New here and starting Topa and with a question

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning All,
Feeling a little better today since I am back on my AB and the mornings feel much better.

Dizz :h

Sun, you ok? You are just sick of sewing.

Dear Space, I know what you mean about thinking of things in the past and it causing such distress but never think you let me or Sun down, of course I was disappointed not to see you but you were doing the best you could. Now, your invitation to make a quick, spur of the moment, jaunt over to Spain is always open and I'm leaving on June 9th for 5 weeks, it will be a relaxed fun time now so feel free to join me for a couple of sun drenched beach days.

Bug, oh what a situation you have, I rather agree with Houtx on wishing that abused women wouldn't put up with it. My daughter here also puts up with this same awful verbal abuse and disrespect, and I can't understand how she doesn't have the respect for herself to get away from him, but I know she is not in a rational place herself or she would not continue to live like that.

Dizz, I know part of your despair is over the visa thing and part over the BF. I know you are grieving but I am also proud of you for knowing that you deserve respect and a healthy relationship. I think almost nothing is worse than living with abusive treatment from a relationship.

Meggie, hi there, thinking of you.

Must of overlooked some of you but I'm thinking of you.
XXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Houtx,
Thanks for your always heartfelt posts, have a fun two weeks off no worries about that.

XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Play I am glad you are going to see your daughter and her family again it will do you good. I doubt if I will come over this time what with everything I have going on here but would love to and definately intend to come and meet you at sometime hopefully in the not too distant future.

I eventually recieved some money, not the amount I used to get, and my son still has had nothing but I got enough too pay for a week in Mallorca and we go next tuesday. I know this is totally irresponsible of me, we dont have much spending money and I owe out lots to my mum, also I need to pay my car insurance, MOT and phone/internet bill and the money would have payed for some of that, but I have been under so much stress and in so much physical pain the idea of a week in the sun relaxing and being able to lie in the warm and go in the pool to ease my pain just got me to book it. It was an impulse thing and I now wish partly that I havent done it because of all the bills I need to pay and everything else but it is done now, I am getting anxious about it. Something I have noticed about not drinking is that I now get the feelings that would make me drink, I would actually love to have a drink and feel its effects but for some reason cant bring myself to, its like there is something inside me that I cant control stopping me from drinking. Kind of like the opposite really of before when there was something inside me out of my control that made me drink. I know this is a good thing but I have that I have no release anymore from myself and my feelings. I also have enough pills like valium and pain meds that I could use to get out of it, I dont mean od by the way, but I dont have it in me to abuse them or any other drugs anymore either. I dont know what has happened to me, they say be careful what you wish for and for years I wished my drink problem would go away and now it has happened there are times, like right now, when going to the shop and buying a bottle to get drunk is something I think I want to do but the thought of it is actually now making me feel sick. So what the hell am I left with, I really dont know, I dont know how long I can pout up with this amount of pain and stress without cracking up is basically what I am trying to say. I made a decision today that if, after I come back from holiday I still feel the same I will have to try and demande hospital admission, what has stopped me going before is that I am scared because I dont know how long I would be kept in and that if I change my mind and try to leave they could section me so its not something I really want to do but I dont see any alternative. Maybe the holiday will help me tho.

space x

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there - home from work. Got off a little early which was nice - my work was finished !

Space - if you feel that you need/want to go to Mallorca, then GO. ENJOY it !! you deserve to do something good for you - I so hope that it helps with the pain for you. if not, then yes, go and create merry hell at your local hospital - they really should do something for you !!

Hi Play - yes, I am sick of sewing - talked with the interior designer and am not doing any more. I will finish what I have now but then that is it - it just isn't worth the money for the stress it causes me.

So happy that you are feeling somewhat better - :l:l

Houtx - I do understand about not taking the AB - but I get to the point where I NEED to take it. My drinking has escalated which I hate - what happened to the two a day person I used to be? Once you take it the once, then you know what it can do, and how much better you feel. I just had to get to that point where i HAD to do something. I would never dream of being judgemental about anyone drinking or not - I am hardly one to talk ! I am thinking about going back on Topa too actually but am not sure if it will work any better starting over with it if I still have to get up to a ridiculously high dose for it to be effective. I am just not happy with where I am right now with the drinking.

You mentioned the summer school schedule - are you teaching summer school? POOR YOU. I was hoping that you could have some time away from it and try and get yourself sorted.

Buggy - I do understand how you cannot leave hubs - I understand about a lifetime together and money being tied up together. It is a shame that he is like this to you though. Gosh - your house is HUGE !!!!! No wonder it is a money pit. Ours costs enough and we have a way way smaller house - LOL !

I hope that you enjoy yourself in Chicago - are you going on your own? If you were coming through St Louis, we could have met up !!

Taw - I never felt any anxiety on Topa. But I suppose we are all different and get different SE's. What dose are you up to now? And how long have you been on it? Whenever you get a bad SE you can do one of two things - either go back down, or ride it out and hope that it eventually goes away - the only SE that I had that didn't go away, was the depression at 300mg. OR you could always take say 50 one day then 75 the next, 50 the next and so on - whatever dose you are at. Just a thought anyway.

Space .... PLEASE do not EVER think that you let me down - you didn't - okay? We are good and I never felt let down by you. please don't worry about it !! :l:l

and Dizzy ..... much love and many hugs to you my friend :l:l Please feel better soon and try and look up - the reason that folk tell someone they look down when they are blue, is 'cos if you look UP, you will find that you feel better !! Try it - it works !!!

And on that note, I need to go and write a letter.....

love to all, sun XX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space, go on your holiday and don't think twice about doing it except to remember that we need holidays to help heal us from the stress of worries about everyday life, this will do you a world of good, ther is no better way you could have spent this money.

I'm envious that all of Europe is at your doorstep

XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thank you for you words of encouragement play, I need to know I am doing the right thing not just being totally irresponsible. For some reason I have this need to be given permission to be good to myself.

I envy you as well being in America.

xx

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun what a good post, I like that you told us more about you. You tried so hard to be that two a day person that you once where, like we all do when it starts getting out of control and try and try to get back to the ok point of before but it just doesnt seem to work. You say you are still not happy where you are right now with the drinking, does that mean you are still not happy after the AB? why is that, are you getting cravings during the week or drinking too much of a weekend. I have no idea what would happen if you where to re-start topa after you had to go so high in the past would that happen again, its a tricky situation because then you got depressed and thats no good at all for you either. You could give it a go tho for a little while and see what happens, it may work better this time because your not drinking for most of the time to begin with. Are you thinking of starting topa and coming off AB tho, if you want my honest opinion on that I dont think you should right now as you have been able to maintain the plan and I think it has been doing you good, I think its too soon and too risky that you will just slip back into old behaviour of wanting the two a night but drinking more.

If only there was one pill that did everything, stopped us drinking so much and made us feel good.

Thanks for you kind reasuring words sun.

space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun haha I didnt mean go to the hospital for pain, I know theres nothing they can do about it except give me more pain meds, if I cant manage on this then its some type of morphine I think and I want to aviod that for as long as I can. I meant psychiatric hospital to sort out my head. I up the dose on one of the new ones I started last month next week so I hope that will start to kick in soon. This was the med I wanted and asked for, I had to barter with my pdoc to get it because it takes so long to up the dose and start to work so I desparately want it to work and to be allowed to stay on it long enough to give it a good try. But over the past weeks maily because of all the stress I have had dealing with the dss over mine and my sons benefits I have been suicidal, it really has only been my children that have kept me alive because I couldnt do that to them. The appeals for the money will go on for months yet and I dont know if I really have the strength within me to carry on alone with it. I know I have to but that knowledge is getting me down more. I actaully am now having problems functioning on a daily basis. My house is a mess and I cant see straight to be able to do anything about it, I mean the kind of mess that all my clothes are on the bedroom floor and I am sorting throught on the days I get dressed for something kind of clean enough to wear. I cant concentrate to shop or cook a meal so we are eating convenience foods out of the freezer, last night once again I started to cook something then had to leave it because I just couldnt carry on. I dont think it is depression because I am not like I have been in the past where I am depressed and cannot move and just lie in bed without getting washed or changed for a week or more, I just feel bad, and confused and messed up inside. There are times when I can barely put two words together to talk to someone.

I highly suspect that all this is not new to me, I have always been like this I just always drank before so it was hidden behind my drunkeness. But I dont think I have ever felt so stressed out before and desparate,

I was just about to edit this, is it too much information, too personal, I dont know but I will leave it up, I have only ever edited one or two posts before and Im not sure why I did that so Im not going to start now.


space x

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sorry you're still feeling low, Space. There are many times when I also leave clothes on the bedroom floor or just in the laundry bags, and root around to find something clean when I get dressed. That doesn't work so well, since the cats like to play in the bags, so all my clean clothes end up having so much fur on them that they look dirty again already.

You've got so much going on, love. I do hope you can not feel down about the little things like keeping the house in order. I try to think about one thing at a time. Like "today I will wash 1/2 the dirty dishes," or "today I will change the sheets on the bed." And if I get that one little goal done--even if the rest of the house is so dirty and covered in cat fur still--then I feel a little better. And, well, "today I really should vacuum," but I don't think I will.

:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks for that stuck, it does make me feel a bit better that someone else has to shake the hairs off hteir clothes before putting them on, mine are dogs hairs tho I also think your advice about doing half the dishes or change the sheets is good and that I also even know should really vacuum but agree with you that I dont think I will. We can be buddy's in sluvenly living.

xx

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Bug - I appreciate your being open-minded about my previous post. I do not have a good impression of your hubby, but respect the fact you've established a habit in all areas with him.
I don't know what else to say except I am sooooooooooo sorry for your lot in life. So many commented on this, that people feel they are "trapped", etc. I think that's bullshit. Sorry, but I do. 10, 20, 30 yrs...husband is an asshole...stay or leave. I'd line up my ducks for a few months, and leave his ass. Seriously, are you happier with him than without?? 30 wasted years...how many more are you willing to sacrifice?? I think it's stupid to stay in a dead marriage. Kick his butt...kick YOURS!! Get in there and and make a difference in what LIFE you have left!!

Yes, not having money makes it hard, but if you are really serious about wanting to live out the rest of your life free and HAPPY...there ARE WAYS to do that. LOTS of social services, family menbers, etc you can look in to. I lose patience w/ weakness on this subject.

'Nuff said - I'll post later about all the rest. I LOVE y'all , but I think so many of you are just not taking charge of your lives!! Not everyone, but some...

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

houtx;1507210 wrote:

', but I think so many of you are just not taking charge of your lives!! Not everyone, but some...

What the hell does that mean houxt??

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sorry I didn't get to this earlier, Space, and seeing you on reminded me. I am totally down with being slovenly-living buddies.

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Yes, Houtx, I think you should take a step back. I love you and your posts are refreshing but jeez have you ever heard of putting a guard in front of your mouth?

Like a said a week before. This is a loving space where we must feel safe to share. Yes, we are welcome to air our opinions and advice but in a caring manner and if the advice is kindly declined then move on.

We are all living our own lives with own problems and we only share here what we're comfortable with sharing. I'd hate for ANY one of you to leave as they don't feel comfortable here.

Where is WTE to give the purple couch description again?

My bf apologised and we are in talks. Again, some of you may have opinions over that but he came back and apologised, and he went through a really shitty time. So am I open for advice, yes. But will I go with him tomorrow if he was to fly here, definitely as for every bad there are four goods.

We are all trying to be sober or cut down, so let's keep the rest of the conversation about caring and building up each others lives, not judging and antagonising.

D XOX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dizzy I didnt know there where plans for your bf to come over to see you. I have said when you started hitting a rough patch iwth him lately that I remembered this happening last year when you where apart, I dont really think you make a great long distance relationship couple but lets hope it doesnt have to carry on like that for too long and you can get things sorted out.

Houxt I have grown to like you a lot since you have started posting often and hope you continue to do so, but do have to say I think you are going too far with bug and should really consider her feelings more.

I first came to MWO because of the problems I had with alcohol, I jioned this thread because I think it was Dizzy and Sun where talking about AllOne and I asked about it, I have been here since as it has been the friendlyest, most caring place to be, not just on this forum but as far as I can find on the whole internet!!! Since I stopped drinking I still need you all, not just to keep me off the drink but in my everyday life, and those everyday life things hit me hard, because I now dont have a release from them like I used to have with drink and also because I have illness's. I have kids who I worry about and give me problems, I have money worries like I never believed could happen to me, my mum being 84 is a worry and the fact that I have been single for so long and have no interest in men a relationship or even sex worries me sometimes because I then realise I will grow old alone, something I dread doing but obviously not enough to change that fact. I dont have friends really because I of drink and thats another worry about lonliness but I find it hard to keep a friendship going because I let people down all the time. These are the things I need to talk about and have been able to on this thread, not just how my drinking is going or how a med is working, we need that as well but our lives are so much more than that.

Stuck, your such a sweetie :h

space x