New here and starting Topa and with a question

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Have a good day Play. I am intending on spending mine in the garden ! weeding, planting - flowers and seeds. I am just in for a break - it is so hot out right now. My grands came over with my daughter and the 5 year old LOVES to help me in the garden so we were both out there planting.......they have just left and I am cooling down then heading back out again.

SO loving being outside - but have to admit that it will be much easier with my 5 year old 'helper' gone - LOL. but she enjoyed it and it was fun for me too - I love that she likes the garden - her mum doesn't!!

Hope everyone is having a lovely day,

love and hugs, Sun XX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi dear Cleansed, I can just say to hang in there and mostly don't rush the Topa. You are only on it for two weeks now and might want to not titrate up so quickly. It mostly does take time to work and also I think for our brains to adjust to the chemical makeover that the Topa is working and maybe you are not giving it enough time at each mg, anyway something to try.

Dizz, you sound good but sorry we missed out on the great long posts as yours are always so full of information that you have researched for us. We are lucky to have you for a dear friend:h

Space, too bad you cannot garden all year long

So for me, I have 3 days now due to taking my AB and I'm going to take it again tomorrow and have the week AF which will be the longest I have gone since first starting Topa.

I've been very down the last few weeks since the problems with my daughter and her BF. it's not actually something new, it's just that I was feeling better for awhile and had even stopped taking my Zoloft. I don't want to start it again but I'm really at a place where I can barely get thru the day. I really would like to drown this depression a bit in Alcohol but I'm also so sick of that.

Somehow I have to find some kind of passion and reason for getting up in the morning, otherwise what good is this life that I have been given if I don't use it and just sit home and drink but also now even not drinking I'm just feeling lost.

I'm lonely and don't know what to do about it. I have no brothers or sisters, no cousins, no friends and my children all live far away and my grandchildren as well.

Well, what the hell to do? I'm praying that clarity of mind will somehow enable me to build a new life that has some meaning for me.

Love and now having ice cream and strawberries but hate that too because I still want to lose weight. Ok, I gotta stop before I drive you all nuts.
XXX

[Cleansed]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks

I appreciate your advice Sunshine. Yesterday I increased to 75 mg so lets see. Wondering if I need AA meetings even though I wa hoping for moderation. Maybe I'm kidding myself. I probably need a fellowship at the very least. I looked into local meetings in my area and am trying to get the courage to go this week. What do you think? I have always been the type to do everything myself. That's BS.

[Cleansed]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thank ou all for your responses. I felt so lost. I am just following the book but I really haven't told my adult son who moved back home , what I'm doing, so we had a fight BC of my behavior. Also workaholic significant other isn't worth telling either, so only this GP doctor knows. Really, I feel better to have you acknowledge me. Work tomorrow and I need to find a better way to unwind when I get home like exercise. God bless you & Love.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there everyone. This is so awesome for me to have three days in a row off - yesterday I was shattered by the end of the day, which culminated in a tub of Ben & jerry and bed !! Planning on being outside again today and more weeding and planting. And I had such a treat this morning - I saw an indigo bunting in the garden !!

Cleansed - AA meetings are totally a personal thing. Like you, I tend to do things on my own. I would never go to an AA meeting, but for some folk, they can be really helpful. Apart from anything else, where I live is small and as my car would be in the car park, I wouldn't go - simply 'cos of that. Plus many years ago, I went to one with my dad - for him, as moral support and it didn't make me want to go to one now I am in the same boat. BUT, as i said, it is a personal thing and something only you can decide. Maybe try one and see how you feel?

As for unwinding when you get home - I know the feeling. Maybe take a walk? Do you have a dog? I am not the right one to ask - unfortunately the first thing I do when I get home still, is to have a drink. I tend to drink early and stop early. Yesterday my last drink was late afternoon.

We are here for you if you have any questions - it is hard to talk to others in the family about it - so fire away - okay? Just post whenever you feel like it. usually someone is around eventually.

Play - I am sorry about how you are feeling. i really think you should reconsider the Zoloft. At least think about it okay? Good for you taking the AB again - you say that you feel better when you don't drink, even though your problems are still there - but at least you have a clear mind to think about them. I have e-mailed you. :l

Dizzy - LOL - I HAD noticed the full stops and the Caps and wondered what was going on - thanks for explaining. It must be driving you crazy! Wonder why it is doing it? Hope you had a good weekend ......

I am off outside before the temps get ridiculous.

Love and hugs, Sun XXX

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dear Cleansed,
hope you are feeling better, I'm sure happy that you are here sharing with us and I personally know that my friends here are my lifesavers. I know you are new here and there are so many details and so much information in this thread regarding our experiences with Topa, our personal histories, etc. Way too much to try to tell it anew for new friends here but if you have time to read thru the thread you will be amazed at what you will find. It's rather like a soap opera and probably once you start you won't be able put it down. For me I joined in about Christmas of 2011 I believe and I gave a day by day account of my journey with Topa, probably back in the middle of the thread somewhere. I know it takes time to read but it might give you more to go on regarding Topa plus some entertainment.

Interesting revelation here for me: so I've been AL free for four days after the AB and as you know I've also been going thru a severe bout of depression and desolation.

Today I was crying all day and almost unable to function and just gave in to not taking my AB again and had a drink instead, it had nothing to do with cravings, just totally due to pain.

After two drinks I realized that I no longer felt such despair and was able to just start forgetting about the pain and tell myself that everything is ok.

This was the very first time that I had this crystal clear understanding of how I use AL to mask my depression and keep not working thru it somehow, wow, what a realization, to know it internally rather than just in theory.

I hope to take the AB tomorrow as I know I will be sick of drinking again tonight.

Everyone please take care and see you tomorrow,
Much love from play

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Morning, made it thru the night and sick of AL after only one night which is a step forward, gonna take the AB this afternoon, see you all later.

XXX

[bugpieper]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello hello hello

I know its been a while since i have posted so don't everbody get on me, if you knew whats been going on this past week you would understand, but everything is cool now and Im home so I have time to sit down and post..... Just got home from St. Louis... Sun as you know, it rained all weekend and the drive home was horrible, glad to be home!!!! my garden it So much bigger!! Flowers not Groceries.... anyway, i have been doing overall i would say a bit better, had too much the night as hubby noted but that was the only night out of 4, not bad if you ask me...still drinking but in moderation..taking the topa, and it does help!!!
Cleansed give it time, it does help, i am taking 125 mg and it took me over 2 months to get there without having the se that i couldnt deal with, still have the dry mouth but gum and hard candies definatley help!!! Try to not start drinking till as late as possible, i find if i can hold out till after 7 them i can just have a couple of drinks then go to bed w/o getting drunk...
try to stay busy, eat some candy or drink some sweet drinks and then make sure you eat dinner, i find also that if i have dinner, i don't want to drink as much, i always want to drink more on an empty stomach i don't want to drink as much on a full stomach!!!

I Miss you guys, i have read all of the posts, just didn't have time to post. I appreciate the concern that i wasnt posting, i am not quiting you guys, you are my family now.. Love bug
:heart:

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Yay, glad you are back and :goodjob:sounds like you are doing well.

XXX

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all -
Sorry I have been absent also. Moving kids home from school, my own school and just stuff in general. Glad to see Bug's post. Via PM's we are cool...and to a couple of you whho also PM'd me on various subjects, I appreciate the care and concern. Alls well & sorry I've been absent...nothing personal!

Bug - I hope all continues to go well w/ you! Sounds like you are seeing success w/ TOPA and that's great! Let us know how it goes

Cleansed - hope your "journey" goes well...hang in there!

Play - sorry you are having a hard time. When I went AF, I too felt some emotions bubbling to the surface, but I think I am just in the mire of this addiction. As I think I've probably said before, I am more prone to irritation that depression...neither are good...but I can handle irritation better than the depression, I think.

Sun 0 glad you're enjoying the gardening. Not sure where you are, but Houston has been getting into the 90s already. We had an amazingly cool spring...looks like Texas temps are here again!

DIZ, Stuck, TAW, the rest...chime in!!

I have been doing pretty ok. Have not gone the AB route in a few weeks - just too much going on end of year & all. Once all this is over and the summer school routine sets in, I plan to go 3-4 AF w/ 1/2 a tab.
My kids are home from college and I have to behave...they know me though. As long as I go to bed by midnight on weekends and 10 weekdays, I'm good.

Space - looking forward to hearing about the holiday!! And everyone else, the updates!

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I'd sure chime in if I had anything to say, Houtx! My days are all the same now: wake up once or twice overnight and either eat or smoke without really being conscious of doing either, getting up at about 7 or 7:30 completely exhausted, reading and working a little in the morning, going to the gym in the afternoon, going to the bar after the gym, then reading or fucking around online while listening to music until going to bed around midnight or 1.

And that was my night tonight, too, hit the gym--and my running is ever so slowly improving--watched a hockey game at the bar, just ate an entire container of cottage cheese, and read a couple short stories. Going to get in bed in a few... Sober for 17 days now? Just had to count on the calendar...

Absolutely nothing exciting, sorry to say. Glad it sounds like peeps are hanging in there and doing pretty well!

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

I guess I can relate, Stuck. Well not with the insomnia but with life just seeming boring while being sober at the moment. But what's that old Sheryl Crow song - No one said it would be easy.... Is it normal for you to sleep this badly?

Winter is kicking in this side and all I seem to want to do is sleep, which is a sign of depression but boyfriend and I are working on a new visa application so at least something is in the pipeline. As he's an EU citizen we're applying for a visa, saying that if they don't give it to me, they are affecting his right of movement, I don't understand it all but I don't need a visa to live in Ireland and England and Ireland has some legal agreement. Anyway, I'm letting him take the lead. Apparently its important to sometimes do that with men :P

So nice to see posts from both Bug and Houtx on one night.

Yes, Houtx, one has to feel ready to be sober, even if its just a couple of days at a time. You now know what's possible but I can understand that the end of the school year can be a very daunting time.

Bug, sounds like you're doing well and that the Topa is starting to work. I mean if you give the advice to just any problem drinker (who is not on Topa) they'll probably laugh at you, so having come from somewhere where Topa has helped me I can see that it is helping you to wait until after dinner. That's huge. :goodjob:

Play, I've never been able to fully kick the antidepressants. Whenever I try to drop them I start crying everyday and I just feel les mis, so I think I just have a brain imbalance and the same as I think of taking an antidepressant the same way as I do about taking something for my prediabetes. Did you ever read that Mood Cure book. I'm sure you could pick up a second hand copy for real cheap but it explains all about the different type of depressions and alternative ways to deal with it.

Sun, I don't know why my phone is funny, its probably trying to be helpful, like predictive texting. I wish I knew what made you so happy but alas, am just happy that you're happy. Enjoy the garden. I'm enjoying the last bit of gardening here as if my visa goes through it would probably be a bit before I have a garden again. Maybe we'll move to a two bed with a patio garden over there, I'd love that instead of a flat. Autumn is nice for gardening here but although Winter doesn't freeze it rains all the time so I pretty much just let the garden rest except for getting the lawn mowed.

Anyway, I have to get to work, have been lazy the last couple of days and am feeling guilty about it.

Hugs to all.

:l

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Houtx and Bug, happy to see you, glad you two have made up and glad you are both on an even keel right now.

Stuck, yes, the sober days are actually pretty boring, I hate to admit that. Your days being all the same sound like mine and that feeling of no purpose or joy in the day is most likely our depression I suppose. But I know that I somehow have to make a change in my life, move closer to one of my children perhaps, finder less expensive housing so that I don't have to work so much and also carve out some work niche that I look forward to but I haven't figured any of that out yet.

Some people say that it gets easier being sober, I hope so.Dizz I think you have said that in the past. And Dizz so happy you and BF have a plan for the Visa. I think if you ever get out perhaps you shouldn't go back but then I know you have family there and it's hard to give that up.

And Dizz and Sun, about my antidepressant, you know I stopped it after seeing that therapist in Spain and have really not felt depressed until the last few weeks. I think my energy has been so pulled down by the situation with my daughter and her BF and now I'm in trouble with the depression again. I suppose if I don't feel better after I see that therapist ( I'm going to Spain in June) then I will start taking it again. I just feel like my senses are more alive without it and like the feeling of not being kind of numb to everything. But wow that's quite a statement given that I numb myself with AL regularly.

By the way I think the thing with my daughter might really be almost over. Yesterday the BF was searching on the Internet trying to "investigate who she might have known in the past" and found someone she had known, this happens over and over. So he went into a rage and said he is leaving again for good but this time before he left he completely destroyed her bed and threw the mattress into the driveway, all because someone she knew in the past might have slept in it before she knew him. Abusive and crazy I know that but my daughter has hung on. But he is getting part of his stuff out of the house today and the rest later so I think it is over. Unbelievable that he is a professional person and seemed very normal for the first six months:upset: so she is hysterical and I will go up there on the train today and stay two nights to help her thru this again. I so hope it is over, I'm so tired.

I'm trying also to pack and get ready to leave for Spain on the 9th of June and will be there for five weeks. It will all be for fun I am hoping as the baby is doing well and there are no huge stresses going on there regarding her. This will be the last time that I will be able to go for at least a year, I basically have used my savings during 2012 to go there three times to help out with the problems of my granddaughter and the hip replacement for my daughter. Now when I get back I will need to concentrate on my own life and get it straightened out

Dizz, it's so weird, my phone suddenly started doing that stuff when I try to text and I don't know how to make it stop. I could take it to the store but don't have the energy to stand in the line always in those stores.

Sun, I'm taking my notebook and SRF lessons with me to my daughters house and will be in touch this evening with an email. Right now I need to do some laundry and get ready to catch the Amtrak.

Loe to you all,
play

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all, I am back from my hols and it was ok, it was great to actually spend time with my sons instead of us all just being in separte rooms of the same house and there was some nice weather, but a couple of very overcast days which I was surprised at, they said this is the worst May ever, but I did get a few days on the beach anyway and one day out on a boat where we could see all the wonderful coastline around the island.

While I was away I felt so much better, both in phsical pain and mental health, now Im back its kind of automatically starting again but I decided I ned to find ways of dealing with it so have started while I was away listening to the guided meditations Play sent me last year and intend to carry on with them to help me.

I havent had time to read back, just this page, sorry things have been bad for you recelty Play with worrying about your daughter, hopefully she will leave him at some point, lets hope its soon. As you all already know I dont find being sober easy at all and havent found that life gets easier without drink, if anything I think it gets harder in a lot of ways because there is no release from the stress but I still want to carry on with it, my family are happy that Im not drinking and I couldn not take that away from them and also I believe that eventually things have got to get better.

Oh by the way the apartments where ok, they where basic but clean and in a good place just up the street from the beach and restaurants and shops Even thought it wasnt the place I would have chosen to stay in with my sons it was a very beautiful place just a bit too quiet, it was mostly couples and families with young children, I did feel lonely at times and missed the factthat I dont have a partner, or plans or desire for getting one. I did start thinking a bit about trying online dating and its something I may look intl.

Oh by the way,my laptop has been acting up so if you dont here from me at some time that will be why, when I eventually get any more money I will have to take it in to get repaired.

Love to all of you

space x

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Space, I'm so happy to hear from you, I've really missed you and also understand how the holiday really did help your spirits, I know that feeling, mine good feeling always lasts for a couple of months
And yes, there must be ways to make life happier and our moods to be lifted. We will be in the same time zone in a week so maybe we can chat often knowing that we are there when our U.S. friends are asleep.

Lots of love to you from play.