New here and starting Topa and with a question

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Dizzy how awful, do you want to talk? you can pm or email me if you want Im in for a while xx:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I hope you find the support you are looking for Wildflowers and get strength you need. Good luck xx

Charlie will be home now with his cone head, the poor thing. One of my dogs had to have one and he never got the idea that he couldnt do things ans just kept on bumping into the same places over and over again.

Two weeks until you go to Spain Play, are you looking forward to it? I loved what you wrote... hang on here it is

And I totally believe that the Universe send every "thing" and "person" into our lives for a reason, for us to learn from and with, and we certainly have those opportunities here with each other, how fortunate and blessed we are."

I never think like that, I mean I know how fortunate we are to have this place to be together and get to know and help each other and when I its presented in front of me the way you have about the Universe sending things and people to us it sounds wonderful, I just dont think of it. I bought a book that Bruun recommended to me A Path with Heart, written by some buddhist guy but I couldnt get into it.

I dont think about people reading on here and anomymity, I dont think I post any stuff that would be used to harm me or my family and dont think others do either. I really dont think someone would post for months or more on here just to win my confidence to get my email address so they could use things against me but then I dont work or have health insurance. Maybe if I was worried about those things it would be different.

Hi Sun, Im still struggling around 4 cans again last night, this is becomming a habit with me. What are your plans, do you want to stop drinking or keep it at 2 guinnes or what. Its tricky because Im n a different med from the rest of you so I cant compare whats happening with that, but I know this 4 cans every evening is not good. 1. because its not good for my health and 2. because I know some nights if there was more there I would stay up and drink them. A few weeks ago I was just having 2 and feeling tired and not wanting more just wanting my milky drink then bed. I dont know whats changed but I dont like it.

Im sorry if I have left anyone out.

Love to everyone x


EDIT: I have just thought on about what I wrote about anonymity, I would be devastated if my family read this, and that is the sort of thing my daughter may well do. That worries me a bit sometimes because she could easily recognise me. but I need this place too much so I have to take that risk. I hate it when she visits and asks to use my laptop because MWO is always on recently closed list.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning All,
first off dear Wildflowers, thanks for your comments but I'm sad that you can't continue to be part of our site, but I do know that you must do what you need to do to put your mental and physical health first.

I know we are all at different places along our path, and for me what I really want is to be free of the torture of the cravings, other than that I don't know if it means absolute abstinence or a drink occasionally or a drink every day, but I do want to be free of thinking about it every day and in the end I recognize that it might mean absolute abstinence, but time will tell.

One thing I love about our thread here is that alot of the time is is light-hearted and uplifting and I believe helps us keep our spirits up which is a great thing for me to look forward to each day.

I occasionally try to read a little on the other threads especially Space's thread but I just don't have time to post on them and keep up with people so I concentrate on this one. I do consider the regulars here my dear friends, real life friends, I hope to meet them one of these days, they are a blessing in my life, and like I said to Space, sometimes I think maybe one good thing that has come from this AL addiction is the group of friends that I have made here who would never have come into my life otherwise.

I'm not super worried about the total anonymity issue, I don't want it known at work, that is the biggest issue, but there are probably co-workers on here somewhere if I look hard enough (LOL), I also will not just give out my email to people here who I have just met for a post or two, I do want to establish a mutual level of trust and friendship just like in any friendship. But it is not in my nature to be untrusting and in the end it generally turns out to be the best way for me to go as I tend to have a good intuition about most things.

Space when I first started on MWO and started the Topa, it was just before Christmas and my son was visiting and that was the first time that he and I really started being honest with each other about our AL problems.

(Alcohol in our family has been a devastating issue, ex-husband alcoholic gets drunk every night and causes a scene when he is around, son is alcoholic now dealing with it, me alcoholic now dealing, daughters are good LOL.)

My son had a problem since he was in high school and would never address it, I had one for the last 15 years, well last christmas when he and my ex-husband were here visiting (whole family get-together) I just started telling my son how much my drinking had become such a problem and how I had joined a forum where I was talking with other people.

He thought it was interesting and asked me questions and it went from there that he was tired of his drinking also and a whole new relationship sprang up between us, it was actually quite miraculous regarding this issue.

He had 2 DUIs, etc., my ex-husband is an alcoholic, my son lives with him, it's a mess, so for my son to want to deal with his problem is a miracle, anyway, he doesn't read these posts, but for me, it dawned on me that even if he did ultimately read this I know that he would be so proud of me because he now knows what I am going thru.

I am not saying that your daughter would feel the same way, I don't think she has the same problems that my son has had, but only that sometimes even a family member can accept that we are only human and forgive us. I have always denied to my children the severity of my AL problem and still do to my daughters except they know that I have all but stopped drinking now because they see it, but my son does know almost the extent of it.

Dizz, what in the world happened with BF? what kind of RC session, Skype? Phone? did you guys argue or what, oh I'm really really sorry, I want you both to just have some good time together, you have to have some good times to put in the memory banks, I wish you weren't so far apart right now it might help, it's awfully difficult to be so far away and go thru these these things. Please check in as soon as you find the energy to write.

bye for now and love to you all,
play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning everyone

Diz - I am so sorry about last night and b'f. Lorry loads and love and hugs to you - you know we are all here for you when you want/need to talk - or not - which ever. :l:h Hope you feel better soon.

WTE - Thinking of Charlie today. My Maggie had to have some surgery and had one of those but eventually I took it off and she didn't bother where her surgery had been - good job as she had the bandage on for three weeks! So maybe Charlie won't need the cone on - you could maybe try him? It was good that they could do all three things while he was under for the one thing....that was one blessing from this.....

Wildflowers - it was lovely to see you here again. Of course you should just pop in when ever you want to - no thread is exclusive and we would love to see you whenever you can pop in - I do understand about wanting to be around those who have differing views on what you need re the end journey re AL. I have been trying to quit AL for so long - but haven't tried very hard if I am honest with myself. Anyway - once again - lovely to see you again and please keep popping in okay?? And good luck with whatever you aim to do re your journey :l

Play - hallo there dear friend - yes, I do understand wanting to be free from the torture of the cravings. I ended up having 5 Guinness last night - WAY over my usual amount and way over what I like to have. My neighbour came over and of course I offered him one and we sat outside and chatted - and drank...... hells bells - I was so cross with myself. Still am and feel very low this morning. I don't think I am EVER going to be free of this darn beast. Of course I am not taking the L-Glut nor the Kudzu so am playing with it once again. Why do I do this?

Space - my plans...... I suppose if I am really truly honest with myself, I would like to QUIT !!!! To not have the cravings and to quit. To not just have the two or whatever. I am so down today it is unreal...... All due to last night. Didn't want to get up today - nothing to do with not feeling well or anything - just due to feeling low. Wanted to stay under the duvet. So I suppose that is the answer to your question.... what do YOU want to do??

Yes, I totally agree with what Play says about being sent the right folk at the right time, and so I believe that we are sne those we need to hear from for whatever reason. So thank you all

Struggles and Mimi - where are the both of you? I am worrying....... can you please post - just a one liner would be good......

Oh - the stuff with daughter - I did e-mail her back - did a lot of thinking about it and prayed for the right words - but have not had a reply as yet. There are TWO sides to everything and I don't think she has seen that. I read and re-read it before I sent it - wrote it even before ONE Guinness - LOL - and re-read it this morning too and am quite happy with what I wrote. We shall see......

Yes, WTE - I do understand the boss stuff - one has to tread a fine line between being TOO friendly and letting them know that you are still the BOSS!!!

I am sorry that I haven't got into the list stuff yet for the lending - I promise I will - just so much other stuff going on right now. Youngest daughter has set me up - again - with a face book account but I haven't finalized it yet - still not sure that I even want to so haven't finished it and it isn't there. I had one a long time ago and cancelled it. I really don't know if I can be bothered - it seems to me that it is ONE MORE THING to have to do........

Off for now - love and hugs to all..... need to get to some e-mails, plus need to shower and get ready for work. Late shift today.

Hugs to all, Love, Sun XXX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

Well, its half past three here. I slept most of the afternoon. I don’t really want to talk about the bf. It started well and I thought he was ready to hear my feelings but he wasn’t. I’m really hurt and I cried most of the day I was awake but I’m just not up to talking about this yet. We were so close to solving this but he had to go and get drunk and be insensitive and blow it.

As for the club thing, and I mean this in general to everyone, its just a sharing club. Anyone who reads this thread is welcome to join in and welcome to join the sharing club. It is their choice to stay quiet and in that way in my opinion they are by default excluding themselves.

Play: I’m only taking 50mg of Topa but I’m afraid I’m a bit of a freak case. I think people with bipolar have better success with it. They also have more tendency to develop substance abuse and I can say that when I did drink on it I felt quite awful.

I think if you compare alcohol to a love affair and it is a kind of love hate affair, isn’t it? Then most of you have used Topa to ‘break up’ with AL and to now have a kind of ‘friends with benefits kind of relationship. I know this is a weird analogy but its the only one I can think of. I on the other hand have found that it has brought me to a point where it is pretty much all or nothing now. I either have to stick to where I’m at or leave the Topa and be a full time alcoholic again. It may seem like a simple choice but perhaps you may understand, especially with the analogy I have chosen that sometimes I long for having that drink or two. Topamax has rewired my brain to the point where AL makes me feel quite bad, forgetful, anxious, paranoid.

WTE: Poor Charlie. At least he has scored lots of doggie treats out of this deal. Pretty soon the op will be forgotten but the food and toys will be all he is aware of. And also, they managed to fix lots of stuff that has gone unnoticed for a while, while he was under, so thats a bonus. Is he wearing the ‘cone of shame?’ What movie is that from? Oh UP? Have you seen it? I love that movie, have you seen it too, Space?

Wildflowers: Good to see you. Sorry that you had to test the drinking waters. I guess it’s just something we do. I know I have, we seem to romanticise past drinking and think we are in control only to realise that we are not. Will see you around the boards.

Space: I enjoyed your post, you did sound positive today. I don’t think we should worry about anonymity. And if your daughter comes here all she will see is that you are trying very hard to be the best you can be. And remember soon you will be SuperSpace :l

Sun: I always kind of giggle when you talk about being the boss. Its just that in your writing you do often come across as so sweet and gentle, nothing like a boss. But I know you are the manager and when I got to know you better I realised that you are actually much better at boundaries and handling other people than I am, so I think you’re probably the best kind of boss there is. Perhaps you should enter Survivor You may just win

I’m going to try and pop back to bed, stupid Topamax thing won’t let me sleep in anymore, so I only have 4 hours til 7.

:h

[Trixiebelle]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

DizzyBee;1322715 wrote: Hi guys, I'm afraid I feel incredibly bad today as the reconciliation session with bf last night went horribly wrong. So the best I can muster now is: have a good day and my thoughts are with you all.
:h

So sorry to hear that Dizzy, I hope things get better for you.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks Trix
Bed time for me
:l

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all -
Way too much to comment on individually like so many of you do...but I'll try!!

DZ - funny, literary, personal stuff as usual. Sorry your bf is taking on the downward slope of the rollercoaster. You're right, I think he's an asshole you would do better to drop. But YOU do it - don't let him have the opportunity. It's just that he has taken you from extreme highs to now extreme lows. TRY to walk away...all that you had with him will be better with someone else in the future you are destined to be with.

This is what I tell myself and I truly believe it!! Get away from his volatile self!! You can do so much better - plus he lives on another continent!! Seriously??

Ok, everyone else, I have read your posts and I simply can't comment as much as you all do specifically. I get on here later in the night, and I get afraid if I scroll back to posts and try to comment, I will lose the whole thing - as others seem to have done here recently! :-)) Thank you!!

So admiring everyone: WF, Space, PLAY, WTE, etcetcetcetc...hope all continues to go well.I am trying to wrap up the school year and it's down to 3 days next week before summer school starts 6/6!! YAY!!

While I promised to go back on TOPA, I haven't yet, but do plan to in the next couple of weeks. I have been taking L-glut morning & evening for the last 4 wks or so and can certainly feel & tell a difference. Mostly in my mental sharpness - OMG. Much better clarity!! Also yes, fewer cravings at first, but I drink thru it I think.

Anyway, so much more to say to everyone ~ I'm going to send this just to see...

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone - just got in from work. Diz - yes, sometimes I even giggle at me being the boss too :H. I never think of me as being the 'boss' type! Then something will happen at work, and hey guess what? I CAN be the boss type !! I know it amazes everyone when I do - which is a good thing as they know that when I get to that point, they had better watch it as I REALLY mean it. I work with some really good people and I rarely have to pull out the boss side of me - except with one or two folk so mostly it is a moot point. There are about 50 employees so that isn't bad odds.

I am feeling better than I was this morning. Still need to get a grip on this AL thing - LOL. Oh My Gosh - will I ever do that? SIGH. I will only have two tonight and wish I could do that without thinking about it every night - or go down to one - and then have AF nights sometimes. Obviously I am doing something wrong - like not taking my L-Glut and Kudzu. Boring record Sun.......

Diz - I am like you and understand you sleeping most of the day - I must admit though that if he gets drunk so much, is it really a good thing for you? Be quiet Sun - nothing to do with you..... I know that he has his good points and that you had some really good times together, but you have had such short times together - the rest has been long distance when you haven't seen his drinking. Sun - SHUT UP! He doesn't seem to really care about your feelings much in the way that he responds to you. SUN I SAID BE QUIET.

I like the 'friends with benefits' analogy for Topa. I know what friends with benefits is - My daughter told me - LOL Seriously - it is quite good actually, although I am not really sure how good the Topa actually is for me. I think the L-Glut and Kudzu works just as well. I think. I have been on the 300mg for ages now (it seems) and I still haven't reached that point of not wanting it and did reach that before. I suppose i could try going up a notch. Maybe I will. Might cut a 50mg pill in half and try going to 325mg. Think I might 'save' at this point so I don't lose all this.....

YES I did see "UP" - I loved it !!!!!! The Cone OF Shame !! I rarely watch movies - I either fall asleep or get bored. (and then fall asleep - LOL) But did see that.

Hi there Houtx - good to see you..... yes, lots of folk on this thread keep losing their posts - it might be 'cos we all write long ones!! Hey - you have noticed a difference in your mental sharpness with L-Glut????????? Really? Oh - I am assuming I was in with the etcetcetc that you admire - ROTFLMBO !!! You forgot me - be honest - didn't you? !!! - Just joking - really.....

Well, I need to go and start thinking about bed. I am tired - was really busy at work cracking that whip. :H love and hugs to all, See you all tomorrow,

Love, Sun XXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Nite, see you all tomorrow, sleep well, Dizz, I'm thinking like Wildflowers, the BF does sound abusive when he is drinking, maybe give it alot of thought, it's not healthy for you to hear hurtful things, anyway, love,

play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Did we cross post Play? Night XXx Sleep well

Love, Sun XX

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Yay - went thru!! So hoping all continues to go well w/ all of you...Ugh - really, too much to comment on.

WF - I always enjoy seeing your posts so please stay
Space - you are an inspiration...
as is WTE: hang in there, girl! ACKmo - soooooooooo much to comment on!!! Hope Charlie is ok, and you stay strong.

I ordered a 2.2 lb "bottle" of L-Glut from bodybuilders.com for $36+ that came within 3 days of ordering. I am totally sold on this supplement. Less cravings without even trying...altho I still drink, seems to be less. But the biggest boost is a mental clarity that is soooooooooooo noticeable and encouraging!! I'll order and take TOPA soon...worried about the TOPA DOPA effect as usual. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm ~ we'll see.

My 2 "teenage" children are calling my place home for the first time in 6 yrs. It takes some getting used to, the unmade beds, water bottles and other nonsense left behind...but I love it and they do too. l've got lots going on, except any kind of dating thing. Recent interest texted me saying I was propbably too busy for him...

Seriously??!! Makes me crazier - but alls ok in that dept. for now.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there

Well, yesterday was a big mess and I drank a bottle of wine. It made me feel even worse. The first thing I did this morning was take an Antabuse so I'm back at day one.

Bf wasn't drunk when we were chatting. We were going to skype but my internet connection was wobbly because it was raining, so we had to settle for chat. I mentioned that it hurts my feelings that he has chosen a one bedroomed flat without a balcony after we have discussed two bedroomed places with gardens or balconies. I mentioned how much I enjoy gardening recently and that I will have nowhere to work and nowhere to sleep if he snores too much (he does.)

I guess I just thought we were at a point where we could talk openly and we did and we said goodbye. But then as the evening wore on he started drinking and kept sending me emails, at first just links to what TV he bought and what internet he has, layout of the flat, but then around four he vomited and blamed me, and said that I keep changing my personality and I keep expecting him to provide everything for me depending on which personality I choose to have. He also brought up all the other old stuff.

So I hear you gals, he used to be so nice, it used to be us versus the world, I guess I keep trying to find the hold him but somehow the old him seems to be gone and there is this new cruel person in his place. I'm not sure what to do, I really don't feel like making my mind up now.

Houtx - too busy for him in what way? :ey:

Sun - you cheered me up with your self talk. And really made me giggle with what you said "I know what friends with benefits is - My daughter told me." LOL. I just mean that modding is like that. You don't want a relationship with alcohol but you still want to have fun with it every once in a while.

Trixie - hope you join us here soon.

Hi to everyone else.

:h

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I thought this flat was a temporary thing Diz, but now I think its intended as your home. Hang on, not so long ago there was talk of a house with a garden and now its a one bed flat with not even a balcony. I will shut up on that now, you will decide in your own time.

O havent got anything else to say just now I may feel more chatty later

xx

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I think its just a whole lot of miscommunication and stuff. He wants to provide safety and the right area etc. and is not concerned by silly potted stuff. We haven't had fun (or sex) in ages and its showing.

I think I will still go and just get this out of my system. In my heart I unfortunately have an inkling that this won't last but a free 6 month semi-holiday in the UK with 10 day holidays in Italy, Germany and Ireland won't kill me, my friends. I'll keep my home here and I'll have an open return ticket, so I'm free to leave at any time.

The worst that can happen is it doesnt work and I come home. Besides I'll have SuperSpace around the corner, and by that time she'll have her Lycra suit and will be ready fly in and rescue me should I need it.

I won't need it though, I'll keep you guys updated everyday and if things start to look a bit wonky, I'll be on the first flight out. So if we can finally cut the crap and stop behaving like kids, we can organise the tickets and visas on Monday.

My dad is having his operation next week so I first have to make sure that the poor guy is OK before I leave. There's of course lots of paperwork to finish.

And a last word on the flat, its only a 6 month contract, 2 of which wouldve been done by the time I get there. So if we gel well and I use some of my well other :bigwink: talents, of course we will move to one with a balcony. The poor man only spent one day a week at home and literally ended up choosing the first one that was available. His company is working him to the bone and I guess thats what they pay him the big money.

I did tell him I'll set a date, get the tickets etc, but if he doesnt stop his crap and start treating me with more respect, the only thing he'll be cuddling up to on the couch I chose will be his precious Starwars DVD set. I will not be spoken to in such a way again.

Damn, I havent missed hangovers, can this day be over now, please? :sigh:

:h