New here and starting Topa and with a question

[Midnight]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Also forgot to say that after reading 126 pages of posts, I feel like I have so much to say...but so little time with the kids. I feel like I know so much about your lives! I hope to respond more when I am able, and to keep this thread alive. It is really amazing, and I feel less alone in less. Gotta run - being summoned to play trains. Damn Thomas and his friends! (one billion trains for those that haven't been sucked into it)

[doyourdream]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun,

I can definitely see how drinking is a trigger for smoking. While it's been many years since I smoked, I do remember that certain things, like alcohol, would make me want to smoke more.

Welcome, Midnight!

It's been a few years since Thomas has graced my livingroom. I am very familiar with him. There were times that train tracks ran through my livingroom and around my kitchen! My son is 13 now so Thomas isn't a regular guest any longer (although he is still in the garage ;-) )

DYD

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all - I have not been on here in probably a year. Not on Topa or anything else...just lost interest. But now feeling lonely/weird/in need...thought I'd check in and see if perhaps I should revisit the TOPA idea...

Illuminae, your post about leaving your marriage really struck me. I will read further...wanted to let you know how I support this difficult decision. In love so soon?! WOW - I'm happy for you & hope it works out. You are a smart, great mom - situation sad but also wonderful. Good luck to you, my friend!! I know you are doing the right thing!!


XO

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey gf!! I haven't checked in here forever...loving the posts from you & Illuminae...so you're back on the meds and it's "working"?? Thought I might try and look again @ TOPA...hoper alls well w/ you, gf! XO

[Illuminae]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Houtx, lovely to see you and thanks for your FB post that prompted me to come over here and check in.

I am pretty darn happy. I know it seems sudden to you all but I have known Z for almost 4 1/2 years as a long distance friend. He became my shoulder to cry on, my confidant, mentor. And I for him. We were both in bad marriages and over time talking about that and all the other stuff with him drew us closer and closer together. that and serendipitous coincidences we would both end up in the same place on business travel, lunch or a cup of tea when he was in town, etc.

Several things happened in kind of quick succession to bring it all to a head, realize that we had fallen in love with each other. That only went on secretly for a couple of months and then all the shit hit the fan with my husband finding out while we were still trying to figure out what to do about it and, so then he went straight to his wife and told her what was going on too.

Anyhow, I appreciate your support and I think I'm doing the right thing too!

I also haven't been on anything for a while, but I have been thinking of going back onto Naltrexone. I actually ordered some more a while ago. The day I got it I took one just as I had been before I quit. I forgot that I had been off of it for so long that I shouldn't start with a whole pill. I felt AWFUL!! Nauseous, completely drained of energy. I barely fixed my kids dinner and had to lie down for a while. It freaked me out, so I haven't taken any more since, but thinking about starting to and ease in to it properly.

I was doing pretty good, but when I"m alone, especially the nights I don't have the kids, I have started tending to drink more again and I'm a little worried. I really don't want it to become a problem again and I don't want to screw up my new relationship because of it. He and I talk very frankly about it, always have, so he knows my past, what I've tried, the time I've spent on here with you guys...very supportive. My two worst fears would be 1) I start to mess up with drinking too much again and he will not want to be with me or worse 2) I get into the same kind of situation I was before, where instead of us helping each other behave and not drink too much that we both do it just like I did with my husband.

I don't think either will happen, but doesn't stop me from worrying a bit. He is so athletic and wants us to be active together. That would be so welcome and I think help with the behavioral aspects a lot, which I think is my real problem. He wants to help me continue to be the best mom I can, support my career, everything I've ever dreamed of.

We're still in a long distance relationship until after the new year, but have a solid plan to see each other at least once a month until then, including meeting his parents/siblings/kids for Thanksgiving and my parents and siblings for Christmas.

This weekend was an amazing time in Lake Tahoe. We had so much fun, talked really seriously about things including our worries and fears (alcohol was a topic), but we also hung out with a bunch of my classmates from college and it was a really cool test of our relationship so that I was able to see how he interacted with them, and how I felt about being really out and open with him and our relationship. It felt great! He met a few of my friends in Hawaii and when he was out here, but in very small doses. This was a biggie and it went well.

Anyway, sorry to those of you that might not want this much personal detail of my life. But alcohol is still a player, long for the day that it isn't a concern. I think I have a real chance for that in this next phase of my life.

Heck, I've already been being a much better mom. After dinner tonight I worked on a puzzle with my kids from then until their bedtime and nursed one glass of wine, was too engrossed in our activity then to get up and pour more until after they went to bed. Next step for me I think is to set firm bedtimes for myself when I just stop, no matter how much wine is left in the bottle or whatever and go to bed, because I tend to stay up too late and then I drink more.

Anyway, enough selfishness hogging up the airwaves...

Sun, sorry you were down for a bit. I get what you were saying about "playing" with the Topa and going round in circles. You are still so supportive and you snapped out of your funk I think. You still are a great presence here and I'm sorry some of us stay away for so long. I promise to try harder! I need you guys especially when I am alone. Kind of what I think you were getting at Bitsy.

BK: Nice to see you here again and hope we get a good update like you have said you would give us!

Brun and DYD, good to see you here as always.

Midnight, WOW I can't believe you read the entire Thread!!!! Welcome and can't wait to hear more from you.

That is certainly enough from me for now. Take care everyone,

Illuminae :l:h:l

[Midnight]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all,

Topa kickin in at 200 mg!!! Sun- I was thinking about you on Sunday because I really felt flat too! I wanted to drink a lot more but actually was not getting the effect I wanted and was therefore depressed. Wow! I had 3 3/4 beers Sunday, 3 1/2 beers Monday and so far 3 1/2 beers tonight which I think is actually it for the evening. This in contrast to 5 or 6 each night, so an improvement I think. The first night I was "itchy" and couldn't sleep, and felt generally crappy, but woke up pretty cheerful, and these next two nights have been much better. Each night I have come home from work wanting to drink a lot, but not actually having a real craving, and I open the beer and just nurse it. By the way, I am on my iPad, and haven't totally figured out what I am doing here, so sorry if my posts end up unedited!

Illuminae - I have been following the threads so had seen what you had been posting for a while - good luck with Z and your new start!

Houtx - I have enjoyed your stories!

Dyd - how are you doing so far, you are on nal, right? I liked your comment on leaving the doses by the Guinness, very logical.

Well off to bed, sorry would love to write more! I usually only walk around the house with my iPhone and beer, but iPhone is too small to type on, beer is hopefully being reduced! I sneak my iPad so the kids don't want to play with it, thus time on it is limited! Goodnight all! Good luck to all!

[doyourdream]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Illuminae,

I'm envious of your relationship. It sounds wonderful. I hope to meet a great man some day (hopefully soon!).

Midnight, I'm doing pretty well. I think I am seeing some subtle changes in my drinking now that I am in week 17.

I've been tracking my drinking since I started TSM and here are my results:

Pre-TSM 35
1 32.5
2 23.6
3 31
4 30.5
5 28.5
6 17.5
7 20.9
8 26
9 23
10 23.2
11 24.6
12 27.6
13 28.5
14 29
15 23.5
16 20


The past two weeks have been pretty good, as you can see. I'm happy about that and hope the trend continues.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Welcome Midnight! Gosh - to read the WHOLE thread - that is awesome. I don't think I have ever read the whole thread - LOL. Seriously, that is so good that the Topa is kicking in for you. Last night I made myself listen to it instead of just ignoring it - and it does work, if we let it!

DYD - thank you for your responses too - I will quit the smokes when i quit the Al!!

Houtx - so wonderful to see you here again!!!

Illum - great long post - about time you were here again!

It is 6.00 am and I am getting ready for work - I will come back later and do a proper post - just wanted to welcome Midnight and say hi to the others! I am feeling a lot better -

Hugs and love to all,

Sun XX

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello my friends!!

So glad to come back and hear what you ppl are going thru. I am still drinking too much...feeling very guilty but am doing ok. I am not taking any anti-drinking drugs any more...but considering it. I am not happy with my consumption...I am living as a "functional alcoholic" I think and it really bothers me. I 'fess up to ppl close to me, like my sister & very close friends...but the truth is, I drink too fucking much and it worries me.

It has never gotten in the way of a relationship b/c those have fizzled fairly quickly for whatever reasons...truly beyond me. I have NEVER gotten drunk w/ a prospective bf...so it's just me and my demons.

I got sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much strength being here last year...thinking I will hang in for awhile...consider what drug to take next. NAL or TOPA?! But I HATED the "Topa Dopa"....hmmmmmm
we shall see -

XO

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Hou,

I've had some luck using gabapentin (300-900mg/day) and low dose baclofen (20-40mg/day). Both help with my anxiety and get me through the night without alcohol MOST of the time. Sometimes I falter but mostly I'm better than I was. MWO helps me ALOT too. Keep posting!

Hi everyone, hope things are getting brighter for you all Sun, DYD, midnight, BK and everyone! I don't have to ask how you're doing Illum!

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Bruun -
What is "gabapetin"?? I'm very int'd in this combo. I took BAC last summer and HATED it...gained weight...no noticible changes in cravings...TOPA I was sooooooo hopeful... doseage went up to I don't remember what...resulted in the tingles & the "dopa" SE I couldn't handle..

Again, now doing nothing...but thinking I'd like to try something again & probably TOPA. I HATED BAC b/c of the weight gain...will NOT go there again

Hope all else is well w/ everyone :-))

[winetowater]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I am brand new here an someone suggested this thread. I took my first 25 mg dose of Topa today and have not had a drink. First time in probably 3 years. I am highly functioning but seriously miserable and want to kick this awful habit so badly. So I've officially made it through Day 1. I keep wondering about "the deeper issues" that have led to my problem, however, and if those go unaddressed, will I really ever be free of this? Have you all also received therapy, gone on antidepressants or otherwise dealt with those "deeper issues" or were meds and peer support enough? By the way, this board will be my peer support as I am going through this process 100% on my own.

[Bruunhilde]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Hou,

Gabapentin is also known as Neurontin, used by patients for many things. See this thread for more info: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...use-51066.html

Gabapentin is something my cousin uses for her fibromialgia pain but I found it great for mood elevation.

Hello Wine,

Anyone here who has started going without alcohol (AL for short) finds there are underlying issues which got them here in the first place. As you read through the threads in the meds forum you'll see people struggling with all the issues you note, as they become sober and feel empty, or anxious, or whatever it was. Many are on anti-depressants. Others are not. Many of us are alone in our journey except for MWO which provides loads of support. Post on a few threads and you'll find there's alot of mutual support here. Post on!

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Welcome wine! so good to see you here. There aren't many of us on Topa - I am and go through ups and downs with it, but if you let it, it does work. Please follow the titration schedule though - it doesn't help going up any faster than the book recommends. Any questions you have - please ask - someone here will know the answer, I am sure!! Gosh - to answer your questions - I am on celexa and have been for amny years. I did have therapy, which led to the Celexa but really wasn't drinking daily then, although I suspected I had a problem, so when I mentioned it to my therapist, she said a drink at the end of the day was fine - she had one too every day !!!! LOL So we didn't talk any more about drinking. She has left my area as I would love to see her again and find out the deeper issues. On high doseages of Topa, I found I did get depressed, so pulled back a bit - my GP wanted me to talk to someone to get to those deeper issues but it seemes impossible to find the right person. So I continue to muddle on and keep trying. Do tell us some of your story if you feel you want to or would like to.....

HOUTX - so lovely to see you again back here - are you going to stay a while?? I Googled Gabapentin and decided that I didn't want to rock the boat with my Celexa which has always worked for me - until I get the high dose of Topa!! Maybe you could try the Topa again and go up r-e-a-l-l-y slowly???

Bruun - I am doing really well thanks - I was told by someone that I was posting a lot of negative stuff about self and situations and that was the kick in the butt I needed! I was always SO positive and that person was SO right. I have had stuff going on, as we all do - but I would have, before, changed the way I look at it - so I am back to the old me - I just needed someone to point out the way I was being. SO - back to Pollyanna folks!!!!! I missed the Old Me!! It feels so good to do an about face!!

Midnight - how are you doing?? How is the AL? I am still watching and listening to the Topa - totally ignored it the other night and ended up having five Guinness! I need to really listen and THINK before reaching for that next one. I am still just on the 200 mg level and have changed when I take them - it does seem to make a difference.

Dear DYD - I smiled at you saying you were envious of Illum's relationship - the grass isn't always greener !!! And if it is meant, you WILL meet the right man one day - he is out there somewhere if it is meant to be! I am sure of it. :l Your drinking has been steadily going down - that is awesome. you must be feeling pretty good about it. I am so pleased for you.

Illum - gosh, with all of you here, this is like old times - so nice!! Illum - I am just so pleased for you - you are obviously happy - but watch out for the AL - as you said, you don't want to get back into the same routine that you were in before. If you are starting to worry now, then you need to do something NOW before you get too far. Any plans on what you are going to do to stop it?? You know that a plan always helps.... as you said - set a bedtime. And puzzles with the children - and when you are alone, GO TO BED. I did that the other night when I knew if I stayed up any longer I would have another (or more) drink. And was so pleased with myself.

It is wonderful to see everyone here - and I feel great - we now need to see Airam - where are you Airam? The old gang is back!!! you need to come and say hi to the oldies and meet the newbies!!!!

Love and hugs to you all,

Sun XXX

[winetowater]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thank you for the encouragement. Starting day 2 and hoping, praying I can do this. I am 43 years old and a single mom to an adorable 5 year old. He is the center of my life and I love him more than anything, but I fear sometimes his misbehavior is a trigger for my drinking - a way for me to cope and not get so impatient and agitated. I have actually told myself I am a better mother when I've had a few drinks (crazy how we will rationalize) as it makes me more easy going with him and better able to cope. This turns into even more guilt and misery as I know I am only justifying this terrible habit.

Again, I am highly functioning, educated, a professional, volunteer in my affluent community. Support myself and my son entirely on my own and am really thought of highly in my church and community. No one would suspect this problem of mine because I keep it such a secret and am careful - to the point of being stealthy about it. It's embarrassing really. To hide and recycle my wine bottles so the cleaning lady and garbage man won't see how many there are... my whole life feels like a lie. I think I will ask my dr. for prozac in addition to the Topa. Has anyone tried this with any success? I am so grateful to have found this board and the kind, compassionate lovely people whose posts I have been reading these past few days.