New here and starting Topa and with a question

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Still not a proper reply - but am home and have slept for three hours. I was FREEZING when I got home which is how my body lets me know it is in a semi-shock state ! Wrapped up warmly and tucked under a blanket on the sofa - and feel SO much better!

Stuck - I have no idea how anyone would take valium as a recreational drug - it did such a number on me - I hated the feeling. I felt and so my daughter told me, looked like, a zombie !! It definitely took the edge off my dental appt though which was the reason for taking it. I feel more or less okay now.....

Space - I had a root canal - which is no biggie really but it is years since I have had anything done as my cleanings (every 6 months) are always good - so this was the first time I had had anything done. I am really sorry that you are feeling so down - you know my e-mail or we can Skype if you would like to? I am around..... please contact me and we can talk if you want to.

Back later everyone - thanks for everything,

hugs, sun XXX

[bugpieper]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

hi everyone, so i am increasing topa tomorrow to 100mg, the dry mouth is the only thing i am concerned about it is very annoying, i have a question about AB, when you are on it do you not have cravings during the week?
stepgranddaughter moved back with her mother, her abusive behavior was just too much for me and the rest of this household, making us all feel uncomfortable in our own home. we brought her here for the opportunity to go to a much better shcool, but she just skipped and flunked out anyway, so no reason to stay here.that coupled with her behavior and she is about to get her license, (no way,i don't want to be on the other end of the phone when the police call)....i have felt so much better the last couple of days and am getting along better with hubby and my sons!! i love her, we tried, she just wasnt willing to give it what it deserved..i don't feel bad in the least. i am relieved.....i wish her the best always.... anyway....
Jay when you hit 100mg topa you stopped craving al? did you have the dry mouth? what were your experiences with it, may i ask your weight and height , just so i can compare? i weight 135 and am 5'6" .
sun and diz, you are both such inspiration to me, thanks so much, i love hearing from you..
It's a beautiful day in Iowa.!!
bug

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey y'all -

Space - I LOVED your posts! So true about being obsessed w/ AL, that it's part of the addiction. I found myself counting and thinking about it and all that...loved/hated it. I so admire the fact you are in a place you rarely think about it, yet you post here for us! Thanks so much for that! I find myself sooooooooooo sick of this addiction, but so unable to give it up. The fact I had 6 AF days last week was a miracle. This week, not so much...I so agree that any AF days are good in and of themselves, but to be so preoccupied w/ the drinking or not drinking...silly to anyone who isn't addicted.

Like my dinner w/ friends last week who were laughing & thinking I was "cute" for my "mockaritas". And my daughter the last couple of days for my "mocktails". I KNOW they are all wondering WTF is that all about?! Just have a drink!! But I know that I MUST "fool myself" b/c of my habit. It's all so ridiculous, but such a must for me, or I dunno...it just works for me.

Until tonight. I have had such a shitty week...I popped the AB Monday at noon after drinking fairly heavily over the weekend. I waited more than 12 hours, but was still worried the "fumes" might interact w/ the AB...it was fine. Here it is Wed. evening and I am caving to the cravings. Thought 125 mgs of AB is not going to linger for 5 days...it seems pretty ridiculous. PLus, I've been reading alot about others' experiences across the web. There are many ppl who take a full tab every 2-3 days interspersed w/ AL. Seems incredible to me, but I was almost at a white-knuckle state. After 55 hrs., thought I'd test it. So here I am, have had 2 oz of wine over the last 90 minutes, and no reaction whatsoever. I went 3 days AF and 55 hrs after taking AB, I am pretty sure it's fine. I don't plan to drink more than another glass or so, sipping slowly, but I sure am glad I can do it like this.

Yes, I'd rather abstain longer, and know that I will again, but this is not the killer drug it's made out to be...unless the stuff online is not as potent as a USA-written RX. Dunno. What I do know is that I'm scared enough of it for at least 48+ hrs to stay AF...and the longer the better, probs. But I caved to the cravings tonight...altho going VERY slowly!!! I really needed it.

I totally agree with Space saying the whole fixation with AL is part of our problem. But trying to reinvent my own personal wheel so fast, I need to take it a bit slower...meaning, I had 6 days AF last week, and 3 this week. I can do it again and intend to, just needed to let go and THANK GOD, so far so good.

I'll let you know if I go running for the toilet anytime soon!! :-))

[Jay-J]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well done Jay topa or not you are doing great, you must be so proud of yourself I hope.

Thanks space Yes, I am quite happy with myself. But I'm trying not to get too cocky cause it might bite me back one day. Yes, really feeling good all around and things are 1000% better at home and at work. It's all good!

Jay when you hit 100mg topa you stopped craving al? did you have the dry mouth? what were your experiences with it, may i ask your weight and height , just so i can compare? i weight 135 and am 5'6" .

Hi bug,

Actually, the week I was on 75mg., I was already not craving. Then onto 100mg. for 2 weeks Yes, I did get the cotton mouth and I could not taste my food. It affected my taste buds. Other than that, it was quite a "normal" feeling once I got used to the head rush in the beginning.

Regards!

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Space, I'm so worried about you, I wish I were there to hug you and say that it will be ok. I know that your stopping drinking was due originally to a mix of drugs, probably the new one, and thank god for that, but at the same time they can't find anything that really helps you feel better and have a zest for life. When i hear you say you are suicidal, it is almost too much for me, I know you aren't able to change the place you are in but please somehow hang in there in the hopes that somehow it will get better. I wish you could go every week to a therapist to just talk about how you feel, not just to change medications, is it possible for you to do that?

Bye, love you.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi again Space,
Just reading over again your post about the AB 5/7 plan. For me, I didn't take it for over a week due to a major emergency with my daughter here and just not feeling strong enough to go without something to calm me as I don't have other medications to help with the anxiety and havent so far been able to do it on my own

And I know it sounds like a major amount of planning of when you want to be AF and/or drink, perhaps it is that way for some folks, for me it is a pretty set feeling of wanting to take it on Monday and relaxing on the weekend. I don't have a lot of major party events to plan around, it's mostly just wanting to feel good in the mornings on the days that I work and then having the weekend to have something that I don't want to totally give up, I'm still telling myself that I can be normal even if I have to do it with assistance.

I have no idea if my brain can change, if I can develop a new habit of being AF, I'm also at a pretty low point right now and any AF day that I can get in any way, is really worth it's weight in gold.

Wow, I so feel such compassion for all of us here, trying to find our ways thru all this mess, happy we have each other to lean on.

XXX

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

My life is still blech. I'm not talking to bf so I don't really know if we have broken up. I know it sounds immature but right now I'm focusing on my mom's birthday tomorrow and her party on Saturday. I have been drinking but I'm popping an AB today to stay sober for the next couple of days and will hopefully do so until next weekend. I'm going to bake red velvet and carrot cupcakes with cream cheese icing and I haven't even baked in years. I'm trying to do it with my mom, it used to be our bonding thing but doing it with a woman who is currently critical and paranoid... God help me if I didn't have the AB on hand.

About the Valium, I can't take it during the day as it makes me very sleepy, I definitely won't be able to drive after that. I get some but mostly use it as a sleeping aid. When I could not get it I once found it online and paid a large sum of money and thought it was the best thing ever. Now that I know my GP will prescribe it and the generic cost like $1.50 for 10 I don't think its cool anymore, LOL. But like I say I don't abuse it as it just knocks me out and my GP also only give me so much per month.

Space, so sorry you're feeling suicidal and I think its crap your GP can't help you out this one time, I mean he can take it off your next month quota or something. It must be a shift in meds so you'll have to be extra kind to yourself to try natural ways to relax like nice hot baths and listening to the meditation CD's. We're here for you if you want to talk.

Houtx, I think the trick is to find the correct dose that will last from Monday morning to Friday 5pm. Trust me Antabuse definitely works. Its natural to really crave the first week or two but its odd how in the third week one usually starts looking forward to the sober time instead of vice versa.

I mean, we all love drinking but man, is it nice waking up with a clear head without that monkey on your back riding you the whole day.

Sun, so glad that awful dentist appointment is over. I had my root canal last year and then had to go to work afterward. I did take some Clonazepam beforehand and it also blocks the anxiety, without making me feel like a zombie .

I'm really happy and proud of you Jay, just please promise me you'll go back on the Topa if the cravings come back. It's so nice to have a success story. :goodjob:

Bug, part of the cravings you have is physical withdrawal and part of it is knowing that you can go to the store right now and buy a bottle. So by Tuesday evening you don't have any physical cravings anymore and your mind is a very powerful thing... Imagine a craving as a toddler having a full on body on the floor tantrum, shaking her little fists and screaming her head off because she can't have her daily candy bar. Somehow, just how those toddlers can go from 100-0 your brain starts to understand that you CANT have the candy until the weekend and therefore no tantrums, erm, I mean cravings. The first week or two can be a bit wobbly but like I just said by week three you actually start looking forward to popping that little white pill. Its like will power in a bottle.

Play, I'm not sure what's going on in your life but I'm sorry you are feeling so low :l I'm proud of you that you took the AB. Sometimes its hard, eh? I'm having the same struggle but then when I'm sober it is in some ways easier to cope with the pain. Not always but I'm not so overly emotional as I am when I drink and I don't have to worry about doing anything stupid to make things worse for myself. *sigh* I hope things lighten up for you soon.

Hugs to all and sorry if I missed anyone but I have to go birthday shopping and cupcake ingredient hunting - at least its something cheerful to do!

:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Play you really dont have to worry about me, as I say I have my kids so would never do anything bad because I couldnt do it to them so I will be ok. I am on a new drug that I do have high hopes for its just that it takes so long to get up to a theraputic dose so while I am waiting for that to happen I feel in limbo really. I am also still waiting to see a therapist, have been on the list for god knows how long, the reason for such a long wait tho is that I need to see a senior therapist because last year when I saw the other woman she panicked didnt she and phoned my gp to see me that day, I dont know why she panicked so much I didnt say anything bad but anyway she was obviously not the person for me.

I have been worried about you Play, since your op you havent been on much and when you have you have sounded so down. I am glad you are back on the AB and I did say that I do think any day without drinking is great, no matter how we get it its definately better than drinking every day. The daily alcohol drags us down so much I think, both in physical and mental health and drinking while feeling so low is only going to make anyone worse in the long run if only because as you say that getting up every morning not feeling good is a bad way to start every day. So I applaud you and the rest of the AB gang for getting these AF days and sincerely hope I didnt come across as anything else. In some ways I think I do kind of envy your ability to be able to not drink during the week and then have a few or a weekend, it does actually sound like a healthy relationship with alcohol to aspire to, it really comes down to what works for you as an individual. One thing I do know for an absolute unmovable fact is that there is no one size fits all in sorting out this drinking thing

As for retraining our brains so that they will actually phyisically change from the addictive state to a non addicitve state I remain hopeful. It helps me to believe its possible anyway rather than to believe I will forever be addicted to alcohol whether I am drinking or not. As I have said all along my plan was never to stop drinking all together, I have always wanted to become normal, my thoughts on what normal actually means when it comes to drinking alcohol tho have changed drastically. I always assumed the person who can have a drink and then stop when they want to and not feel compelled to carry on, either in that session or the next day is normal but Im not sure. My mum has a drink of whiskey every night, has done for years, she very rarely gets drunk and it doesnt affect her relationships, lifestyle or apparently her health what with her being 84 now. But she has to have her whiskey so some people would say she is dependent on it but I think there is nothing wrong with it even tho she is a daily drinker and admits she cannot do without it. It helps her through the days by giving her comfort and release from stress of an evening. My daughter never drinks alone tho and doesnt drink very often at all, but whenever she goes out with her friends she ends up very drunk and has a two day hangover that has so far cost her two jobs by her phoning in sick too often. But she is young and that is pretty normal behaviour for someone her age so again I think thats not a problem, but what about the job losses that definately is a problem. What Im getting at here is what the hell is normal, and when Ive said in the past I want to cut down what do I mean, when I say I want to be normal I dont know what I mean, I think it would be the ability to have a drink when I go out for a meal that does sound resonable request to me but could I trust myself not to move the goalposts. I really dont know. The goalposts I do keep moving now seem to me to be good ones as that I decided to try and see if I could drink respnsibly after set amounts of time and when those times have come up I havent bothered, in fact I havent even thought about them because I just dont want to do it. I wish I could wave a majik wand and give you all the sudden lack of desire to not drink that I got, but then I highly suspect that given the fact that I have felt so bad since doing it you would tell me to stick my wand up my arse. :H

Sun glad the root canal treatment went well for you, I have had it a couple of times and know it is not a nice thing at all. Once it went badly for me and I was in pain for around a month afterwards, getting an infection and having to eventually have my jaw bone drilled in order for the infection and my gum to heal that was entirely caused by a crap dentist doing a bad job. but then had it twice since and no problems at all, so I do understand anyones nervousness at seeing the dentist and especially that procedure. Are you in any pain or discomfort now since it, I think it can be tender and sore afterwards for a little while sometimes. How are you doing on the AB plan, I dont think you have taken it this week but I mean the rest of the time, are you coping ok with the not drinking days, do you still just have a couple of guiness at the weekend, I am interested in how it works for you.

x

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I don't know what the hell normal is, either, Space. I read too many biographies of alcoholic writers to have any clue about what people can or should do. F. Scott Fitzgerald at one point was trying to slow down his drinking, so he tried to limit himself to one shot of gin an hour throughout the day. But he found he couldn't stick to that, and would be taking the next hour's shot ahead of time, like on credit, and then the whole plan would fall apart. But then in one of his letters he wrote that he knew he needed to not drink, but at the same time he absolutely refused to deny himself wine with a meal.

And, of course, he died at age 44. We're all just here for such a short time, and it's a miracle, and every moment, even the worst of them, is all that we're going to have.

After the doc appointment I drank a pint of vodka this afternoon. And passed out in the evening, and woke around 10pm. I got up and went to the liquor store, and bought an 18 pack of beer instead of a bottle of bourbon. And that's my way of trying to get better right now. I'm taking my bac like a good kid, and am maybe slowing down from at least last night. We'll see how it goes.

Spending a lot of time on MWO, hopefully not too much--trying to be helpful. And hope all of you are OK. My love to you all. :l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Bug Im glad the situation with the step daughter is sorted now, when my own daughter was a teenager she was hell for me and I do honestly think was the cause of some serious problems for both myself and my sons, I cannot in any way imagine goin though that with a child that is not my own and dont think anyone should have to. I dont remember cotton mouth at all when I took topa but really its not a serious side effect is it, can you just make sure you have a water bottle or some bioled sweets to help with it. Well done on sticking with it, you are doing well to be hanging on in there and still trying to sort your way through this.

Houxt, you dont have to thank me for posting, but I do appreciate that you do, it makes me feel good about myself which is something I havent been doing so often recently. About the dosages of AB and timings as to when its safe to drink again I suppose the main problem is that none of us really know. I know my goal was totally different here, I didnt want to stop drinking I just needed to stop the shit it caused me. When I took AB and had the six months without drinking on it I took a full 200/250?mg pill each morning and knew I couldnt drink on it and that was that. Nearing the end of the six months I started cutting it down to every other day, and then 1/2 every other day and psychologically that changed the way it worked for me I think, it didnt have the deterrant effect of knowing that drinking would make me ill, I knew that once I had missed the day and was supposed to take it the next day I could miss that dose and be able to drink again the day after. I had read a lot about AB and decided for myself that after three days I would be safe to drink, unfortunately after I did that it stopped working for me because all it did was make me wait that few days and then I could drink and I would drink way too much, kind of like to compensate for the missed days. AB works on the psychological deterrant it has, although it was originally given to stop chronic drinkers by the fact that they where given large doses every day and would be put off drink by how ill it made them. Some where even encouraged to try it out to even further the deterrant and families encouraged to force them to take the pills. That is where the danger comes in that there would have been people who had been forced to take maybe 400mg a day but still wanted to drink themselves and so would do. Ive gone off what I was talking to you about Houxt you seem to have that effect on me of making me ramble Anyway what I meant to be talking about was, now you have found you can drink after 3 days when you took 1/2 the pill it might be harder to go longer again because it has lost the initial deterrant. Hopefully tho that fact that you start to feel so much better while not drinking will spur you on to get a couple more days. BUT you always need to remember that just because you may feel no ill effects from drinking while taking AB it does not always mean that there are none. If all it did was make you feel ill and be sick when you drank then there would be no worries about it at all. It changes the way the liver works so that you cannot metabolise alcohol properly so you could actually be doing more damage to your liver and possibly other organs if you where to start making a habit of taking it and waiting shorter times before drinking regularly than not taking it and drinking daily. I am not a medical person by the way whatever I say here is just based on what I found out and read myself while I was taking it. My doctor and many others here in the UK wont prescribe it at all for anyone due to its potential danger. I dont want to put you off it at all, I do think the AB 5/7 plan is good, you just need to keep it safe. I do also think that 6 days last week and 3 this week is amazing for you Houxt but I do I desparately want you to be safe. There may well be many people who take a full tab every two to three days and then drink but I dont think any doctor would recommend this and with good reason The stories about AB being a killer drug may well be exagerated but it is still dangerous stuff, that is why I have never encouraged anyone on here to start taking it if they havent thought about it long and hard before, I dont want to be responsible if something should go wrong.

However well done on the three days, and dont worry about drinking yesterday its done. Dont ever try to rush this either you are so right in what you say about trying to invent your own wheel too fast, for some of us, me included it just doesnt work and is simply not sustainable.

I now dont know whether to press enter or not, I dont want to put you off something that may help you so much by my own fear, please if you dont agree with anything I say then just ignore me. I just get scared of AB and I could be wrong.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Stuck how did your doc appointment go, forget the vodka this afternoon but I do think trying to stick to beer is a good idea. Last year it helped me cut down dramatically by drinking beer instead of vodka, for me any spirits go down far to quickly and easily and I seem to get a delayed reaction in that I used to drink over half the bottle and feel sober and then suddenly feel pissed.

Love to you all

space xx

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Dizzy sorry Xposted. Glad you took the AB today so you can sort out nice stuff for your mums birthday, its great that you can be there for her and help her like that. I hope you all have a lovely time and enjoy the yummy cakes. Sorry to hear things are still not sorted for you and your bf although I dont actually know what happened between the two of you. Its probably a good thing that you have your mums birthday to think about and take your mind off this waiting in limbo you seem to be in at the moment not even knowing if your still together, although I do think you need to find out one way or another soon for your own well being.

My gp does seem overly worried about anything my pdoc can possibly prescribe and has told me he want my pdoc to prescibe the valium instead of him, then I phone my pdoc's seceratary and she says you should to ask your gp for that, its not something you need bother the pdoc with!

space x

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Gosh - so much to read this morning - and of course i have to leave for work. feel much better today - except my tooth is sore .... Dizzy there was NO way I could have worked after the root canal yesterday - so kudos to you for going in to work after one !!!

Will post later today - no time this morning. Thinking of you all,

love and hugs, sun XX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I have just heard about a beautiful young girl who was at school with my daughter and also in rehab with me twice has died today. She was only 26 and has left a young baby. She was a very talented soul singer but the drink and anorexia got in her way, after having her baby she stopped drinking. I dont know how she died just that she was admitted to hospital but it was too late to save her. I feel so sad that this could happen and really cant believe it.

space xx

[taw]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space, I am so sorry to hear about the girl. Eating disorders are hard. You can live without AL but learning to have a healthy realtionship with food when you NEED to eat is very difficult. I still struggle after many many years of being a recovering bulimic. I was going to comment a few days ago that your posts sounded so strong and healthy, then you said you were so down and suicidal. I was so sad to hear that. And you are still here helping others everyday. I hope that you are feeling better!:l

Everyone seems to be having a tough go of it lately. I am tired of the guilt and self loathing/hating. I keep trying to remind myself that I am taking steps to get well, give myself time to let the topa work, but last night over did it a bit and am just beating myself up. I am really just hoping to get thru the weekend with as little damage as possible to take an AB on Monday...maybe even Sunday if I can manage it! My AL brain keeps telling me that taking the topa is like a hall pass to drink. My want to be sober brain, says the topa will probably work better and quicker if I am AF. Luckily I work late tonight and will be too tired to do too much damage by the time I get home!

Sun, hope your mouth is feeling ok! Everyone else, hope you are all hanging in there. Many many :l:l:l to you all. It will get better, it has to!