New here and starting Topa and with a question

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all -
Again, so much from so many. I cannot begin to comment on everyone's posts, but I do love reading them all. Today, Wildflowers (WF) and Dizzy (DZ) - love your stamina and wise words. I am so inspired to get this demon under control. How is the AB going? That stuff scares me...so where do you normally order your TOPA from? DZ, from your doctor? I won't go thru a dr or my insurance again. I am going to try again this summer. School is grueling...can't add another stressor to that until June. Keep your fingers crossed.

No, I have not heard from grocery store man ("GSM") but I sure am glad I went for it. It was a fun little thing for me to do...and I knew worst case, I wouldn't hear from him, best case, I would. Someday my prince will come!

So I spent all day with my cousin and aunt #2 in my sick/alcoholic aunt #1's house cleaning out and packing shit. It is was pitiful the state they got themselves into. Aunt #1 was a clean freak in her day...her condo was so filthy. And my cousin suddenly was having a panic attack and wasn't letting us throw anything away. I was picking up shit like paper plates of pines cones and dead flowers in crappy containers and just throwing them in the trash bags. Cousin freaked and said, "She may want that!!"

OH MY GOD!!!! Eventually she calmed down and joined in the trash bag frenzy, but I was shaking my head and thinking of the profound craziness I was up against. It was nuts and will be for the next few weeks. I just feel the need to help as I am good at weeding out!! Been thru 3 moves in the last few years between myself divorcing and moving out, moving to a bigger condo last summer, and then cleaning out my ex's house with my 2 kids moving in with me 2 months ago.

Anyway...I am so happy to be back on this site too - love the stories and support. Soon I'll be adding my TOPA progress, I hope. Just not for a little while. My handle "houtx" is simply because I live here in Houston, TX. Not very sexy, but where I'm at, yo! :-)) Hope this flies!!
XO

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone

I have to run so this is a repost of what I write at the AF thread.

I will read and comment on the posts when I get back this arvi. Love you all.

Bf is still hurling attacks at me. I got SO angry and upset this morning or I should say last night. I thought he woke up at 7am but I think he never went to bed. But its enough now. He is really trying every angle that works now and it does - like hell. But from now on he can try anything, I will set up my email with an automatic response saying 'I receive this with love and I wish you happiness'. That should bore him after a while.

Off for some sushi and girlfriend talk. She's bound to drag all the gory details out of me but that's probaly a good thing as I don't share enough with my 'real life' friends. Then I have to make dinner for my parents who are ill. I'm hoping if I make a pasta dish I can convince my brother to take it over to them as I really don't feel up to visiting and talking to them about the bf too. I am only *so* strong.

Have a lovely day.

XOX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I would also love to respond to everyone but cant seem to get my head round it, I read the posts and then cant remember what I have read.

I am staying in today, again, I was supposed to be going to my mums but have put it off until tomorrow, I am feeling so tired and the weather here is awful, it hasnt stopped raining, there is a pool formed in my garden and if a little tiny animal came along say a mouse size it would be like a huge lake for it to cross!

I am feeling better than yesterday tho so thats good.

Dizzy will your brother take the food, I hope he does you are right you can only do so much especially with the bf being a dickhead, at least with him being far away he cant come knocking on your door going on.

I do hope you do start posting more play, I will have to read back to se what happened for you last time you did topa, I would like to get to know more about you

I didnt know you still had a doggy at home Sun, I have two dogs and they are about 7 now, I got them both as puppies so they are like a middle age married couple now, I think doggies do like doggie company and a new puppy will obviously not replace the lost dogs but will be lovely and I know you will give one so much love.

Once again I havent rpelied to everyone, but I am reading all the posts and send my love xxx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Okay - to continue with my post....

Houtx - I agree that GSM thing was a fun thing to do - shame you haven't heard from him though... maybe he was married! The cleaning sounded awful - what a mess! I so totally understand the not wanting to take the L-Glut and actually - heaven forbid - have the old body tell you you DON'T want a drink!!! LOl

Oh - just had a phone call - need to go out. Going to look at a sheltie puppy!!!

Back later everyone.

Hugs, Sun XX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I'm sorry you are feeling a bit diorientated Space. I wish I could be there for you more but I'm just too sad today.

Play, I think it would help all of us who werent here if you could write us a short summary. I'm hardly on top of my own life so although I'm very interested it may take a while before I can catch up with old posts.

Glad you are looking at pups Sun.:l

Lunch with my good girlfriend was good and I spilled all the beans. My little heart is breaking. I'm just going to make some pasta, send it off and then get into bed. :upset:

I'm trying to console myself with the fact that I only hear from him after 3AM and that it is very bloody close to this story:

The psychology behind the case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde - by William Remski - Helium

:h

[PolkaDot]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

G'morning all! Well, I guess that depends on where ya live and the time you are reading this post.
Wishing strength to those who are feeling blue.

Houtx - I read your story about GSM and I thought "Wow, what a gutzy Lady!". Heck I'd call ya just to tell ya so ;-) But Sun is right, he may have been married despite the fact that he was sans ring.

Sun - Did you get the new puppy? I live in a 2 hound house - an ancient 16 1/2 year old siberian husky and a 4 year old golden doodle. They are a handful!

Dizzy - I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. Wish I had some wise words for you but I do not yet know how to handle emotional pain well myself. Keeping you in my thoughts today....

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning all to sweet and funny buddies here …

I too have fallen just a tad behind here, although I’ve been reading but just haven’t had the time to post or haven’t felt I could spend the focus sitting here without a glass of wine to sip. ACK. Wine and the computer are SO connected so much for me for so many years! Baby steps in breaking old habits – so morning coffee it is and the sun is just raising over the hills …

Houtx – You just kill me! Looks like your posts are working these days ?! Yea!

Hey GF – Don’t start until your head is really into it. If summer is a better time- go for it then. I made the mistake in the past of not being ready to give it my all and it didn’t work. Topa can be SO damn subtle, and as we KNOW, it is NO magic bullet by a long shot. It helps, for some it seems more than others – but I believe that your mindset is a big part of as well. Get all your ducks in a row. Order your Topa and have it ready next to your L-Glut. Get some All-One or some other vitamins and supps. Make a plan – maybe set some slow goals like I am doing? I really have ended up “improving” faster than what I had expected, so am just going with the flow. For me, charting it is crucial. If I don’t count every drink I take, before long I am just looking at empty wine bottles and trying to figure out if I am slowing down or drinking the same. Plus, it encourages me along the way. And shit (can we say shit here?) since I started this 6 ? weeks ago (THIS IS SCARY!!!) I figure I have saved AT LEAST $626.00 !!!!! FRIGG! OK – Where is the closest Mercedes dealer??? HA!

I think in the big picture, you and I really drink in a similar pattern. You’re not a binge drinker either. You may drink a bit faster, but you also stay up much later than I do. If I am not out, I am sound asleep by 9 PM! HA! The again I am up at 4-430 AM. It’s just part of our everyday and like you said “it’s what I do” – drink wine daily.

And loved , loved, LOVED the grocery store guy story!! So keep us posted – heard anything yet ????? I did that one time at the beach here and left it on his beach chair when he went in the water. Little did I know he got out of the water - with a woman and 3 little kids! Yikes! HA!

Glad your Aunt has you to help - although it must be so tough on you. Sending you good thoughts and don’t forget to take good care of Houtx through all of this!


Mimi – How is/was the desert (other than the bit of over party time?) That’s only a few hours from me and I love it there as a great weekend getaway.

Don’t beat yourself up too bad about the slip – you are still traveling pretty steep terrain! I know when I went to Pala with “the girls” it was downright impossible to “hold any line”. And while I am still trying to mod, and never got drunk I TOTALLY missed any goal I had. Good thing we are allowed to pick ourselves up by our bra straps and get back on that horse!

Sweet Sun – I have thought of you every day and was SO pleased when I read that a new puppy is somewhere down the road in your future. No one will fill Ben’s shoes (paws?) – just like Ben could not feel Maggie’s shoes, but you have heart for dogs like I do and I think there would be a hole in your life if you did not at some point get another. But you are BRAVE to get a puppy! YIKES! I couldn’t do puppyhood all over again! One because I simply had forgotten how much work and time they take for the first 2 years but was reminded when my GF got a new puppy abot 6 months ago. And secondly because my dog goes to the shop with me every day so needs to already be a but trained and calmer and know to not jump on people, think that plants and flowers are things toys and things to rip apart, etc. HA! Ya know, there are many a rescue dogs that are only 1-2 years old out there! Just a thought. And pretty normal for the drink to come a calling pretty strongly at such times … in time we will ALL learn to deal without with stuff like this without it. Be gentle on yourself. Go plant something special in memory. I have two roses bushes planted in my garden for my sweet Kelly Girl and Chance Man, both of my Goldens I lost over the years at old sweet ages.

Oh Dizzy – The Universe is sure handing you piles of poop these days isn’t it? Testing you and perhaps helping you to look at things in a clearer view? So sorry the BF is being such a yo-yo and name calling? Sheeezzz. I feel for you and know you had such high hopes for all of this … but I will say it again: the answer will present itself to you. Perhaps it is already beginning to? Hugs! Housecleaning is never fun …

And Diz – I am so sorry I have not caught up on your gardening thread – I really have meant to! As I said before, there are just now becoming moments that I NEED to stay away from sitting at my desk other than the work I do. I SO enjoy writing and sipping and trying to a handle on that nasty beast but I promise to catch up with it!

I know nothing about the “other thread” but over the years have certainly seen some drama on different boards. Always makes me so sad. Like so many here – I love this group and feel safe here and supported so this is really the only thread I pop into.

Cracking up about the WTF / WTE! And “Who’s your Momma?” !!! OMG, I actually used that twice yesterday my head! Well, I added “bastard” to the end of it just to give it a touch more punch. HA!

Space! In so many ways I think our brains think alike! When you wrote that you had drank too much and almost typed you would not drink today – you “wanted to jump up and go to the shop” - that could have ME typing that! That is why I am trying to do this the way I am this time around. It just seems that whenever I totally deny myself – I want it 10 times more!

And, I know you posted about Topa SEs and being nervous about them, and I think that was addressed a bit – but just for the record I have almost zero. Other than the being a prime candidate for winning the Olympic Napping Competition every time I up my dosage, I am pretty much SE free. And – I DO NOT get it from my DR, but order from River. Flying solo here as I can’t have it on my insurance records.

Wildflower – I will chime in to say I adore your writing as well. And can relate as well to the heartbreak so many of have felt in losing our fur babies. I took had my sweet Kelly of 14 years put down at home and held her as that final shot was given and it was sweet and peaceful and almost beautiful to feel her out of pain. It’s the ones they must leave behind I believe that hurt the worst – she was finally free. Toward the end, she lost most of her hearing. Yet at my shop I sell these giant wind chimes that almost sound like church bells. When the winds would blow, she would raise her head – it was the last sound she could still hear. I brought one home and it still hangs in my garden. It takes a bit of a breeze to make it chime as it’s so large, but when it does it is a sweet memory of her and all the wonderful and fun times we had – like she is speaking to me to remember. You can call me loony too. HA!

PolkaDot! Please forgive my tardy WELCOME! As the others have sais, you have come across a wonderful group with toms if information and the thread offers so much in the way of support, as many others do as well.

Good on you for being up on the vitamins and supps! I couldn’t stay on top of all the tablets and pills and Sun finally convinced me try All-One and I have fallen in love with it! It’s this awful green looking powder, but I blend it (WELL- PER SUN Ha!) with strawberries, blueberries whatever berries I can find and sometimes banana and orange juice. I freeze the berries so when it comes out it’s all pink and icy cool and taste like a fruit smoothly and it’s all I need to take for the day. With exception of the L-Glut which I take 3 -5 times a day in powder form just to help with cravings. Always in the AM and then whenever I get an urge for a glass of wine and then wait 10 minutes and often find I can do without.

Play – Hang in there and sweet hopes from here for the precious baby and perfect health foo her future. And never worry about missing posting here for a bit – I think it happens to all of us from time to time for various reasons … just don’t be gone too long!

So all and all I’m still moving along slow and steady. And actually had one of those almost accidental AF days yesterday! HA! Had the day off and took Charlie to the dog park – he SO missing playing with other dogs as he’s SO social. I could have stopped on my way home to buy wine but decided to go back out later as I knew I would “start early” if it was in the house”. And I had some gardening and project plans and so spent the afternoon puttering. The wine called a few times and I ALMOST went to the corner a couple of times but took some L-Glut and started another little task, and took a nap in the mid-day heat, and then went back out to get a few tomato plants in the ground – I am WAY behind my normal schedule!

I won’t say it was a “breeze”, because I still thought of the wine “too often” and if it was here, I would have opened it. See, that is what I want to get past – not thinking about it so often. But soon it became 6 PM and then later and soon I knew I was home free and I wouldn’t go out – my 2nd AF day in over 1 and a half years without TOO much sweat.

My goal for my second “month” was to be averaging no more than 3 glasses per day and I am on track at mid-point in week three. Funny how I still “allow” myself 4 glasses of wine and end up drinking 2 or 3 or none!

It worked well the other day leaving that 1 glass in the bottle and leaving it in the frig. I think it was because I had to dash to work and I was not at this desk at home. And I did get the little bottles which are now a great measuring tool for me – as tacky as they seem even though I put a nicer wine in them. HA!

I’ve started working on my next month goals and “ultimate” goals because I just am not sure how I can move any further down at a consistent 2 glasses. Or rather – the thought scares me (?) Then again – when I started back up on Topa, the thought of going from 2 bottles a day to 2-3 glasses also seemed impossible!

These next two weeks will be a rough at the shop with Mother’s Day (in the US) on May 13th at the shop. Long hours and lots of co-ordination to be done, let alone a heavier than normal staff to stay on top of. But we will do fine! Will be finishing pre-booking from all parts of the world this afternoon!

So off top the veggie garden again and try and get that back in shape. The gophers are so far winning the war and Charlie has discovered them and I could now open a tree planting service with the size holes he is digging! I really need to fix my garden fence today! HA!

Hope everyone is has a peaceful day with at least a few smiles along the way …

WTE

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh, WTE, what you just said about sitting at the computer being connected to a glass of wine, that is me exactly. Even on the way home work I think about getting on my computer and of course there is a glass of wine in my hand, more than one of course. Just amazing how wired our brains get to a behavior that we have repeated over so many years. I can't really see a glass of "water, tea, juice or soda" in my hand, it's the wine, hmmmmmm, how long does it take to make a new habit, more than a month I know, a lifetime if it is the alcohol habit.

love, Play

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi DB,
I was just reading back in the posts like I do every now and again and came across your link for the Old Topa Thread, very interesting, wonder what has happened to all these people, I see a couple that I know from other threads, I find their reflections on Topa really right on, wonder what happened to make the thread stop.

Anyway, sending Love, Light and Joy to Everyone,
Play

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Houtx,

I understand about not going thru your doc for medications, here in the U.S. once it is on your record you are forever doomed. I get mine from River, they are really professional and reliable, takes a month but that's ok.

hugs, play

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning dahhhlings

OK, I'm going to be lazy and do a link here: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f6...ml#post1307465

I'm feeling better but this last PMS/Period thing has been rough. If anyone is squeamish about let, let me know and I will start a PMS thread - ha! I don't know if its the Topamax but I turned into a right little monster the last couple of days.

Of course bf was mean but I was just as mean back. :upset: But he started it, LOL. No, I'm not going to go there. We came to a Mexican standoff and have agreed to give each other space to calm down.

Yes WTF/WTE I mentioned you in the gardening one but I get that you need time. I really enjoyed your post yesterday. You are rocking it, momma! (TM) Our grey cat is also named Charlie, here is him undermining my gardening efforts:



He is named Charles as my brother has this thing of calling cats after the royal family. Tongue in cheek of course. So my previous ginger baby boy who was stolen/run over (he disappeared) was called Harry and this one is Charlie. My brothers ex who used to live here before me adoped Charlie when he was 3 weeks old and he had a bad bacterial infection. His one paw blew up to the size of an orange and she was nice enough to raise funds to save to poor little soul. Charlie is fine now and even manages to be the alpha male in the house even though he is smaller and he walks with a limp. The dog is a bit of a wuss and even though my cat Max is much bigger and stronger and a big hunter, he seems to understand that Charlie was here first and lets Charlie win most play fights.

Hey Polkadot, how are you feeling today?

Sunny, do I hear the patter of little itty bitty feet yet?

Play, I was tempted to resurrect that thread but I think I will need a couple of people and besides we may as well just discuss it here as it is a Topa thread, with a whole lot of Oprah mixed in. What I mean is we talk about Topa but we also talk about the most important bit, our lives and our feelings. Drinking pills alone won't fix us. I'm learning that healing our 'stinking thinking' is just as important.

Feeling any better, Space? Is it a public holiday in the UK?

Lots of hugs and love to everyone, especially if I managed to forget about anyone.

XOX

PS: For those who need a little extra cheering up this morning. Here is a video of a mommy cat hugging a baby cat who had a nightmare. It is fluffalicious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzgpeLFf4z4[/video]]Cat Hugs Baby Kitten Having Nightmare - YouTube

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all,

Ive been thinking a bit about the changes in me that have happened over the years of my trying to stop drinking, a funny thing is I cant sit down at my laptop without a cup of tea!!! so habits do change without us even noticing. I sometimes look at my clock and find it hard to imagine the days when I would have been waiting for my local shop to open at 8am or 10am to get a drink, I would have been pacing around the house just waiting for that shop to open in desparation and yet now I dont even think about it. Even now I drink lager of an evening I often forget to buy it, I just dont think about it, my brain has been slowly rewiring itself, as my habits have slowly changed. I think of it like water trickling through the earth, a tiny little bump or grain can change the direction either way, the ways we dont want when I became addicted but just the same tiny bump can start it flowing back the good way again.

xxx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all - once again, have been remiss about posting - can any of you give me a synopsis on how everyone is doing? I am finding it overwhelming to try and catch up!! Yes diz- we do have a new puppy - I will send you some pics - fen posted them for me on the journey thread as i cannot post pics - yes I know I should learn and one day I will! When I have time. I think all the planets were lined up as the first chap I spoke with just happened to be the fouinding member of the rescue society where I had originally got ben - go figure! He knew of a breeder 20 mins from home where they had a female left in their litter who is 4 months old and ready to go...... Couldn't believe it - and the rest is history!! will send you the pics before I leave for work today.

I haven't been doing very well drink wise - way too much going on in my life to have even think about cutting down. NO excuses at all, and I need to get my act together. starting now. I have been drinking way more than I usually do and do not feel good for it. My life should be back to usual now and I need to get back to normal and try to get cut back down with an aim to quittting. SIGH. Life has it's way of throwing curve balls as all of you know. Anyway, I have two Guinness in the fridge so that is it for tonight. Won't buy any more for this evening. will only get a four pack for tomorrow - my day off. And so it goes. Sorry this is all about me. Am off tomorrow and have no appts, just me all day, although hubs is off too. I think the ground is way too wet to even think about getting out in the garden, but I might get some seeds out and throw some dirt on top of them.

Need to get ready for work and also send Diz some pics of Katie.

Love and hugs, Sun XX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

The Most Beautiful Girls in the World

Introducing...

Drum rolllllllllllllll...

Her highness, the most glorious: Katie



And I think our princess Daisy is an absolute beaut too!



PS: Ahem, I will also post two photos for any of youse guys who will in turn let me teach you how to do it yourself.

PPS: Do you notice anything different about my mood WTF, I mean WTE? Ha!

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

THANK YOU DIZ!!!!

I would like to point out that the one with the flowers was NOT posed - she plonked herself down by them - and then proceeded to start eating them - or as fen on another thread corrected me - she was 'pruning' them for me - LOL !!!! Then she got into my raised beds and started to help me weed - even though there were no weeds - I shall have to teach her the difference between weeds and veggies!!

Off to work - thanks again Diz and I really will try and learn to post pics - I will go back to your tutorial and try and post some of my own!!

Have a great day everyone,

love and hugs, Sun XX