New here and starting Topa and with a question

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Yes you can do it Sun, well done

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Another day AF yesterday and it would have been a hard one i thought - out in the garden for the day on the weekend but it was fine !

Where is everyone?

hugs, sun XX

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Wow, Sun, what do you about the cravings. Are you doing this without any suppliment help. Makes you wonder is this addiction a mind set or an addiction. Good for you. I need to move up to 50 topa but i have been so tired. I don't know if it is the stress or the topa.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Meggie - I have had no cravings...... I have decided it IS (for me anyway) a mind set. I am taking no supplements. Something has changed in my mind - I can't explain it. I feel so different this time and the drink has taken a different feeling with me. It did cross my mind yesterday that a guinness would be nice but the second it crossed my mind a second thought crossed it saying "no it wouldn't" and I had a fruit juice instead. I just don't NEED the AL now ..... my therapist has had a lot to do with this by changing my emotions and feelings regarding AL - we worked on why I drank ..... and by working on that, changed those feelings. This for me, has been monumental.

Were you tired before you started taking the Topa? What time of day do you take it? Are you eating properly? Do you exercise? You could try taking the Topa at a different time and see if that makes a difference...... hoping you can find a reason for the tiredness and that it isn't the topa !!

hugs, sun XX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Me again...... and another AF day yesterday. Feeling good. Will some other people post please? I know we have quiet spells but this is really quiet..... LOL

Hugs to all,

sun XX

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I have been meaning to do some brain research because I think we could do some brain rewiring. So how many days does this make for you. I take my topa at about 6. I wake up tired. I fell a week ago and hurt my hand and an arm. So my body hurts. I do eat very well and healthy.
Since you are the garden lover, what can I do with lemon balm.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there

I'm supposed to get updates when there is a new post and there were no new posts for a while but then when there were I also didn't get the update, I guess its a bit hit a miss with that one.

Meggie, as far as I know lemon balm is supposed to make a very calming tea.

Sun, I'm so glad you are doing so well! :goodjob:

Space, no I'm by no means the main wage earner, I just speculated that maybe in the waaay future I could be as he is 10 years older than me and he is very high up in IT but it is not a job that people can do until very late in life, so there may be a point where I may be the only wage earner I'm a writer but I can also do PR and admin jobs if I have to.

I don't think I really have bipolar either but I do think I have really bad depression as even though the Topa did work for a while even that stopped working, which means I have been depressed for most of my adult life. Have been drinking too much the last couple of days as well so am going to take three days off just to catch up on my work and house work, cant keep going on like this.

Have been thinking about kids lately and although I always assumed I wanted one or two I am now wondering whether it may just not be easier not to have any. Its just that for someone struggling for major depression I'm not sure how I'll cope with the major demands of especially the baby and toddler phase. Hubby have no particular need but said he will if I want to, which leaves the decision up to me.

What's happened to everyone else? Please check in.

:l:l:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi sorry everyone that I havent been here but I have found a new temporary addiction which is watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, everytime an episode starts I say right I will turn off after this one but then wghen It finishes I NEED to see the next one to see what happens. Anyway apart from that nothing really top say, I havent had a drink but my mood seems to be pretty permanately low these days although I have been having some behaviour of mania, ie overspanding is a big but very common bipolar thing for me and something I really need t o learn how to control. The only way I do it at the moment is not to go out, its not massive maounts by most peoples standards, but the fact that everytime I spend a few pounds Im putting myself more in debt is all mounting up and I can o nly cope with it by putting my head in the sand and pretending itsd not happening.

Dizzy sorry to hear your not feeling great and been drinking too much, I think its not so much the amount we drink thats the big problem its the way it affects our lives, the fact that things are starting to slide and you are getting behind because of the drink is the problem. I hope you can sort this out as you do sound a bit mixed up right now. How old are you is the big factor in thinking about kids now as it is whether you have time to really think about it or will that choice be taken from you. How much does having a child mean to you. My daughter who is 26 and married has been trying for a child for a few years. She has been for asll the tests and they say there is nothing wrong with her but her husband (really cowardly and selfishly I think) has so far refused to get his sperm tested. She says if she cant ever have a child it will break her heart and IIm not sure how long she can wait for him to decide. Before they got married he did agree that he wanted children and would get tested. The reason I am telling you this is to ask you do you feel like that. I have brought up three children with having my depressions and its only over the past few years it has affected my ability and that was because it caused me to self medicate with alcohol, if the drink hadnt happened and got a grip of me then I dont think it would hasve affected me as much. No parent is perfect, in fact far from it so dont go exagerating your faults, if you did have a child it would love you anyway whatever your illness.

Sun great news, keep it up, You sound well but then again you mostly do so are you feeling better in yourself without the drink. Last time you stopped you said you felt sluggish, or dragging I think was the word you used, hasve you had that this time.

Hi Meggie sorry to hear about your fall I hope you heal soon. To answer your question about addiction I have always thought it is two parts, one is the physical dependence, which makes us drink every day otherwise we get ill without it and that becomes worse with the more you drink until it is dangerous to stop drinking if you drink too much, thats when you need to detox (dry out) maybe in hospital. Then once we stop there is the psychological thing that drove us on, and thats when it can get tricky because your brain, or rather mine still wants a drink, we get cravings and thoughts about drinking it has been our go to method of dealing for so long that it is hard to stop that behaviour for any length of time and keep going but its not impossible its totally doable as sun is doing. There is also the chemical and wiring changes in the brain that have occured with heaviy drinking for a long time that take time to repair. Thats my take o0n it anyway.

Go to go and cook tea again

space x

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I'm sorry I haven't been updating on here too much...just been having a tough time with this drinking thing. :/
I am still taking Topamax...I am on 75mg. I am upping the dosage to 100mg on Wednesday...the only SE's I am experiencing is some tiredness (but it could be the drinking too) and tingling in the feet (which is only slightly annoying...
I have been drinking every single night...and there has been no decrease in cravings or anything...tonight is the first night where I told myself that I will NOT be drinking except maybe on nightcap at night...this is a big step for me because I have been drinking 1L of wine a night...I am doing this for myself but I am also doing this for my boyfriend who has been there for me through thick and thin and honestly deserves a better girlfriend. I am trying to distract myself...and I really want a glass of wine but at the same time I don't. I wish it didn't have this type of power over me. I want to enjoy my nights without it and enjoy the time with my puppy and him but I also want to just go to sleep so that I that I can have my nightcap and just go to bed and not have to think about the gawddamn wine.
This is so frustrating. I also want to stop the drinking so that I can lose this damn weight that I gained...I am so fat now since I started drinking and it is depressing.
I have completely lost myself the past four years since this drinking began I want to be the person I used to be. I don't want to be this crazy drunk.
I don't know...at least I am not drunk. I am usually half in the bag by now...
I'm trying at least.

Anyways...I'm half tired right now, I may not be making any sense. I wish I had some juice or something.
Maybe I will get some tomorrow so I am better prepared.
I hope everyone else is well...I need to go do something, dishes or cleaning or something...I will check back in later and read back on some posts.

Bri

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi y'all -
Sorry it's taken me forever to post that "big post"...guess I'm better at these little ones!

Space - so much to say to you! I understand bipolar - several women in my family suffer from it. I applaud your strength getting through what you do everyday. I am also totally understanding your starting to have a glass or two of something here & there. You know you can do it now! I have nothing to add about the dating scene b/c I am totally not doing it! Since that guy sort-of blew me off last month...F*** it!

Sun - you go girl!! I know you're going thru some shit and to give up your Guinness takes some willpower - good for you!

Meggie - Hang in there! I need to lose some weight too - it just seems to creep on. 10 lbs seems like a ton sometimes!! I know I can do it - gotta stop with the empty, liquid calories though!

Diz - so glad you are happy! Love reading the posts about the wedding and the settling in. I haven't taken AB in over a month, but will. I need those 3 days too!


So many others posting since I've been absent: Cleansed, Bugpieper,Stuck, Bri, JBB, Bacon, etc - glad you all are on here! Keep posting your thoughts & progress.

Oh Space, I need to watch Breaking Bad, I know!! Several friends are totally addicted. I am totally into Mad Men myself!! Got to finish all these past seasons before a new one starts up. Good there is actually some excellent TV out there to be had!

I was helping my daughter move into her new apt. in Austin for the upcoming school year the last couple of days. Stayed with an old girlfriend I hadn't seen in years b/c her crazy, abusive son was living there. OMG - he's out but I'd forgotten what an absolute slob she is. I was totally grossed out - she has beautiful things, collections & furnishings, but 2 cats & a dog she does not clean up after...UGH. She used to drink 24/7 but has cut down radically, which is good - still, I was so horrified by how depressed & horrible her living state has become. She has disability income & works 20 hrs/wk at Macy's...so she thankfully is not house-bound, but OMG - I came home and took a long, hot shower & washed all the clothes I'd taken. I couldn't get over how depressing she has become...and how grossed out I was to not even take a shower in her dirty tub w/ the overflowing cat box near-by!!

...and she talked about us living together in our "golden years" if things haven't changed!! I was too polite to scream and argue with that idea. No way!!!!!!!! Anyway -

Good to catch up w/ all you fine ppl! Hang in there!

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh, damn, houtx! Thanks!

Here I am, just listening to Christopher Walken reading Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"--you know, a typical night for me--and you reminded me I've got to go clean the litter box!

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Everyone, Meggie, Bri, Bug, Space, Sun, Dizz and Stuck,
So I've been absent again somewhat, I just seem to have a lot going on with my family. My Spain family is doing well, my other daughter is still struggling with the relationship and my son is also having a bad time of it relationship wise. Nursing school starts again for him in a week so it might be tough again for him to focus with all the depression he has going on but im trying to remain strong and calm to be able to give them a lift rather than crying along with them.

Houtx so nice to hear from you and interesting about your recent visit with your friend, sad for her. Meggie, Bug and Bri, hang in there, it can be a long journey, just look at how long some of us have been here:H Sun you are one of those and are finally making a huge step up in your journey, many hugs and love.

Space, I have read all your recent posts and really wish we lived closer as I would love to just come for a short visit, perhaps we can Skype sometime, I will look for your green light. I'm really proud of you for your upcoming class, you will see that it will be a lot of fun:h

Dizz, I'm so thrilled that you have finally been able to move on and are now on a big adventure which is what makes life fun. I've been wondering if you have still been working on your anti diabetic diet and how it is going. I've recently read myself that a lot of depression is caused by sugar and sweets and that aside from sugar and sweets, alcohol goes right to sugar in the body. Anyway give us an update on it when you get time.

Stuck, life goes on and on and on, right:H hugs to you.

I'm doing pretty well, still doing the AB 5/7 plan as often as I can and right now I'm going to try to extend it beyond the first 5 which I did awhile ago for about two weeks and just felt great but then slipped back into things but in general things are not out of control. I'm also working with my Spain therapist on letting go of anxiety, guilt, sadness and a lot of other emotions that I have had trapped inside and it really helps me react to life in a different way and to think differently. I'm pretty sure the drinking for me is a symptom of things rather than a cause and will start to subside on its own as I raise my energy and consciousness, at least that is my plan.

So I'll go for now, love you all and I will see you soon.

Play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning everyone !! Lovely to see folk posting !

Meggie - so sorry about your fall - hope you are getting better. Also maybe try taking the Topa maybe an hour earlier and see if that makes any difference. I used to play with my dosage a lot. Umm - today makes day 7, for me AF. And I won't be drinking. Gosg there is lots you can do with lemon balm - I used to have it in my garden but it was so invasive I finally pulled it out and it took years to get it all gone ! You can use it in cooking, you can make tea, you can use it as an insect repellent, you can use it in pot pourri - I would Google it if I were you as there is so much you can do with it.

Hi there Dizzy bee !! Glad you are settling down a bit - good for you taking some days off drinking too. Thanks for the job well done !! I am feeling so good about it all. regarding the baby bit - I think it is something you would find that you would be fine with but if either of you are not 100% sure then I would probably have a long think! It is definitely a life long commitment. And yes, the baby and toddler stage are very demanding but then so are the following stages too - LOL.

Hi Space - laughed at your addiction ! I think it is an okay one to have though compared to others !! I have never seen it. So sorry that you are feeling low - can your meds help? When do you see yout therapist next?

I am feeling really good - not dragging this time at all and not missing the Guinness either. it is all still quite amazing for me.

Bri - sorry that you too are feeling so low - but the drink will do that - I know 'cos that is how I would feel - cross with myself 'cos I kept on going which made me feel even worse. And cutting down is a huge step too so good for you. Anything you can do to ease up on it is good..... sometimes the Topa doesn't work at a lower dose - as you know, for me it didn't. I thought it was NEVER going to kick in, so have faith and just keep on keeping on. And yes, get some juice - I am having more juice now than i was and will have that when i get in sometimes - also i take some to work with me.

Hi there Houtx - nice to see your post. Actually it hasn't taken any willpower at all - I have an amazing therapist and we worked on why I drank and got rid of those emotions and feelings and once they were gone, it was easy ...... my doctor had originally said that once I found out why I drank and addressed, that I could do it. It is a wonderful feeling ! I felt for you at your friends and the mess - how awful for you.

Hi there Stuck - good for you still not drinking - wish you felt better though - you still sound so low ! :l

And Play - nice to see you here again . I know you have been really busy though and have a lot going on. I am glad that you are working on the 5/7 thing and hopefully extending it and yes I agree that if you can get rid of those emotions, things do change !!

Anyway it is getting late and I have to get ready for work, so must get going - love and hugs to all,

sun X

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I just wrote another one of my too long posts but this one was for everyone who has posted and not about me for once then I somehow managed to deleat it, sorry got no time to do another one got to go and see to my old aunt the one I told you allo about before and the trouble with my cousing and the money, well now my cousin has stopped going so my aunt is calling my mum and making a niusance of herself, mymum is 84 herself but my aunt expectesd my mum to run around after her. This woman has NEVER done anything for anyone in her whole life but has somehow manged to get carried around by other people, mostley my mum and Ive put a stop to it which means I am now doing her shopping and stuff. Hopefully she is going to go in as home soon as she has now accepted the fact that she cant look after herself, she ended up in hospital two weeks ago because she hadnt been taking her tablets or eating so now has to have a carer going in 4 times a day just to watch her take her tablets. She actually is the pits and her and my cousin where in some ways as bad as each other with my co0usin tasking her money and her abusing my cousin at the same time.

I will call back later lo0ts to talk about and I am SOOOO made up that so many of you have posted, I hope you are all bake on board now and will stay with us.

Love Space xx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Space - it is SO annoying when we lose a post! Never mind.....

Sorry you have to deal with your aunt though. But it is really nice that you are helping her even though she sounds a pain! Yes, it was nice to see everyone posting wasn't it?

I had another AF day yesterday and didn't even think about a drink - I think this time I am actually on to something !! I am feeling good with it this time unlike other times when I have quit.

off to work,

hugs to all,

sun XX