Hi all
Sorry if I'm quiet, I'm just going through a difficult patch. So let me just say that I think of you guys as my best (and yes real) friends in the world. Of course we are all real and its nice to know that I now have a very good friend on almost every continent in the world who understand what its like to have problems with alcohol. But also, aside from that, each and every one of you is a fantastic woman in her own rights.
So if I don't come here every day, don't ever think its because I've lost interest, its only because I'm struggling. I have a lot of stress. I hit a plateau with the Topa and I'm supposed to be titrating up but because of the stress I can't sleep so although the higher dose of topa can make me feel better its also disrupting my sleep...so I've been fooling around between the old dose and the new dose. The old dose is no longer keeping cravings at bay and I've been bad at regularly taking my antabuse too.
Worst part of it, I also have klonopin to help me with anxiety and the last week I've been taking it as candy. I know this is a very helpful drug but its also very dangerous. Just before the topa I started titrating down as I read horrible stories of people trying to come off it and having awful awful side effects. So its a bit catch 22. And then my pharmacy closed early yesterday and I found out today that they don't open on Sundays, so now I'm without my anxiety drug, and my anxiety is through the roof. I've never been good with anxiety, this whole week has felt like one long panic attack.
And as I had a panic episode 18 months ago while on bac, I am EXTREMELY panicky about anxiety and panick in general. Anxiety breeds anxiety and panic feeds panic. :durn:
So my mom is in a very bad way again and I'm afraid to leave her on her own. I started the new job and they hardly gave me any instructions. I'm filling out the visa application and thats a panic attack right there. So I've been trying to keep calm but also I can't stop any of this as time is of the essense. I NEED to work as I have to show the British embassy I have R20K in my bank account to pay for my fees. Also my boyfriend made a mistake at work so his stress levels is through the roof.
So yesterday I drank again as I just SO wanted relief. And I didnt have my anxiety meds and I just feel between a rock and hard place all the time. I have to work non stop, I have to prove myself at this new job, I have to complete the old job and train my friend to help me, I have to look after my parents all the time, I feel scared to leave my mom alone for too long as she may do something, I have to ensure my dad is OK as he is going in for the reversal of the colon bag op tomorrow, I have to keep the peace with my boyfriend and not offload too much stress on him as he feels they may fire him tomorrow. I have to keep myself together and not have a full blown panic attack and all of this while being out of my regular anxiety meds for almost 48 hours, which means I could start going into withdrawal any second now.
So I spent some time at my parents this afternoon. My mom in fetal position in bed. My dad having to take meds to clear his colon and him not able to eat for 18 hours. Me knowing I have to start working again tomorrow, having to pick up my anxiety meds and somehow just KEEP IT TOGETHER DIZ. Also started taking the antabuse again as alcohol is so not the answer to all of this. If anything, it breeds more anxiety as it makes me pretty much useless, especially now with the topa, as it makes me more sleepy and more anxious.
So I have read all your posts and I am with you all and I feel your pain and joy and share your experiences and I'm just not WITH IT enough right now to give feedback to each one. Thanks so much for all your kind comments on what I shared about the abuse. I really dont think it makes me unique and I think everyone has their pain. Also, I don't have a victim mentality, and yes I did share the experience with my pdoc. I eventually share it with people but I think its wrong when people use an experience like that to define who they are. Shit happens.
I was just reminiscing and thinking back that all of what happened probably contributed to me deciding to self medicated with alcohol. And I think I became an alcoholic as I was born with bipolar or alcoholic genes and this mixed with the fact that I decided to self medicate with alcohol for a prolonged period of time turned me into one. If I had the right support and money, I wouldve found the right medicine and counselling earlier, and wouldve probably not have been a full blown alcoholic at the age of 30, but who knows, its just speculation.
But thats what makes the serenity prayer so special. God can mean what you want it to be, it can be your support group, your higher power, whatever, but its mostly about ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that you are where you are right now and no means of making pacts with yourself, god or even the devil can turn back time and make you or me be not an alcoholic ever again. Its how we deal with it. Its about being serene and being grateful, even on those days when life gives us very fecking little to be grateful for.
So today I'm grateful for you guys, my very wonderful and very real circle of friends. You do make me laugh a LOT and sometimes I do shed a tear when I read about the pain you go through. But mostly my heart aches with sheer gratitude to know that, by chance, I have found this site and this thread in particular, and I know that you guys understand me much better than my best friend probably ever will, as she will never know what its like to pour a glass of wine, only to pour it down the sink half an hour later. That, and loads of other things. Because we have this platform and we can share our most intimate secrets without worrying if the others understand, because I know you do, and I know I do.
I love you all, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are and for coming here every day or whenever you can and for lifting me up at times like this when otherwise I wouldve felt like I'm alone at the bottom of a very deep and dark bottomless pit.
:h:h:h
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