New here and starting Topa and with a question

[wu1969]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun.. i miss WTE dearly too. My guess is that she is working, or taking the stint our was a little more than she posted. I hope thats all it is. I do have medical training, so i am worried. Just not knowledge when it comes to things like bac and topa, and drugs in general. It wasnt part of my training before i left for Switzerland the first time. Before that, i was going to be a doctor. I had also been accepted into Med school. Then i met the man that took me to Switzerland. Since then, it has been my second home. And med school forgotten. a waisted brain. cest la vie folks.. it is what it is.
what now? Hopefully the topa will work.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi, I'm back from all my errands and eating a nice piece of Trader Joes carrot cake and going to try to catch up with a few posts. I have to do several posts while reading back a few, that's the easiest for me on my I pad.

Sun, I don't have Nora's email address so could you please forward the pictures to her, thanks, maybe I have the address and don't know it:H, Topa you know.

WTE, you may have already sorted out the fake identy stuff with the doc that you like but I'm thinking he might not take kindly to having been lied to, might not want to keep you as a patient but it can't hurt to try, he can only kick you out right:H:H.

Sun, I'm glad you had such a nice day, I sure understand what you are saying about how you seem to be in the same place after so long, with some breaks in there as well. And the question that you ask about "Why don't you do it?", as in take and do all the things that really seem to make things work for you, that is a good question that I think we all probably ask ourselves. I know I ask myself that all the time and I think I have a pretty good idea why I am not motivated to really do it. For me I think my life is lacking in some basic feeling of having something that I am passionate about, you and I talked about this while you were here and both of us know that this feeling has to come from something within. I am also very lonely. I miss living near to my children and being able to be involved with them and my grandchildren on a regular basis. I think I am very bored also, really, I don't want to work all the time but I also can't sit at home or I will just drink. So, I need a big reason to motivate myself to make the changes. But then I don't want a big reason like getting sick or something like that which can happen from drinking to much, I want to be around to see my grand children grow up.

Just look at Rainy, she has a perfect reason to make these changes and she is making the effort, I'm so proud of you.

SO IT IS A GOOD QUESTION and has really made me sit here and think:thanks:

Dear Wu, I so feel for you when you talk about the vicisious cycle of drinking and waking up and wanting to toss the computer, we all can identify with that. About the surgeries, as Sun said if you have the insurance here why not just get the female thing taken care of. The other one for the sinus thing, this is just speaking as a nurse, I've seen so many people get this surgery, which is horrendous to begin with, and it does help for a short time and then the sinus problems return just like there was never a surgery to begin with, in fact my Aunt this surgery don and it did help at first but now is a total failure and she wishes she had never gone thru it, so I would just say to be sure to ask around before you go ahead and get it. And you say you should work to keep you sane, have you worked in the past? Could you do some volunteer work that would give you something interesting to do. As I said before I guess I would go nuts if I just sat home. And yes I bet you and your husband do miss each other, perhaps it is just a short holiday after all.

Space, I'm sure the anxiety is the Bac withdrawal, but I'm so glad you are stopping it, the longer you would take it the harder it would be, so hang in there. And will you be bring the same "heels" that you wore to the wedding?:H

Dizz, hi dear Dizz, so happy to hear from you as always, sounds like you have lots to think about, and it sounds like BF is being so good:h, wow, if you did go home in December is there a certain amount of time that you are required to stay before you can return to the UK?

Need to take a break, will see if I have missed anyone, love you all, bye for a bit,
Play

[wu1969]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun.. i wish she could, but she cant leave my sis alone. and her two kids are really troublesome. my daughter had numerous welts from the bites from the 2 year old. Its ok that things are well on that side. i dont have my antabuse yet anyway. Those kids need so much more,i would give it, but i need antabuse first. They need so much love and care. I did give my 2 year old niece as much as i could before she left, as she has a weight of a one year old. My mother and i actually disagreed with how this child needs more supplementation, and then i told her to just let her have a bottle when she wants it. I would give that girl a bag of m and ms, if i thought she would eat them. She is so undernurished. It breaks my heart, and my mum is fighting me about weather she gets a bottle or not. Really? is this what is important at this point? Lets get some calories in her any way we can. and can we feed her? She is deemed failure to thrive, and i am not giving the right advice? She gained two pounds in my care, 10 percent of her weight. I would have been a doctor, had i made other choices. I decided to be a wife and mother instead, and here i am. an alki. my college gpa means nothing. ( it was 3.9) Now i am just hicupping as i have had too much wine. Really? Well there it is. I soo need this topa to start kicking in.

I did have some good news today.. my daughter can go to school, in the afternoon! I am so happy about this!

[wu1969]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

play.. my infection is this way four times a year. i dont know what i can do anymore. even my daughter cant smell. It may even be a reason i choose to stay in america during the winter months. i am not sure what actually infuriates it! It seemingly came n while i was on the plane. breathing in now.... wishing the whole thing would go away. i have tried so many things.... may try a few more things. Irrigating my nasal passages? perhaps i should try taking the sole salt thing again. I have no idea.. what really works, and i also know, as mum had the same surgery, it didnt work the way she wanted it to, and i was the one helping her with it. thats why i stress over having it. I know what it is and what it means for a couple of weeks. i would say more, but its too much for this site. I am just trying to ride it out, otherwise i will take my flight back and get care over there with no pain meds. It horrifies me, but i trust them. they keep one in the hospital longer. By the time they send you out i guess all you need is ibuprofen. I guess. i always want out of there earlier. Drive through births are not my thing either. Last time i was here in the hospital, it was after labor, and hey were trying to send me out! i couldnt go home to my normal life, so my mum had to take care of me. After two days in the hospital. Now i need something more ... but i am not sure what. Maybe its the balloon thing i mentioned, but it might be more invasive. its kind of hard on me, as i refused the balloon thing 3 years ago. Now, i jst want the whole thing to be over with. I wont really care if they cure it with a balloon, or take everything out. i am so tired of it, as it has been so ongoing. i have had so many operations because of this, to fix it. Even my hubby doesnt see it as something big. Maybe he just wants me home.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi All,
I just read a really scary three page Bac thread entitled, "Baclofen Hell, Please Help", oh my gosh, the girl checked into a psych hospital finally because she was afraid she was going to kill herself from the extreme anxiety and inability to sleep from taking Bac, she is ok thank god, it's short, read it if you have a minute.

Play

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hideedi maties,

I also want to read back as there are posts I want to respond to. re: the thread you are talking about play,yes I do remember her I think, I was wondering why I hadnt jumped in on her thread at first but realised she had two threads going and I was on the other one I think, I hope she is ok now. Bac does seem to have the ability to mess with your head. This brings me to Wu, I am sorry I didnt mean to mislead you that everything was going great for me on bac, because it wasnt, I dont think I said it was, that it why Im now on my third attempt with topa, the first 2 only lasted a day before I paniked. OK I think I need to put the record straight on this thread about my experience with bac for once and for all and then leave it. I first tried bac probab;y over 18 months ago, was going up in dose, got a new job, the se's where too much and I came off it, as far as I can remember. I could go back and investigate this on here but I cant be arsed. Then, lost my job due to going on a bender and just not turning up into work, started bac again, I dont know when I did this, or maybe I hadnt stopped the bac was just taking low dose anyway, throught all this time I was not drinking daily, I was doing the finger in dam thing, stopping, then big benders, then I am not at al clear what happened but at some point I started drinking lagers instead of vodka, and also taking supps and campral and to a certain extend this was ok, but still some smaller benders, so started going back up with the bac got to not a massive dose and I cant actually tell you what happened because I dont know, I was off my head, both drink wise and mentally, I paniked and knew I couldnt carry on going up with the bac as the se's again where too much for me so I started coming down, and since then I have been on quite a low dose, along with campral and sometimes drinking 2 lagers, sometimes 4 but still these getting pissed incidents which are no good, and still days when Im watching the clock to give myself permission to drink,or running in to get the can open as soon as possible with the first drink not even touching the side type of thing, so, my drinking on low dose bac plus campral, while being a long way from my bad old 24/7 drinking days but still not good, in fact a very slippery slope some days. If there was no alternative I would have carried on with it, as that was better than nothing. I had assumed that being on a low dose stopping would be easy, but so far it is proving not to be, with awful anxiety, and this morning, w/d type stomach sickness but luckily I do have valium which I am extreamely lucky as to get them in the UK is not at all easy, I also have my meds for biolar, and I also saw my new psychitrist yesterday who was really nice and even gave me the direct number for his secretary so if I have any problems mentally like some kind of I dont know what, but I can get on to her. So I think I am in a pretty fortunate position right now when it comes to health care. I know a lot of people arnt.

Having said this I have also read the other side of the bac coin, the sucess stories and to talk abouit it wouldnt be right without mentioning that there are those as well. If you want to read them look around.

OK after all that I need a cup of tea so I will come back later to chat about other stuff like heels and such importnat things as that

xx

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Howdeedoodee buddies

Im back I have got my case out of the loft and started packing I am soooooooo super duper excited about Spain, Sun the reason I am worried about money is the flights are not actually all that cheap, it deprends when you book and what days you go ect, but then thers spending money and I also have this things that I shouldnt do things for me, I dont deserve it, I owe it all out, and owe it to my kids to give them and all that kind of stuff going on in my head, plus, Ive never been away like this before and I started getting wet feet I think, but Im so happy Play told me I wasnt allowed to cancel and that I am actually going. Now on to the serious stuff Sun, it was you who got me to get out my pill box last week and put my supps in and since then I have started staking them everyday, so how come you got me to do it but havent done it yourself :bat having said that more importantly whats this about being down on yourself, is that because other peeps have AF time and you dont, if it is well so what, your not them, you are our Sun and you have been doing great, forget the 5 guinesses last night they dont matter, just start again with the supps and stuff and you will be fine. So I want to thank you for getting me to take my supps and L glut, and I also want to thank Play and WTE as well for getting me to get the box and get my meds sorted because I really do need to use one as I take so many pills and I do sometimes dont know if Ive taken one, which leaves me either taking none or two.

Wu, I am wondering why you are there, you are missing your hubby and he is missing you, your sister and mum dont seem to be accepting of your help from the sound of it, why the hell dont they want the 2 year old to have a bottle when shes underweight, I agree, any way to get nutrition into her and a bottle would problably be very good nutritionally for her I think. And also there is something comforting to a young child about a bottle which she could probably do with as well. but if they wont allow it then theres not a lot you can do unfortunately, it must be heartbreaking for you, and this is the problem, how can you get yourself sorted there when so much is wrong there. It seems kind of like a loose loose situation to me, you want to help, they wont let you, you feel bad, you drink, you feel worse, I dont know what to say but I cant see how this is going to be good for you. Then theres your health problems, can you get the womans op there, would that be possible given the lack of childcare youve got there, how long would you be in hospital for could it be a quick keyhole type op, if you could get that sorted there then that would be out of the way and at least you would start feeling a bit better in yourself. I dont know anything about the nose op, when you say they dont give pain meds in Switzerland do you mean to take home with you after you have left hospital or at all? Im confused, but the idea that you could stay longer in hospital and get good care there sounds good and better than rushing such a big thing while you are in US. I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts over the sea, things will work out eventually for you.

I think I have spent too long already this morning on hear, well actually no I dont its time well spent talking to you all, but Ive got to go, Ive go to go to the market to see if they have this bed stall still there to see how much it will cost to replace my sons broken wobbly bed, it may sound odd buying a bed from a street market but my eldest son got one from there last year and it is the most comfortable bed Ive ever lay in and I keep saying this but I should really take a lead from Play and do some housework today :H I hope Im not still talking about the same housework next year

xx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Just a quick post as I have to leave for work in 5 mins - but Space thank you - :l:l you are right in what you said about me saying what I did about the drinks, and the supps - I just needed what you said to me saying to me - if that makes any sense !! And Play - you too - yes, we did talk about it and I needed reminding of that !!

And I have to go - or I will be doing a Nora !!

Back later today - have a wonderful day everyone and thank you so much for being here for me - love you !!!

sun XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I do seem to be monopolising this thread today but, this morning I had a lot of stuff to say and right not I am just desparate for someone to talk to and there is no one else. Its now 10.20 and Im just waiting for a valium to take effect, I stupidly forgot to take one when the anxiety gripped me and just started mopping the kitchen floor instead (!?) ((maybe Im actually possessed by a clean freak spirit)), then I realised I should have taken the valium. I have actually had an ok day really until this evening. I didnt get to the market, my daighter rang me, then my son asked me to do something and time went on but then I decided to do something about the tree in my front garden. This tree is a very nice tree, if it was in a park, or the countryside, or even a very large garden, but not a 40 foot and growing tree in my 10'x15' garden, with its branches against the front of my house and windows and me having to have the light on in my living room of a daytime. So after hardley using my living room because its too depressing sitting in the dark, and looking at this bloody tree for the past few years today me and my eldest son got a saw and cut a branch off, just the one today we only have a small hand saw but its a start, I then cut off the off shoots and twigs and stuff and got my yougest son and his friend to take it round to the field at the back which is fronted by bushes and trees so we are not littering putting a branch in amognst trees I dont think. So I feel like Ive really achieved something by making a decision about the tree and making a start on it, I wont be able to cut the whole thing down all together I dont think because its too big but to get some of the branches off will make a big difference to the light in my house.

OK vaium kicked in so since no one posted since me apart from you sun, and I am so very glad that you needed reminding about the supps and stuff, like I did I will get off and start getting ready for bed.

xx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I am back - Space - maybe you need someone to come and take the tree down - I know it is really expensive and I know that everyone says you shouldn't take trees down - but we had the same situation - a huge tree in the front garden, and eventually we had it taken down for a few reasons - first of all it was diseased and would have HAD to come down in a few years anyway, secondly it was pulling water from under the house and so undermining the foundations and thirdly as it had termites - carpenter ants in English, so we made the decision to have it taken down. I have now got a small cherry tree out there and love it! In the summer, yes it is way hotter in the lounge but we can always close the curtains, and I feel we made the right decision - it WAS expensive bit we did what we had to do.

I am SO happy that you have got your case out of the loft!! You will have a lovely time with Play - she is such a lovely person! So easy to be with. You will really have a great time and a good break. As for not doing things for you - we need to talk about that. And you are so right about the guinness - I have had two so far today - will probably end up with three which is fine with me. Just hated the five..... I just needed someone else to give me a talking to and you did a fine job my friend!!

I am not going to comment on the bac thread - I could never take bac - it scares me silly and I did read that thread and now it scares me even sillier !!

Oh - I am going to ignore Play talking about housework. (Hands over ears, going to my happy place)

I wonder where everyone else is? you could have Pm'd me Space - I usually check my computer when I am home and would have seen you here had you needed someone to chat with......anyway it looks as if you are gone to bed. Sleep tight XX

Wu - I think that what Space says makes sense - it seems that your family so not want to accept the help or advice from you. So you have two choices. You either accept that for what it is or you report them - which obviously you won't do. So, that leaves you with one choice - to accept that they don't want your help re the situation. As far as your niece - her weight seems about right for her age, although on the low side.....but I agree with Space - give her a bottle if she wants it. My eldest was always on the high percentile for height and low for weight and my youngest the total opposite. You can't take over from the mother much as you would like to - unless you decide to do it legally. And THAT is a whole nother ball game. You have to make that decision. Isn't that what made you come to the USA? But you have to decide....... I do not envy you your decision. They are your sisters children. Unless they are in physical danger there isn't much you can do.

It does sound as if you are missing your hubs and he is missing you - you really can't do much over here. Maybe you should rethink everything? your drinking was better in switzerland. You sounded much happier over there - you sound lost over here - you don't sound happy at all. maybe you should do some soul searching and decide what it is that you really want........just my tuppence worth mind you.......

WTE - where are you these days? It seems a day or two since we have heard from you. How are you? Please check in with us. or maybe it is only a day or so and it SEEMS like longer - LOL.

Play - I did FW the pics to Nora - thanks - I should have done that at the time. But I have now. I missed you by about half a minute last night - I went to bed. Have no idea what all that was about last night really. Just get disgruntled sometimes. You are right though - we need a reason to motivate ourselves - we talked about that reason and although it should be a good enough reason, it just doesn't seem to be. Shame on me. I do get cross with myself over this! I do not want to carry this over !!! And re feeling lonely - I don't feel lonely really so much as sometimes feel alone. There is a difference. I have hubs and there is my daughter - they are always here for me. but sometimes I just feel so alone. I think that has to come from inside too.

Anyway - enough of the wanderings. I need to go and iron something for work tomorrow. early again - YEAH !!!

love and hugs to all,

love, Sun XXXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

WTE, where are you? Feeling a tad bit worried about you seeing as how you are just recovering and all, so please post a word of reassurance for us:h

Wu, I'm a little confused about your sisters children and your moms role and also your sisters role. The two year old was diagnosed as "failure to thrive", shouldn't she be in the hospital? That is a pretty serious thing to have happening, and is she being seen by doctors or something, hopefully you will try to make sure that she gets the help that she needs. And I agree with Sun and Space perhaps it's not really good for you to be involved in the situation at all and you should think about returning to hubs:h.


Sun and Space, well, as Sun knows my housework consists of cleaning a very small studio apartment, it sure doesn't take very long, and I don't even have an iron or ironing board:H:H.

Space thanks for taking the time to make it more clear about how your experience with Bac went, I think I'm pretty biased against it, I just think it is too dangerous. Even for the people who have found success with it, they still face the problem of SE and what if they ever want to stop taking it or have an emergency and are without it, it just seems too risky, here I go sounding like someone's doctor:H

Space, just pay to cut down the darn tree and let the sunlight into your house, you are worth it and you deserve it, just like you do deserve to spend some money on yourself and have some fun, you are a beautiful person inside and out. I can't wait to see you in Spain. I'm so sorry that it won't really be beach weather but I think we will find it will be a wonderful holiday no matter.

Sun, yes, I understand about lonely/alone, and even tho I know where the true happiness and joy has to come from, how do we motivate to do it? I am waiting to receive the first weeks lesson and then I guess we can talk about that. I remember when I got married and:l he was an athletic junkie, of course I got pulled along and it was slow going but I was motivated because I wanted to ride bikes, run, etc., with him, and after a year I was so hard core I would ride a hundred miles on my road bike several times a week, plus all kinds of other things. I remember how gradually I built up to it and then it was so easy. I think it would be easier now to have a partner to do it with, like you and Bob, but I don't mean just the drinking, also the meditating, etc. anyway, just thinking out loud.

I'm working early morning so hopefully see you tomorrow night. Don't know what I would do without my friends here, love all of you.
Play

[wu1969]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello everyone! i had actually posted, but my daughters friend wanted to go on my computer, and i lost it.

Sun... i had no idea you were going through any of that! Dont worry about the extra Guiness dear, its in the past. I have been on a bit of a bender, but am now reducing. Shameful really, but what can i do, its the truth. I am now on a program to bring it down. I cant do it so quickly, as my body didnt like being without AL. Now I will only go down with my DRINKING, EVERYDAY. I cant really go back home right now, Space and Sun, as my daughters school is starting. it will get better.. once the schedule begins. Mum and sis live very far away, 8 hours by car, and they have taken my advice.
I wont be able to go home too quickly, as my daughter is finally in school. That will help me also with having a schedule, and also getting out of the house more.

Well, anyway... lots of love to all of you! hugs! XXOO

[wu1969]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I failed to say that situation with my sis and mum is good, just a little strange in the beginning. The 2 year old has been given pediasure on a daily basis, and i had them switch to bottles. I also explained to mum that its comforting, and its not some kind of race to get them off the bottles, but with the failure to thrive more an issue of getting her as many calories as possible right now. Mum doesnt always understand and is still telling stories about me being completely potty trained by the time i was 10 months old.... right. Way back in the day it was a race to get a baby as far away from diapers and bottles as soon as they were born, if they could have gotten away with it. My opinion is more nurturing, and they have to be ready. We dont have to take away all security too soon, and are far too soon introduced to the realities of this world. My approach is much more natural, maybe too much so.

My drinking has escalated, no question there. Some of my posts were written when i was emotional. i also have at the moment an undying hormone issue, with tons of cramping. This makes me very homesick for hubby, and the comfort of being able to go to a doc without worrying about money. Ok, i still have to think about it there for purposes of insurance, but not the same way as over here. Here costs can very quickly escalate to the point that one cant pay anymore. I also would have to decide if i want to bring insurance into it, which means me paying a special premium for being here, and limits my time here... not good for my daughter. She needs to be in school. Her program is only here in America, so here i am.
My brother also asked me why i am here. There are many reasons why, and i cant name all of them. First and foremost is still my daughter, who needs the extra learning. I also have some issues that i need to take care of while here.... just paperwork and legalities really. Some silly little things as my DD was born abroad.

Ok, its time to go to bed. much love..... XXOO

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning All …

I am alive and well, although I feel like a slug these days. Just NO energy at all. Work has been short days and I am grateful to get home and relax. I am guessing it is mostly due to all the continuing weight loss and will address that with more tests in a few weeks after I heal.

I’m sorry I have not been around much, but I feel a bit overwhelmed with trying to get back on track with the shop. And then get stressed, drink wine, day is done … UGH.

So much I want to comment on, and hopefully can do that later today or this evening. Right now I need to sort my desk sorted out and I have my Satellite dish company being changed over at 8:00 AM (in about a half hour) so have to be ready for that install in four rooms.

Thoughts and love and hugs to all … Talk soon!

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dear Wu, you do seem to have a lot going on for you right now and it sounds like you need to try to take some kind of a break, I dont know what from, reducing the drink is a great start tho and will help you feel better. the other family problems are something else and so long as the little girl is safe they are ok, well done for getting them to give her bottles, hopefully that will help her put on weight. I dont know if you have this there but I used to also put Farleys Rusk's or Weetabix in my childrens bottles to make them into more of a meal.

The adults will just do whatever they are going to do.

WTE, Im so happy to hear from you Ive been worried that you might be back in hospital. You will be feeling low and slow right now you have been through a lot and are still going though it, there is stuff not resolved isnt there. You are still healing fron the op and there is the weight loss as well. But I am thinking of you and hoping you get better and feeling good again soon. Try to remember when you did feel good, maybe read back, when I first came on this thread you where such an inspiration to me and you can be like that again. Right now you are ill, but thats not forever just for now. TAke it easy and take good care of yourself.

I had my eyes tested today, I desparately need new glasses anyway, I have been using 3 year old reading glasses and have never know where my distance glasses are, I got the two pairs because it was cheaper than getting bifocals and it drives me nuts, it just does not work for me so most of the time I cant see very well, there have even been a few times when I have put on my reading glasses, got in the car and been driving along for a while struggling to see before I realise why I cant. So also I said when I started topa I was going to get it done, after 6 days on topa I have healthy eyes, no signs of anything nasty, no pressure problems, so I intend to pop back in in few weeks and ask can the just check the pressure again jsut to put my mind a ease totally. So, I have ordered two pairs of glasses, because they are on buy on get one free, they are varifocals and I am really looking forward to getting them and being able to see properly again another thing is my mum came with me as she wanted to see what frames I was choosing and she paid something toward them as well. The bad thing was, this was in the shop I used to work in and lost my job due to goin on a bender and not going in, so all the feeling of regret came flooding back and the thoughts in my head have been lingering for the rest of the day.:upset:

I havent wanted a drink tho until just now when I have just opened a can and drank half down pretty quick, the rest of the day I have just keep forgetting about it. Its like I think of a drink, I want a drink, but dont seem to be able to make myself have one which pisses me off a bit and then I forget all about it, but just then I wanted a drink with no restraint about it. I will let you know what happens later. So far so good really with the topa, Im amazed with the results and Im on day 6! WOW Im thinking this cant actually be it working so soon it must be in my imajination. The other thing is that Im not needing to take the campral all the time either, so I have swapped two meds for one, which has to be a good thing.

Hope everyone has a good afternoon/evening/night

xx