doesn't stand a chance. But u do! The State will find in ur favor. I'm sending u positive energy & reduced anxiety when u go before the appeal board. Please let us know how it all turns out. Thinking & sending u good thoughts! ...

So glad to hear that ur reaching ur alcohol reduction goals!.... Yeah I know it's not easy, but ur doing it! I'm sorry you've lost ur Sis & Partner. It hurts!!!! There is always an empty place inside. That only time, lots of time will one day makes it easier. Time turns our pain into a different direction. Towards memories of happier ones spent with them.

DB: You r a Hoot! U make me LOL!!!.. Don't ever go away!!!! I love all these images, links & nutritional info u share. Plus ur so funny girl!!!. Yes, I know how to copy & paste. I was in a hurry & figured out what I did wrong. But, I'm glad u posted the tutorial as I need a brush up! I do think 4 now I will stay on the 50 mg. I think maybe W.T.E. is right, allergies could have been the culprit, but if those cravings start up I will increase 25 mg in am. PS. Thx 4 ur prayers!

Houtx: Yes we can copy & paste. I'm going to just type this in my e-mail then copy & paste. The simplest way is either highlite ur text, rt click with mouse, scroll down, to copy click then go to quick reply at MWO, Rt click with mouse scroll down click on paste. No the super old fashioned way is to hold down the ctrl button & letter c, this will copy ur words, then hold down ctrl button & v letter do it at the same time. This is if ur typing in ur e-mail. Now that I've thoroughly confused u go back to Ms. DizzyBee's instructions. LOL

Mimi911: I don't know what to add that W.T.E. & D.B. haven't already said. My heart hurts 4 u!!!! That is far 4 too much 4 anyone person to go thru in such a short period of time!!!!!.... I do hope u & ur hubby get some professional counseling. I know hormones & age can play a role in this, but don't underestimate ur pain. Let alone the trust issues with something this serious. Marriages can heal & survive this type of trauma! It usually takes a good counselor, time, effort, desire from both parties & work. It sounds like u both want this. I can only tell u from experience that alcohol is an escape from dealing with the real painful issues. It won't work forever.

I also agree sex, making love & f*cking start b4 the bedrm. Well maybe not the last one. As these all fall into there own category with variations. IMO, intimacy is better than all of it. But, I'm 49 & I've been married to the same guy for 28 yrs. We have also divorced ea other several times thru the yrs. Not literally, but u get the idea. Marriage is a roller coaster ride. It's not always pleasant! I agree go on a date night. No Sex. Maybe a kiss, or just holding hands 2 start with. Tho I still suggest counseling. My hubby & I went yrs ago. It helped. Tho we needed 2 go at other periods too & never did.

Spacebebe: Glad ur here & posting. Sounds like ur meeting some new goals as well. Congrats to U! Have fun planting ur new Crab Apple Tree Hope ur doggie doesn't dig it up. Check with Ms. DizzyBee she is investigating new ways to put a stop to these shenanigans. Oh I do miss my Lab everyday!... Hope ur enjoying ur new healthy veggie & fruity drinks. Glad ur reducing the Alcohol too. Keep at it.

We all just need to keep focusing on becoming healthier & happier. If we slide back a bit. We have ea other to lean on, encourage & lift up.

Namaste,

Wildflowers


:goodjob: Mimi911 You can do this!...

[rubywillow]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Flower, I'm not currently taking it regularly, and don't know the dosage, but it's there for me if I need it. Your so right on your path, it goes no where. There is only one answer for most peeps, and it's to find a way to NEVER drink again. Don't think in those terms, though. Think of today. And DON'T test the waters. There's a terrible undercurrent, and it will win every time.

[mimi911]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Wildflower, Dizzy, WTE, everyone else, thanks for being here. Thanks for all the encouragement. It's time for me to stop covering up the past with alcohol and work on these issues.

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Ruby, Thank you for answering my ???'s. Just one more ? When u have time. How long have u been sober? If u don't mind me asking.

I will heed your advice. I will not say that I will never drink again!... Oh my, how many times have I said that to myself, only to eat my words, to beat myself up to a point of throwing in the towel & literally becoming so ill. Oh how ignorant I've been. It can be a source of learning as well.

I've tested the waters so many, many, many times. I have no desire left to test the waters. I know from years of doing just that, how powerful those undercurrents are. I've almost drowned in them!...

I will not drink today. I will keep re-training my mind, my heart, my spirit, to think, to feel, to behave, in these terms. To not future trip!... That's all we have anyway, is today! None of us know if we will be here tomorrow. I hope I am. I have a better chance by staying sober today!

Thank you for your help!

Yes, Mimi911 it is! I'm so glad that u recognize this!

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi

There so much to read and think about, Mimi, I feel so much for you, you are dealing with so much but you will get through this, you are doing well, your drinking isnt worse than your husbands affair, they are totally different situations and your lack of sex drive dosnt give him the right to an affair unless you agree that it does. It is good that you are working at the marraige, a date night does sound good can you ask him about it, I think you should work on trying to get close in every way, maybe you could bake a cake together.

WTE, your employee has pissed me off and I dont know her, try not to worry, it is all she said, she said stuff with no evidence which no one will listen to. You will be fine, dont forget you are a superstar with gold stars

I have palnted my new plants and my tree, I looked up crab apples and it sems they are pretty useless as a food stuff, the only thing anyone seems to make from them is crab apple jelly whatever that is, but anyway the trees look very pretty and the apples can go on the compost if nothing else. I havent done much with myself today, I missed my womens group, I was in bed asleep but have planted my new things and baked some cakes.

I have drank my 2 cans of lager but after 1 1/2 I started wanting more (I have more there so I could have drank them I just dont want ot go above my limit) so I had some l glut and finished the can. I just want my hot milk now and to go to bed.

Im not sure if I told you I have tried my green stuff with cranberry juice, it is slightly more drinkable but I dont think anything will make this into a nice drink. I will just carry on having it for the health benefits it says the stuff I have made it up with has and gulp it down quick each day. After all if I think this is better than pills as its actual food even tho its in powder and vit tablets arnt a pleasure to take are they?, its not so bad that I cant get it down anyway,

xxx

xxx

[rubywillow]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

News, people. Just got the wonderful news today that my beautiful daughter is making me a Mimzy again, but now have learned our SunnyButt has had a stroke at work and is at the hospital. I'm trying to call, will update you later. Pray, people.

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh My Goodness! Sun! You hang in there! I have my wheel barrel FULL of prayers headed you direction already! This is gonna be a pimple for you - not even a bump ...

Ruby thank you for the update - and congrats on your good news , sweet news as well.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

You lost me @ #1. This is much too complicated! Seriously??

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sunny had a stroke??!! OH MY GOSH!! Just seeing this! Let us know - where is she? Wish we could do something!!

Mimi - in rereading my last post to you, I felt like I minimized what you were saying. I am so sorry for all the pain you suffered that brought you here, I didn't mean to imply it was just the one thing in marriage and not everything else. Forgive my being obtuse.

Congrats to everyone on their successes! So worried about Sunny, don't want to take attention away. Dizzy - thanks for the tutorial on cutting & pasting...UGH - too complicated!!!
Forget it!! :-))

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Too many things to comment here. Worried about Sunny!!

Dizzy, thanks for the tutorial about cutting and pasting, but you lost me at #1

WTE, so happy for you success!! Am motivated by you, girl! Sadly reminded of the losses in your life...it's a hard road we travel. Sad for all you've gone thru, but you are great, so upbeat and positive, living life well. Your employee is a bitch - you'll win for sure!!

So happy for the successes of Wflowers, Dizzy and so many others. Thx Ruby, for your post - yes, very strong and thought provoking! Thankful for all the support here - let's keep it up! Hopes and prayers to Sunny!!

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dizzy - you actually crack me up! Thanks for your "help" and all, but I seriously don't get it. Your posts are sooooo funny though!! So happy for you and your success and so entertained by your writing! UGH - I am dense when it comes to this stuff: "Open a Word Document" and blahblahblah...seriously??

What else...I dunno. My eyes glazed over. Thx tho!! Muddling on as usual...