New here and starting Topa and with a question

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Wow Space, :goodjob: just hang in there, Im sure it is the Topa making itself known and now is the time to just let yourself listen to it, and Space, make sure that you have enough so you don't run out before reordering it, just reorder in advance, I know it seems like it must be your imagination but it is REAL:h.

WTE, thanks so much for posting, I was getting really concerned about you. But I really do understand how overwhelmed and tired you must be right now with everything having piled up and just starting to try to start catching up but not feeling good yet, take your time, we aren't going anywhere:h.

Sun, where are you? Did I miss your post? Kradle I'm working on your CDs and WTE yours as well, will be next week sometime before I get them posted.

So, nothing really new here, my daughter just came by for a quick chat and told me they are worried about me, they are afraid I am depressed and need to go to therapy, find some friends and join some clubs:H, no kidding, and I suppose it's all true, they are just concerned about me, but what good would therapy do, I told them I am finding friends and I have joined a club, MWO, but I am still depressed so far

on the bright I just found out that I can now apply for Cal Cobra, an extension of my Cobra health care benefits for another 18 months. It will be the same coverage and as long as I can keep paying $649 a month I will have my health insurance, I'm going to try to do it because I've been kind of fearful lately about being without coverage at my age. So I will see how it goes.

Ok, going to go eat some carrot cake, that should cheer me up.

Love you all,
Play

[NoraC]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone.....I'm really sorry that I haven't been able to keep up with you all here. I have been so busy. I think that is a good thing for me though. I have signed up for a Zumba like class twice a week. Still reading & crocheting. I am starting my 3rd week on Topa. Just getting ready to move up to 25 mg morning and 50 mg afternoon. I could sure tell that I took my afternoon dose late today so I think it is working for me.

I haven't had a chance to read back yet. It does seem like some are really sad & suffering/depressed now. I'm really sorry. Sending big hugs & good thoughts to all. I am going to try to make this my nightly stop now to keep up on everyone. I feel very comfortable here. Such caring people. :l:h

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Are you ok Play, I didnt know youd been depressed, what can we do to help, we will be meeting soon, and after that I can come to Spain to see you when you want, and also you could come here from Spain. But in the meantime what can we do to help you. I have heard all the join clubs,meet poeple advice for depression but I think it is too deep for that, of course people can help you but I know for me when it hits me nothing and no one will budge it, although people can be a good diversion form it.

I am also gobsmacked at the cost of healthcare, I dont know why but I was under the impression that your healthcare cost around $20 a month and then you got fantastic care, I cant believe how much it costs, I never realised how fortunate I am before talking to peeps from over there that we have NHS and have always critisesed it before, but I will think twice now.

Lovely to hear from you Nora and yes please start posting more often, you are a week ahead of me then with the topa, I start my second week tomorrow, change over day for me being Monday, I am impatient tho and wanting to do it today but remembering Sun's words about not rushing topa because it doesnt work so I am waiting.

I am feeling good again today, not sure if I finished that one can I opened last night or not, cant remember if I threw it away or drank it but it doenst matter either way, I know I didnt open another one !!!! I am amazed by whats happening with topa but at the same time worried that I am just dreaming this all up, or that the bubble will burst and I will fall flat on my face again. Today I am going to work out properly how much I have got to last using the schedule in the book, how will I know when I have gone high enough? I am confused about that, because some people have said they need 300mg and others only 50mg so how do I tell how much I need, I know I need more than I am on now because I am thinking of a drink just now and could quite easily open a can, whether I would manage to drink it all or not is another matter, and Im not going to anyway, I am trying to keep to my no daytime drinking rule for the time being to let the topa work, but I dont feel totally comfortable about the drink yet and dont think 25mg is enough so will be going up tomorrow.

The anxiety is still there but I have gone down to 2x5mg bac, I will be on it forever otherwise, and trying not to take more than one valium a day, I take that of a daytime, actaully thinking about it I think thats whats making me really want a drink right now, because I can feel the anxiety raising inside me Im glad Im on lager as thats pretty crap for dealing with it anyway, because of the topa it doesnt taste good, and it takes too long and I would have to drink too much of it to get any kind of relieve really so I know its not actually worth the bother, vodka, or even wine would be a different thing all together tho, thats why Im not drinking them.

NEWS FLASH I have been cleaning my house, I dont know whether this is the topa or the resiradol or a combination of the two but I have started doing bits of cleaning and sorting, I havent done this in years, (dont get me wrong here, my house has been getting cleaned, but not properly or with any of me wanting it done, and I have also paid my daughter and her hubby to do it about once a month or so.

My daughter has just skyped me so I will go now and come back later

Have a good day everyone xx

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi, running off to work, thanks space, will write later, and yes I hadn't thought of visiting you as well when I am in Spain but yes we can visit on a regular basis, it will be nice. More later to everyone.
Love,
Play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone......

WTe - so good to see you here and know you are okay - well sort of okay anyway. you have been through SO much this past few weeks. I so hope the docs manage to get to the bottom of your weight loss. I think the Topa may have exacerbated it but I do not think that this is the topa. Quite frankly I am very worried about you and so wish I lived a whole lot nearer to you. When are you to see the Dr next? What are his thoughts on it all? Lorry loads of love and hugs to you and healing prayers too...... :l:h

Hey there Play - no, you didn't miss my post - I posted yesterday morning before i went to work and then after work went to my daughters who had a list of things for me to do for her - LOL - like fix her hoover, clip the cats claws, etc..... I did take her hoover apart - the belt had broken - so I showed her how to change the belt, it is much easier woth TWO people to clip the two cats claws - she holds them and I clip them !! the other things on her list we did - then I noticed that one of her cats had worms - she absolutely freaked out !!!!!!!! Anyway she has an appt at the vets to get it sorted - poor love, keeps going on about what a bad mum she is. She was SO happy I had gone over and noticed !! So, after rambling for ages - sorry - I came home eventually and watched some "Leverage" episodes and ended up going to bed without coming back. i also switched off my phone. I was in an anti-social mood - LOL.

Play - sorry about your daughter going on at you about the joining of things etc., she does NOT understand. I so do.....as I said to WTE, it is such a shame that we don't live closer!! That is so great about your insurance though - yes, it is really expensive but it is worrying when you don't have it.

Talking of carrot cake, I have a wonderful recipe for carrot cake and was sorting out my freezer and found a half of one that I had frozen so have been having a slice of that for the past few days - yummy !!

Hi Space - it is so good to see you posting so often these days! I had to smile at you saying how gobsmacked you were about the price of health care here. It is SO expensive. people in UK do not know how well off they are - they really don't. I know everyone complains about the NHS but they really don't know how good they have it. My one night in hospital when I had that so-called mini stroke cost my insurance company nearly $17,000. I have really good insurance - which I pay for - but if I hadn't have had insurance that is the bill I would have been looking at!!! I still had to pay some of it but only a fraction.

As for knowing when you have gone high enough on the Topa, you will know..... the feeling of wanting a drink just won't be there - well, your mind might still want a drink, but even if you pour it, your body won't want it. seeing as you sound as if you might almost be there, that is awesome. I SO wish I could be there on such a low dose..... I do think the anxiety might be 'cos of the Bac - keep going down on it really slowly - that does cause a LOT of anxiety when you are coming off it from what I have heard - and I am SO happy that you are coming off it. REALLY HAPPY. It might take a little while but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief for you.

Okay - I asked Play if she would come and clean my house - and she didn't say anything - so will you come and clean my house? WILL ANYONE COME AND CLEAN MY HOUSE PLEASE?????? I know what you mean about keeping it clean but then cleaning it properly. I need a visitor to come then I will clean it properly - LOL.

Hi Nora - lovely to see you here - wish you would post more often - go you on the zumba class - I have a friend that does it and she LOVES it. if you are having SE's from the Topa, then stay on the dose you are on for another week and see how you feel - okay? You can never rush Topa - it is better to go slowly. Oh - and I wasn't really depressed. i was just feeling disgruntled. LOL I just need a kick up the rear and need to get my ducks in a row.

Wu - I am sorry you are going through so much - you do not sound happy at all. The thing is, there isn't a lot that you can do for your family - you cannot live others lives for them. And you know how hard it is to change anything about yourself - so there is no way you can ever hope to change others.

I am a firm believer in making lists. LOL - I make lists of my lists!! SO - try making lists of the things that you need to do - and sort them one by one. Get your daughters paperwork sorted - that must be a priority. Get your health sorted - priority #2. If you have some sort of plan, then that should help with the drinking. I find that when I am wandering aimlessly it is when I drink more. Make a list.....

Oh My Gosh. Heard a strange noise from the other room and went in there - I had stripped the bed, and the duvets and some of the pillows were on the floor - and katie has DESTROYED one of the pillows !!!! Little monkey - She thinks it is a big joke! I yelled at her and even though she is deaf, Daisy came sidling up to me thinking SHE had done something wrong - Oh dear!!!! Have to remember Katie is still a puppy.......

Gosh well, I seem to have rambled on enough. I am going to go and make some Garbanzo bean(chickpea) mini patties. They look really yummy. Then I am going to make some cranberry white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies - YUM !!!

back later everyone - love and hugs to all,

love, Sun XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Very quick goodnight post, just want to tell you all my lastest news, today I have compleated my first week of both topa and supps, and also told my mum what Im doing, not that she understands about the meds but I told her how it works and showed her the book and that I have the occasional! lager and she was ok with it.

Love space xx

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Space, thanks for asking about me and how to help, and I guess just that you understand and all of you are here, I really don't know what I would be doing without you, going round the bend I suppose. Yes, I have been really depressed for about since I came back from Spain this time, missing having a family to belong to, going places by myself and eating by myself for too long, working too much again and seeing too many people sick, in pain, and die, seeing elderly people become demented and not die soon enough, thinking about myself becoming demented and not wanting to live that way, thinking of growing old alone with no money, lots of cheerful thoughts I know, and I know we can't worry too much about the future but sometimes it feels like it is approaching at a blazing speed especially when I see it every day at work, except the people I work with have a ton of money and it is still awful, enough to make me depressed I suppose, so thanks for being here, all the therapy and clubs in the world won't help, but you my friends do help, thank you, I do look forward to having you all to come home to

Space regarding knowing when you have enough Topa, well like Sun said, You will know, and I would just add, just take the smallest amount that will enable you to overcome the cravings with a bit of your own effort even if you have a beer even every night or so. I think it is important to stay as low as possible in order to save the ability to go a little higher if the time comes when you feel that the craving might e creeping up a little bit, that way you have not used up your higher doses all at the first. So if it is fairly easy to cut out most of the drinking on 25/25 then stick with it, or 25/50 or whatever, and only go up if you think the craving is still pretty strong. And Space part of yours might still be he anxiety from th Bac withdrawal, and also remember when you get done with Bac then you will need to quit the Valium, gee a never ending circle isn't it, and Valium can be difficult if you ake it for to long, so don't draw that out too long either. Now Tpa is te thing that is not difficult at all, maybe you feel a bit cross for a few days but that is all, Yay.

Ok, going for now, see you tomorrow, and NO, Sun, I will not come clean your house, lol,
Play

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Gosh, I think winter is here and we still have to figure out how the thermostat works. Went to this German supermarket Lidl on Saturday and nearly bought half the place. Well, I just love their food and they already had Gluwein in stock that really came in handy last night when I was feeling a bit delicate after speaking to my family.

Made pork knuckle with roast potato and sweet mustard and bf made a Bavarian ?farmers breakfast?. Oh, this was all to celebrate Oktoberfest that started on Thursday. Bf is a big fan of Germany after he has lived there for so long and I have German ancestry so it kept us entertained while the rainy weather started creeping over Windsor.

Nice to see you again Rainy, thanks for sharing your post.

Space, I think your energy i.e. impulses to clean, sort out the tree and buy healthy food sounds a lot like when I first tried Topa. The anxiety on the other hand could also be related so please don?t go to fast. The anxiety or at least mine came from not being used to having so much energy and it will pass with time, it helps to stay busy and like I said take it earlier in the day and take it slow if sleep is a problem at all.

Thats great news about you being honest with your mom, your mood must really be on the up and up if you felt the courage to do that. Well done! What I do on Topa is this, as long as it keeps my cravings at bay and it makes me forget about my drinks i.e. you find half empty drinks the next night, pretty much like you are now, I keep it on that level, then after a couple of months I usually start noticing that my body have adjusted to that level and I go up but only by a quarter of a 25mg pill.

Wu, I did think last time that your Topa dose was a bit high but as far as I?m aware you were working with your doctor? You kept mentioning racing thoughts and I was worried for you but I actively try not to give medical advice if someone?s A working with a doctor and B not asking for it. It is however my opinion that although Topa does work very well for you, that you should be very careful with the dosages. 200mg may be too high for you. I?ve never been above 75mg myself as it makes me manic but I think over time I will as my body grows used to it. There?s a very thin line between Topa giving me energy and making me feel well and Topa making me anxious, giving me racing thoughts and keeping me from sleeping (sound familiar?)

I guess I?m also a bit confused as the others are here as to why you are choosing to stay in the US. Your daughter is still young and surely you can get a playschool for her in Swiss? Have you thought of what you are going to do once she reaches primary school age? It?s obviously your decision, is it only to deal with paperwork, or is there something else as well? I'm not sure I'd get too involved in your family's matters if I was you. Its just that I know how it is to be bipolar with a drinking problem and far from home. Well not home but your husband and it doesn't seem like you have someone 'solid' there to help prop you up should you need it. Add to that the hormonal and other health issues, then it just makes me concerned that you cannot fight your sisters battles as well.

You are your responsibility, as your your daughter and your husband, getting better and getting a handle on booze. Your sister has this same battle, albeit worse, but you cannot fight hers for her, I don't think professional rehabilitation people would recommend going close to that situation unless you had 6 months sober under your belt. Its simply going to upset you too much right now.

Sun, thanks I did get some good night?s of sleep. Did laugh at you quoting my old pity party quote. What happened to your pact with BOB? Are you simply not feeling ready at the moment? I find it really difficult mentally to start and the first week really difficult to get the AL crap out of my body but after that its actually not that difficult except for the fact that I get bored at the times that I would?ve normally had a drink. On the other hand there is a sense of accomplishment and victory over the ?beast? when you do get it right.

Your hubbies retirement must be a stressor for you AND for him. I hope it can bring the two of you closer together but I know its going to be a tough adjustment. If I was you I?d be thinking of ways to keep him busy

Hi Play, yes I will be home for Christmas and I?m not even sure if they?ll renew my visa, so everything?s a bit unsure at the moment. No wonder I?m a bit stressed out and not coping too well. I?m a bit of a home body and a creature of habit so this falling around and all the changes are not great for my ever changing mood.

I understand about your reasons of not wanting to cut down only too well. I do think you are a strong and caring person though and that you are doing very well and that you should not be too tough on yourself. You really are a nurturing influence on this thread and I just wanted to acknowledge it and thank you for it. People help for depression but sometimes you first need to sort out the first level before you really feel like going out and mingling, and people without depression will never get this. Are you happy with the meds you are taking? Oh, and your carrot cake sounds lovely!

Dear WTE, I think its normal to feel as you do after surgery, well I did after mine for a couple of weeks, so please hang in there and don?t try to force yourself to ?get back on the horse? too quickly while your body is still healing. I?m worried about the fact that you are still losing weight. Are you drinking Ensure or All-One? If I was you I?d force myself to have two of those a day just for the basic calories and vitamins and then eat whatever else I could muster. Work if you can but your biggest priority right now is to GET BETTER first and overdoing it will prolong the healing process.

I never knew healthcare in the US was so expensive. The NHS is already expensive if you work in the UK but as they take it from your wages and you don?t have a choice, you don?t notice it as much, but as I come from a third world country, I must say I?m surprised the US don?t have a better system in place and the fact that mentioning alcohol issues is a permanent black mark really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Hey Nora, sorry you are feeling down but glad that Topa seems to be working for you! Hope to see more of you here in future.

I?m feeling a bit better and there?s a lot of chores to do after a lazy weekend so I better get started.

Lots of love and hugs to everyone.

:h

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I think winter is here as well Dizzy although really its only autumn!

Ive had a strange day today, got up to get my son off to school but then because it was so cold I took my coffee back up to bed to have while reading my MWO book which I found yesterday when I had my Lucky You moment, and the next thing I knew my mum was ringing the door bell at 3.15 this afternoon, she was a bit worried because I had said I was going down there and in the past when I have dissapeared all day without saying what Im doing Ive been drunk so anyway the real reason she came down was she needed me to sign something not just to check I was sober, so that was ok. But I was just puzzled at what happened to the day, it wasnt like when I have spent the day in bed due to depression, I think after all the activity of the past few days and cleaning my house my body must have been tired and needed the sleep. But then, after a little while I started wanting a drink, and that worries me a bit, also I may have read wrong but I seems Roberta and Maria(?) seemed to have stopped wanting to drink too much and at the wrong time from the start, but then you lot, my real life friends didnt so I will go most buy what you tell me. So I got a cup of tea and had some L glut and now its not so bad but Im still looking forward to allowing myself that can.

I hope everyone is ok, WTE you are healing and taking it easy, it will just take time and theirs nothing you can do about that, its just one of those things you have to accept. Play, I am feeling for you so much, I know how horrible depression is and am sending a huge hug across the ocean to you, it wont be too long now before we meet, that will be wonderful, try to imagine us a the flamenco show Im sorry Sun, I dont know what your up to, how can I not know, is it because you look after everyone else so much, I hope you are ok after last week, what is the weather like there? it is bloody miserable here, cold and wet and windy, oh and dull as well. XOX Nora, Wu, Houxt I hope you all pop in soon to tell us how you are, and anyone else who I havent mentioned.

xx

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Its cleared up a little here Space but I've kind of not noticed that we have had a really long run of sunshine here. Big mistake to have a South African mentality in the UK and spend most of Summer indoors.

I had a bit of a rollercoaster ride the first month I took Topa and yours seems a bit similar to mine. I think Roberta's reaction to it was very extreme and then we also don't really know any follow up details, or at least I don't. I had an immediate craving curbing, which is better than most, and I think you're the same. Also, although it mostly gave me energy, it did give me quite extreme energy dips, usually between 5-8pm but then I took it when I wokeup, so I guess that will make a difference. I would say it sounds like its making a positive difference in your life, so don't sweat it if you need the occasional nap.

I finally had some more energy today to do some cleaning and sorting and stuff I've been delaying for ages, its such a relief! My ear infection isn't 100% and I know half my battle is depression but every good day makes a huge difference.

:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Im glad your starting to feel a bit better Dizzy, it can take so long to heal, especially when we have depression everything just seems so much worse.

I have just realised that I havent taken any bac today so that may be one reason for my totally strange day, I only realised because I drank the can of lager quickly which upset me and want another one, which upsets me more and am feeling pretty anxious and then it came to me, I have had niether any bac or valium, so I took a valium and will see how I am. I am hoping that I could be done with the bac since I have gone the day without any and got so low anyway, and then stop the valium within the next week, I mean half the dose for a few days then every other day then stop and I should be ok. I just dont want any damn wd anxiety interfering with my progress, but I dont want it dragging on forever, and play has a point, the longer I drag it out with the bac, the longer I am taking valium so the harder it will be then to stop that.

I am gettin the dopa effect tho, I went to the shop before and asked the girl for what I wanted so she put them on the counter and I then just stood there looking into space, eventually she said is there anything else and I kind of jumped back into where I was and asked how much but I could have stood there for I dont know how long without realising. Also typing is getting pretty difficult, I dont mean the usual spelling mistakes I make I mean when I go to type a word and just type the totally wrong letters. Nothing thats bothering me tho so its all ok on that score

One thing I dont get tho is the taking the two 25mg both together, that doesnt make sense to me, is that what everone else does or do you take one of a morning and one of dinner time, that would make more sense to me but in the book it says week two take two 25mg at the same time, ie I take mine around 5pm


Thanks for all the help and info, support and wonderful friendship

xxx

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I'll chat in the morning but 25mg in the morning and 25mg in the afternoon is the more 'done' route of what I'm doing i.e. 62.5mg all at once as soon as I wake up. I have to do all of mine at once in the morning, otherwise I can't sleep.

Play with yours, if it gives you energy or messes with sleep then you can also think of having one with breakfast and one with lunch or something like that. I kept a very journal the first month of what time I took it, what dose, at what times my energy spiked or slumped and on which nights I had trouble sleeping.

Its great chatting to you and I love having you as a friend as as part of this thread. :l

Now... :H where has everyone else gone off to?

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks for that Dizzy I thought it made more sense to split it, by the way did you get my pm?

Aww thanks its lovely having you back on the thread, Ivemissed you loads its been lovely today having you back posting, I dont know where everyone else is, I should think someone will be alone later tho but we will probably be alseep then tho so will read it in the morining, Im in bed now I was just checking before I go to sleep.

So goodnight xx

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Space and Dizz,
I had hoped to post so much here tonight about alot of things but I am finding myself just a bit too tired to think and write much tonight, but I am thinking of everyone and believe me, I have many thoughts that I want to talk about and so many of you that I want to talk to and thank for being here. I suppose I will have to hope that you will wait for me tomorrow evening, Space and Dizz, it will be another night and day before I talk to you, but Space, yes, I am so, so looking forward to our holiday, I think we are going to be the best of friends, I just have a feeling about that, Dizz, I wish you would be joining us, anyway, I will be posting at length tomorrow evening, lots to share,
love,
play

[wu1969]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone!

Where did everyone go? We miss you!

Its nice to see you posting again Space, and I appreciate all the comments, and advice with Topa. My daughter is at the moment in a special program for children that dont seem to be developing at the same rate as others. She may have a learning disability with regards to speech. They dont have such programs in Switzerland until children are in kindergarten. I did have a possible school for her, though it was extremely expensive. I just cant afford to send her to that kind of school. Entire families live on that kind of money. So I am here, living in my home just without my husband. We skype for an hour or two per day. There are times that i miss being over there, but the same always happens when i am there. This time i think i will buy some needed things for my home over there, so i will feel more at home. I am a cancer, and I dont really believe too much of the things they say about Astrology, but one things is certain in my case. Home is very important to me. I also really love the pool and jacuzzi, plus all the sunshine! I used to have to light candles in Switzerland during the winter to compensate for lack of sunshine, being from the desert. I guess you may understand that part! I think South Africa is also a sunny place!

I think i may be combating a little depression too, which really doesnt help matters. I have been closing myself in the house, and almost never getting out, except to go to the pool (in my condo complex) or going to buy cigs and wine, plus other daily essentials. I just feel lonely, or depressed, which is horrible, and knowing its just a chemical reaction in my brain doesnt help or keep me from drunk posting on here.

My family matters are quiet right now, which is a nice retreat. mum is not calling me crying, so much is better in that respect. My sisters BF is no longer around i guess, which helps matters. I dont know where I will end up living once my daughter is in school, as i do have so much that will transpire here. I have so many family obligations. There are family businesses that I have to take over as my parents dont want to anymore. Its enough for more than a fulltime job. I dont think I will have time to drink when that becomes the case. Oh, and with that, on my mothers side, i have to take care of my much younger brother and sister financially. Yes running back to Switzerland is at times a really nice thought. Just run away.... but i cant! These are things I told my husband long ago, when he could have made other choices, and he still can if he wants, but I will end up here in America. Honey buny knows all of this, since we were first together. Thats how i ended up typing this in the evening, alone on my computer, 5000 miles away from my husband.

Space... how are you? I hope you rise in the morning feeling great! You have begun to cut your tree? You amazing woman you! No wonder you ended up tired.. I cant even seem to do my laundry!

Where are you WTE, and Sun and Play!?! We miss you! Come back please and post?!?

Mush love and hugs to all of you! XXOO