New here and starting Topa and with a question

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone - just popping in to pop in! Been out in the garden working my little tushie off most of the day. Ended up on the sofa - hubs covered me with a blanket and I just woke up!! Just feel like going to bed now...... early shift tomorrow so no time in the morning to post I shouldn't think. Will do my best... hope you are all doing well....

Love, Sun XXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

This morning I counted my topa pills to make sure that I have enough to last thru my trip so I don't run out like last time, probably should have ordered more but once again I didn't, but this time I do have enough to last. I will order more about two weeks before I return home and they should be almost in the mailbox when I return. My current dose has been 25 AM, 50 PM, drinking just as much as ever, this morning I increased the AM to 50 mg, which was the plan for as soon as I left on the trip but I just did it two days sooner, sometime during the day I realized I wasn't craving a mid-day glass of wine (which I have been having every day) and now I am home, it is 7pm and I have a bottle chilling but have not opened it yet and kind of feel like it could go either way. I feel more than extremely tired from staying up late, which I tend to do when I drink wine, and then I tend to wake up earlier than normal also so I am in kind of a constant state of tiredness during the day. I'm hoping that I can manage to have no more than one glass tonight and get a really wonderful night's sleep, this might be the beginning of a bit of a break from the alcohol.

I've also seeing a pattern with a few people here where the topa works quite well for a time and then seems to stop and the dose has to be increased before it works again or it doesn't work again at all. Dizz has just reported that hers has not been working so well and I think there was someone named "Rainyday" who was here for a short time that had success with Topa and then I think some trouble with it but I may be wrong about that. Anyway, I'm curious to see what happens with me at this point, basically to see if it actually starts working at all now.

EEE GADS, the more I talk about it the better a glass sounds, I better stop thinking about it.

How are you all? Space, I've thought about you so much today, you need some pampering and TLC, I think of how much I will be trying to give my daughter some rest and down time after her surgery, she works very hard as the main bread earner in the family as well as being a devoted mom, I wish I was able to do the same for you, I sense that your family (parents) does not wrap their arms around you very often and tell you how much you mean to them and what a wonderful person and daughter you are and how much they love you. Please look in the mirror and see what a beautiful person that you are.

Guess what? My dove has laid another egg and guess what else? She DOES have a mate, he comes to sit on the nest at night and she sits in the daytime. I kept sometimes thinking that sometimes my dove looked a little different, sometimes she maybe had more black marks on her and seemed a little bigger but I wasn't really sure, but tonight I heard her loud "cooing" and saw her flying very rapidly away and so I jumped quickly up to take advantage of her being away to move the plant and table a little more inside just in case it ever does rain so that it would not ever get wet if the wind blows, and oh my gosh, there sitting on the rail was "another" dove, and I knew right then that there were two of them, because I saw the other one fly, really fly away, and this one then hopped on the nest and sat on the eggs, so I'm really relieved now, I was so worried about how she was going to eat and drink water, so now, I can relax, but now I have to worry about what if the babies fall out of the pot, I'm trying to figure out how to keep them in the pot, any ideas?

Ok, better go for now, I'm vowing to go to bed early. Going to the hand doctor in the morning to maybe fix the thumb, it better not be "PHYSICAL THERAPY"!!!

love, Play

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Play: You have a PM. Forgot to tell you that I'm happy you now don't have to worry about Mama Dove as she has a Papa Dove. I wouldn't worry about their babies falling out of the nest. The parents know what their doing & nature will take care of it's self!.... How lucky you are that they chose your patio. You just worry about packing & getting on the plane to Spain. Let us know you landed safe if you get a chance.

Glad you have a enough Topa. Yes, order b4 you get home. Glad your already noticing help with the increase. My stay at 75 works. But, I think if I were to drink that may change. I do sometimes have cravings & think about drinking, but my thoughts towards alcohol have really changed.

Oh & thank you so much for being so open & sharing about your kids ~ family with Dizzy. I think hope it helped her & others. Really helped me with viewing all this real people as actually being real!...

WTE: I'm sorry you ran into your Ex, the one whom you loved & wanted to marry. It's been 3 yrs, so he must have meant a lot to you!... I think seeing him with is GF must have hurt a lot. I think the best way to get over him, is to find someone new. Have you thought of dating on-line? This is how many people do find their mates now. There just has to be someone out there for a fine, beautiful, kind & successful woman as yourself!!!!. Don't give up!... You have options.

Sun & Space: I'm so glad your both taking it easy, esp you Sunny, your always on the go. Like your 25. Wished I had your energy. You've been working way to hard lately!... Look at Space she is standing up for herself. This is making me very happy!.... I have a big smile even tho its late & I'm pooped.

Dizzy: I so agree with Play, but I just didn't say I. Nor may not have been able to say it as well as her. But, I would also hope that you move away from your family & have a chance to live your life for you! They expect way too much from you! In fact I think it's making you sick!.... Let your Brother deal with it or others. I do hope your Dad's OP went well! Wished they could get your Mom's meds straight, so all her months would balance out. Then you'd feel less anxious, less guilt about leaving them.

There are very, very hard seasons in nearly all peoples lives. These are the times we think we are not going make it, but we do some how. Rely on other peoples faith & strength when yours is to weak. We all need ea other. This seasons that overwhelm us to the point of breaking do pass. I promise you hun, I promise you that aren't alone!.... I also think that you should try & not worry too much about the BF job. Even thou the economy is unstable he's very smart, educated & has experience in his field. He will find something. Don't forget to pray!....

I tried reading the prince story, but alas I'm exhausted, I'm mean really bad now. It's really late & I'm suppose to be up early helping my daughter once again. I read just a touch Diz, but I promise. I will post what I think about it b4 I post anything else. I know it must be good & there must be value to it or you wouldn't be encouraging us to read it twice now.

It's been a long three days, but it's been all grand! A had a fleeting thought of beer today. Think I'm just super tired moving & all. But, I know it's going to happen from time to time. I'm an alcoholic, we think about alcohol sometimes. I also know being over tired is one of my triggers. But, it's OK. A thought is nothing, even thoughts, it's what I do with them that counts.

We had a lovely day fishing. Just gorgeous! The only thing I caught was a tree limb, hahaha. Now if I ever do, it's catch & release. I go cause I'm a Wildflowers & I love nature. Love the water. Been known to take a swim & scare those fishies away. Had a nice hike to. I will try & pop in just to say hi, as I really am going to get so busy. One of my BFF daughter just gave birth to a precious little baby boy! I get to see them on Fri. Joy Joy Joy....

Waving Hi to everyone else

Namaste :h

Wildflowers

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Just a quick hi to say I am up to date with you but tomorrow is the big Visa day so I'm running around like a mad hatter trying to get all the photos and papers. They make it quite hard for South Africans to get into the UK these days as there are so many of us there already.

Promise to catch up later if I have a minute otherwise a loooong post tomorrow.

:h

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Okay. When I get down I get quiet. That is the way I am. I am sort of struggling - not a lot but a little bit. You all have so much other stuff going on that I hate to even talk about me. And we haven't heard from Struggles. I need to e-mail her. We haven't heard from Mimi which worries me. Diz - you are so up to your eyes in it that I hate to even bring ME up. WTE - you are busy and have Charlie to worry about and then saw your ex so are upset and don't need my stuff to add to it. Play - I know we talked the other night but you have so much to do before you leave that you really don't need this either. Houtx - you always lose your posts - LOL. Wildflowers you have your move and stuff - Space - you have too much going on..... basically - everyone has their own stuff. you don't need mine. And mine is small.

I feel down in the dumps today. My friends hubs funeral is Friday. I am not saying that that is any reason for any of what I am going to say - just stating a fact. It is going to be a hard day for me. i work close that day too - so go from the funeral in the morning at 10.30 then work from 2- close. Hard one. I am just feeling low right now. BOB (Big Older Brother) has quit drinking again - I always quit with him, and this time told him I would join him soon. I have no desire to quit. None at all. I would be fine if I was just having my one or two but am up to 3 or 4 every night. This might not sound catastrophic but for me it is a problem. Plus I don't want to stop. That too, in itself is a problem...... I am happy with getting buzzed every night. I am sitting here crying. I really don't want this. I just don't know where to start. Or what to do. Heck...... Oh I have to laugh actually - I just read that back to myself and it says that i am happy with getting buzzed and then say that i am crying. Well - obviously I am not happy with it. I LOVE the buzz. What more can I say? I am sorry - you all have so much going on. I suppose I just needed to post as I haven't. I usually do. I get quiet when I am down and the reason I am down is 'cos of what is going on in my head with the AL situation.

Any or all suggestions would be muchly appreciated.

love and hugs, sun XXXX

[mama bear]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

awww sun - please don't cry
it makes me sad

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Awe Sunny, don't be down on yourself! This is a hard time, you've probably been a rock for your friend through her crisis with her husband! It takes the stuffing out of you, that's natural. You're such a giving person - you need to step back and think about what you want (besides the buzz) and what you need to do to best take care of yourself. I think we drink more when we've got a need we're not addressing. At one point in my life I wasn't getting enough nutrients and I drank more and more to fill the empty space. Maybe its just ME time you need, or you need someone to be there for YOU? I bet you're there for others and you don't ask for their help when you need it.

How about the gabapentin? Try that again, and if you ran out, order some. I just ordered from All Day Chemist and they told me in two weeks it would be here. I ordered by phone this time around and it was soooo easy. I recommend it.

I hope you're doing better as you read this, but if not, don't worry, we're going to move to the sunny side of the street, right? Read what I wrote and let me know if you think any of that could help. PM me if you need anything. I'm not on this thread often so I will try to keep up in the next few days to be around in case you post.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey y'all -
OMG remind me not to let more than a day or two go by w/o checking in!! LOL SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things I want to say!! You are all so dear and important to me. So much to comment on and I am just checking in...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate these posts, like many have said previously. I tear up, I feel soooooooooooooo gratified, at peace, welcome and at home when I come here. My problems seems huge, my drinking is huge to me...it's all relative. But Soooooo nice to talk about our struggles, guilt, problems, failures, weaknesses...and all we struggle with.

Again, so much to comment on....every single one of you. PLay, Sunny, Diz, WF, Space...UGH See?? I can't scroll back on this reply page so hitting a wall as to who else I want to speak to. Brunhilde, MamaBear(??) lol...really, EVERYONE!!

Love you guys!! WTE - I just cried some stupid tears recently over my long-lost heartbreak (HB) too. It sucks. I'm so sorry for your pain - tears are prickling my eyeballs as I write this. Love you all -

Hang in!! XXXOOO

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun, I'm just now reading your post right after I emailed you, well, I went on and on about trivial stuff and didn't even realize you were hurting so much, I will write you another short email before I hit the hay, I hope to get another good nights sleep but will not go to sleep before writing to you again.

Hey everyone else I have alot to post about before I leave but I will post at length tomorrow if I can find time between the big push of packing, it just goes on and on between everything else, oh BTW, I saw the "Handologist" today, he gave me a cortisone shot in the thumb, he said maybe it will fix it maybe not, time will tell, if not then a little surgery later after the trip.

The other funny thing that happened today was that, you know how different mirrors give you different images? well, I went after the hand thing for a hair thing, and there was a big mirror and I had a
"Barn Attack", I almost turned around and ran out, it took all my smiling at myself and reminding myself that it didn't matter and that I am beautiful and to just ignore it and that i will return to my former self one of these days, oh it was quite shocking, even the mirror in my apartment is not quite that unflattering.

Goodnight and see you all tomorrow.
Play

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Houtx.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh dear Sun and Houxt.

Sun you are there so much for others it is so sad to see you in pain. Maybe over the weekend you will be able to take a bit of Sun time to just sit and reflect on whats going on for you, try and make some time for yourself. Keeping to those 1 or 2 drinks is hard at times and drinking more does make you feel shitty, I know it did for me. Make sure you take extra good care of yourself over the next few days, dont forget to eat and try to drink plenty of water, and lots of rest. Im thinking of you :l

Houxt, bloody relationships and men are so difficult sometimes, I am sending you a big hug, will you do something lovely for yourself :l

Play, Im glad your nearly ready to fly out to Spain, dont forget to stop packing or it can go on forever! and try not to worry about your wieght, I too am overweight and unhappy about it but I dont know who said it on this thread but we are beautiful as we are, were not youngsters anymore but women. You are a beautiful, wonderful caring woman going off to see and help your family. How much more could anyone want. Im relieved that your all sorted with the topa before you go and you dont have that worry this time. Its a shame flights have gone up in price or I would be tempted to fly over and visit you

I hope the visa stuff goes ok for you today Diz

Hello to everyone else, sorry I cant talk to everyone

Im ok, my daughter and her bf have been staying for a few days again, its been nice having them here but I think its time for them to go home again soon I get used to being on my own a lot and its tiring when I am with someone else all the time for days but it has done me a lot of good, getting me out of bed and doing stuff. Over the past couple of days I have got lots sorted on my daughters wedding prep. I have bought my own outfit, her shoes and the material to start making the bridesmaids dresses and planned the design of the wedding cake. It will be a relief when the dresses are made tho, it is a long time since I have made anything and I am very worried that I will be able to do it so please keep your fingers crossed for me that it works out.

xx

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone

OK, so I'm really sleepy here. Its 10:30 in the morning and I think I need a nap. The visa thing really wore me out. I had to get up at 5am to be in the city at 8am, traffic is ridiculous, you either leave at 6 and get their at 7 or you leave at 6:30 and you risk getting their at 8 but perhaps 8:30. And as its all done now and the adrenaline was pumping, I really feel like a nap, even though it feels wrong to nap this time of the morning.

Oh Sunny just because everyone's got 'stuff' doesnt mean you're not going through an incredibly difficult time. Your close friend's husband died. Obviously you have to support her. Obviously you are thinking 'this could have been me' and will probably one day be me. It makes death more real. It is a very sad thing to happen and not trivial at all. Also in rehab they said we all have different scales, I kept thinking my stories were daft as I haven't sold my body for drugs or been in gangs or been raped or arrested etc. like some of the girls there. So they just said we all have a one to ten and whats important is how much an experience is rating on a dial.

So this visa experience may be a 7 on my stress dial as I had another fight with my boyfriend (he is stressed at work and not paying me any attention) and its also making me feel guilty about my parents who are both ill etc. But for most people, a visa application will only rate about 3 or so, more an annoyance than anything else.

So Sunny, please first get the funeral out of the way and then take a good hard look at what you want to do about your drinking. Perhaps it is time but I know that you have to be ready, otherwise there is no point. I think Bruun may just have a point with the Gabapentin, I think it worked really well for Space for a while there. Well, it still is, I'm just thinking about dosages and stuff. Big hug my friend, when we're down, everything seems awful, after the funeral, things will look up a little bit and then you will feel more ready to tackle the beast again. :l

Mama bear, and Bruun, unfair you cant just swoop in for Sunny without telling us something about yourself. Now you have to share too.

Space, I read you got some wedding gear, cool! How are the wedding plans going along? Glad the funeral is over. OK, I read this on your thread, hmmm, you should be sharing with us. I for one really don't mind if you just cut and paste. Do you think the depression has lifted now? I'm sorry I didn't say anything about the bac earlier, I wasnt sure if it was my place and our kind of mood disorder its really hard to say, esp mixed with AL, I mean even you didnt know what it was.

Play, how I envy your trip to Spain. How long are you going to be there for? Fancy to come visit me in London while you are there? Perhaps Space can join us and we can have 'High Tea' in Windsor? LOL Its just that I've always been the one so far away. OK, not true, Space is also far away and the rest of you are in America. And Trixie is in Aus - where are you Trix, why are the meds taking so long to arrive?

Well I don't mind come visiting you in Spain either but because of Apartheid and us being a third world country the SA passport is green and its called the 'green mamba' the name of a lethal snake. I have to first apply for a Schengen Visa when I get to the UK and its very complicated as I have to make enough trips over 3 months otherwise I only get one that lasts for one trip or one month. *sigh*

To be honest, Barcelona has been my favorite city of all the cities I've visited so far, and I did travel quite extensively during 2004-2006. It reminded me a bit of Cape Town, I loved the Gaudi architecture, the gothic old bit, the sunshine, the sea, its a really cool place. I also had a Spanish room mate, who was really crazy but in a sweet way, why are your family living in Spain again?

Bf and I have talked about maybe moving to Malta later on as I will need to move somewhere with sunshine but he won't really ever adjust to life in a third world country like South Africa. Ideally he'd love to live in Germany and as I have German ancestors and a German name I guess I can get used to the idea but to learn a language and culture from scratch...plus they seem so clinical and humorless to me.

I'd rather go live in the Netherlands, more of my forefathers come from there. I'd say 2/3 Dutch, 1/3 German, unfortunately too far removed to claim a passport. Hmmm. I'm talking rubbish, arent I?

WTE, it mustve been weird to run into Buddy at the concert with your new date? Or did you know he was going to be there? Freud would have a field day with this! Sorry, I know it must really hurt, I don't mean to make light of it.

Houtx of the lost posts, good to hear from you finally. Would love to actually hear how YOU are. It seems we've been letting you get away with drive by posts for too long. And your buddy WTE misses you especially. As much as you appreciate our posts...we miss it when you don't share yourself with us. We want to know the nitty gritty messy details of your life. So its school holidays but you have summer school. You have been taking L-glut and thats been making you brainier. You're still treading mud on Topa, god knows why... LOL please continue...

Wildflowers, for some reason I almost missed seeing your post, I subscribe to this thread but it must be female, it sometimes sends me alerts and sometimes doesnt. Read the little prince when you have time and feel like it. Its very sweet and you can read it over the weekend but rather wait for the right time. Thanks for the encouragement. I pushed myself up to 62.5 Topa but I must say its no longer the magic elixir it once was re cravings. I really struggled to up the dose too as I couldnt sleep but I'm finally managing it now by taking the whole dose as soon as I wake up.

I'll probably have to up to 75 too as I still have cravings but all the anxiety about moving to London is already giving me insomnia so I still have to see doc about a month's supply of sleeping tabs before I can think about upping dose again. Also reading the Holford book, trying to get ideas for natural remedies but my body doesnt seem to respond that well to natural remedies. Lord knows I've tried. I've spent LOTS of money on herbs and tinctures and naturapathy and homeopathy and had very little success. So now I stick to good food and eating herbs and I take vitamins and the only tinctures I believe in are echinacae and milk thistle.

OK, I think I may try that nap now.

Hugs to all.

:h

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone - am getting ready for work so don't have a lot of time, but am feeling better this morning than I was last night. you are all right - I need to get the funeral over with and then look at things. I need to be there though for my friend - I will be going over to check on her although her daughter has come home from abroad so will be around for a few weeks which is good.....

Bruun, thankyou for popping in - it was sweet of you to do so and to post - I appreciate it.... Play, Diz, Space, Houtx - I will post this evening when I get home - have the 9-5:30 shift today.

Jan - it was good to chat last night.....

Must go and get ready for work - love and hugs to you all,

Sun XXX

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Dear Sweet Sun ? Like you, I get oh so quiet when I am down. And I too am feeling that everyone has such important woes going on that my seem miniscule in comparison. Other than typing about my HB, I?ve just been on a bad roll and unable to comment about much ?

Sun, you will get through the day and soon it will be behind you and reflection will come with it. Some good and some bittersweet and some not so sweet ... but just for now. Our morality is difficult to face and so hard when the reminder is so close to home. I?m happy your friend?s daughter will be there for her as well .. I think Sun needs a bit of a break too.

And Sun, in the ?true confession? department, I too have been slipping badly. I have NO idea why my easy, breezy max 3 glasses has simply gone to hell. I am fighting with 4, 5 and some days 6 now .. headed backwards I feel and it?s awful. The comment from my heartbreak ?Wow-You?ve gotten skinny!? was the kicker and I almost decided to give up on Topa altogether. Something has to break here soon. I?ve decided to see a DR ?undercover? and confess my Topa use and see what he comes up with. I?ve never taken an AD, but maybe I need to look into that. At 50/100, perhaps that is what is going on (?) Not sure but I have a close GF that is REALLY worried about me and no idea about Topa and is wondering why I am dropping weight so fast.

And to clear up the ?Hearbreak? from ?Buddy? thing (Houtx ? you know this all too well) ?Buddy? is my 20 year plus friend that lives in AZ which is about 7 hours from me. No, he is not who I ran into. The guy I ran into is someone I met on Match (someone suggested I join online dating and I had to laugh!) and dated for about a year. He?s a Sax Player and it was a hot and heavy romance. And no, I had no idea he would be at that concert ? so it was quite a shock to see him. When it ended 3 years ago, I literally spent almost 2 weeks on my sofa (or more?) in tears, not eating, drinking, and other than feeding my animals doing nothing but trying to figure out how to get him back. Obviously nothing worked, I went for a few months of therapy and finally pulled it back together enough to get back to work. Sadly, he still haunts me to this day ? and last Saturday was a kick in the gut for sure.

I finally went back to online dating, have met some nice guys, but no one that really seems like the one. The ?date? I had the other night is actually a guy I met from Match a few years back, he got really serious, I was not in love and backed off, but remain friends and see one another from time to time. Just not sure I am up to online dating again right now ?.

Diz, hang strong GF. Your questions will never be answered if you don?t take the risks and journeys you are about to jump into. Yep, it?s stressful, but there MUST be a touch of excitement blended in there somewhere? No? I hope you find that solution for sleeping better ? you are going to be needing some rest for sure!

Play ? Well, the time is just about here! How very exciting! In no time you will be in a whole new routine with lots of distractions and keeping busy. Habits and patterns will change once again and hopefully all for the very best! And you will look smashing darling! One thing at time ?

Space ? We?re not doing very good about eating, are we? At least I?m not! Then again I haven?t been here much, although I did do much better yesterday for a change. Fun about your company and new attire! Bet you look fantastic!

Houtx ? yep, how do they still make us cry? Gawd, ALL those memories of going fly fishing for the weekend with him came flashing back again when I thought we were getting back together (remember??). Are you still on Match? I still think we should trade cities for a while! HA!

Hello to all else I have missed?. TRYING to get back on track here!

Love & Hugs to All

WTE

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

i DONT THINK i HAVE MUCH TO SAY REALLY BUT JUST WANT TO POP MY HEAD IN and say hello, left caps lock on sorry, after my 2 busy days I didnt get up until 11.30 this morning and that was only because my lovely daughter brought me a cup of coffee up to bed. But I did get up and have mowed the lawns in both gardens and mostly taken down the old trampoline to get rid of. Also done some long overdue errands so another ok day, definately not a wasted one lying in bed all day doing nothing anyway. My daughter goes home tomorrow and while it has been lovely having her here it is time for her to go.

Dizzy Its great to see a proper Dizzy size post again, well done on getting the visa sorted, yes we will definately have to get together somewhere. I dont understand where you say you have to do 3 journeys?? but you are sounding so much more like you

Sun and WTE it doesnt matter what we talk about or how big or small our problems seem, thats what we are here for is to help each other and talk.

Play getting close to going to sunny Spain

I have been wanting to drink quite a bit over the past few days, I havent because Ive taken antabuse but its uncomfortable not being able to drink when I want to so much. I am only taking a small dose of baclofen right now and also gabapentin, I am prescribed 900mg a day but think I will try taking 1200mg for a couple of days and see what that does. Yes the depression is getting a bit better, I have also 1/2d the dose of another med I take which is the one I think was knocking me out of a day time.

I have often thought of on-line dating but never really got round to it, I have joined Match but didnt bother getting in touch with anyone. I still dont know if I want to, I want that nice relaxed relationship coouples have once thy are together and secure with each other, I dont want the going out on dates, its just something I cant be bothered with now, all the getting ready, putting effort into it only to find the guy is a creep, married, a liar, boring or just wrong, they are I just talked myself out of it again

Love to all xx