New here and starting Topa and with a question

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

Sorry if I'm quiet, I'm just going through a difficult patch. So let me just say that I think of you guys as my best (and yes real) friends in the world. Of course we are all real and its nice to know that I now have a very good friend on almost every continent in the world who understand what its like to have problems with alcohol. But also, aside from that, each and every one of you is a fantastic woman in her own rights.

So if I don't come here every day, don't ever think its because I've lost interest, its only because I'm struggling. I have a lot of stress. I hit a plateau with the Topa and I'm supposed to be titrating up but because of the stress I can't sleep so although the higher dose of topa can make me feel better its also disrupting my sleep...so I've been fooling around between the old dose and the new dose. The old dose is no longer keeping cravings at bay and I've been bad at regularly taking my antabuse too.

Worst part of it, I also have klonopin to help me with anxiety and the last week I've been taking it as candy. I know this is a very helpful drug but its also very dangerous. Just before the topa I started titrating down as I read horrible stories of people trying to come off it and having awful awful side effects. So its a bit catch 22. And then my pharmacy closed early yesterday and I found out today that they don't open on Sundays, so now I'm without my anxiety drug, and my anxiety is through the roof. I've never been good with anxiety, this whole week has felt like one long panic attack.

And as I had a panic episode 18 months ago while on bac, I am EXTREMELY panicky about anxiety and panick in general. Anxiety breeds anxiety and panic feeds panic. :durn:

So my mom is in a very bad way again and I'm afraid to leave her on her own. I started the new job and they hardly gave me any instructions. I'm filling out the visa application and thats a panic attack right there. So I've been trying to keep calm but also I can't stop any of this as time is of the essense. I NEED to work as I have to show the British embassy I have R20K in my bank account to pay for my fees. Also my boyfriend made a mistake at work so his stress levels is through the roof.

So yesterday I drank again as I just SO wanted relief. And I didnt have my anxiety meds and I just feel between a rock and hard place all the time. I have to work non stop, I have to prove myself at this new job, I have to complete the old job and train my friend to help me, I have to look after my parents all the time, I feel scared to leave my mom alone for too long as she may do something, I have to ensure my dad is OK as he is going in for the reversal of the colon bag op tomorrow, I have to keep the peace with my boyfriend and not offload too much stress on him as he feels they may fire him tomorrow. I have to keep myself together and not have a full blown panic attack and all of this while being out of my regular anxiety meds for almost 48 hours, which means I could start going into withdrawal any second now.

So I spent some time at my parents this afternoon. My mom in fetal position in bed. My dad having to take meds to clear his colon and him not able to eat for 18 hours. Me knowing I have to start working again tomorrow, having to pick up my anxiety meds and somehow just KEEP IT TOGETHER DIZ. Also started taking the antabuse again as alcohol is so not the answer to all of this. If anything, it breeds more anxiety as it makes me pretty much useless, especially now with the topa, as it makes me more sleepy and more anxious.

So I have read all your posts and I am with you all and I feel your pain and joy and share your experiences and I'm just not WITH IT enough right now to give feedback to each one. Thanks so much for all your kind comments on what I shared about the abuse. I really dont think it makes me unique and I think everyone has their pain. Also, I don't have a victim mentality, and yes I did share the experience with my pdoc. I eventually share it with people but I think its wrong when people use an experience like that to define who they are. Shit happens.

I was just reminiscing and thinking back that all of what happened probably contributed to me deciding to self medicated with alcohol. And I think I became an alcoholic as I was born with bipolar or alcoholic genes and this mixed with the fact that I decided to self medicate with alcohol for a prolonged period of time turned me into one. If I had the right support and money, I wouldve found the right medicine and counselling earlier, and wouldve probably not have been a full blown alcoholic at the age of 30, but who knows, its just speculation.

But thats what makes the serenity prayer so special. God can mean what you want it to be, it can be your support group, your higher power, whatever, but its mostly about ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that you are where you are right now and no means of making pacts with yourself, god or even the devil can turn back time and make you or me be not an alcoholic ever again. Its how we deal with it. Its about being serene and being grateful, even on those days when life gives us very fecking little to be grateful for.

So today I'm grateful for you guys, my very wonderful and very real circle of friends. You do make me laugh a LOT and sometimes I do shed a tear when I read about the pain you go through. But mostly my heart aches with sheer gratitude to know that, by chance, I have found this site and this thread in particular, and I know that you guys understand me much better than my best friend probably ever will, as she will never know what its like to pour a glass of wine, only to pour it down the sink half an hour later. That, and loads of other things. Because we have this platform and we can share our most intimate secrets without worrying if the others understand, because I know you do, and I know I do.

I love you all, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are and for coming here every day or whenever you can and for lifting me up at times like this when otherwise I wouldve felt like I'm alone at the bottom of a very deep and dark bottomless pit.

:h:h:h

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

A while back I posted this link for you guys to read ‘The Little Prince’ my shared favourite book with The Summer Book, and Winnie the Pooh... and perhaps some others LOL http://cs.swan.ac.uk/~cswill/The_little_prince.pdf

And even though its a short book I realised you probably didn’t read it so here’s my favourite chapter. Its about how we teach people how to get to know us. I think its lovely and applicable to us as a circle of friends, no one in particular, probably to anyone who has ever met anyone in their lives.

As background, the little prince is a fictitious character who comes from a planet in the sky. Like its a short book, and by following the link you could probably read the book in an hour or two. The little prince spaceship crashes on earth where he meets a man who fixes it for him. While the guy fixes his spaceship, he tells him about all the people he has met on different planets. One of which was also an alcoholic, every person tells you about a character you have met before somewhere in life, but it is the fox story I like the most. Its also where I got my signature line from. Its a very old book.

Oh, and the prince has a ‘Rose’ back home, his girlfriend per se, she convinced him she is the only rose in the universe, but lets continue with story time.


The Fox

It was then that the fox appeared.



“Good morning,” said the fox.

“Good morning,” the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

“I am right here,” the voice said, “under the apple tree.”
“Who are you?” asked the little prince, and added, “You are very pretty to look at.”

“I am a fox,” said the fox.

“Come and play with me,” proposed the little prince. “I am so unhappy.”

“I cannot play with you,” the fox said. “I am not tamed.”

“Ah! Please excuse me,” said the little prince.

But, after some thought, he added: “What does that mean– ‘tame’?”

“You do not live here,” said the fox. “What is it that you are looking for?”

“I am looking for men,” said the little prince. “What does that mean – ‘tame’?”

“Men,” said the fox. “They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing.
They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?”

“No,” said the little prince. “I am looking for friends. What does that mean– ‘tame’?”

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. It means to establish ties.”

“ ‘To establish ties’?”

“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we
shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . . ”

“I am beginning to understand,” said the little prince. “There is a flower. . . I think that she has tamed me. . . ”

“It is possible,” said the fox. “On the Earth one sees all sorts of things.”
“Oh, but this is not on the Earth!” said the little prince.
The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.
“On another planet?”
“Yes.”
“Are there hunters on this planet?”
“No.”
“Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?”
“No.”
“Nothing is perfect,” sighed the fox.

But he came back to his idea.

“My life is very monotonous,” the fox said. “I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground.

Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have
tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat. . . ”

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
“Please– tame me!” he said.

“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.”

“One only understands the things that one tames,” said the fox. “Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me. . . ”

“What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince. “You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down at a little distance from me–
like that– in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day. . . ”

The next day the little prince came back.

“It would have been better to come back at the same hour,” said the fox.

“If, for example, you come at four o’clock in the afternoon, then at three o’clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances.

At four o’clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you. . . One must observe the proper rites. . . ”

“What is a rite?” asked the little prince.

“Those also are actions too often neglected,” said the fox. “They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all.”.

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near–

“Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”
“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you. . . ”

“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.
“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.
“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.
“Then it has done you no good at all!”

“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the color of the wheat fields.” And then he added:
“Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.”

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.” And the roses were very much embarrassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you– the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.
And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.
“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret:
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

“What is essential is invisible to the eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”

“It is the time I have wasted for my rose–” said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it.
You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose. . . ”

“I am responsible for my rose,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

That is lovely Diz - and I WILL read the Little Prince - I can't believe it is in the young Readers section...... - it seems very deep..... oh - and time wasted that is enjoyed - is NEVER wasted !!

I am sorry you are so stressed right now - there seems to be nothing I can say apart from I am sorry you are feeling like that - and know that I am here for you. Sending you strength vibes and healing vibes..... and loving vibes.... from me to you. I understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and also understand there is nothing I can suggest for you to do to stop those feelings. you quite frankly, have too much on your plate right now. Stroke your animals...... deep breathe...... I am so sorry Dear friend :l:l:h:h

Love and many hugs, Sun XX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Sunny, trust me, from what I know about you and our shared love of Winnie, you will LOVE both the Summer book and The Little Prince. It can be read to children and they love the story and the pictures but its very much a philosohical book about life. I would say a bit deeper than Winnie. Children can enjoy it but adults with young hearts get so much more out of it.

Thanks my friend, sometimes we just need someone(s) to listen. After re-reading part of the book my heart palpitations has slowed down. I'm now in bed with my electric blanket (its the coldest day of the year here, hard for you guys to imagine, I'm sure! and I'm just allowing myself to be. Sometimes that makes all the difference. Hugs to you to with your friend and her husband, that must be awfully tough on you. The Rhodiola didnt work so for me (but if it does you, then make sure you stock up) but I did read up on Sceletium after a friend gave me a little bag full of dried leaves yesterday, not sure if its readily available there but it seems good in theory. http://www.sceletium.org/

Also reading Holfords book Food Is Better Medicine Than Drugs: Your Prescription for Drug Free Health: Amazon.co.uk: Patrick Holford, Jerome Burne: Books

Cant remember if I clarified this, fuzzy brain, have you said goodbye for good to Lexapro? Hope you are feeling OK, and it was really cool to see such a quick response.

:l :l :l

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Diz - what is The Summer Book? I am sorry the Rhodiola didn't help you - it is very subtle - just sort of takes the edge of things...... I have never heard of Sceletium. I shall have to Google it. And yes, I am off the Lexapro too. Not taking an AD's at all. And am not planning on starting again either. I agree with trying food instead of drugs for health/depression etc...... which is why I am off the AD's - after what I went through I do not want to get into that whole circle again...

I am just pottering today - it is really hot out and I am sort of tidying inside, gearing up to get outside and started on weeding an area of the garden that hasn't been touched this year - I put fences round where the spring bulbs were to stop the dogs from running them down and have pulled one of the fences down and want to clear the area - but the ground is like concrete. I also need to set up the water butts now the gutters have been done. After all, I am sure we will get rain one day and I would like to have the water butts ready. I will post a pic of the one that we have but am going to attach the second one to it......oh hang on - I already posted a pic of it on the gardening thread.

Anyway - going to carry on tidying for a little while longer - am waiting for a skype call....

love and hugs, Sun XXXX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Only the BEST BOOK EVER!!

Amazon.com: The Summer Book (New York Review Books Classics) (9781590172681): Tove Jansson, Thomas Teal, Kathryn Davis: Books

I can say with 99.99% confidence that you'll love it. I did post a chapter on here called 'The Cat'? Its from The Summer Book. Its written by a Scandanavian lady Tove Jannson who has now passed on. She has also written the Moomin book series, which you will also find in the kiddies section in your book store, and probably ALSO adore. I actually love them more than the Pooh books. Rich prose, deep characters, written for kids but adults can get a lot from it. It was probably the best part about my ex boyfriend, the way he used to read me the whole series of Moomin books on Wintery nights. Mind you, we did other things too, but he loved to read to me.

Sceletium does sound promising. I think I'm just in too bad a state for the Rhodiola to have a fighting chance right now.

WTE - the one pic you had of charlie had fatty plants in it, that looked like Sceletium, although it wasnt, I'm just mentioning it, because if that plant can survive where you live, you can probably grow your own natural antidepressant in your background too. Its native to South Africa but once you get a plant and you have a sunny climate, it pretty much grows like a weed.

My, you are are busy bee, but then its the coldest day of the year here and it has been dark for 3 hours, so its hard to compare things, where I'm lying here, with my nose hardly sticking out of the blankies.

Will look at your 'butts' on the gardening thread and then off to a movie and sleepies time so I can be awake at 5am tomorrow should my parents need help with the trip to th:le hospital.

Love to all.

:l

[Kradle123]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Diz:

When I was little around 6 or so ( I am 50 now) my big sister had The Little Prince and I wanted to Read it but she told me it was too important to let me read and it was WAY to special and sophisticated and besides it was written in French! Which it was! My Dad was French Canadian so his copy was from Monreal.
But I will NEVER forget my sister creating such an aire of complete mystery around The Little Prince. Now My kids read it all the time though I think I enjoy it more than they do (secretly- maybe because all those years ago my sister made it sound like I would be reading the dead scrolls! :H )

PS: Harold and The Purle Crayon is my kids personal favorite...

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I have just got in and am so glad to see that you posted Dizzy, but sorry you have so much upset and stress going on in your life. Its good that you are in bed with the hot blanket sounds the best place to be, I also liked reading the bit of your book you posted. Mmm a movie then sleep time, now thats an idea :lx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all - I have ordered the book The Summer Book - from Barnes & Noble - as they are better than Amazon - so should be getting that in the post soon..... B & N also have it in French funnily enough ..... yes Diz - I remember you posting The Cat. I have also ordered some Sceletium (sp?) so watch this space.... Diz, your dad will be in my prayers for his op tomorrow - my friend in the UK had the same op years ago when it was first done - she was the second person that it was done on......

My favourite books from my childrens childhood have to be the Serendipity books - they are awesome. Each comes with a message....... and the illustrations are lovely too - they are about animals as the main characters and I love the messages in them.

I have just made a peanut butter thingie and also a lemon thingie and put some spanokopita in the oven (from frozen) for lunch for the next couple of days. going back out to do a couple of pots and then I am finished for the evening! Got to remake the bed but am not going to do anything else - no ironing no nothing !!!! Just shower and take it easy....... then early bed.....

Love and hugs to all,

love, Sun XXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Everyone and Hi Dizz Especially Right Now,

Oh my, yes you do have so much going on for such a young person, especially with your parents, as you are so young you shouldn't have to be dealing with that as of yet, how old are they, may I ask? if you have told us, I have forgotten or didn't catch it the first time around, you are a good daughter to be looking after them, but wow, they really have such physical problems, I am so sorry for them and for YOU!

Dizz, as I said before, I don't really think that we are "born alcoholics" but I probably think the genetic tendency might be there given the right factors, just like I really do believe that depression is genetic, the reason I believe that so strongly is that all three of my children have had severe problems with depression since they were diagnosed in middle school, and they probably had it even before then, perhaps I should rethink being born "AL", I'm not sure.

I feel that it came from their father's side of the family, I do take AD but only since my divorce 10 years ago, but their father suffered severe depression all his life and after things that I can't go into here on this site, he became much worse. As a mother I dealt with my children's depression when I didn't even know what it was, but I learned soon enough. Now, my daughter uses Klonopin as a backup med for her severe anxiety attacks, she is very diligent about taking it only when she absolutely has to, thank god, she has not been caught up in the drinking cycle, she has dealt with her anxiety mostly with AD and consistent talk therapy which she has done since she was in middle school, we went thru many people over the years finding therapists that she felt good with, I think she would not be alive today without the therapy she has gone thru, and the medication that she is on.

All of my kids are on medication and that is why I know that it is genetic, perhaps I should not share all of this here, but again perhaps it will help another parent out there somewhere, please don't feel ashamed if your children need medication, it is better than having them be dead.

Woops didn't mean to make this about me, back to you Dizz, I would be a "wreck" if I were dealing with everything that you are going thru right now and the trying to get the Visa to go see BF, OMG, could there be anything else more difficult thrown into the mix????? well, the parents, the Klonopin, the stress at the job, the stress of the BF afraid he is going to lose his job, well, OMG, no wonder you are "Going Round the Bend", I so know how much you are stressing right now, I don't know if I have ever had that many things going on at the same time, but I can certainly "EMPATHIZE WITH YOU".

Oh Dizz, do you need to back off somehow? is that a possibility? I don't know any of the alternative options, are there any?

Thank you for reassuring me that we are "Real", because I really kind of love you and I know that we all do, and as I said, please call me if you need me, I will be just across the water. Also, I love, "The Little Prince", it has always been one of my favorite books, and it was one of the first books that I bought for my little grandson in Spain, it just shows me how much we have in common that you love it also.

In fact, I am always amazed at the things that all of my friends on here constantly suggest that I read, google, think about, meditate on, pray about, sing, watch, grow, sprout, etc. you are the most amazing people that I have ever known.

Sun, you said it so well, about how safe you feel here on this thread, how you love to come here and share yourself in the morning and the end of your day, I think we all feel that way, I know that I can come here and share anything and you will always give me your heartfelt opinions. Sometimes you are tired and can't post, sometimes, you are busy, sometimes you can post, sometimes someone else is able to post, in the end, we are a team, a team of friends, we are here to care for each other, and the really neat thing is that we seem to "rally" for the one that needs it the most at the time.

Well, I got home very late from the hospital, that probably explains why I needed a bit of a rambling on time, to de-stress, thank you for bearing with me, I'm ready for some dinner, and then bed, gee, thank you all for listening, love,

play

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi All

Yeah, thanks Play, I think I'm going to take it down a notch today. I can't take the day off because that too will drive me nuts but I'll tell work that I need the morning off to be with my dad and tell my parents I can't help as much with hospital duty today because of my new job. That way I won't feel quite as tattered by the end of the day.

My parents are only 65 but they sure behave like they are 75 most days. My dad's actually a fighter and he became better with age and a nicer person after his brain operation (its kind of funny but true) but my mom spoils him endlessly which makes him a nightmare to look after when she's sick.

My mom's always been wonderful but since the late onset bipolar after they moved from their big house to their small house, she has one month up and one month down with bipolar and she is a true terror when she is down. Nothing is good enough, everything is wrong, she constantly needs help, she sometimes needs to be hospitalised, it affects my mood so much and whenever I put up boundaries my brother that lives with me just fills in for me as he is completely codependent. So then I feel guilty about him working 12 hour days and me working from home and deciding to take some me time while he still then goes out and do their stuff. :durn:

So Space, I can relate. And I guess in a way thats a reason I want to go away, I'm so tired of their drama taking over my life. And I'd love to give you advice on boundaries but I myself are stuck. At least in the UK you have a bit more structure, here its every person for themselves as the state does not look after retired people. The state pension is something like R2000 and if you happen to be white there is no accommodation whatsoever, its just part of living in a 3rd world country that is still recovering from the severe injustice of the past.

You *should* help your mom stand up to your aunt though. Your brother is being selfish and your aunt does what she does as she has realised that she can get away with it as everyone around her is too fragile to stand up to her. I hope you are still feeling better and you can help your mom stand up to her.

Loved your story Kradle, its so cute how older siblings can make us believe things like that. Well I'm sure she did believe it. The Little Prince was written by a frenchman, Antoine de Saint-Exup?ry, but lucky for us it has now been translated into lots of different languages.

WTE - what happened to you? Tied up with your new bf by any chance? We need to hear about that date!

Play, you are an awesome mom and did and are doing a great job with looking after your kids. That's why I worry about my bf and possible children. Well I have enough bad brain genes to hold a circus party and he doesnt but with the AL...I don't think thats fair on kids. To be honest right now I'm just going for 6 months for a visit, nothing wrong with that, right? I get some distance from my parents, get to travel Europe again, see myself from a different perspective, still talk to you guys, and I'm still young enough to come back and settle down with someone else should the alcohol be a problem.

Sounds like your daughter is doing the sensible thing by only taking the Klonopin when she has to. Thats why I was panicking, I knew I was taking it too often and it was a slippery slope! I will have to talk to the doc about perhaps giving me something non-addictive to help me sleep for the next month, that way I can keep the Klonopin for day time emergencies. (And I should learn to breathe and cope and do relaxation excercises)


Sun, of course Barnes & Noble is better We don't have them here but then again we don't have a local Amazon website either. I did love going to B&N stores in the UK though, it was thanks to them I kept having to pay extra overweight fees as I was carting so many books back to SA. The Summer Book's author is Finnish and the original is Swedish, but of course you are buying the English translation.

I really wish everyone here could read the book. The summary says: An elderly artist and her six-year-old granddaughter Sophia spend a summer together on a tiny island in the gulf of Finland exploring, talking about life, nature, everything but their feelings about Sophia's mother's death and their love for one another.

And go you for being a brave explorer on the Sceletium front! When I took it, it gave me energy for a few hours and then after that it made me feel mildly sleepy. But I'm sure the capsule form will be easier to control.

Let me go work for a bit.

Lots of hugs and strength to everyone,

:h

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello all …

I wish I had time to write but I am dashing for the shower and off to work (late again!)

No – I did not disappear with a new BF. But it was a lovely evening and details to follow. HA!

Went to a Jazz & Blue festival with GFs on Saturday then. Trying hard to DO and BE more than just work. It’s so difficult for me at times to get back out there. And on top of it all, I screwed up drinking too much wine. No excuse, but the all-time love of my life, thought for sure I was going to marry, and have not seen in three years, yet still think of him almost daily …. was playing sax with one of the bands. *gulp* He eventually spotted me and when his set was over, came over for a short chat – my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest.

Long and short of it, after watching him from a distance and his GF hanging off of him, I ended up leaving early and came home for a good cry. So kind of in a tailspin for the rest of the weekend and now jamming to get my act back together ….

Will write this evening. My love and care to all of you and know I am thinking of you. Hang in there …. We’ll all make it.

WTE

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Dizz,
you certainly must get away, the sooner the better, and the more often the better, you have too many family responsibilities, I mean it, in some ways I feel that your parents are rather taking advantage of your willingness to take care of them, you have to give more thought to setting some boundaries for your own sanity, even if it means that you are not there for them every minute, you do have a responsibility to take care of yourself, and your brother lives with you and you feel guilty about him as well, Dizz, please start taking care of yourself.

As for me being a good mother, well, in many ways I did a very good job and in other ways I did not , I made very poor choices in husbands (2) and the divorces (2) affected and hurt my children's lives in so many ways, even tho I was a good mother, life after two divorces was not been easy, especially for the children, there have been years of many tears and heartaches, most of them due to the hurt to my children from the ripping apart of the family unit. But I did know that I wanted children and had a strong "mother instinct" which continues to this day, so in that way, I am a good mother.

Dizz, it's good that you will have some time for yourself, you need it, but just make sure that BF treats you really well, don't settle for anything less, please.

WTE, OMG, it's been three years and you still are grieving over this man that you loved and still love so much, oh, I know just how that feels, you love him and you hate him for it. Did you know that you were going to see him? Or did it just happen? Better to not ever see him again, doesn't really work to be friends. I think the only thing that works is just to never see him again and never talk to him and move where you will never take the chance of seeing him again either, a little drastic but effective.

As I recall, you are a kayaker, I'm quite a lot older than you are, I'm from Colorado and had a different life there, I was a road biker, downhill and back-country skier & a very timid kayaker, I liked the rivers but not the rapids, anyway, I have a different life now, mostly walk but I love it.

Sun, how are you feeling? How is your co-worker doing? You know it is really going to take some time before you get over thinking about this and feeling blue. Things like this really do have a very subtle effect on us and at the oddest times you might just find yourself crying for almost no reason, so hope you are doing ok today.

Hi Kradle, you Icon picture is so sweet.

Yes, The Little Prince was one of my favorite books, I bought it for my grandson, of course he just now really sits and listens when I read it to him. He also loves Curious George, Winnie the Poo, Where the Wild Things Are, Make Way for Ducklings, Blueberries For Sal, and so many others. I am the one that reads to him the most. When I visit him, we sit in bed before he goes to sleep and read for about an hour and he can never get enough.

Ok I better get to bed, I have so much to do in the next few days to get ready to go, dentist, packing, doctor (my THUMB is STUCK, it won't bend in the morning, gets better during the day, pretty funny, but pretty bizarre too, will let you know if the doc fixes it).

love and kisses
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[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I was trying to work out whether that was a saying Id never hears of or your thumb was actually stuck in your computer, oh I see it wont bend, :H

Thinking of you and you dad this morning Dizzy, hope his op goes well :l

got to get son up for school, sorry I cant talk to everyone right now but have been reading and thinking of you all xx

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning, Space, hope you are better today, I'm not even working but still have tons of stuff to do. Dizz, please hang in there. See you all later today, Hi Sun and everyone else also.

bye for now,
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