New here and starting Topa and with a question

[hoping4better]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone, it's been awhile (major family drama with my 17 yr old stepdaughter) and I haven't had a chance to catch up on what everyone is up to these days. I've skimmed the last few pages but the topa is making me soooo tired and dopa these days that I can't really process information that well lately! Houtx, I see that you are considering cutting off meds at the first of the year. I can relate. I do think topa is working for me but it's no magic pill (and I'm always hoping for a magic pill!!!) I've seen to hit a plateau in my drinking reduction -- about 35% less than what I was drinking pre-topa, but I just can't seem to go AF. But then, I'm not really trying. I'm also not staying up at night drinking, which I used to. So those are good things.

BUT...I can't get my a** in gear! I stopped going to the gym and I just can't get motivated to do anything.

Glad to see you all on the board, even if I didn't get a chance to read everyone's post.

[SassyLassy]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Had 3 days AF last week, but have since been limping thru...wondering what I want, moderation, sobreity, what??? how to know? What a big question mark?

[Illuminae]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I've been thinking about that Sassy. I've never really wanted total sobriety and don't think it would be possible with my total life situation. Just to be able to drink like a "normal" person has been my goal. I've been feeling pretty good about that lately.

Last night we went out to dinner and I truly didn't feel like drinking. that's happened before, but then out of habit, we almost always order a bottle of wine. Difference last night was that we went to this restaurant where we don't order a bottle of wine normally. They have these amazing Mai Tais that my husband loves. So when he ordered his I just said I'd have water and hot tea. I did drink wine later at home but it reduced my overall amount and felt good to listen to my mind/body and not drink when I truly didn't feel like it.

Girl, glad you're not beating yourself up, but you've got to always take the Nal!

Hoping, don't worry about it, just glad you're checking in. I'm trying to get motivated to start exercising and was bummed because I called my gym yesterday (that I haven't been to in ages) and left a message asking some questions and for them to call me back and they didn't call back yet.

[TrappedDad]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

well, I fell off the wagon yesterday. I stopped off to the store after work and bought a 500ml bottle of chard which amounts to 3 glasses of wine. I downed it in my driveway before I went in the house. The trigger for me was the chaos I was about to walk into, you know, wife, kids, normal family life! Why can't I just deal with it like normal people do?

Anyway, I am back on the wagon today. I see my therapist today, so we will see how that goes, I am still not a fan, but everyone else involved in my life seems to be

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Just a very quick check in because I have not stopped thinking about ANY of you. I'm good and still holding at 50/50 because I am in the heat of battle right now and don't dare step up any Topa Dopa right now. Almost made a really bad mistake with switching email addresses the other day to a client. So I will continue this week at this dosage and figure it out from there.

Have a very high profile funeral to do this Friday and it is a family that I have been very close to for the last 17 years. It's beyond tragic and I've gone to sleep few nights without crying for him, his parents that I've seen almost daily, and crying for myself and what it brings up and old losses myself of a sister and lover that died way too young too. Although not in a suicide and the guilt and grief that hangs over his parents - it is the most incredible and painful thing I have ever been witness to.

Turn to the bottle? Yes. But amazingly enough, and I always promise to be honest with myself, I am not drinking more. I am not gaining the traction I had hoped, but I am not losing it either. Where as a glass of wine used to last about an hour in my hand .. it now seems to last two, perhaps longer. At the end of the day, my numbers seem to be the about the same.

Hugs to all of you. Saturday morning can not come fast enough for me.

WTE

[airam]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

WTE ((((HUGS)))

I'll write later

[Illuminae]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well, trapped, it's okay. you've been putting yourself under a tremendous amount of pressure. And all you did was one 500ml. It could have been much worse! And you're extremely early on in the program. Just stick with it.

WTE, hope you make it through this difficult time okay.

So I've found that I'm not having too much trouble with the dopa as far as speaking or thinking, but TYPING sheesh!... I seem to have forgotten how and am making many more mistakes at work.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello to all my friends here & GAWD!! so much to respond to...

TrappedDad - I read your story and just wanted to morph thru the screen and offer you my support and well wishes...and tell you I support you every rocky step of the way. I agree with someone that maybe a combo of TOPA and Naltexpne might be a thouht. NAL works on those receptors when you are drinking. HAve you ordered David Escapa's book? That method worked miracles for some of our colleagues...it's worth a shot (in the dark). Hang in there, muh darlin. I/we care and are here for you!

Claremont - What a bummer!! Hope that fiasco is not a financial nightmare!! Would drive me to drink to, but hope you are keeping your wits about you.

Hoping4Better - So glad to hear from you!!!!!!! Hope alls well on the home front. I think we are sort-of in the same boat - see my comments on my personal status below and see...

WTE - glad you are busy and resolved to see it through. I am trying to stay the course, but...

Illumin - loved your airport stories! I don't travel that much but when I do I try to coordinate those bars/gates/etctetc. I'm impressed with your progress.

I'm impressed with everyone's progress!!
Sunny - you are on your way!
Sassy, 3 days AF...so many more !!
Airam, Dream, etctetctetc and the ones who havne't posted in so long...

I was so busy in the last week but was able to drop in and catch up - love to read everyone's posts. Feels good to be here, although distracted with a stray cat my son brought me! LOL My busy weekend started last Thursday when I went off to get a haircut and BOOM!! Got rear-side-swiped and lost my whole bumper. He thought I ran the light, I think he did...we shall see. I have good insurance so an hour & a half later I was on my way in a rental with my car in the shop and everything all good. Sux tho!!

Rest of the weekend was great. I don;t know if I mentioned but a week ago Monday (Nov 1st) I "accidentally" went down to 100 mgs. of TOPA. Just forgot to take my second pill until it was really too late. Since Mondays have been my days to change doses anyway...kept it there. Nothing happened except I seemed to be sharper mentally. Hello! Then along came the pre-weekend/weekend/around Thursday and I either forgot to take my pill at all or thought since I'd forgotten maybe I should just take half/50mgs...My dose just really dropped off in there. So Sat & Sun I deliberately took 50 mgs because I was seeing no difference in loss of desire at higher doses...and my brain was firing at fewer and fewer strategic neurons.

Yesterday/Monday - decided to drop to 50 mgs. Yesterday I went AF with concious effort, I always wake up feeling like a million bucks and think "I can DO this everyday!!!" Then something triggers my habit as I come home. On #5 and if it weren't for trying to bond with the damn cat, would've gone to bed an hour ago! LOL

At the wedding this weekend my father (remember I was dreading seeing him b/c of my drunken incident last summer?)..kindof cornered my 2 kids (19 & 17) and among other things (insinuating my daughter is the dumb blonde of the family)...said to them "You know your mother has a serious addiction to alcohol. Your mother is a serious alcoholic. Your mother is taking medicaiton to make her sick if she drinks alcohol (HA! Not only do I wonder where he got that - but I was sure making a mockery of that at the wedding!! I was drinking like a "normal person") He told them I was attending weekely support meetings, etctetctetctetc...........

Such bullshit. I am/was beyond mad. He took what little I told him in confidence and blew it waaaaaaay out of porportion, put his spin on it, and then had the unmittigated gall to tell my children!! Naturally they didn't believe him, have seen me more than he does, know me better than he does, and dismissed it...but not before being indignant and asking me if it was true. Gee - thanks dad!!!!!! I won't bore you with the details, but my kids know I drink "my wine", I have not been the perfect mother and have admitted my weaknesses. To have my own father breach my confidence like that ( kids don't know I use medication to try and control it for heaven's sakes or am in a support group - what he confuses w/ "weekly meetings" no doubt)...pisses me off.


And lastly: have not heard from BHG in quite awhile!! He called & left a mssg when I could not pick-up...

[airam]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

..

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Great to see you Houtx - Airam - are you okay? We all seem to have lost our momentum for this thread somehow. WTE - hope that you are okay - it all sounds so sad and extremely hard to deal with. I need to post - am really having some struggles - with losing my happy AGAIN when I go AF and NF. Hubs has just got up - will be back later.

Hugs to all, Sun xx

[airam]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I'm ok Sunny, thank you so much. I'm writing my post in word and will paste it in a moment.






The post above wasn't intentional, last night I was reading the thread in my phone and somehow I copied one of my posts from the past and made a new one. Sorry.

[airam]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Trapped Dad, this will be like a roller coaster. This is just the beginning. But I think you are doing great.
I went to visit your thread, I’m very glad you are having so much support!

WTE, I’m so sorry, how sad. I hope you are feeling better today.

Iluminae, I loved reading your posts about airports, traveling, etc. I can relate a lot. Actually, it was on a trip to So. Ca. where I first noticed the good effects of Topamax.

Sassy, congratulations! That is real progress!

Sunny, do you think it could be mild depression that comes to the surface when you stop drinking? I'm sure this will pass. I'm hoping the best for you.

Girl, how are you?

Clare, I’m impressed by the numbers in your signature. I’m tempted to order Nal from River Pharmacy. Hoping, glad you checked in! I'm reading that you and Houtx areconsidering stopping meds. I'm at the opposite point!





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Major rambling ahead. It’s not really important.

Visiting TrappedDad thread took me to other subforums (which I'd never checked out before), that got me to read some threads and that in the end, left me feeling very uncomfortable. I hope it's ok to write about it here.

I found this site last July while desperately looking for help with my drinking problem.

Also, I was practically running away from another site. That other site was very AA oriented, very abstinece oriented. People there were very nice, but, at least for me, that kind of site was very counterproductive and harmful.

Some threads here, in the General Discussion Forum brought me back lots of unsettling memories.

Threads like the “WAKE UP PEOPLE” were the norm on that other site and, as they may be very helpful for some, those “calls” left me drinking more and feeling like crap.

Or that other thread here, where a poster had to apologize because she wrote she was “sober for 6 months with a few sit backs” and that offended real sobers. Wow! How can someone be offended by that?

Guess what works for one person doesn't work for another. We're all different. I read in those threads that many people find that kind of “calls” helpful, but for me they were exactly the opposite.

Don’t get me wrong. I know these people are only trying to help and they mean well, it’s just that I?m very glad I never saw threads like those when I first came here.

Maybe I'll think differently about this topic when I've progressed further.

Yes, I’m still drinking, and yes, I had a terrible episode last week, but like Clare said once, I was at the lowest point of my life at one time and, thank God, that is far far from where I am now.

I myself want to be completely AF eventually, but I don't function well under stress of any kind.

I had my first true AF day here, on September 23rd after many, many years of trying. (I say true because I had one or two AF days before, but those were painful, full of withdrawal symptoms, all night insomnia, sweating, shaking. I was suffering a lot. )

On the contrary, my first AF day here was very peaceful, very calm (to my surprise I must say). As a matter of fact, every AF day I have had since then has been very calm.

I think my progress is mainly because of two things:

2.- Topamax

1st and MOST important.- Your support and encouragement, and for that I want to say THANK YOU once again. Here, I’ve felt for the first time in years, understood and not alone. And I’ve been encouraged but never pressured, not even kindly pressured. I remember Sunny telling me after my first AF day not to worry if I drank again. At least for me that was very helpful. I am grateful nobody said “go for your 2nd day, you can do it”. I’m sure I have had many more AF days because nobody said that.

Yes, everyone is different.

I’m never going to count days as in "today is day 1 of the rest of my AF life." I may say I had x AF days, but if I drink, then I drink.

In my head if I count days or "milestones" and then drink, I will feel like a real failure. I do want to be AF, but it's too hard already, I don't need any more stress over me.


Ok, end of rambling. Sorry. I think I’ll stick to this thread for a while and to my friends here…

[SassyLassy]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Airam, I feel your gentleness, your sensitivity, and you are very aware of your limits as to pressure. Don't beat yourself up for knowing yourself. You are who you are, and you are perfect as yourself.

This isn't mine, but I got it the other day, and thought of it as I read your post:

Don't worry, you'll be okay
Slowing down is good
Wisdom simmers and steeps and grows with time
Stop pushing yourself

You are enough just as you are
There is no need to perform
Just relax
Let life unfold

You have what it takes to handle anything
Anything
Good things come from patience, not pushing
Let space and time reveal something miraculous

Trust life
Accept where you are
Right now
Stop the judgment and internal lectures

Just be here
Don't run or think or eat or scheme (or in my case - drink
Return to yourself in this moment
Where life is perfect and peaceful and safe

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sassy and airam - both your posts left me with a nice warm feeling. Airam the reason I said not to worry about drinking again after when you were AF was because I understand how Topa works - or worked with me anyway - and know in the end it will work - no point in pushing it before it is ready. I didn't want you worrying that you had to then be AF 'cos you had had ONE day - I am so pleased that this thread has helped so much - as I said it gave me a nice warm feeling. And your rambling as you called it, to me was important - it showed us how important this thread is, which made me feel good - that others need ALL of us!! There are places on this forum for all sorts of things and I think this one definitely belongs here!! (duh!!) hope you know what I mean!!!!

I slept most of Tuesday and when i wasn't sleeping I was crying. I am feeling better today than I was - I think it is too soon for depression due to not drinking and think it is the amount of topa that I am/was taking. I had got up to 300mg and think that is the level that I lose my Happy at!!!! SO, I have gone back down to 250, figuring now I have actually stopped drinking (and smoking) I won't start again. I might even go down to 200 mg. I think I could have gone on drinking actually but decided that I would set me a date. the Topa was working - but I was still drinking. If I am REALLY honest with myself, I wasn't REALLY craving the drink, just fancying it, so had decided on the date - and when it came, yes had a little panic, but it has been fine. Hubs doesn't drink what I do, so I haven't been tempted to have any of his, nor have I been tempted to buy any. So, hopefully I am there again. AF once more. I am going to do this this time.

It is time for me to go to bed - sorry I haven't replied to any of your posts but I have the early shift tomorrow and am still sleeping a lot (been 12 hours a night since I stopped with naps in the day if I can get them), so want to go to bed.

Take care, will be back tomorrow probably - loved your posts Airam and sassy.

Hugs to you all,

love, Sun xx

[Illuminae]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Airam, I totally get what you mean about those other threads. I, like you, hadn't read many of them but very much understand what you mean when I was reading trapped dad's thread. There are many people here that are trying for straight abstinence and have a much more AA like approach, which is fine for them, but that is not me. That is why I liked the TSM site so much. Most people over there were just looking for control, "normalcy" and some found themselves alcohol free without even trying. Others found exactly what they were looking for, (and some didn't). The support however is almost 100% exactly like what we have here on this particular thread, which is very nice. I have been used to all of this for so long and also used to the subtle changes I did gain from being on NAL for so long that I was taken aback at the intensity of Trapped's efforts to try for going AF so soon in his journey after fully admitting that he has a problem and all those folks chiming in, etc. until I remembered how desperate I was when I was at that place 2 years ago.

Anyway I agree, that stuff makes me feel like crap, you guys don't. the moderation approaches of TSM and MWO and you guys make me feel good!

Sun, glad you're sticking with it and feeling a bit better. I am soo relating to the not feeling much like drinking but doing it anyway. I was AF until 10pm today with absolutely no worries and then poured a glass.
Houtx, nice to get an update, but oh your father! Grr!!!! no words that are good!!!!
Sassy, nice, fitting poem!

Good night friends :l