New here and starting Topa and with a question

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dear Dizz and Sun,
Thank you I'm going to see that therapist when I get to Spain and if it doesn't help right away I will start taking my Zoloft again, I'll just give the therapy a chance. By the way, she uses the "Trapped Emotion Therapy Technique" written about by Bradley Nelson, you can look him up, he has been around a long time. She is also a psychologist with a PHD so she is pretty well qualified not just some person doing energy work. I would like to go to one of his seminars but I need to win the lottery first, ha.

Stuck, where are you?

Hope you all are ok this Saturday.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Starting my Zoloft Tomorrow!

I'm giving up on trying to wait, the last time I was this distressed was the year or so befor my divorce, I was almost unable to get up in the mornings, started counselling finally and Zoloft and I felt better.

I recognize that I'm so negative about everything right now, not like the positive person that I usually am, I can't see anything in a positive light, it's time, at least I know that I was able to stop once and feel good, so now my chemicals are low again, if I lived close to that fabulous therapist maybe I would not be like this. I will see her two times in Spain and maybe then I will make the effort to see her once a month on Skype. I'll be able to stop the Zoloft again pretty soon

Bye for now

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Play - I am so pleased that you are starting it again. I think it is for the best - you can always stop it again after seeing the lady in spain for it will take at least a week or two to kick in and with the way that you have been feeling I really am glad that you are going to start it again.

Love and hugs XXXX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Its probably for the best and remember we all use AL as an AD even if its actually a depressant. I'd rather be AL free 5 days a week and on Zoloft than drinking every day, its a much more responsible way to cope with depression. I also think a lot of our depression stems from the modern food industry ie we're not getting enough vitamins and minerals and excercise but much rather Zoloft than wine, which worsens depression year after year. Hugs

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Just home from my daughters house and only now taking the AB. I had the days off and was going to take it yesterday but had forgotten to take it with me and boy did I drink a lot while I was there, now I'm good for four days and I so hope to motivate again before the weekend, I don't want to drink the whole plane trip this coming weekend, what a tired drag that would be.

Ys, Dizz also just took the Zoloft and I hope it might kick in really quickly, perhaps our brains have a memory of the medication and will adjust to it in a few days, yes, Zoloft over alcohol.

Has anybody here had real success in forgiving yourself for all the mistakes in the past? I feel very guilty for a lot of my decisions in my lifetime and being AL free makes those painful things come to the surface. I wonder if I will ever feel good about myself, lots to do with divorce two times and my children not having stable family life and good parenting role models.

Well, bye for now, early day tomorrow, love you all, I'm so lucky to have you as friends.
play

P.S. I'm thinking of looking on an "elder dating site" haha, my kids keep suggesting it possibly to keep me out of their hair I haven't decided and don't have much thought that anything would come of it anyway, but we will see.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Guilt and apologies suck - and agreed, PLay, families are all about that. I'm going thru some shit right now too...

Helping my son move yesterday, came across a check he had misplaced, then later realized the check came from his same aunt who had spent 6 months had sewing a personalized quilt for him. He couldn't find it! Late night, he had no clue where it might be...I know I didn;t pack it or see it. Did his ditzy male roommates use it as padding in the moving van??? Dunno...

I went off on him like a mofo...I was SOOOOOOOOOO mad. Here he'd misplaced not only a $150 check but a personal quilt his aunt made him. He left around midnight and drove the hour back to his empty house, opened up the truck and found the damn quilt, sure enough used as padding. Then spent the night on the floor. Ok - there was AC and plenty of padding on the carpeted floor. But it was all my bad for being so mean to him...damn! I still get mad about it! He did virtually nothing while his roommates and me moved and cleaned. He did the minimal before having to rest (he's about 200 lbs overweight). UGH - so I have texted and apologized in part, but he's taking it to the extreme now. Oh well. The "conversation" needed to be had anyway.

So guilt as a parent on every level drives me nuts. I really felt like he needed to get reemed out, but I'm sorry he retreated and is now punishing me. Same as you, PLay, for criticising or even attempting to say a helpful word to your daughter. It's what I hate about being a parent to an adult child. They are so much "smarter" than you are. HA!! I try not to be that way to my 80 yr old dad. But I am guilty of being mean through the years to my infinitely wise, old dad. Anyway - frustrations here on my home front pale in comparison to some of yours...just sharing.

Last week of school coming up - YAY!! Then everyone keep your fingers crossed I get hired for summer school. Much as I hate it, can't beat the $3500 Xtra for 4-5 weeks. It just goes on so LOOOOOOOng this year!!

XO

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi

I'm also dealing with feelings of guilt and general anxiety. I think it may be the weather also making it worse as its been storming non-stop for days now and two trees fell down in our driveway yesterday. The roof is leaking and we don't have a garage so I woke up every time it hailed, it never hails here!

I guess guilt with children and guilt with parents and siblings are kind of the same although not exactly. My older brother is acting out and I want him to get treated for ADD but for some reason everyone's left that elephant in the room for 39 years. I know adult ADD is controversial but all you need is 5 minutes of conversation with my brother... He has so much damn energy but he never gets anything done as he's always doing 10 things and so his wife basically runs a fashion design shop and he's the house husband/assistant.

But she can be mean like say that she is the one paying the down payments on the house and if she dies, she's leaving everything to her mother, even though he does support her and they are a partnership. She's dyslexic so he does all the books etc. so its not like he does NOTHING I just wish the guy could empower himself before he turns 40. So he can stop feeling like a 'slightly buzzed up hanger onner'.

You know Play, the only part of rehab I enjoyed was the meditation guy. He made us do rituals. I'm sure if you could find a meditation group that does monthly rituals, it would do a lot for you. We climbed this mountain, and then wrote all the things we couldn't forgive ourselves for while overlooking the ocean. Then each of us read our sin out loud, burnt it, and we swam in the ocean to purify ourselves. It was our last day of rehab and it may sound corny but I cried while burning my confessions and I did feel lighter after the swim in the sea.

Sometimes there is something in group rituals. Also, you are a spiritual person and have mentioned you need to make new friends. A small meditation group may be the perfect place to meet like-minded people. I've been to one before that meets up once a week and then has a special healing full-moon meditation once a month. Its powerful stuff.

Not sure meditation is for you Houtx but am sad to hear your son has let himself go. Did something bad happen that made him pile on the pounds? It can be tough for a young man. We feel guilty for being mean but you're right, sometimes the truth needs to get out. Will keep fingers crossed for Summer School.

Sun, the Summer Book is the perfect antidote for dark books I think you'll love it. I love reading first time novels as writers put their heart and soul into it but need to find some new material. I also read two books on women losing their memory - What Alice Forgot and Before I Go to Sleep - the former a book club crowd pleaser and the latter is much better and more of a thriller.

Love and hugs to all.

:l:l:l

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

playland;1514641 wrote:

Has anybody here had real success in forgiving yourself for all the mistakes in the past? I feel very guilty for a lot of my decisions in my lifetime and being AL free makes those painful things come to the surface. I wonder if I will ever feel good about myself, lots to do with divorce two times and my children not having stable family life and good parenting role models.

Play - I have to admit that I do forgive myself for past mistakes - first of all, there is nothing I can do about them so it does no good beating myself up about things I cannot change, and secondly I was doing the best that I thought I could do at the time. It is easy with hindsight to see how things should have been done. I DO feel good about myself now - it took many years to get to that feeling, many tears and many dark days but I DO feel good about me now. Just take it a day at a time and have faith :l:l

Houtx - so sorry about your son - don't let him guilt you into feeling bad. Our children know which buttons to push when they want to. If you said that the conversation needed to be had then it was just a matter of time anyway. You have apologized and cannot do more so the ball is in his court now.

Diz - I have looked up those books and will check them out - still cannot find The Summer Book although I know I did get it. In fact I actually remember reading some of it ... odd.

Your last day of rehab sounded lovely - sort of something along the lines of something my therapist did with me many years ago, but in my head. I wish she was still around as I would go back to her in a heartbeat but she retired and moved.

Well, I need to get to work - VERY long day today but it will keep me out of mischief.

Love and hugs to all,

sun XX

[taw]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all!

Funny you were talking about guilt! I am so disgusted, upset, irritated with myself for how much I drank this weekend! And with my son home. I am so full of guilt, self hate, loathing..which I know will just lead me back to drinking more, but I cannot stop beating myself up! I did not take the AB yesterday as planned, I felt so crappy from having drank so much on Saturday, I started drinking to feel better!

I feel like this will never end! I am going to be trapped forever! :upset:

[Seethepony]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Taw, long time no see -- sorry to hear you're going in circles. The good thing is you don't give up. You'll find a way out.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Taw - sorry you are feeling frustrated. I know exactly how you are feeling - trust me !! I do not ever see a way out of this. Someone told me this thread is depressing. I think maybe they are right - we all seem to be in the same boat. I am sitting here with a guinness - I didn't take my AB today. I need to get my head screwed back on right - and get my act together - all I am doing is procrastinating.

Seethepony - nice to see you - drop in again sometime. It is always nice to see a new face here. How are you doing?

Had an odd day today - only did half a day at work expecting it to be a really heavy day funnily enough - turns out that tomorrow is going to be a really heavy day and today wasn't. Had a dental appt though and spent an hour in the chair - one more to go and my treatment is complete ! I keep biting the inside of my lip though which hurts ! it isn't even numb so don't even have an excuse - guess the contours have changed - LOL. Feeling sort of low so need to buck myself up a tad. SMILE - that makes the way you are feeling change even if you don't feel like smiling - really !!! So I am grinning from ear to ear now !!!

love and hugs to all,

love, sun XXX

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi ladies, sorry I haven't been around lately. Haven't had a chance to read back much, but sounds like ya'll could use a little levity around here.

And... no, I don't have any. What I do have is a f*cked-up blender from trying to make a fruit smoothie without any milk or rum or anything in it. Just frozen fruit and ice. And let me tell you, that does NOT make a smoothie. Not even ice cream, really.

Anyway, not even sure what's going on with me these days. Went to sleep at like 8 last night. I know I woke up a couple times, but never got out of bed, and then woke up for good just before 6 this morning. Didn't feel rested at all, and for whatever reason started getting all panicky. Maybe just staring down another damned day, not really knowing what to do with it, and not feeling like I'm up to doing what needs to be done... Whatever it was, it sucked, and I ended up digging through my cabinets to find and pop 1/2 a benzo. Haven't touched those in a little over 2 weeks... Still haven't drank, a little over 3 weeks now.

Went for a jog this evening, like outside n' shit, and something about exercising makes me want to drink like nothing else. Maybe it's the endorphins starting to peak through, or maybe it's feeling like I've earned a night of unwinding and relaxing and getting trashed and being happy, or... but whatever it is, it sounds like a super good idea and so I just took a shower and called a friend and talked for a little while.

And then nearly gave my blender a heart attack on chunks of frozen fruit.

:l:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Im kind of glad that we are talking about guilt, I dont know if I can ever get over what I have done to my children in the past. The guilt felt as a mother to her children is, I think, unique. Especially if we are on our own or not with the childrens father who could be there to share responsibility, so Play I dont know what to say to you about that. I too have done the rituals like you said Dizzy but thats really not going to work with me and some of the stuff I have done, my son still suffers every day of his life for what Ive done, thats never going ot go away and I have to own up to my own responsibility for it. I know I cant change ther past and whats done is done and all that but it doesnt change how I feel. And these thoughts and feelings have surfaced after I stopped drinking, one of the reasons I could never stay stopped before. However, I did used to drink to stop me thinking and now I need to find other ways of dealing with it, the best thing I have found so far is distraction, doing something else to take my mind of it, to the extent of having tv programmes playing while I fall asleep because I am scared to be left alone with my thoughts, that and medication and hopefully time. I am still on the list for therapy and in no rush, I honestly dont think that should be taken on lightly and only when I am strong enough for it, also I will have to be well enough for it as well otherwise its just a waste of time.

Play its good that you are acting possitively and taking the ad's since they have worked for you before, but why are you considering such a short course I have always been led to believe that its best to take them for around 6 months would you consider that even if you start to feel better after seeing the therapist you need to make sure the change is as long term as possible and I think ad's are supposed to give you a window of space in which to get well. Are you listening to the Wendi cd's? I have started everyday again and hope to try and stick with it. I do want to try and get some more tho as I dont need the drink ones anymore but do want feel good stuff now, I will look online and see if I can find anything and let you know if I get anything good to share with you.

Stuck well done, you are doing so well, I think its already been said and you already know that being sober isnt easy, you have to start dealing with shit, sleep, panic, anxiety and all kinds of other things but I do hope things start to get easier for you. Its strange the things thst can make us want to drink, especially when they are healthy things like jogging. Eating breakfast is one for me, I think it must kick something off inside my body, well I know it does it kicks off my metabolism, and I then want to stuff my face with junk food all day or drink, but if I dont have breakfast I dont feel hungry until evening. I dont know much about making smoothies although when I have had the impulse to do them we have made some lovely ones, and some awful ones, cant remember what went into which tho.But I do know you need some kind of liquid, so frozen fruit and ice wouldnt do it, you should maybe add some fruit juice as well and less ice.

Today I am feeling a bit better, I have been a bit unstable over the past few weeks, apart from when I was away, where I felt really well, I mean it was strange my pain was much better and my mental state also, I only messed up in my head once which is amasing for me. Anyway I know I have been feeling hypomanic by my behaviour, there is a massive difference to hyperactive here by the way which I am not at all. but this morning I am feeling a bit better, except for the fact that I ate breakfast not so long ago, which as I have just said kicks of my wanting to eat chocolate which I have been pretty bad with over my hols and since but also makes me feel bloated and gives me stomach pains so I think I will go back to just having a yogurt for breakfast and leaving it at that.

I havent done anything yet about the internet dating, it needs taking photos which I am not photogenic at all so thats a hard thing to find and also writing stuff about me but I hope to get my daughter to help me and spend the day with me to do it. I dont really think it will go anywhere much, I am not looking for a new full time partner, after being on my own with the kids for so long I dont think I could but just want to get out and meet some men and see how it goes, I could meet Mr right maybe I never know but Im not going to meet anyone sitting in my house am I. Sun I think because you have been married for so long it is different for you to even start to think how you would be if you where to suddenly be on your own. Also I think after all these years single its maybe time I started fishing as Im not getting any younger.

[bugpieper]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Taw, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, God I have beeen there on so many occasions. Can't go back though, can only go forward so your wasting your time feeling sorry for yourself. Today's a new day....Do Something that makes you feel good inside!! ARe you taking Topa? or any other anti craving med? what's going on?
Everybody else, I haven't been posting alot, but Im still here, been working alot on my rentals, keeping me real busy, was so physically tired last night, i went to bed at 9 w/o drinking anything, feel great today!!! The night before had some wine with dinner and thats all...in my book , thats just about af. haha..... i didn't even get a buzz i mean common.....anyway......going to be a busy month for me. Finishing up one rental moving onto 3 more. My daughter is moving on the 17th to Madison from Chicago as my son-in-law graduated from med school, yes i am now the proud mother in law of a Doctor!! and i have to go up and help her for a while, (she thinks im moving in for a month) ha, i have so much to do for my rentals. My soninlaw is doing his residency in Madison. , My brother and his wife and 2 kids and my namesake *(buggy) are coming for the 4th weekend, I was just at their house 2 weekends ago for 3 days, and i havent even touched my own gardens , haven't mulched or weeded, and i have almost 2 acres and tons of burms...........slow down bug, your getting overwhelmed...anyway, so I have alot to keep myself busy for a while and am damn glad about it!!'
You are all on my mind and in my heart, Bug

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Re Guilt and Other Things!

It's afternoon here and I'm home now working at getting ready to leave, packing is hard for me mostly just in the little things that I take for my daughter's family, peanut butter, maple syrup, pecans, vitamins, medication for my granddaughter and yesterday a bag of clothes for my grandson and granddaughter came from gap and old navy, my daughter had ordered them and I will take them. Oh yes, lets don't forget the "surprises" for the kids:h

As for packing for myself, I either take ten times more than I ever need, stuff I somehow think I might use but never do or take almost nothing and go crazy with that. So this time I'm packing very carefully, laying it all out and then putting things back later.

So Houtx,
What an ordeal with your son and was he at college? I think I have missed out about how old your kids are and they must be in school as they come home for the summer. And yes our kids usually don't want our advice but we give it anyway, i'm never really able to keep my opinions too myself. My kids are pretty good about it, they have been on their own for years and I think my daughter is just unable to think rationally right now rather than just not wanting me to hear me. Hey, good luck with the summer school.

Oh Dizz, the situation with your brother, how stressful that must be. Do you get along well with his wife? I have a feeling you probably do as you strike me as someone who gives a lot of thought to your interactions with people.
The meditation rituals sound wonderful but I'm not sure how to go about finding something like that. First I have to become part of a group and haven't even ever done that more than just attending a few meditation classes, perhaps that is where to ask for more detailed info on groups. Thanks for that suggestion I'm going to put it on my list and hope I can motivate.

I'm going to take a break for a bit as this is turning into a long post. I will go start the laundry and maybe continue here after while.