New here and starting Topa and with a question

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning everyone - just got up - worked the closing shift last night so didn't get to bed til really late , so am feeling rather tired this morning. Will post later today - lovely to see you Houtx, and a lovely post Wild.... Lots of stuff to reply to Space and WTE - and Diz - I wasn't reprimanding you - I was just worried :l Anyway - I have to hop in the shower - Will reply later golly I am feeling tired today - hot snooze twice - and MADE myself get up after that or I was scared I would have gone back to sleep properly.....

HUGS to all, Sun XX

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Yes – A Saturday morning! My, it seemed like a long and stressful week and grateful it’s over….

Space, you must be enjoying the quiet of your home again. I know that feeling, as much as I love company. I have two “set” of nieces, one from England an one from Ireland and I have often ended up with one set of them here for the summer. I ADORE all of them, but my routine does become quite different and after living alone for so many years it’s an adjustment to have others under your roof 24/7 for days or weeks (or in my case months!) at a time.

I think there’s this creepy little thought in the back of my head that makes me wonder if I could ever live with a man again just for that reason as well! HA!

You should give Match a try –what the heck. If nothing else, it is good for giggles and you will meet some interesting people. Perhaps not “the one” – but who knows, it all has to start somewhere. I always talk to the guys on the phone before I ever meet them. Some of my GFs don’t and don’t want to influenced beforehand but I find it better and feel I find out more about them on the phone than I can in just emails.

When of my “best” Match dates was a guy that in emails was a “professional photographer, recently moved to the area from Oregon and lived close by me, owned his own home, loved to garden but had not yet gotten his started, loved to BBQ, had a cat named Rescue, blah, blah,blah.” We seemed to share a lot in common and he was nice looking and sounded fun and funny and genuine (in email). We finally decided to talk on the phone (I was to call him as I don’t give out my number) and set up date.

Well, I have one FIRM rule and that is to always meet I a public place. On the phone, he REALLY wanted me to come over and he would make me a BBQ. I really paused about it and in my hesitation he went on to say that he had better explain a few things if I was “coming over”. HA! (this is another spit your wine out laughing moment for me)

After much conversation (and many questions on my part) it turns out that he recently came to California because his wife kicked him out because he has not worked for the past 12 years! (no medical reason – just could not find a job) His “professional photographer” career consisted of one Little League photo that was published in a local a paper and he sold for $30. His “house” he owned was an old RV he drove down and was parked in a commercial lot where his friend had an office and the cords were running into the guys office window for power. His “garden” consisted of two plastic pots he recently bought at Walmart. And “his cat” was a feral (wild) cat that lived in the parking lot ….. HA! HA! Needless to say, I passed on meeting him. I sure he was a nice gent, but not a road I was ready to head down!

Flip side, a few years ago I met a wonderful man on Match. Not really “attractive” and most would say “does not seem your type” I guess because of that, but a heart of gold and most lovely a sweetest man you could ever know. A bit quiet but VERY bright and we loved (and still do) to debate world affairs and politics all with tongue in cheek and he is just a joy to be with. He is not really a sports person (although he loves to watch TV sports which I hate HA!) , were as I really am. So that was a bit of an issue. But he loved to wine and dine me and see films – and we still do that. But … no chemistry. I tried .. and I know he tried. I kept telling myself “maybe THIS is really what true love is” – not all the flash and dazzle, but the comfort and caring and enjoyment of each other. He never minded that I would go off and kayak or rock climb with friends or be gone for long weekends fly fishing or skiing. He just had no interest (and a very bad foot injury) that kept him from going and doing such things. I left for 2 weeks to Australia to visit a guy friend (totally platonic) while he remodeled my kitchen for me! But I think we both knew that while I was gone, we were going to need to “talk” when I returned. We had been together over a year. I needed to sort my head out. If I had been say 15 years older it may have been perfect. No pressure for sex, he wouldn’t mind if I went off to play bridge with the girls and he could watch football all day on the sofa and we would BBQ at night together. LOL End of story is that my return was less than “romantic” and we finally talked. You can’t force chemistry, and while we really enjoy each other, and obviously feed “something” in each other to this day – we are only friends. So for that – I am grateful for Match. =) Side note: I am pretty sure he is still in love with his EX after she divorced him 15 years ago (she re-married) and yet they still speak almost daily as they have 5 kids together.

Who was it on here that said “you are a lot younger than me”? Just flashed back on that comment and can’t remember who said that. I am pretty certain I am ramping up to being in the “Golden Girls” club. HA! 58 in another few months.

So Space, don’t need to hit the disco floor. LOL But a nice dinner out can be fun! OMG – remembering back disco days in San Francisco. Thank goodness no one had cameras on their phones back then posting to the world!

Play – Who knows when you will have a moment to read this but I was thinking of you last night. All wonderful thoughts and how exciting it must be to see your daughter and the babies again. Yes, lots or work and worry, but how magical that we live in a time that we are able to do such things. Hope you had a restful flight and a joyful landing ….

Wildflower – I always love your posts! =) Honestly, I don’t KNOW what I wish for! HA! I made a very conscious decision at a pretty young age to not have children. The same went for my two sisters. I think it’s because of what we saw our Mother go through with our alcoholic Dad and his mucking about and how hard it was on her to raise 3 young girls. We all went “NO WAY are we getting ourselves in those shoes!” Double edged sword because she raised us all to be very independent, self-sufficient, “A man is NOT a plan” idea … and THAT I think scares many a man.

Try as hard as I may, at times it’s difficult for me to always show my “softer side of Sears” (only Americans will get that phase). I am not known as a bit*h or anything, but am known as a “strong business woman” , confident, and I fear that I come off too often as not “needing” a man. Which I take as good and bad. I really don’t “need” one – but sharing my life with someone special would be nice. I’ve been married twice, but can count on one hand how many years they lasted TOTAL. HA! Well, actually the 2nd one really doesn’t count cuz I married him for papers. LOL And the 1st one I lived with for 7 years B4 we married. I’ve never been supported by a man and in fact am the only woman I know that lost MY ARSE in two divorces. HA!

So knock down my expectations a touch? I was re-reading my last post and realized I may have typed that looks WERE very important to me – when in fact they are not. I mean, having teeth is good, as least being tall enough that I can’t see the bald spot on top of his head is good, must be able to purchase one plane seat – not two in order to fly, other than that … hummm. HA!

And I HAVE envisioned my mate. In fact have it in black and white and it is really quite simple. I have 10 MUST HAVES. Then I have 10 WOULD BE NICE. Then 5 DEAL BREAKERS. One of the most important for me is being trustworthy. (guess that comes from my Dad’s shenanigans) And stable emotionally and financially. We ALL have our “stuff”, but I’m not getting involved with someone that has more baggage that I can ever help him unpack – and I am NOT about to support a guy. Not looking for a rich guy, just someone on par or close that we can build a life together. I have quite a sense of humor (although it may not often show here) and enjoy others that do and are upbeat and not afraid to laugh at themselves as well. A deadpan face guy would not work well in my life. Nor would someone that hates animals or the outdoors – both passions of mine. Does not need to be a brainiac, but please tell me you know who our VP is! HA! Total deal breaker is SARCASTIC. LOL Makes me goofy! Ok – Am I asking for too much girls?????

And yes Wildflower – I AM going to follow up with the undercover DR. But listen to this! So I call this DR my GF recommended as great. Say I am a new patient, want to make an apt with DR H and she tell me a may have to wait until end of July 1st part of August and I say OK. Never asked WHY I want an appointment, but takes my name (a fake one), my phone # (cell so she can’t trace) address (PO Box) who referred me (gave GF name) and the final question: What Insurance Company? I said “I’ll be paying cash”. There is all theses Uummm, AHHHHss I’m not sure Dr H is taking on new patients without insurance so I’ll need to check with him and get back to you. WTH??? I want to stand there with green backs in my hand instead of all the nonsense of insurance stuff they would have to do and they may turn me down? I ALMOST said I have insurance but a $5000 deductible (which is true) so want to pay cash for the 1st visit – but didn’t. That was on Thursday and I have not heard back from her. GRRRRR. Too busy yesterday to follow-up so who knows. My GF says her DR is great at working “around insurance” with her and she swears he will work with me. I just need to get to his Asst and past the dingy receptionist.

Sun – I hope today is a brighter one for you. And we know you are being “moral” since you and hubby have poison ivy! HA! Sorry! – Couldn’t resist!

And Sun, yes, we spike, don’t we. I AM still charting daily, which currently is pissing me off big time, although the past 3 days have been much better. I just HATE it when I see those numbers when I am goofing up! But, they are good for me to see as they have a tendency to toss me back into line faster.

I even started noting my All-One and L-Glut and you know, I think it’s when I have a run of days that I slack on those that I tend to blow off control of my drinking more as well. Not sure, but I’m trying to be better at staying on top of that because I think there’s a correlation there. AND – I put a pound back on! HA!

Houtx – Oh Crap! He contacted you when you sent that email out??? Frippin A! They can be SUCH bastards! I WILL say that I DID get in a small jab when he said “You’re so skinny”. HA! HA! He has never been heavy but always conscious of a slight paunch he can get. So when he said that to me – I tapped his tummy and said “ Well, you don’t!” HA! HA! Actually he looked darling and his ice blue eyes were killing me - but I had to say something! Knowing him, he wet home that night and was checking out his stomach in the mirror. LOL Oh well .. yes, this too shall pass.
/>Your class sounds amazing and you sound so happy doing it! You rock GF! Kudos to you for the work you are doing for those kids …. Bless your little white cotton socks! =)

So no Topa Chica? I know you had no luck last round with it. I seem to be all over the board with it this time, although even with my recent “mess-ups” I am still tracking at an over 50% reduction in 13 ? weeks. I WAS down to about a 68% reduction – but then “life” hit. Glad you are staying with the L-Glut. Love the stuff too. The cap did nothing for me – so happy I learned about the powder here!

UGH on the latest Match debacle! Yikes! I dodge the “separated” guys. I’m too afraid of what may happen when it’s all too fresh for them. And what is a guy that has been separated only 3 weeks doing on Match??? Even the newly divorced I am leery of. Maybe just me ….

On an upbeat note – I have my landscaper flirting with me! HA! The funny part is, I can’t even remember what he looks like! I put out calls for bids to a number of companies to have some work done. One guy came out, measured, we talked a bit, I was also in the midst of handling 3 phone calls (yes - at home all mobile) so distracted a bit. He said he would email me a bid. Okey Dokie. Which he did. We went back and forth in email on details and pricing and how to attack the project and move on to the next “space” –I have 2 acres. And I finally had to write him and tell him I needed to put it all on hold until after Mothers Day because the shop was busy. Then the Charlie nightmare started. I finally contacted him about 10 ago …. Said let’s get going again.

Well, he was going to Napa on a project. Joked about hoping I made it through the holiday. Should he bring me back wine from Napa. We joked back and forth, about reds or whites. He told me he sent Mothers Day flowers from Pro Flowers to his Mother – I joked back that he knew one of the best florist in the country, was he nuts? And the next time he had an extra $20, send flowers to his wife and see how badly they show up. He wrote back right away to tell me he had to wife or GF. LOL Anyways, I know pretty much get an email every day from him asking how my day was. Trying to set something up for him to get back up here and set up a plan to work, etc. Yesterday he called me – what was my schedule for Sat or Sunday? Hummm? I told him to call me and let me know when he thought he might be available. Problem: I CAN NOT remember what he looks like! HA! But I am pretty sure he is YOUNG! Like maybe 35ish??? HA! I checked his website – no photos. Nothing on Facebook. It’s all just too funny but he is definitely flirting! Well, maybe I can get a discount on my landscaping????

OK – I have been typing forever between shop calls and now it is Charlie time and his first trip back to the doggie park! YEAH! He is doing FANTASTIC and other than a small lump that will eventually go down, he is perfect. Well, and his bad haircut that needs to grow back.

Hugs to all and those I missed ….

WTE

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi

Yes Seroquel is bad idea, have been sleeping way too much. But then again my life has been one big waking nightmare so I've been loving the sleeping bits. I promise to take stock again on Monday though and stop taking it except for on emergencies i.e. when I havent slept for two days in a row. My dad's still in ICU after almost a week and he's getting worse not better and my mom is also getting worse not better. I had to phone my older brother and convince my other brother who I live with to go pick up the (ass) sorry but he couldve come by now, he doesnt live that far away. Still really havent figured out things with BF.

I guess my life's just one huge mess and my dad may die and I don't know how to deal with it really. I don't really have a soft place to fall except for here and I don't know yet how to deal with life AL free...Its one big mess. My mom's so paranoid she's refusing to go visit my dad and my mood is so low I cant face it and... the poor guy is on a drip and still has a pipe in his nose as he is somehow managing to vomit up so much stuff. I know I have a lot of resentment against him but I wish he would get better, and I wish everyone would just get a little bit better.

:h

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Dizzy, I feel for you so much, I wish I could do or say something that would make eveything better for you. I am thinking of your poor dad in hospital and sending a prayer for him to recover, and also for your mum to brighten up if only to give you a break, I am so thankful you have your brother living with you and are not alone in this. The only thing you can really do about your dad is wait and hope, and while you are doing that try to take care of yourself the best you can.

Yes when I first started taking serequel all I wanted to do was sleep, it does wear off after a while but still make me need a lot of sleep of a night, strangely tho it seemed to stop me sleeping of a day for a while as well. But as you say seep can be so welcome to you and is a damn site better than getting wasted as a way to get a break.

I want to send you a big big :l

I will try and catch up with everyone else later, I have started cutting the dresses so need to get that finished tonight.

xx

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space: Thank you Space. Still thinking on it, but will consider what you have said. You've made some valuable points! Hope you have a good day!

Play: Hope you landed safe & are home with your loved ones. Wanted you to know your post about the mirrors gave me a good chuckle. Of course not at you, just the way you wrote it. But, then I sometimes tend to have a weird sense of humor.

Houtx: I think you made a wise choice in not pursuing a newly divorced man, esp one that is that of a co-worker. Glad those kids bring you pleasure. Your job is rewarding! What do you teach during the regular school year? I thought maybe you were a PE teacher. PAWS= Post Acute Withdrawals

Sunny: You poor sweet dear, get some much needed rest if you can with all that poison oak & hubbs has the poison ivy. So very happy your long draining yesterday is over. Please rest & treat yourself to something that will bring you healing & just an easy day!...

WTE: I spoke out to soon should have kept my mouth shut. Now please don't take it down a notch in the man hunting business. The RV story had me busting in laughter at the end! I really do admire you as a strong independent woman. Wished I was more like you! I've raised my two girls to be like you!.

Look you aren't asking for too much! I hope the universe lines up for you & that your dreams & wishes will be fulfilled. Who knows maybe this 35 yrs old maybe the one. It's kinda like fishing you never know where there hiding. It's kinda fun this way. I think you many need a younger man to keep up with your adventurous spirit.

Don't give up on the under cover Dr. office visit! Assistant may have been busy. Be persistent ~ call back. Explain your deductible, why you want to pay cash. Cash speaks even to Dr's. Your smart, you know how to work it! If all else fails get your GF to get more involved, since she already has a relationship established with the Dr.

Have fun today with Sir Charles. Glad he's back to his young self again



Dizzy: Oh Dear Sweet Lady, This is all so very, very difficult to deal with! So many things happening all at once & for that I am truly sorry! I understand that you don't know how to deal with your painful & overwhelming emotions without the numbing effects that alcohol will temporarily provide.

Being AF provides us an opportunity to deal with these painful emotions that we've stuffed & numbed away for too long. This is the healthy way to live life! This is the way life is suppose to be lived! It's normal to feel pain & be very overwhelmed during these stressful times in our lives. It's OK to cry, be sad, be angry, be confused, to feel everything & anything. Give yourself permission to be human. To be strong enough to be just that, a human who hurts, who feels incredible pain. In your sorrow, in your smallness, turn to your higher power, cry out to him Dizzy. He's there waiting, he's right there next to you. Be still & listen.... He created all emotions & understands all of your pain!

Pray for healing, for strength. Courage is faith that has said it's prayers. Faith is courage to carry on!.... Pray for Gods will. If it's his will to call your Dad home then it's out of your power & control. But, it may not be. Rest in his arms & ride on his wings. His spirit is close to those who are hurting!

Please call a friend to be with you. Please don't drink & mix pills!.... This is can be deadly cocktail!.....

I have calls to make & will be outside planting today. I will check in later. I will pray..... I have faith enough for you, if you can't find yours right now. I may need to borrow yours one day!.... I love you H!.... I feel your sadness, I have tears now!.... Us alkies are a sensitive bunch. God knows this & loves us just the way we are...... He may even grant us a tiny bit more leeway.

Tho it's winter there, may something in nature surprise you...... Hug your dog, your kitty. Lean on your one brother..... Try not to hide from life, beautiful one. Remember, it's OK to be sad. Someday, that sadness will turn into joy! I've learned that happiness & joy are different. :l:l:l

Love, :h

Wildflowers

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all - testing again!

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Ok we'll see...I have just come home from a fun afternoon with my new book club that consists of mostly Black ladies!! OMG - I have never laughed so hard!! I love my Af/Am colleagues at school for the same thing. We white ppl just don't have as much fun - I'm sorry, but it's true!! Black ppl have more fun in church, on the dance floor, and tell it like it is. Seriously. I LOVE me some color!! Anyway, our topic was the "50 Shades of Grey" series, which I think is incredibly stupid, but I'm caught up in it. Almost finished w/ the last book, thank GAWD~~~~~and we talked about it for about 15 minutes tops. Otherwise we howled at the dating world & aw dat!! Soooooo much fun!! I got involved w/ this group thru my new golfing buddy, who happens to be Black, is incredibly attractive and is like a guy magnet...fun stuff!

So I've had correspondence w/ my last week's date's wife...turns out I used to work w/ her!! We emailed a few times in the last few days... and it was kinda weird in a coincidental sort-of way!! In that he did not push my buttons...it's no big deal. Interesting her side of their life & separation!!

UGH - anyway...I am pooped! But lots of talk about hooking up & dating! My friend and golfing partner who got me into this group is really attractive. Black chick, beautiful, in her late 40s, HUGE boobs, jut butt, proportionate...and is a guy magnet!! Our waiter had no other eyes but for her & he was a stud too!! They exchanged info & we shall see...She's probably got the upper hand in the education dept., but everyone else was egging her on just to hook up for the fun...!! :-)) We shall see!!

Hope all else is well w/ all of you!!

[WaitingToExhale]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Wait - Shes; logged off Gonna los her post again.. Houtx log in HA!

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all
My dad is a bit better, he is out of ICU. Will spend fathers day with the family. Talk to you later if I can otherwise tomorrow morning early. Not sure if Fathers Day is international but if it is, happy fathers day to all.
:h

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Im glad your dad is out of ICU and also that you can spend Farthers Day with him xx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Space and good morning. Hope the dress cutting went well for you - I don't envy you in the slightest!!

Diz - happy your dad is out of ICU HAPPY FATHERS DAY. What a gift for you! Will come back and catch up later everyone......

Hugs, Sun X

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone, the first thing that comes to mind right now for me is Im so glad to be sober. I dont know why that came into my mind but I was just know I couldnt stand the misery, effort and illness and exhaustion that came with my heavy drinking days. I have just popped 1/2 an antabuse while I feel like this because it problably wont last.I have a busy day today, I am all spent up so have to go to Asda and return some stuff I bought last week so I can buy flowers to go and put on my dads grave. Then Im off to my mums and also have to go and do my aunties hair. This is not the auntie who lost her husband last week but the one who lost her husband a few weeks ago. She is my mums cousin and lives in the same block of retirement flats as my mum, she has always been a pretty heavy drinker but since her husband died she has really started drinking heavy, on Friday night she somehow cut all the back of her head and didnt say anything about it, got up the next day and went shopping, it was only later in the day when my daughter noticed the big pool of dried blood over her carpet and asked her about it she said she had fell. Well her hair was matted with the dried blood which my mum had to wash out and now today I have to go and try and do something with her hair! What I cant believe is she just got up and went shopping with blood all over the back of her head!

I have also gone and told the other aunite (lost husband last week) I will pop in and see her. Luckily they all live quite close to each other, but not to me, I know I shouldnt have arrange the other aunties visit for today because that is one thing too much but I do seem to have a habit of doing these stupid things.

Other things that I used to think were a possitive but now not so are .. when I was younger I worked as a sewing machinist for 3 years, usefull eh, then when I got fed up with that I trained as a hairdresser another good thing... not... had I know I was setting myself up for a lifetime of clothing alterations, repairs and now bridesmaid dresses, and family emergency hair do's I dont know if I would have been so keen actually I am glad to be able to help just wish I planned to help a little less, at least not do it all on a Sunday.

I am back taking my L glut and again think its working, I need to take a heaped spoon twice a day tho but since its so easy to take its just remembering thats the hard part. I should really try to take it as soon as I get up I think but never do. I have also upped the amount of Gabapentin I am taking and I do think its making a big difference. I get 900mg on my script off the doc but have started taking 1200mg, I have some already that I had bought on line so should have been able to make up the difference but cant find them so that will be the first thing I have to buy when I get paid on Wednesday.

I am still not entirely happy about taking the Serequel, dont know as I need them the psychiatrist gave me then for bipolar to stop the spikes, but as the spikes are not the things that cause me distress its the depression I dont know if its the right med, I will talk to her about it next week when I eventually see her, all I do know is that over these past couple of months just being in bad is one of the longest times I have been out of action due to depression ever. It hasnt been the worst time as I have not been in a real bad way as I have in the past tho, but then I think maybe in the past it could also have been the drinking that made me such a mess when I got depressed. This time I havent been drinking heavily even when I did drink.

Glad your having a good time Houxt. I havent done anything regarding Match.com, I had a quick look at my profile and it is all totally wrong, even my birth year! I was probably pissed when I did it so I do need to start it from scratch so it will have to wait until Ive got the time.

Got to go and get all this visiting, cooking, hairdressing and everything else done

Love Space x

[SKendall]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi, I just wanted to weigh in on something. SEROQUEL is in the psychotropic drug family. ASTRO ZENECA who is the manuacturer of seroquel was fined $850,000,000 last year for allowing it to be used as a sleeping medication. You probably didn't see that news because it was buried in business news and not daily news. The fine was minimally effective for getting the warning out there.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all - really quick fly by as I am off to bed - I had an e-mail from Play - she arrived safely and said to say Hi - she can read but can't post - I can't quite understand why - something to do with her lap top vs her pad - and password or something. Anyway - she is fine....

Hope you all are too - really quiet here today - I have been pottering in the garden and cleaning indoors - with poison oak, didn't do much outside - the heat makes it itch!! But I did clean today.....

Off to bed - love and hugs to you all,

Sun XX

[Wildflowers]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I've been working on & off this post for 3-4 hrs. It's been sitting on hold. Was a lovely busy Father's Day

Have been reading the Long Term Thread. I may post my thoughts on Tues when I have more free time. As you regulars know, I'm not short on words & I like to think about things, usually. I am a good alkie ya know, hahaha. I must find a way to not talk & over think so much. I know the hubs would be smiling now, or is that smirking? Now picture me lmao or giving him that look to shut up. hahaha... We joke a lot in our house. A lot more when I am sober!...... :H

I may say some things ya all might not agree on, or may piss ya off, but it has nothing to do with how much I like any of you ladies. Fact is you've all grown on me. Made me feel at home. Even more like it's real. Think that may make Play happy. By the way she is the 1st person I told my first real name too in our PM, b4 she left. I really do have trust issues, insecurities & am paranoid. But, I'm making progress. I think it's cause we do share some very deep personal things here.

I look at recovery forums from too different angles. I come mainly from a 12 step back ground. Tho I certainly don't agree with all of it or the people. The program has two parts. The steps which is really the guts of recovery. Which really imo is the part that brings about the change in stinkin thinkin & whole lot more, it's the guts of recovery. Then there's the fellowship part which is the bonus part. Well depends on who you ask.

I agree to parts of what Kate wrote. She was the one who asked the ? One of the reasons I wanted to leave this board is cause no body here really seems like they want to be sober or AF. It seems more like its all social. Or a place to share problems & laughs. Which is great!.... But, I also need something more. I'm not engaged in recovery discussions here. Nor do I see much going on at MWO. I'm hungry for it, I miss it & I want it.

I was a lurker here for a long time while I belonged to another forum. I do understand that things change, they did at the forum I was at once to. Change is inevitable. But, I have begun searching & reading at other places. Haven't joined yet. Probably cause, my heart is now fond of this place & people here. Plus there are a few places here if I do search I find recovery posts taking place.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I need to spend less time being social & more time focusing on recovery topics. Trying to find others who want to be AF or have achieved that. At least until I have more sobriety. I have a serious drinking problem. I can't deny this! I really am the real deal. A full blown alkie. I need to put me first. So I have to buckle my ass down & get serious, even if that means at some point I have to go back to AA. Tho I don't want to. May try WFS first. I just know I need something more then what I'm getting here off this board. Please try to understand it's not any of your faults, it's what I need to help my sobriety!

I also don't like Cliques, yet a part of life & it happens everywhere. I've been a part of them too. Tho I tend to be a loner.( Not Good For Alkies) I feel a bit guilty as I may have ignored people that have posted on this board, cause I've become to involved in peoples personal problems, including my own. I can only take on so much. I honestly don't know what to do about this? Other then tag teaming. Tho I think we've said hello & asked them to tell more about them selves. I know I've been tired & felt behind in responses & just say brief hellos to new people. Or if somebody says something nice about what I wrote I don't respond cause I feel sorta embarrassed, it's not that I'm ignoring them in that case.

This is what I think happened on the Journey thread Sunny. Every month at the beginning it read how welcoming the first page was & then somebody ( can't remember who) said hi to a newbie & told them were a close bunch here & ignored them. Perhaps, that had been going on for some time & some others saw it & were mad or disgusted or not happy. Now I don't agree at all how it was handled & what was said. You know it, they know it. It could have been handled very differently!..... Too bad more people don't do the 12 steps. It's not just for alkies & addicts either. The world would be a better place, imo & apparently many Companies think so too. The funny thing is this place often reminds me of a giant AA meeting.

Sunny I sometimes see the same thing is starting to happen here, imo or could. Or am I wrong? I think that's why I spoke up about I didn't like the word Club being used here. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, I do worry about others feelings being left out & not feeling worthy & such. When I don't respond to a regular here someone has said something, or hinted at it. This is why I said something in a recent post about continual obligations. I have to make judgement calls who's problems are worse then others.

I think I need to take a Holiday Break. My youngest will be home Friday with the BF. I haven't seen her in 6 months. I'm going to have a cry fest. She's my Baby Bear. I've missed her so much! Were very close!... Course I'm very close to my other girl too. I'm very blessed, cause they've forgiven much. Our whole fam has! Maybe someday I will post my story, maybe it will help some poor struggling alkie. Plus were moving the oldest one Sat. After that I'm going to have a good rest, then maybe rest up enuf for some good sex. hahaha..... I've been saving some Viagra samples for months now. I just couldn't resist being a bad girl!....

Thank you Sunny for letting us know Play landed safe. She may need to call her ISP to re-set her password. Just like for your cell when u travel. Needs to be done usually b4 u leave home, they give u a code to enter at home airport, then another one when u land. Maybe somebody else here knows?


Dizzy: Such wonderful news for you & your family! Can't think of a better Fathers Day Gift then this!.... :l

Sunny: Hope you got some rest & didn't have to cook a feast for the hubbs & fam today! Take good care of you! Hope you will continue to think about the pros & cons of sobriety. I know it's very hard! I have days that I just want to beat my head against the wall. But, many good happy days too!

Hout: Glad your enjoying yourself with new friends. Wondering if you plan to give sobriety a chance? Topa is just one tool in the tool box. I've found it only works well if you don't over drink on it. From what I'm reading here, if you continue to drink, it appears to not work near as well. So what are your plans in regards to sobriety?

Space:

Hi everyone, the first thing that comes to mind right now for me is Im so glad to be sober. I dont know why that came into my mind but I was just know I couldnt stand the misery, effort and illness and exhaustion that came with my heavy drinking days. I have just popped 1/2 an antabuse while I feel like this because it problably wont last.

I'm so happy that you feel glad, that your sober!.... That you can't stand the misery, illness & exhaustion that comes from heavy drinking. Oh girl, I do know this so well!!!., it's exactly how I feel! Every time I'm having one of those fecking days that I feel like my head is going to explode, like the other day, I remind myself of how miserable drinking makes me feel!..... How much better I feel over all being sober!!!!..... You just have to string together a little time to realize & believe it. Yet, there will be days where the She Devil She~ Demon, whispers. Yes, I've given it a name.

Please do everything you can to think positive that it can & will last! That even when you have shit days you can get thru it! Like I did, like many others have! Come here & rant & rave. Scream, cry, ask for help. Take you AB. Eat chocolate or anything you want! Please do anything besides picking up that fecking poison! It's going to kill us!..... I decided my anxiety, depression, anger all my emotions won't kill me, but alcohol will!... Now when I'm having a shit day ~ head exploding day, one where it may actually feel like it's really happening, I know it's a damn lie. It's the She Devil trying to fuck with my head. Of course it's a whole lot more, but naming it has helped.

I never would have been able to drive 30 miles in April for five days in a row to the hospital to see my Mom, nor take her home, take her to all her Dr, appts, help my 1st born with all this moving stuff, make nice b-day dinners & the list go's on..... Just like you, look at all your accomplishing today, let alone what's coming down the pike with your daughters wedding. With sobriety we can be living in the present & living life. Being productive, giving to others. The future holds greater possibilities with an AF life. No it's not easy all the time & some days it's so fecking hard.

I know sobriety is better then living in active alcoholism! I've lived both! If I were to drink the whole damn thing would start all over again. It turns that switch back on in the brain, it wakes the dragon causing those awful cravings. Some physical & some mental. I still have them now some days, but after drinking it awakens them like a She Devil!... It's so hard to stop again!..... I do understand self medicating using alcohol for depression & anxiety, but in the end it actually makes it worse!. I mean alcohol is a depressant drug. I know you probably know all of this Space, cause your smart & talented too!

When I first came here I started reading your story & it made me sad, so I stopped cause I was already sad. Now with the Topa & sobriety most of my sadness has lifted, still have anxiety, which has always been major for me, but then I have Graves disease too. But, I'm managing it day by day.

I'm glad your having some happier days, some sober days & your out doing things. Hope you didn't over do it. Don't forget to take care of you. When I get my 30 days or shortly after as the big move will be this coming Sat, I'm treating myself to a 1 1/2 massage ( it's been 3 yrs ). I never rewarded myself last sober period of 55 days, so throwing in a pedi maybe a mani too. I figure with the $ I saved on booze it's being spent on me.

I just started reading your thread again & have noticed a difference. I do wonder about that Serquel. I've known a few woman who took it & it did a bad # on them. But, I'm not a Dr!.... It can be hard to tease all this apart sometimes. I do think symptoms that are more on the depressive side don't respond as well to psychotropic drugs.

I remember you saying you turn 50 in July. Mine is July 18th. What day is yours, if your OK with sharing?

SKendall: Thanks for sharing that info. I'm glad they were! It's a potent drug & there are other drugs imo that are better suited as a sleep aid. Not that there aren't great off label drugs. Huh, were all taking one. Like your flower


Take Care,

Wildflowers :h