New here and starting Topa and with a question

[bugpieper]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

me here, the trip to chicago to spend with hubbys daughter blew up. I got drunk, step daugher said something to me that set me off, she started crying, (she totally overracted, she was drunk too) hubby got super mad at me, it was all my fault of course), he's not talking to me now, I HAVE TO QUIT, I AM RUINING MY LIFE, MY FAMILY HATES ME...I HAVE TO QUIT, I HAVE TO QUIT. I HAVE TO QUIT. GOD I HAVE TO QUIT.............................................. .................................................. ................................

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Maggie, I am going to do the 25 for a week and then go to the 50. Why are u doing the 25 for two weeks instead of one? Just curious.
I drink wine. Always have. Never really went to any of the "hard" stuff. This drinking is just making me depressed and making my OCD worse.
I have been drinking this weekend. Even though I really didn't want to and was doing so well. The boyfriend and I keep on constantly arguing and things just don't seem to be going well at all and he just doesn't seem supportive. This is becoming increasingly frustrating and amidst all the other stress I have in my life it would be NICE if he were there for me.
Ugh. Why?!!?
I hate everything right now.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Bloody hell Sun you can remember a hangover from 19 years ago!!!! and that was the last one, I wish I didnt get them I do think they where the reason for the daytime drinking starting years ago, I needed a drink to get rid of the awful illness from last night. I do hope that you and hubby can do it together and help each other, will you get rid of all the booze in the house I do find that if its not there after a certain time of evening I cant be bothered going out for it anyway. Do you think you drink just because you like it or its got to be a habit, in your case because you dont drink that much and arnt tempted to get drunk I dont think you are actually addicted but its obviously been bothering you for a long time so I hope that you do it. I do have to disagree with the idea that taking ay medication to help stop drinking is handing power over to an outside sibstance, I think its using a crutch and if I broke my leg I would use one not say no I need to walk by myself but we all have our own opinions.

Oh Bugyou poor thing having such a badtime,it sounds like evrything go blown out of proportion so please try not to take all the blame. You have been trying so hard and it is even harder to make chnges when you are feeling so down on yourself, do you think you could try and go for one night without a drink a week because that would be a good accomplishment and make you feel better about yourself nd in yourself the next day, Im sure we all know that alcohol is a depressant so by drinking it we feel bad, so then need to drink more to stop the bad feeling and on and on it goes. You can beat this and you will.

Bri Im sorry to hear your having a bad time as well, its good to have each other on here so we can come on and talk about it without being judged, I do hope that you manage to patch things up with you bf, maybe he doesnt know how to support you or is just wrapped up in his own crap right now to be able to help. I do hope you get it sorted. There have been times too that I have drank even whne I dont really want to I dont know what thats about. Maybe fear of it not being there.

Well today was my sons 14th birthday and we have had a nice day, got back from the cinema not too long ago and he enjoyed that, we saw Wolverine he enjoyed it but I was struggling to keep my eyes open right through it and couldnt really get into it. i havent had a drink today although i did feel like getting some earlier for when I got in and probably would have if it wernt for the antabuse but either way Im glad I didnt because I dont want one but if it was there I might have drank it anyway. Tommorrow I would be able to drink so dont know if I will choose to do that or take assnother half a pill, I will see how I feel. I see my therapist in the morning but she has firm views in that if youve had a drink prooblem you need to stop drinking all together so just having a few is not good so i dont think I want to waste my time with her talking about my drinking. I havent noticed any difference in cravings since being back up on the full dose of medication and really it has been worrying me that I take so much and feel so tired an crap everday so i am thinking of making a plan of reducing 3 meds in total but obviously doing it one at a time so it will take months to even get them down by half but I do hope I get more energy by doing it instead of being zombified up half the time.

Love space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Bloody hell Sun you can remember a hangover from 19 years ago!!!! and that was the last one, I wish I didnt get them I do think they where the reason for the daytime drinking starting years ago, I needed a drink to get rid of the awful illness from last night. I do hope that you and hubby can do it together and help each other, will you get rid of all the booze in the house I do find that if its not there after a certain time of evening I cant be bothered going out for it anyway. Do you think you drink just because you like it or its got to be a habit, in your case because you dont drink that much and arnt tempted to get drunk I dont think you are actually addicted but its obviously been bothering you for a long time so I hope that you do it. I do have to disagree with the idea that taking ay medication to help stop drinking is handing power over to an outside sibstance, I think its using a crutch and if I broke my leg I would use one not say no I need to walk by myself but we all have our own opinions.

Oh Bugyou poor thing having such a badtime,it sounds like evrything go blown out of proportion so please try not to take all the blame. You have been trying so hard and it is even harder to make chnges when you are feeling so down on yourself, do you think you could try and go for one night without a drink a week because that would be a good accomplishment and make you feel better about yourself nd in yourself the next day, Im sure we all know that alcohol is a depressant so by drinking it we feel bad, so then need to drink more to stop the bad feeling and on and on it goes. You can beat this and you will.

Bri Im sorry to hear your having a bad time as well, its good to have each other on here so we can come on and talk about it without being judged, I do hope that you manage to patch things up with you bf, maybe he doesnt know how to support you or is just wrapped up in his own crap right now to be able to help. I do hope you get it sorted. There have been times too that I have drank even whne I dont really want to I dont know what thats about. Maybe fear of it not being there.

Well today was my sons 14th birthday and we have had a nice day, got back from the cinema not too long ago and he enjoyed that, we saw Wolverine he enjoyed it but I was struggling to keep my eyes open right through it and couldnt really get into it. i havent had a drink today although i did feel like getting some earlier for when I got in and probably would have if it wernt for the antabuse but either way Im glad I didnt because I dont want one but if it was there I might have drank it anyway. Tommorrow I would be able to drink so dont know if I will choose to do that or take assnother half a pill, I will see how I feel. I see my therapist in the morning but she has firm views in that if youve had a drink prooblem you need to stop drinking all together so just having a few is not good so i dont think I want to waste my time with her talking about my drinking. I havent noticed any difference in cravings since being back up on the full dose of medication and really it has been worrying me that I take so much and feel so tired an crap everday so i am thinking of making a plan of reducing 3 meds in total but obviously doing it one at a time so it will take months to even get them down by half but I do hope I get more energy by doing it instead of being zombified up half the time.

Love space x

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey there, everyone. Just popping in 'cause, well, 'cause nighttime gets to be super-unfocused-mindless-boring-time often these days. Yesterday I laid down in bed for a quick "nap" around 5. Got up at 8 to stuff my face full of hummus and pita bread, and then went back to sleep until this morning. Grrr.

But otherwise things are still OKish. Driving again (after 2 years) is really nice. But everywhere there is to go costs money. Like, I could go to the store, but then I'd just buy things I don't need. Or even groceries--I need some, but don't feel like shopping for them. I have been getting out and ice skating a lot in the last couple days, though, and that's been good. It's some exercise, and I enjoy it, unlike running, which I hate but still do sometimes anyway. So I went skating Thursday, yesterday, and today, and now my feet are very blistered and hurt a lot, which is annoying. And I went to some hockey equipment stores yesterday and didn't really buy anything but looked around quite a bit.

My plan was to walk into this store and dress up in all the equipment and roll around on the floor giggling until someone stopped me. But my nerve gave out right when I walked in.

So that's really about it. Except that I've been having some anxiety lately. The low-grade lack of energy and kinda sadness has been constant, but the anxiety is a sonofabitch since those attacks are why I gave up drinking in the first place--so for it to be back at all just pisses me off. Though from what little I know about post-acute withdrawal syndrome maybe it's to be expected? It just sucks. Maybe I just need to get some flippin' work done so I feel successful at something. That might help. Get out of this desperation and failure mode, that kind of thing.

Bug, try not to get too down about the situation and what happened. Sounds like everyone was drinking and those things just kind of blow up and it isn't anyone's fault, really, it just happens and it blows and then at least usually it blows over, too.

And Bri, I totally hate everything, too. It's not a bad thing it just means everyone around you needs to be on their best behavior. And you asked about the topa schedule? It just has to be the 25/25/50 thing because it does--I don't know why...

This got to be a pretty long post. Sorry. OK, that's it. I'm off to continue celebrating my cat's birthday. 'Night, all! :l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Stuck please dont apologise for it being a long post, I love to hear frm you and it gives me something to read Well done on getting your driving licence back but yes there are only so many things you can do that dont cost money but the ice skating sounds fab, I envy you being young enough to do all these things, but really thats crap because I could do pleanty myself I just dont bother, I still havent got back to zumba even tho I loved it and it was cheap so I have no excuse.

Your right, the "newness" of not drinking wear ff p4retty quick and then the boredom and sameness of everyday kicks in, in reality when drinking the dasys where the same as well. I do feel for you about the anxiety and the sadness and a few of us who get it after stopping drinking, I know I did big time and I dont really know what you can do about it, trying to do things that take your mind off it for the sadness and maybe guided meditation/hypno cd's I know they did help me for a while. But the anxiety I still have and some days are better than others but the constant low level anxiety is motly always there and then it can kick in bad sometimes which really sucks, I am in therapy, taking meds and nothing so far really seems to be helping with the anxiety much, we should both keep on trying to find something tho and let each other know what we are doing and how we are getting on, I do want to try the cd's again but want some new ones specifically for anxiety as the ones Ive got are mostly for stopping drinking, quitting smoking (still havent managed that one) and just a few toers which I have listened to too many times. I will have to look onb line and see what I can find.

I just took one Serequel last night, instead of two,thats an anti psychotic that I take for bipolar but mine is just a low dose so is mostly for sleep and also supposed to help keep me on an even keel and help with anxiety, well as I just told Stuck it hasnt helped with the anxiety, I dont think its affected my mood really but it has helped me sleep some so I didnt have a good night last night but thats what I expected to happen for a while anyway until my body gets used to the lower dose, at the same time I am hoping to start feeling better during the day without as much constant tiredness although I am still taking other meds that cause it.
After taking that half an antabuse last week so I didnt drink over the weekend f my sons birthday I could have had a drink tonight, but instead have taken another half so now I cant drink until Thursday, so far the cravings are much the same but since I know I cant drink I hope to get more used to accepting it and not thinking about it. Also I like the fact that I can make a new decision not to drink anytime I want. i know that if I hadt taken it lasdt week I would have drank and it has laso stopped me building up to another bender which is my greatest fear because I canr bear hurting my sons anymore by my heavy drinking of the past, that definately needs to stay in the past no matter how I go about it now.
Ive got my therapist this morning and have no idea what we will be doing today, goal settings I think but I have not been at all interested in building my relationships with other people over the past couple of weeks so need to get back to that and send a few Whats Apps out.

Im looking forward t hearin from you all,Dizzy please let us know how you are doing, have you moved yet, I know you have a lot on but if yu read this can you just drop a quick line. And Play, you are back from Spain now so I wich you could give us a quick line to say how you are.
Im also missing Houxt and often wonder how WTE is, apart from my just wanting everyone to post more because I like it I think because I have had so much help from comming here I want eveyone else to get that as well. I dont know where I would be without MWO its been the only thing ever to really help me with my drinking and even tho it took a while I believe I am getting there, but as I say I also believe this will probably be a lifelong thing for me and as such there will be hard times and good times but I dont think I will ever go back to square one so long as I have you lot, i am probably too dependent on this site maybe as I sometimes think how devastated I would be if it where to close, I dont know who runs it or how its run but whoever is doing it has been keeping me alive as my drinking was killing me and has also given my kids there mum back. I couldnt dream of having more really MWO has been the greatest gift I have ever had but I so often forget that.

lv Space xox

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sorry me again, I forgot to say I am starting taking more vitamins and supps which I had from when I started doing the MWO programme and also am back taking L glutatime. I wish I wasnt on so many other meds as I would go back on tpa in a flash but because of all the meds I take I would be too scared to add any by myself and my doc wont prescribe it. I already tried getting it for migrains but he wouldnt give it to me for that and wont prescribe off label at all and that was before I was taking all the new ones.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

Wowee, there is way too much here to comment on and I will never get around to it, checked in twice with the intent to and faltered, so I'm just going to post a short post before I totally get lost.

I was depressed last week as my visa took too long to make my original flight (tomorrow) and my mom's depressed again and my dad's stomach issues are back, it may be cancer again.

This morning, however, my visa arrived and I'm going to fly out on Thursday no matter what's going on on this side. I wanted to stay for seven weeks and stayed seven months and enough is enough.

I'm glad to hear there are so many people not drinking or aspiring not to drink. I myself am also not drinking as I have a bit of a cold and I need to pack and sort things and shake this yucky feeling before I leave.

Like I said I can't possibly reply to everyone's posts since my last one but I'll try to check in again tomorrow to catch up. Good luck with your abstinence date Sun! And you're sounding very positive and full of beans, Space.

:l:l:l

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

aaawww Space - that was a lovely post - and yes I agree that MWO is wonderful! It has helped me enormously too just by being here and talking to others in the same boat - and making some wonderful friends !!

Good for you popping the AB so you still can't drink .... I am so proud of you ! It sounds so positive for you. Hope that your appt goes well today.

Buggy - so sorry that you are having such a bad time right now. Maybe trying the AB will help? You need to print out your post that you made and keep it close to you and whenever you get tempted - READ IT !!!!

Bri - so sorry b/f isn't supportive - that makes things so hard. It is so much easier when the other half supports you..... just keep trying and eventually you will get there. How are you feeling on the Topa?

Dizzy - I know what you mean when you havne't posted for a while - it is overwhelming - the best thing to do is to just jump back in. SO happy that the visa finally came through for you. Sorry about your mum and dad though - but as you said, you were only meant to stay 7 weeks and here you are 7 months later.... (gosh is it really 7 months??).

Anyway - I have to get to work.....

hugs to all, Sun X

[bugpieper]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

didnt drink yesterday, hid in my room all day.....upped my topa to 150....not gonna drink today i hope...

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dizzy you have waited so long for your visa it must be such a relief to finally be sorted to fly here and be with your hubby in the UK. I am sorry there are problems with your parents but you are right to leave you have done all you can and now its your time to live your life.

Sun have you got anything sorted for Wednesday, maybe soft drinks that you like in stock, chewing gum to have something to do with your mouth, mouthwash so you wouldnt enjoy either a cigarette or a guinness, Im just thinking of ways that may make things easier for you. And to get yourself a reward at the weekend for doing so well, something to look forward to, maybe you and hubby could go out somewhere nice together. Or you may just already have your own plans in which case just ignore what I just said I was just thinking out loud really of ways I should prepare myself to stop smoking maybe.

Bug I am so prooud of you, I knew you could do it, now you have got your first day out of the way what are your plans, I see you said you have gone up to 150mg of topa so I hope that helps and it may even be all you need if you can manage to stay off the booze. Whatever happens you are doing fantastic I am really happy for you.

This is the second time I have posed today, I feel like I need to post more right now just to check in and listen to myself I think. I went to see my therapist and that went well, I creid again!!!. I have hardly ever cried in years I have always tried to keep a plug on my feeling because Im scared of them so I think we are going to try to work on that, she is away on holiday next week so it will be two weeks now before I see her again which seems like such a long time to me, I also asked her about howmany sessions I can have with her as I am already worrying about my time with her finishing and she told me it was 16, maybe she could push it to 20 at most if I need more, I have had4 so far so I have another 3 or 4 months left and I realise I have to put work in myself to getthe most out of this. I have waited so long to be ready in myself to do this and then to find a good therapist on the NHS.

I am glad I took the antabuse this morning as I do think I would have got drink today if I hadnt. I have been wondering why I have drank again and I am seeing a pattern in that I have had 6 months without a drink several times now and I dont know whats going on with it. I was thinking it is boredom but I dont think its that, maybe a feeling of missing out but I know Im not really missing out on anything especially when I drink at home, that just makes me feel lonely and down. I think there is something tho in trying to recrate the past. If I had one with it would be to go back 10 years and change everything, not let the drinking go out of control and all the other things that happened at that time. But the weird part of wanting to go back to that time is the fact that I did drink then and I somehow want to feel the way I did before it went wrong, when I was happy and sociable and active and loving towards my kids who where the centre of my life. And that is what I have to accept is that I cant go back, all I can do is make the best of now. Always looking back will make me miss out on the now which is what I should be doing.

I also viseted my sick old aunt today, she has now got carers going in 4 times a day becasuse she has beenn so unwell, she hadnt been eating or drinking fluids and also hadnt been taking her medication for weeks, in fact Im surpised she survived it but she did. So now she is complaining about everthing, she doesnt like the carers comming in, she has even accused them of stealing her tv times magaxzine!!!! as if anyone would, but the worst part is that she is phoning my mum all the time asking her to go around and see her, she is such bad company it takes it out of me to spend more that 30 minutes with er and I have toldmymum that she has to say no to her and limit herself to twice a week.

So thats me in as nutshell, another long long post, I think I am using up all the pages here right now but I need to.

lv space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Just a quick check in, I slept better last night, only woke once for around an hour but I can live with that and just hope it improves and I start feeling better of a daytime as I get less tired. Obviously didnt drink due to antabuse but today so far at 2.15pm I am not thinking of wanting a drink. Still keeping up on my goals of getting a shower and getting dressed daily although last night I forgot about the bedtime one and this morning forgot about the eating something for breakfast one so I will have to start working on them more over the next few weeks until they get more normal.

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Space!

Really glad that MWO is a good outlet for you. Just wanted to let you know I am reading and thinking about you, even if not posting replies as much as I probably should.

A "normal" routine is a really good goal. And it sounds like you're starting a good one. My morning routine sucks--cigarettes, coffee, sitting around on the computer... But last night I did some stretching before bed, and then read before going to sleep. That was pretty nice. Going to try to stretch more and get more flexible in case I decide to pursue playing hockey. Not sure why I mentioned that, other than that's what I'm doing...

:l

[bacon]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello everyone! Quick intro... I am a single mom and I have been drinking heavily for about 7 years. I have tried vivitrol, Antabuse, campral, and naltrexone with no luck. I have been able to cut down somewhat over the past year but not enough. I have a horrible headache right now from that bottle if wine last night. I want to be done. I hate this cycle that I am stuck in. My doc will not prescribe topamax. I know that you can get it from river pharmacy but I am wondering if anyone knows where to get cheaper generic topiramate. As I said before, I am a single mother and money is tight. Thanks for any info

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there Space and Bacon .... first of all, welcome Bacon - I am curious - why the name Bacon????

Anyway - I get my Topa from my doctor so have no idea where you might get a generic. Why won't your doc prescribe Topa? I took a ton of stuff in from MWO for mine the first time and explained that I had done my homework ...... and he agreed to go along with it. i also took the titration schedule with me so he knew exactly what and how much to give me. maybe someone else has an idea about the generic for you? Good luck and lovely to see you here !

Hi there Space ...... well, today is my last day for Guinness ands smoking. I am sort of relieved !! At last it is out of my hands ! I know I am going to do it - my therapist has been helping me and she is in my corner for this too. Did I mention that my brother and hubs are also quitting AL with me?

I think it is good that you are crying with your therapist - even if you don't usually cry - it isn't good to keep emotions in - let them out !! And yes, you must make the most of this - my therapist is NOT cheap and I love her - she is worth it to me as she is really sorting me out ! She is so different !! Which suits me just fine - LOL.

When I stoppped drinking before I had that same feeling Space - I am hoping that this time, with my therapist I won't have them - or if I do, that I can sort them out with her. I am hoping to go to Spain when I am in UK to visit her and meet her in person.

I am happy that your aunt finally has carers going in and visiting her - it really did sound as if she needed them. It is obviously very draining for you to visit with her though - so I think your limit of twice a week is a good idea.

Buggy - please tell me that you didn't go from 50mg to 150mg of Topa? It doesn't work like that and jumping to a higher dose won't work..... I cannot remember what dose you were on before?

Hi Stuck - nice to see you - yes, I like routine which is why I changed my position at work - now I actually have a routine which of course will change now that I am quitting AL and cigs !!! I will have to find something to fill my time !! Your idea of playing hockey sounds good - have you ever played before?

Well, just wanted to pop in and post - love and hugs to all,

love, Sun X