New here and starting Topa and with a question

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh, I have terrible insomnia, especially if I share a bed with someone. I'm really going to miss having a bed to myself...

Speaking of which, bf and I bought our first big item together yesterday - a bed, and here it is! Whala!

It wasn't my first choice but now I'm glad that we chose it and considering I'm 6000 miles away and was on the net and he in store and us both on the phone, it went surprisingly well and he was very open to compromise. Yay! We are getting along famously now that all the visa and ticket and should we, shouldnt we shit is behind us. So happy.

Hmmm, can't believe I just showed you my bed... Speaking of beds... Anything to share WTE? :H

I'm afraid I can't stay, I'm organising and spring cleaning my whole cottage and its a nightmare.

I hope you are OK Cos. We also get really bad fires in Summer. Keep us posted, OK?

Thanks Space, you are exactly right, this is a friendship thread. We happen to be alcoholics but the main deal here is support and friendship, I like that description.

Hiya, Sun, I just *know* you are going to check in later.

Also hola to Play in sunny Spain, so envious of you, while I sit here typing with freezing hands in this cold wet wintery weather.

:l :l :l

[COSGringo]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Nice bed! We got one of those tempurpedics. Always get a king size, it helps relationships last. Still no sleep even after multiple meds.
Trying to get a hold of people out in the forest camping. I was supposed to be there but could not walk.
Raining ash here. Hotting days ever, ever since records have been kept here.
More places getting evacuated. Winds might shift in the city's favor but that means mountain communities will get burnt down. No one really wins.
Guess I'll be living on the moon. That's how it looks when a fire rolls through.
Haev a good day all.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Great news that you and your bf are getting on so well now that all the stress is getting sorted. You will be in his arms soon

Og COS, there was me a few days ago so envious of you living in such a beautiful place and now I cant believe its all getting burnt down.

Can you try and rest in your office/basement, I know you said you used to sleep there when you had it bad on the bac, even if you can just lie down and put the tv on. Not the news or weather channels tho, something quiet, in the days when I was scared to go to bed I used to often drift off with boring stuff on tv, those costume dramas and crap like that.

[COSGringo]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I'll be fine. Have not had one of those nights in a while. Just a lot going on around here and I have friends out in that mess. I had a bad feeling about heading out this weekend and well I can't walk so that closed the deal.
Need to get my "bug out" bag together in case things get weird around here and we have to get out of town. I don't think it will but considering it's like Las Vegas around here anything is possible.

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

When I first came back to MWO I was very scared, alone, confused, sick, withdrawing from alcohol. Looking for help, answers & support. Which I've found some & am grateful for! I also take a low dose Topa as one part of my plan. Thought I jump on this thread. As I sobered up, my focus & priorities started changing. Still left with alcohol confusion, fog, fear, etc. I knew I needed more then just a place of belonging, support, friendship & laughter. Tho I still like & want these to. I also want & need to learn how to live my live without alcohol. Recovery is serious business & takes a lot of hard work! Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I don't want to die!.... This is my number one priority!..... Without this nothing else will matter in the end!...

The first time I said I was leaving this thread, it wasn't from lack of, friendship, or laughter. It's because I don't feel there is any serious recovery going on this thread & some others. I've never had a PM with KateH1, Oney or anyone else about this topic. Had one, once with Oney, but it was about self esteem stuff & loving self. I do however think when KateH1 started that thread it got me to thinking about what are my true needs, wants, motivations for posting on this board once again. Well #1 is, I really do like all of you! I also enjoy helping people!.... Especially encouraging woman with self concept & self esteem issues. I do also enjoy laughing, day to day life, but there are other social media avenues that I can pursue if that's mainly all I'm conversing about.

However, because I've gained some sobriety time I've realized that I'm lacking the support I need to grow in my recovery & living a AF life here on this thread. Our goals are very different! Nothing wrong with that! That other thread confirmed what I'd been thinking for a while. I will not apologize for agreeing with many of the statements that were written on that other thread!.... Tho some I didn't agree with!... My main reason for coming to MWO is to recover from alcoholism! Socializing, making friends, laughing is wonderful, that feeling of belonging is all part of a good recovery plan as well. Let alone this site is full of knowledge, much of it is scientific ( which I love ). I also love the diversity here!

With that diversity I'm willing to take suggestions & corrections if it means saving my ass. I've been doing the same thing over & over & over for years. "Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes" As I've read here today, I don't want my next social visit to be the grave site. Let alone any more pain that my drinking has caused my family & friends. I guess I view alcoholism as a serious progressive disease. But, I didn't for 30 + yrs. I understand denial very well. I also understand that I'm a bit zealous now in my passion to be free & live a reasonably happy sober life.

This thread has changed over time which is fine. I don't view this as a recovery thread, it's a friendship thread. The majority here wants it this way. I wished it could be a mixture of both, a balance. Maybe some day in the future it will be again. Until that time, I wish each & everyone of you very special, beautiful, smart, funny, kind, talented woman, good health, happiness, love, peace & prosperity.

Take Care,

Wildflowers :h

AF 3/18/12 ~ 5/12/12

AF 5/23/12

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

OH DEAR Cos! We went through the firestorms that hit San Diego just a few years back and it is a living nightmare! Like you, TV on 24/7 and watching where the fires had “jumped” and if it was time to get out. We had three major fires burning that were slowly becoming one giant one ….

Not knowing exactly where you are at (I also have friend in COS so understand) but please, for the life of all of you, somehow get prepared. And get out of dodge. It simply is NOT worth the risk.

We had people here that were told to evacuate and decided to “ride it out” and stay at home. Many, too many …. I now send flowers to burial sites.

IF they tell you to go .. Please Go. All of your tech info can be stored on a cloud (easy set up and cheap) or run out and buy some data sticks that you can throw in a backpack. (If you can’t walk, and I am just reading that from your posts then call someone to help. PM me if you need help with dong any of the above. Screw the tech equipment – it can be replaced, God forbid.

Sorry if I sound harsh here COS, but been there, done that, saw it …. Fires (as you know) change direction so fast with the winds you are having. Load “The Beast” and have your car key in your pocket. Hire someone to help you.

Wish I knew where you were at. Watching the news and some areas are is real trouble … others safer. There are fires … and then there are firestorms. Just for those that have no clue what a firestorm can be like …

Go safe COS. Got cha in my prayers.

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

OH DEAR Cos! We went through the firestorms that hit San Diego just a few years back and it is a living nightmare! Like you, TV on 24/7 and watching where the fires had “jumped” and if it was time to get out. We had three major fires burning that were slowly becoming one giant one ….

Not knowing exactly where you are at (I also have friend in COS so understand) but please, for the life of all of you, somehow get prepared. And get out of dodge. It simply is NOT worth the risk.

We had people here that were told to evacuate and decided to “ride it out” and stay at home. Many, too many …. I now send flowers to burial sites.

IF they tell you to go .. Please Go. All of your tech info can be stored on a cloud (easy set up and cheap) or run out and buy some data sticks that you can throw in a backpack. (If you can’t walk, and I am just reading that from your posts then call someone to help. PM me if you need help with dong any of the above. Screw the tech equipment – it can be replaced, God forbid.

Sorry if I sound harsh here COS, but been there, done that, saw it …. Fires (as you know) change direction so fast with the winds you are having. Load “The Beast” and have your car key in your pocket. Hire someone to help you.

Wish I knew where you were at. Watching the news and some areas are is real trouble … others safer. There are fires … and then there are firestorms. Just for those that have no clue what a firestorm can be like …

Go safe COS. Got cha in my prayers.

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

A very respectful and well thought - out post Wild. Thank you.

Perhaps we all find the word “balance” to be different things. Good on you for understanding that we do have our balance here. Perhaps not what YOU need right now, but for us it seems to work.

Bless. Go safe.

WTE

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all, I havent got much to say this morning but do want to pop in. My weekend has been ok, spend nearly all saturday sewing but then yesterday had to leave it alone while I think about what Im going to do to salvage it. My mood has been still a bit blah, no real cravings or even wanting a drink but a kind of looking over an edge, concious that if I fell off right now I would be in big trouble if anyone recognises that. Anxiety maybe, not sure, a general uncomfortableness with myself tho but thats right now at this minute, it can change so I dont know how I will feel later. I do know however that I wont drink, need to take an AB just to make sure of that tho. I am determined to sort out how I have been over these past months and know I wont be able to do that if I drink because then I dont know if its the drink causing the tiredness or not, apart from that I definately dont want it adding to it. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday, I feel like I have been waiting for ever to see her and I need to know what she is prepared to do to help me before I can move on. This is one of the difficulties with having mental health problems I think, that I dont know if this is all due to my mental health, my physical health or my meds. I know I am very very reluctant to stop the gabapentin due to tiredness, I do think it is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I have dropped right down on my serequel, am only taking 20mg of citalopram so something is keeping me stable and not needing to drink and I do think its the gabapentin.

Hey WTE how are you, are you still doing your drink monitoring thing, I was so impressed when you where doing it and also telling us about your daily life. I was watching something on tv (a film maybe) the other day and the couple on it were in a small US town but then walked into this beautiful flower shop that was just crammed with buckets of flowers and I thought of you. Its strange the way weve never met but you are all such an important part of my life.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all

Thanks Cos, its definitely a king size with us both having problems sleeping.

I really hope you guys are staying safe, thinking of you. I will never forget my fire training in the UK, scared the bejaysus out of me. I know not sleeping is awful but I think in this case its not really abnormal, your subconscious is obviously trying to 'protect' you. One thing that puts me to sleep in 5 minutes is Oprah, perhaps there is a channel with some reruns on for you.

Wildflowers, I respect your right to agree with some of what was said on that thread and don't expect any further explanation/apology. Please take care and blessed be.

WTE, ahem, I think an update is in order? :happy:

Space, I SO know what you are going through. I struggle a lot sometimes and although I work with my pdoc and my GP I often feel like I want to 'lead' as I live with this shit every day and I don't have the money to see them every month. And like two weeks ago something just wasn't 'right' with me and I kept going through everything thing and altering and scanning and somehow with the 12.5 topa titration complete and the occasional Seroquel everything 'clicked' again and now I'm stressed but I'm no longer this quivering wreck.

If I was you, I'd sit down and write down what I'm going to say to my pdoc. You only get to see her once in a blue moon so make sure you make the most of it. The gaba can make you tired but I also think its making a huge difference for you in terms of cravings and pain, so perhaps if you can add something in there to help boost energy or negate the somnolence.

Please come back :rays:, cos you're our sunshine, our only sunshine, you make us happy, when skies are grey...

I have a thousand errands to run, so I'm off.

Hugs to everyone,

:l

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey All! Let?s see ? where did I leave off? HA!

Houtx! If I didn?t know any better I would swear you ?a cutting and a pasting? ! LOL So good to hear from you! I?m sure you?ll darling at the wedding, as you always do in your FB pixs. But LGlut in your V/T??? HA! HA! Only you would be so creative! I don?t dare keep vodka in my house as it seem to evaporate at a rapid pace!

Bruun: Yes, I suppose it?s kind of what part of So Cal you live and what your life style is. I seem to always be on the go and adore sports of just about any type. I?m an AWFUL gym rat as it bores to me tears in no time. But I still carry my ?gym bag? with me in the car ? ready for whatever happens to pop up.

So Ca is an AWFUL place to try and meet men unless you are 25, blonde, big boobs (real or not HA!) and slightly on the stupid side. LOL It IS a very shallow place and makes me often miss living in San Francisco, but my roots are too deeply sunk here now to ever go back. I do adore the climate and the beauty of San Diego and the fact that I can snow ski in the morning and be surfing the same evening in the ocean. We really are blessed with so much diversity and I still find it humorous that a few days of rain or fog and everyone is all crabby because we are so used to not ?having weather?.

Space, yes, I am still ?charting away? my every move. It feels wonderful when I am behaving and watching numbers and averages drop. It?s frustrating when I mess up and yet need to stay honest on my chart to see the numbers head in the wrong direction. UGH.

I?ve been pretty good of recent with a few ?off? times. I still struggle mostly with social situations and how they end up turning out. An example is on Saturday I had two events to attend with two GFs. Both art fairs, one very upscale and the other a cancer fund raiser held at a bar. *sigh* Thankfully I was the one driving, so I had no choice but to stay well in control. But I did have 2 small glasses of wine over the course of about 7 hours so having a glass at home would have been my ?target?. On the way home, a few TXT later and a phone call ? and I learn I am about to have company for dinner. *cough HA!** And the guest arrives with not only steaks and all the trimmings, but four different types of wine. So my plan went to hell again and I?m pissed off that I can?t seem to control those types of situations. FAR from drunk, but over the course of the evening and into the wee hours I managed to drink another 4 glasses.

So proud of you and the strength you are having being AF. Whatever it takes and I hope you get things all sorted out better when you see your DR. I Diz?s suggestion of writing down some notes before you go is a great idea. I don?t know about you, but when I see a DR I always seem to walk out of there only to remember later other things I meant to discuss.

And BTW ?. We?ve ordered a bed for you. What color duvet would you like? HA!

PLAY! Where are our pictures???? How is it going so far? And .. OK, now I am going to ask: How old ARE YOU? LOL

Diz, the bed is darling! Can only imagine the ?breaking it in? ceremony! HA! Don?t make yourself too crazy trying to get ready to go. It will all fall into place and you will be on that plane in no time.

As for me, well, work has been busy and crazy but that is actually good for me as I tend to stay better focused on my goals. Here?s a party we did on Thursday at a country club in the area. We ?theme? everything and this was a 60th birthday luncheon and so it became ?The Six Decades of Sue?. Can?t see it all in the pictures, but we blew up photos from each of her ?decades? such as childhood Christmas, her graduation, wedding day, etc. and had those around the room as well. Her favorite flower is a red rose so that pretty much set the ?tone? of it all. We do full tablescapes so everything from the menus, place cards, special linens, silver engraved mint julep cups (with roses) and of course the florals, is all us ? so it takes quite a bit of organization and work.

[img][/IMG]

As for the Landscaper *ahem* .. my new lawn looks great! HA! He and crew arrived at the crack of dawn last Thursday morning as I was doing my dash out the door. After work he called to tell me he would be back over to ?explain? my new irrigation timer to me. That may not sound funny to you guys, but I have built full manifolds for irrigation all over my property ? so setting a timer is not really an issue for me. HA! But I said yes, as I am trying hard to be a bit more of the ?helpless chick? these days because I really do think it effects guys egos to some degree.

So over he came. I listened patiently as he walked me through the steps of the new timer. We had a glass of wine. More chat and tons of laughter and I get the biggest kick out of his sense of humor. And then my spa clicks on again ? it filters each evening. Mr. Big Ears hears it. His back is sore after all the sod work for the day, blah, blah, blah and so I once again turn the heater on. That damn spa gets me into more trouble! HA! HA!

Well, the housekeeper doesn?t need to change the sheets in the spare bedroom this week! LOL Everything and more than I would have expected from someone so young ? if you know what I mean! I?ve since learned that he was engaged to a 43 year old for some time, so explains a bit. I guess that ended because in his words ?he worked too much? for her. When we are hanging out, both of our phones are ringing, there are 2 laptops on the kitchen counter as we?re bouncing back and forth emails to clients ?. He works as nuts as I do! Then again, when you own your own business and also have a crew to run, well, people just don?t realize that work does not end on Friday at 5:00. It?s the perfect storm.

So, what can I say? If I think too much about how many years there are between us, I make myself nuts. He?s darling, polite, funny as hell, the perfect partner in the kitchen with help to cook and clean up afterwards. He has a body to die for. HA! And yet he is not my future, nor me his. So while I am having a blast with him, there?s a touch of sadness in that. I could fall for this kid. I hear from him numerous times a day in some shape or form and it was him that was over again Saturday night. Lingered a bit Sunday morning and then we were both off to conquer work things again and I got a sweet goodnight TXT from him last night. But isn?t this just as bad as ?Buddy? and that whole situation in that I am now keeping myself busy with Landscaper instead of being ?out there? as I should? Not that anything is anywhere close to serious, but what little play time I have I am now spending with him. And when the hell did I become a COUGAR??? HA! HA!

Trying to stay in the moment. Working hard to get this damn beast under control for good. Stuck in Topa confusion because of the weight issue and it?s still 3 ? weeks until I see my new DR. Holding at 50/100 but terrified every time I get on the scale as to what I will see. So on that front I am just plodding along and doing the best I can to stay my goals. Some days are just easier than others ?.

Time to get back to work stuff?.with love and hugs,

WTE

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

OMG - so much to comment on again and I get on here late at night and too pooped to really do so very well.

I so love everyone's posts - and I agree, we are a mixed lot here...not so much trying for AF are we?! Just support in whatever endeavors we are pursuing and a group therapy for everything else. I'm glad for that. Obviously, not being on anything except self-control, I rely on you good ppl for support, which I get. I don't think we need to be critical or too hard on ourselves AT ALL for not being the strictly AF goal-oriented thread some wish we were. I love everyone's posts - and hope everyone will continue to feel safe and comfortable posting whatever the hell they feel like. Beds, gardens, parents, work, health, dating, marriage...can we just say whatever and run it up the flagpole and who cares if no one salutes?! It's just a big group therapy, like WTE so perfectly described!!

Seriously, that's exactly how I feel...open up the door, c'mon in, sit down, see who else is here, talk about stuff...it's aw good!!

So with that said, WTE/DZ/Space/PLay/...keep coming on! DZ, I am excited and worried about your move. Keep us posted. You & Space are so awesome taking AB and being AF...I can't comprehend. AB scares the Bejeezuz out of me...

WTE, your deal w/ your young gardener is sooooooooooo funny!! And sounds so fun, but yes, I agree - too young. Still, have fun with him on exactly the level you are on. I'm sure he is "digging it" (ack - sorry!!) much more than you can imagine. Good practice for him to be the stud he needs to be for women his own age. You are teaching him the ways of the world, gf!! Love it!!

And suddenly I am having a brain fart and just wanting to go to bed...know I should be commenting on others. DZ/Space & WF - I am soooooooooooo impressed with your long-term being AF. I have read and yet have so many questions about your backgrounds...sounds like lots of probs through the years...parents abusive or not there...? Now you're trying to be the ever-dutiful child taking care of ever-absent/mal-adjusted parents??!! Trying to connect the dots...

I was the child of a mentally-ill mother...can't blame her, but lots of crap in my youth. I soooooooooooo hope I am not doing the same damage to my own children. I truly don't think so...but guilt is a dish served daily in many households. I don't think so in mine. Anyway ~ hope all is well otherwise.

DZ - I'll do a "deep in the heart of TX" essay another time. Take care to all you good peeps around the world! I LOVE this place - let's continue to be here in whatever way we can...the living room WTE describes is sooooooooooooo perfect!!

XO

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all - just want to say thank you all for putting up with my absence. I will be back and post - just going through some really hard times right now. As they say - there IS light at the end of the tunnel and it ISN'T a train coming.

WTE - your tables look BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!!!!

Space - I remember those days of sewing - don't you find time runs away with you? I know you aren't drinking but I would pour a drink and three hours later it would still be there.....(maybe I should take up the sewing again - LOL)

Diz - slow down and breathe...... make lists - I LOVE lists !!!!

Houtx - lovely to see you here too....

WF - an excellent post - thank you - it is good to see it from others point of view...

Cos - I have you in my prayers......

No more for now..... not long in from work, but I just thought I would at least pop in and say hi to everyone. I am off tomorrow and depending on things tomorrow, will post a proper post......

Love and hugs to all,

Sun XXX

[NoraC]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

SUNNI!!!!!!! I am so very happy to see you!!!! I miss you so much!!!! :l:h:l:h

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Nora !!! - Hallo there - I miss you too - hope all is well with you? I have been lurking - LOL did you ever find the car?????? How are the children doing???

Love and hugs to you, :l:l:h:h

love, Sun XXXXX