New here and starting Topa and with a question

[applekat26]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all. Just wanted to check in and thank everyone for their suggestions and comments. I definitely agree that alcohol just adds to depression. I only had two small drinks Thursday night ((instead of my usual 5-8) and woke up feeling much better on Friday and more able to handle life. I wish there were meetings for "MY WAY OUT" folks like there are AA meetings. I think face to face meetings would really help me and I really do not want to go back to AA. I have been there, done that and really did not like it! Thanks for being here though. I love reading everyone's posts and relate so much!

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I used to wish there where meetings but then again I think we work so well because of the set up we have online. We are all such a higgledy piggledy diverse bunch on here I dont know what a meeting of us all would be like. In fact I dread to think:H no one would get a word in edgeways
I agree with you about AA, I didnt like it either and dont want to go back, I love MWO and this is my support group and Im happy about it

A big world wide convention would be cool tho

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hiya …
What a weird day this has been for me. Started off OK and I had my one cup of coffee and L-Glut and worked a bit B4 and appointment with some driveway contractors at 9 AM. That over with I still had a number of errands I should have run but NO ENERGY at all.

I took the dog for a short walk in the hill although it was cold and a touch of rain off and on. Spoke to my shop about a few things and just puttered a bit getting NOTHING done.

I am getting these weird little headache “stabs” that last for about 3-5 seconds and are gone. And I have ZERO appetite. I tried drinking some Ensure and it went right through me. Last night for dinner I had rice and steamed veggie so I know I didn’t eat anything bad – but my system is not running proper. I just now, at almost 730 PM forced myself to eat some pasta with veggies as I haven’t eaten anything all day and have drank onlt water and apple juice. NO wine! Wow! Could not even bring myself to get in thecar to drive to the corner store – so it’s an AF day!

I napped with the TV a bit and a neighbor stopped over and I felt obligated to walk a bit with her and her Golden – so we did a short one. Then back to the sofa. I don’t know what is going on with me! I mean, I am glad I had no cravings for wine (although I took L-Glut I think twice today) but I just feel funky and no energy or interest. A GF called me a few hours ago to come over for some wine and bring Charlie – no way. Didn’t even shower today. I think I’m depressed! ACK

Hopefully a better one tomorrow and sorry for the whining! I'm just a bit shocked at myself that I didn’t even but wine today …

Hugs to all …

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

There are changes going on inside you WTE and they sound like they could be good ones, even tho its feeling crap, WOW, not buying wine.

I hope your not depressed, do you have depression? maybe your run down and need a rest, when do you get time off?

I hope your feeling better today xxx

[Last14theroad]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all just reading all the conversations is keeping me sane and sober.
About DUI, after waking up in a state of Afdom I realise the inconsideration of my actions.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

A bit tired and grumpy today, I think my blood sugar is low. Sometimes I just feel like I've almost been 3 weeks AF and I'm doing so much good and I did lose two kilos and now I'm just one down. Why am I not losing weight. Fucksticks, it just feels like I should somehow be rewarded for all this effort.

Sorry, I just need to feel sorry for myself for a little while. Will eat something proper and come back later today to comment on your statuses.

I know its superficial but AL made me gain 25 kilos and I did lose 10 in the last year but I am keen to lose more before I go to the UK. I have so much clothes that will just fit better etc. Fuck. Crappo. Yarr. Damnit. Argh. (sorry)

WTE - you may be coming down with something. Otherwise consider titrating down for another week or two? I mean you are doing so well, no need to make yourself feel sick just for the sake of rushing into three glasses. 4 vs 8 glasses is a MASSIVE improvement health wise.

DB

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

You are doing good for yourself Dizzy and the weight will come off, its crap that it just takes time. Try not to get too upset about it, you are doing so well with the AL, brilliant in fact, 3 weeks AF is a massive achievement and you need to congratulate yourself on it.

Glad your staying sane and sober Road

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning everyone. Well, mu daughter has left - it will be good for her - it felt odd to me though - she has always been within 20 mins driving distance of me!! Now she is 13 hours away!!

Diz - so sorry you are getting down in the dumps - oh trust me, I so know that feeling! But I am feeling better - now we need to get you to feeling better! Sometimes when you have been AF for about 3 weeks that can happen - it did to me - it is the body adapting to a state of normality and things getting back to how they should be after having had AL as the norm for so long. just try and hang in there. plus you have so much going on too. The weight will come off eventually - it didn't come on over night did it? And it is better to lose it slowly too as that way it stays off better.

Road - yes, reading all the posts here does help doesn't it ? Lots of support and help - ideas too when we want to stray. Doesn't always stop us but hey - if it even helps just a tiny bit!!

WTE - So sorry you are going downhill too - as Diz said - maybe you are coming down with something? We always tend to think everything is to do with AL, whereas really we are also humans that get other stuff wrong sometimes!! Sorry you have no energy - maybe today is better? i always have energy so really cannot stand when my energy does down!! Such an awful feeling. But energy creates energy - unless you ARE coming down with something so try and move and that might get you going - LOL - if that makes sense!! And we all need days where we do nothing anyway - you had a busy time with the shop recently so maybe you deserve a rest? As for the evening with the wine and not wanting it - I don't think it was the Topa that was the thing there - I think it was the sugar in the fruit salad - I was more than happy to have a couple of Guinness when I got home - LOL. Which reminds me I haven't taken my Topa this morning. Back in a sec. Oh - I will dig out the coupon for the All-One as I do have the book on-line. And as far as taking the L-Glut on an empty tummy - can't remember who asked - I just take it whenever - have never thought about when i take it....... Oh My Gosh WTE - an AF day for you? Well that is awesome even if it was 'cos you weren't feeling well........ good for you.... I wish I could help re the pills - but understand that you can't have it on your health records. I will be starting taking the 200mg ones next Monday - oh gosh, that is tomorrow - maybe Wednesday - I can't remember when i went up to 150mg in the am, so maybe will wait til Weds to be sure. never taken a 200mg dose all at once - it has always been 150mg in the am so I hope the 200mg isn't too high for me all at once.

Hi Applekat - nice to see you - yes, AL does add to depression - my doc said that once I was off of AL that I probably would be able to go down on my AD's. I am not sure that I agree - I was AF for 8 months and was depressed the whole time - so doc suggested takling to someone, but I never found anyone locally to talk to!! he said that I needed to find out what it was about AL that I seemed to feel I needed it in my life - once I started drinking again the depression went away! LOL

Space - hi there. I so agree- I have never been to an AA meeting - actually that isn't true - many years ago, before I had a problem with AL, I went with my dad to one - I had found it for him and he asked me to go with him for moral support - there were only 8 people there so it probably wasn't a typical meeting. But I for me, do not want to go to one. I would love to meet up with some of the folk from this thread - in fact, have already done so, and have made some really good friends!! Is lager your 'main' drink? Or wine or vodka? I got totally confused..... You seem to do well with just having the one or two lagers these days - you must be well pleased with yourself? I laughed at you making the cakes - I too like baking and will make cakes but I make then and then take them in to work. Anything on the break room table is fair game for everyone. they love when I have been baking !! Or slice the cakes and then put them in the freezer!! Oh - I do mix my L-Glut in with my mucky drink for one dose of it. And I usually have one cup of tea in the morning when I get up then a milky coffee later in the day (decaf 'cos caffeine does a number on my sleeping if I have any after noon!!). Yes, it is hard when you feel pressure from the family - it makes you want to drink doesn't it? Since the 'intervention' for want of a better word, all I can think about is having to quit smoking - I know I need to, but need to do it in my own way, in my own time. Which I will do!! Eventually!

Anyway, I am off to continue my day - I am planning on trying to do something in the garden to stop soil from coming out of one bed that is on a very slight hill - not enough to look like a hill but enough that it is a pain when it pours or we get storms!!

Back later everyone - hope you are all having a great day - hugs to you, :l

Love, Sun X

CODE for Coupon for all-One is MW15

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Space: No, I have never been diagnosed with depression nor taken AD drugs. I just it is just the touch of sadness I still feel from “buddy” (another email yesterday) and the physical changes of not polluting my system to quite the extent I was a month ago. I was looking at old charts and it’s been 19 months since I had an AF day! Now THAT is scary!

I did move up to 50/50 4 days ago – so who knows, could be adjusting to that as well. But I used to blame the wine on mot having energy to get things done – now I feel like I can’t get anything done unless I am drinking! Weird! Just numbing myself out with sill TV until I can finally go to bed …

I had Friday off and yesterday off. Today again and I can take Monday home office as well if I choose to. It’s a mixed blessing because I used to just power out at my desk with wine when home office, and take naps in between. Now it almost seems “safer” to be at the shop – so we will see. Thankfully I sleep really well – always have. Crazy dreams, but that is the norm for me with or without Topa.

Road: Doing so great! Oh my – I have had that thought SO many times before as well. I have been lucky (knock on wood). But that luck is bound to run out sometime if I don’t change my ways! Keep it going and hugs!

Hey You Dizzy!: Like the AL, the weight didn’t get there in a few weeks and is not going to go away in a few weeks. Slow and steady and it’s OK to have a grumpy day once in a while - you are not alone! HA! Why are we always so hard on ourselves about such things? You’ve taken MAJOR steps towards a healthier life – it will all fall in place in time …

And I don’t think I’m coming down with anything. I think maybe it’s just the Topa and adjusting to the increase a bit. And the cold rainy days and frustrations with “stuff” right now. I am a “non-eating stressor” and feeling like I have my plate a bit full right now and not as much wine to take the edge off! HA! I am still fine with 4 glasses right now if that happens. Just working this month that I end up at 3 glasses avg and pretty much being comfortable with that. Still shaking my head that I had ZERO wine yesterday!!!

Hi Sun: Wow – 200mg Pills! Yikes! Can’t imagine as I am still working on getting comfortable with the 50/50 thing right now.

Yeah – tried to get my arse in gear twice yesterday with dog walks and neighbors but not to much avail. I do think it’s the newness if the increase in Topa and the LAST THING I cared about yesterday was drinking wine. SO WEIRD after 19 months!

So, today I feel better and have had my one cup of coffee and soon to take some L-Glut. Sun, I did order the All-One and it should be here next week. YUCK . HA! I need to go to the grocery store today and buy all kinds of fruit to hide the flavor. I hope the “green” one taste better because that original was really hard for me to get down. But we’ll give it a shot. I need the vitamins and have been bad about taking all that I should.

This morning the sun is out – FINALLY! Wish it was a touch warmer but the day all in all feels brighter and I feel more balanced. Going to try and finish my errands I should have done yesterday and maybe garden a bit as well. Who knows what will happen with the wine today but I can already feel a touch of craving *sigh* so I guess I am feeling better. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? HA!

Off for a shower to get the day started right!

Hugs to all!

WTE

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I dont know what it is but Im feeling pretty crap at the moment myself, physically I mean. I have back problems and today my back has been bad and is getting worse now, the pains are now also in my legs, taken pain meds and no luck so I will probably try to go to bed early just to get some relief from it.

I have put on quite a bit of weight, I started putting on weight when I started trying to stop drinking. I didnt eat much when I drank but then I would stop drinking and binge on food, there used to be times I would crave food and be in the kitchen looking for anything that I could eat. Luckily thats all stopped now but my eatings still not right so I have decided to just try and get my eating right and the AL sorted for a while and then I will look at my weight again.

I dont know what doses of topa are, is 50/50 pretty low? Sun can you cut the 200mg pills in half, mind you that would be no good because you want 150 dont you. Where you going to titrate up anyway. I get my bac and gabapentin online bacause my doctor wont prescribe anything of label or in fact anything that could be potentialy be sued over and when I put my order in the other day I couldnt get 100mg gabapentin anywhere so I have had to order 300mg but I have had them before, they are capsules and I can open them up and split the contents ito the two 1/2 of the shell and wrap a cigarette rolling paper round it and swallow it that way. Its a pain tho and much easier when I get the 100mg and take it 4 times a day.

I do think there are changes being made in our bodies and brains when we stop or cut down drinking and not all of them feel good. And then theres dealing with emotional stuff without the AL to just take it away that is tough to do. This is why its so bloody hard to keep it up because it stands to reason that when we give up the drink we should feel great, and its not just fair when that doesnt happen But my life is soooo much better now, in fact I love where Im at, Im not drinking (much, or out of control) and Im not feeling deprived and heading for a bender. oh and I think someone asked on here, I used to drink lager years ago when I drank every day for years on end but slowly started to add in the vodka of a weekend, but for a lot of the time I could still function, take my son to school, clean the house, cook dinner etc then under pressure form my family I started trying to stop drinking, I would have horrendous dt's and was hospitalised a few time. My eldest two kids would check the house, pour any drink away, lock me in my room it was an awful time, when I couldnt sneak drink into the house I would go to the woods to drink sometimes passing out there, because it was harder to sneak in 12 cans of lager than a bottle of vodka I started drinking the vodka. So that led to now which has been years of no drink then bender, with the benders getting shorter and the no drink times getting longer, but I think the benders got shorter because my body just cant take it any more, after a few days I am so ill. I definatley dont think I should ever drink vodka again, its because it goes down so quickly and easily 1/2 the bottle has gone before I realised it and then Im getting pissed and past the point of no return.

Got to go and cook the lads their tea, catch up with you all soon xxx

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Shit - lost a post due to hitting the wrong key!! CRAP!!

Will catch up later - UGH!!!

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Houtx, if you were here, we could all count to three and shout "CUT AND PASTE" at you but sadly we are in a virtual world. Stubborn much Sorry honey, hope to see you back soon.

And sorry for all the expletives yesterday everyone. Such is life I suppose. I've been posting at the monthly abstinence thread as well and theyve been telling me about the Paleo diet, its basically a Caveman type diet. I may look into doing it for two weeks next month as I do want to shift a few kilos before I move to the UK. I don't mind gradual weight loss but I think I want to show my bf how much I've changed and how much healthier I've become and I think if I can shift some pounds that will help my case. I know that if I really decide to quit permanently and his drinking becomes worse our relationship will not work out so I worry about this a lot...

Anyway, enough of the pity party. Had a lovely market on Saturday. Sold sprouts and met hippies. Worked hard, laughed a lot, beat the hell out of lying in bed every Saturday wishing I was dead I was so hung over. God, I really don't miss that part of drinking. Now I am going to drink again when I go to the UK but I have no idea what it will be like. I think I will be able to stop at one or two because I was able to do that from the early days. But I havent been around people who drink a lot, so I don't know. We'll see.

Hey Space, when I'm in the UK you can post me some cakes, OK? It seems like you have had a tough road honey. I mean I suffered with depression and I'm sure we all had bad times but I really feel for you for having to go through all of that before finding something that works. And stop waiting (like me) for the bubble to burst! Its not going to! Things are going to be like this, you have this great support network and you can take baby steps at building your life. Hey and whats that nonsense about throwing away cakes. Sell them! Make money! Use the money to buy Space some sexy clothes! If you're not working at the moment and you are beating this AL thing and you love baking, you need to make it work for you. My one friend makes loads of money out of cupcakes. Welcome to With Love Baking!!! | With Love Baking and something tells me WTE has a nose for business so maybe she can give you some advice. Why don't you take a picture of one of your cakes and post it here? You have to first open a flickr or an online photo account but thats not too difficult. Please??? For me? I can help you a bit if its something you would consider and if you'll bake me a cake for my birthday in November.

I actually don't have a problem with meeting up but perhaps this forum is what allows us to speak to freely and to be there for each other. I mean we allow each other to check in when we can, to do our best, we don't exert pressure, etc. This thread means the life to me so thanks everyone for your own special brand of quirkiness. I mean other than this thread if we reach that point where everyone can agree to one AF day per week, we can then perhaps meet up at a chat room kind of thing but different time zones... I'm just saying AF as I know from experience how odd it is to chat when one is sober and the other is in shangri la land...

Road/BABF - Did you read the book? Made any decisions on Topa vs Bac? Space is on Bac and then most of the rest of us are on Topa. Glad to see you check in - be safe OK? And I don't judge, what is it about being under the influence that makes us think we are sober enough to drive? I have some stories...but this is not AA

WTE - I like your particular brand of tough love. And love your mood icon - coool. You know what REALLY impressed me about you? How you went out for the sushi and sake and then poured out the wine. Shit, GF that takes determination. I wouldve had a million excuses about how it was my night out, blah blah blah. Well done you. Perhaps we are both dealing with a bit of the AF blues. I know I'm AF and you are 1/2 AF but we both have a lot more clarity, ja? (I'm afrikaans so we use the German ja.) As I use your Ha! you can use ja to tease me. But no, I'm not a racist as I was a child and living in Namibia during Apartheid. :P

In rehab we learnt (a lot of crap but this part made sense) that many of us start drinking because we don't want to deal with our emotions. We don't want to be sad, bored, lonely, irritated, frustrated and whats scary is that many problem drinkers is petrified of being really happy too. But when we pour a lot of wine (or whatever) on it it doesnt go away, it just stays inside and festers. So I think as we become more sober we have to now deal with this and open the pandoras box. Open it a smidgen every once in a while and have a good cry. What is so bad about crying anyway? Watch a really sad movie and get it all out, you'll feel much better the next day.

Boredom and loneliness are worse than sadness for me but I became more and more of a recluse when I drank so I became more bored and more lonely so I drank more... Now when I'm bored I do stuff. And when I'm lonely I call someone. Amazingly simple isnt it

Sorry, I'm rambling. But I think we are all feeling a touch of reality. And as the wise Sunny said, not everything in our lives are caused by alcohol. Life hurts and if we want to be able to feel 100% joy and love etc. we have to man up and be able to face the flip side too without running to the bottle every time.

Good for you Applecat, your depression will get better if you drink less. I figured out an amount which I could have (I think it was 5 glasses) I could have that and be OK in the morning, more than that and I would feel tired and yuck the rest of the day. So if you can make it your goal to perhaps cut down to an amount where you have more energy, you will already see a huge improvement and you will see less cravings too. (ever noticed that the more you drink the more you crave?)

Sun - glad you had a lovely visit with your daughter. Its cool that so many of us like gardening around here. How many of you others garden? How many children do you have Sun? In fact I'd like to ask all of you. I have none but I still have some time left... I think I was always too worried to have a baby while being so messed up but now I might just have the energy for a little bugger or buggerina. Sorry, I'm teasing. LOL. I want a little girl and I want to call her Mia and I want to dress her up. (broody much?) Glad to hear you are feeling better Sun. Perhaps its the mucky drink. Does it really taste yuck like WTE says? Ha! Now I'm asking you and you are a veggie. Your taste buds arent like those of a normal persons!

Let me go, typing to oneself is a clear sign of needing to move on to the next chore. I hope I answered everything. Hang in there everyone thats feeling a bit yuck and blech and argh. I think we are all doing super and karma should dish each of us something nice this week as a 'good on you' gesture.

Keep up the good work and remember there is no shame in crying.
DB
XOX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dizzy I know youve probably already said but what are these sprouts?

Im am ok with drinking the lager so maybe you could think of something like that if you decide you want to drink again, Im not sure if you do or not tho but you will know yourself at the time. This morning I had ?20 left until I get paid tomorrow and went to the shop, got bits of milk, eggs and a few other things and cigarettes and didnt even think about my having no lager and now no money to buy any! Its ok, I probably have enough to get one can later if needed but it just didnt enter into my head this morning.

When I viseted my auntie and uncle yesterday my son was telling her about my cakes and she has asked for some, she said she would pay me but I dont feel right taking money from her. I tried to sell them at stalls local to me but wasnt allowed, I need to have a certificate from health and safety for making food at home and I wont get one because I have dogs in the house, even though the dogs are no where near where I make the cakes. I suppose I could lie and hide the dogs when they visit but I dont feel right about that either.

I am just going to give my son a lift to the shops to buy a new game for his xbox, I will be back in a bit

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Bloody UK Health and Safety are such a bloody bunch of wan... (counting to ten) I mean do your dogs bake the cakes? Do you use dog meat in your cakes? They're simply ridiculous. They would rather we eat cardboard Asda cakes than yummy home-made cakes just because a real human being actually owns a dog. Whats the world come to?

:alf:

We'll think of something. But would you make a really pretty cake and post a picture for us please?

Here is some info on the sprouting: Precision Nutrition Coaching | All About Sprouting
Sunny is also a sprouter as she is a veggie.

You said Liverpool, right? Why don't you joing this: Welcome to Liverpool LETS ? I'm sure hippies don't discriminate against dogs. And I'm a hippie so I'm allowed to say it. Its an alternative currency, you earn it and you spend it within the community, you don't pay interest and no one breaks your knee caps if you owe money - mostly because they are too stoned - HA! Just teasing.

I don't have time to read the whole page to check if its the same as my local one but I'm pretty sure it is and its a great way to sell cakes, meet people and get involved in your community without health and safety getting their noses in your business (I think).

PS: Lager or cider may be a good idea. Red wine's my poison and when I taste it I want to gulp it when I'm on my own. Its actually hard work to get pissed on lager.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks Dizzy I have sent them an email.

I just took my son to the shop and he was in there over an hour, I fell asleep in the car

I have three kids a daughter 25, and two sons 23 and 12, my sons live with me and my daughter live with her bf, she has just phoned and asked if she can come and stay for the night here as she wants me to help her fill in a job application, so theres my evening planned.

Im not really into gardening, my back garden is a mess with the dogs but last year I bought plants and put them in pots and now I have planted them out in between the pots so the dogs dont walk over them and hope they grow, they are bush type things so once they get established and start getting bigger they should be ok. Last year I also planted an apple tree and its now got pretty pink flowers on it

I get pissed on wine, its another of the drinks I will aviod, too easy to just knock back the whole bottle then want another one.

ps I will try to post a picture, i will get my son to help me do it