New here and starting Topa and with a question

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Play thank you so much for such kind words, itb means a lot to me to hear them. I decided when I came on MWO that I would have to be honest, or there was no reason for coming on here, but also if I can help others then that is good too. Your friendship also means a lot to me and I have missed you a lot. I still regret so much that we didnt meet up last year but there will be other times I hope.

space xox

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun ~ first of all, you said you caved. I hope it's not because of what was being said on here. Although I do know how easy it is to take people's comments to heart. I have done so many times in the past. Just pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You're a strong lady, that is plainly obvious to me from my interaction with you and my reading the thread from the beginning (still not even a quarter of the way through! Ha ha!). It's a hard journey. Especially when you are quitting both at the same time. You've got a tough but doable task ahead of you.
I also wanted to ask what breed of pup u have? Have u considered getting a second opinion from a different vet? My life is based around animals largely and when there are large problems such as these I do recommend a second opinion as well as a more holistic approach to caring for a pet. Not only a pet but for oneself.
Ha! Listen to me go on here. I am studying holistic healthcare and I am on the precipice of full blown alcoholism.
You have all our support here Sun. Maybe WTE was having a bad day....
Please come back and check in.

Where has Meggie gone? I'm wondering how she's doing on the Topa?

Space ~ hiya! I have since been (still) drinking. But not as much as I used to. But still drinking. ( Waiting for the Topa to kick in high gear. If it even will for me. Fingers crossed.
I am still on the 50mg. I kinda wish it worked for me like it did for Play (just began reading back on her story). But maybe a different dosage will work for me. I am considering a counsellor but honestly I have tried that on two different occasions and they push AA on you and I tried that whole thing and it ain't for me. I have noticed he pins and needles in the feet but nothig major.
Still drinking. But not as much. I guess that's a step in the right direction anyway...
The dosage will increase for me on Wednesday to 75mg.
I am also taking vitamins with it. I do find I am tired on this stuff. So I am taking iron. I also take an omega-3-6. Complex-B. Ester-C. Zinc. Calcium. And Jarasil for my hair.
Oh and iron.
Not too sure about the glutamine. I am studying all this right now too actually (omg so much work! Vitamins! Minerals! Aminos!). Glutamine is a non-essential amino acid..I will do more research. )

Anyways.
Hope everyone is well on this Saturday morning. Thankfully I don't have a hangover.
I am off to the market. It's a long weekend for me.
My next test is not drinking during the days. Usually on the long weekends I would begin at noon. No wonder my weekends would go by fast. I would be drunk for 85% of them.

And great work to all those still off the booze! I admire you're hard work! )

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Woah. Sorry that was really long.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone.

Bri - never worry about posting long posts - they are good to read !! Thank you for what you said and also thanks for the suggestions re my dog. I have Shelties. Yes, when I say I caved I gave in, but will try again. SO much going on - no excuses, there will always be stuff going on, and I will try again. And one day I will get there ! I have done it before and I will do it again.

Sounds good with your plans to try and not drink during the days - I know what you mean about starting drinking at noon on the weekends !! I remember getting the pins and needles..... I liked it as to me it showed that the Topa was actually there, daft as that sounds !

Space - thank you for your kind words. It was sweet of you to say all that you did. I talk with my therapist either every two or every three weeks. I will be talking to her on wednesday next and we shall discuss my caving - well, we have been e-mailing about it and are working on it now. She is perfect for me and we do work well together. I have no doubt that I will get there eventually.

Anyway, short post - sorry. Off out to run errands. Hope you all have a great weekend,

Hugs, sun X

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi

Bri you are doing so well with the cutting down on drinking, oh that starting drinking early in the day and spending so much time drunk is awful realy isnt it, so much feeling sick and wasting time, its great to not HAVE to do it. How do you think you are managing to have cut down then is it sheer determination right now while you are waiting for the topa to kick in, I too liked the pins and needles because it told me it was starting to work so I see it is a possitive se. Yes I have also seen counsellors who just want to push AA, either because they go themselves or they are just told it is the place people should go, I know tho that as soon as they start talking about it I am not going to be able to work with them so I never see them again. I am lucky to yave found a therapist who doesnt push it although she did ask me if I went at first and I told her I had been for years and wanted nothing to do with it and she accepted that.

Sun are you going to try again with quitting both without using any aids like antabuse or nicotine patches. I respect your decision but do think you are making things harder on yourself than they have to be.

I took another half and antabuse last night, I have never taken them of a night before but decidec to because I have heard that they can add to daytime tiredness, which I have too much of already and also because I am so determined to stay off the booze. Before my thoughts where that I would stay off for as long as I wanted then return to drinking socially but thats not what I did is it, I had one drink while I was out for the meal then had the rest of the drinks at home alone which obviously isnt sociable so I failed really at what I wanted to achieve. Was it you Bri who said you get a buzz form sneaking booze, I hated doing that but every time I drink I have to do it because my eldest son has been so hurt and cant accept that I can drink safely because it didnt work in the past. Although I di know that getting at long last diagnosed and therefore treated for bipolar has been a big turning point and helped me a lot, I drank partly because I was such a mess and couldnt cope withlife but now see that I can start to learn how to live. I had cut down on a medication I take of a night because it causes daytime tiredness but that isnt working for me, not only am I not sleeping of a night without it which is probably something temporary and I would put up with but I have noticed that my obssesive thinking has come back and I cannot rist getting ill again.

Meggie how are you, please drop in I am getting a bit worried about you

space xox

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey, guys, I am still here. I have been so sick with a respitory thing. I haven't been this sick and tired in a long time. Must be viral because meds are not working, coughing, sneezing and tired. But still drinking. Stupid I know, and drinking too much. A couple days I couldn't tell if it was a hang over or the illness. Still on the 25 ml. Going slow, I have used it twice before and used it very slowly. I was able to quit at 75. I get such dopa feeling that I want to go slow.
I need to quit because too much going on in my life that I can't afford to be drunk at night and have those around that need me.
Losing a pet is a hard thing, they are the only ones you know that truely love you.

[bugpieper]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

bug here, day 7 no AL.
Space you are such a sweetheart, as far as I am concerned WaitingtoExhale can take her opinion and go to a different thread!!!! We don't need your Judgemental conjecture here!!!!!! I'm done.
Bri, it takes a while to get used to the topa, i mean a while like weeks, don't rush it and don't quit it, give it time...it does work ur doing great., keep posting, keep us informed and everyone will give you feedback as u have noticed.
Sun- You are SO strong and so wonderful, don't beat urself up. today is a new day. We all play these games in our heads with ourselves, u can overcome and u know it, it just wasnt the right day. I think maybe it's not something you can plan, it's something that u just feel when its right. U will know when its the right time. Love U..Bug

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

meggie;1539649 wrote:
Losing a pet is a hard thing, they are the only ones you know that truely love you.

Meggie that seems like such a sad thing to say, its like you have given up on love from people who can give you real love. Do you have children, I know you are married and if he has let you down it gives you a distorted view of things.

Anyway, sorry to hear you are so ill, it sounds very bad, and I too have been ill and drinking as well and know how sick that makes you feel, I used to know that drinking was making the illness worse and making it last longer but still couldnt even cut down. Its probably best to stay on 25mg until you feel better, its god you say that 75mg worked for you before because it gives you an idea f how long it will take this time, it should make you feel more possitive that the end is in sight even if you have to go slow to get there

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all, I have woken up this morning in bad pain, also my anxiety is bad and I know that I have been fighting the depression all week or more and it has exhausted me and left me in this state. Physically I feel awful, the pain meds have helped with the pain a bit but the anxiety feelings like the nerves ibn my spine are hangine out, my whole body feels like its crawling, im so itchy, my stomach feels like its moving ad expanding and squashing the rest of my organs ect ect. I also started hearing a fly following me around. When I feel like this I wished I still drankk and could use vodka to take all this away, to go to a place where the only thing that matters is the next drink and Im not responsible for anything. But I feel like I dont have that option anymore, I dont know why because I have not thought like this since I stopped drinking last year when I started taking the med but I could not go into that way of drinking because Im too aware of what Im doing and the thought of it repluses and disgusts me. So I am left in this horrible state.

I dont really know how Ive coped for so long with all the stuff with the benefits, my sons still hasnt had a penny since January and I am stuill only on a low rate, but the good news is that I have eventually got my appeal date through for the end of the month so hopefully mine will be reinstated but I am still having to keep my son. I am in so much debt to family, I had to break into my youngest sons birthday money that he got last week just to buy food and petrol and tobacco so when I get paid this week my money is all gone giving him that back. My mum and my aunt have been giving me money to pay bills and I am now in such a mess. I also have the tvlicensing people after me since I havent been able to pay that all year, the way I am thinking when they slap a thousand pound fine on me though is to ask the court can I serve the time in prison instead. I am sorry to have to go into all this on here but I do think that there is a place on this thread for us to be able to rant and say what is going on thats bad for us not just good.

Recently though I have been thinking whether I really am wanted on here anymore, I mean is anything I hasve to say actually relevant.Since the medication I take that seemed to help me s much does appears to be a fluke, by thast I mean I can only think that the part of my brain that is affected by my bipolar and is also helped by the med is the part of my brain that way causing me to drink, I know it is a lot more complex than that but I mean its thereabouts that. I also dont know of anyone else who has tried it to stop drinking and cant find anything about research for its usein this way. It is an entiepileptic medication the same as topamax so that could have something to do with it but I also take another antiepileptic med for pain, gabapentin and have found that had no effect on my drinking so maybe not. That was all a long winded way of sayng that the med I take and get help from is not used on here by anyone else and is not relevant to the med discussion on MWO. Therefore that fact that I do seem to have had success in stopping drinkingis that relevant? is it anything anyone wants to know about, I dont really think I give relvant advice about stopping drinking because it just happened for me, I founght no cravings or whatever, I believe it was a combination of the time and struggle for years of trying to do so0mething aboutmy drinking and the med I take so how can that be of help to others. Except for the past couple of w3eeks which where a bit unsettling and I used antabuse as an insurance really to prevent the drinking happening again

OH NO this is another of my big long boring posts. Having said all that I have decided that for me it is relevant that I am here, apart from the fact that I need to be I am now, for the first time ever really questioning whether I will ever be able to drink again. That was the thing I always wanted, my aim and my goal, to be able to become a normal person with problem drinking in my past but being able to drink when I wanted. I refuse to call myself an alcoholic as I believe that is a term made up by AA which I dont want to even think about never mind have anything to do with so I have to refer to it as problem drinking, or addiction or something I havent decided yet. The thing is I have fought tooth and nail to be able to do this, to reduce my drinking but I know dont think its possible, or even something I want to think about anymore. I thinkin a way I am grieving not just the loss of drink in my life but to end the whole struggle with it is leaving a huge gap. It sounds stupid but I do kind of miss that time last year when I started taking topa and was drinking lager every night, I was aiming for two cans but often ending up drinking four, I thought I had it craked but still somehow ended up on a bender, I regret stopping taking the topa and have wished I gave it a better go but I cant take it now because it interacts with the other med I now take. I still do miss drinking sometimes but I think about sitting in the sun with a cold glass of wine or beer, I think about just having one vodka and lemonade of an evening to relax me but that was not my reality, my reality was sneaking around trying to drink in secret which I hated.

I dont know why I wrote all this, just wanted to get it off my mind I suppose and because my head is in a mess right now and I need to at least beable to sort one area in my life which is the drinking, but I dont think the drink problem will ever truly go away, it will always be there in the background in one way or another.

sorry for once again taking up so much of this thread.

space x

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Okay - just a swift reply as I am in the garden and in the zone and if I stop I won't go back out. Space - I PM'd you. You are SO IMPORTANT to us here. I wish you knew how much we value you and love your posts. I hope that you will stay - the thread would just not be the same without you. I don't care one jot how long your posts are - I think sometimes it is just good to get it out. Plus ALL that you say can be relevant - you do not know how many people read this and think that what you say is so true..... you are wiser than you think. I also think it is good for you to just get it out. I know that you have Pm'd me back and said that you are staying but I just wanted you to know out here in front of God and everybody how much you mean to us.....

back to the sweltering garden - will post more later when I come in - am on a mission !!!! LOL

love and hugs, Sun XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I am not going to leave, I love you and need you all too much. Before I found this thread I was so alone and now Im not.

so much love to you all

space xxx

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I agree, Space--you are really important here! Glad you're not leaving us

So I guess I've done a whole lot of nothing this weekend, and feel a little guilty about it. Yesterday I went skating for a couple hours during the day, and then went down to a county fair with some old friends who I haven't seen in a long time, since I hadn't been driving. But now a I am, so drove down there to hang out. Well, the fair was not fun, and they are just as big of drinkers as they always were, which was actually really annoying. So I ended up DDing for everyone, and it just put me in a bad mood for the whole night--because of a lot of things, I think. The fair was stupid, and I would've been drinking a lot, so that was upsetting right off the bat. Though I did save A LOT of money not drinking. Then my friends, well they are sloppy, annoying, stupid drunks, when they really shouldn't be. I mean, a married couple, and they're lawyers, so you'd think they'd be a little more... composed. But they're not and so that put me in a bad mood, too. Oh well.

So today I slept in and did some work this afternoon, then fixed the crack in my car's windshield that I got from a rock or whatever on the drive yesterday, then went for a massage. I also feel guilty about that, but apparently my back was such a disaster that the masseuse was actually kinda making fun of me about it, and then at the end of the hour just gave up on the knots in my shoulders and said I'd have to come back again if I wanted her to work them out entirely. So, well, I do feel better, and might go back next weekend. But other people like work for a living and stuff, and so I hardly feel like I deserve to go, even though of course I'm paying for it and everything... Anyway, whatever.

So have some more work to do this evening, and then might go for a jog or at least a long walk, and back to work tomorrow.

Guess that's all my way of saying Hi everyone.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Dear Space,
Thanks for your post about how you feel and what you are going thru and you must take it on faith that this thread is so much more than what medication we are taking:h over time it has evolved into us being a family here where we share our innermost thoughts, pain, suffering, hopes and aspirations. Of course you will not leave us here to feel the loss of your beautiful loving spirit, we are all a coming together here of heart, mind and soul, all of us.

When you share your pain here it brings out the compassion in each of us and presents us with an invaluable opportunity to grow spiritually and I believe that we help each other along, we are all so blessed to have met here on this thread, so never doubt that you belong here and are loved.

Love You:h

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thank you stuck, sun and plat for such wonderful meaningful and kind words, I dont knoe how or why I implied I might leave because I dont think i could now even if I wated to, you are too deep a part of my life now. Play i know this htread is about so much more that a choice of med, I think right now what with going through therapy I only get one hour with her but am left with so much more I need to sort out and this is m safe place to do it it appears. The stuff I talk about on here I dont tell anybody else, apart form trust issues I dont think the would want to hear ir have a clue what Im talking about.

Stuck why do you feel guily about the way you spend your time. You used to spend it drinking and getting drunk so nw you are trying different things, the massage must have been relaxing and made you feel better so whats wrong with that, a bit of pampering does us all good. You said its because other people work for a living, I thought you work, you said in you post you wher working st the weekend so whats that about. Forget the couple who drink too much, just because someoone has a good job doesnt mean anything when it comes to drinking too much on occasion or full blown alcohol addiction. And dont forget we are the lucky ones, we get to be able to do something about it and have found help and support, most people spend their lives denying there is a problem and desparatly try to live around it.

I dont know if I have tod you all before or not bothered because this seems like such a long way off and Im very scred about something am starting to do. In October I start an open university degree, well I start the introduction year for people who havent studied for a long time, or in my case ever. I get all the workbooks through next month to start looking through to see what kind of work I will be doing and then as I say it start ptoprrly in October. I enrolled months ago and then tried not to think about it because it was such a long wait but I had some forms through the other day about funding, because Im on such a low income I dont have to pay fees, but its a loan and part of the agreement is that if I drop out then the total amount becomes payable. So long as I finish the course, even if I where to fail then I will only have to pay back once I got a job and earned over 15thousnad pounds a year, I didnt know about this part of the agreement before but have now signed it but its put me under pressure. Its only for the firsdt year right now though so not sonething to worry about relly and it is something else to motivate me to carry on when I feel like jacking the whole thing in, and I am guessing with me there will definaetly be times like that.

I am doing this because I need to do soething constructive with my life, I cannot work while my fibromyalgia and bipolar are both so unstable so I need something else. Not have an education is something that has always been there and I have always kind of envied the people who had an education and got the better joobs while I have always been a minimum wager. Even after doing this I woulkdnt know if it would ever lead to work considering my age but thats not why I want t do it anyway, I have always wanted to do it to proove to myself that I can, and I hope to enjoy it.

In anycase if I ever get stuck I can always get my friend Stuck to write my essays for me, I can just give you the information that needs to go in them and you can write them up correctly lol

x

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all

I havent read all the way back yet as I've just about acclimatised to Windsor again. Sorry that I didn't check in earlier, I did feel quite sick the first couple of days as the Virgin flight was too warm... and that breeds all sorts of flu and tummy bugs.

I've had a nice weekend with my hb - yesterday was our first montherversary and we did go out for a fancy meal. Luckily in Windsor thats just three minutes walk away but we are looking for bigger places in surrounding places.

I'm happy to see Space that you are doing so well and growing and even open to doing a degree! Thats amazing.:goodjob:

Sun, I'm sorry that you faltered but I'm sure you have it in you to get up again. How are you doing?

WTE, I've always wanted to see you back and I still do but like the rest I'm disappointed by the way you've chosen to express yourself. I really don't think Sun is the type of person who will make this decision lightly and I do think that the dog must be suffering a lot as well. Again, its not what you've said, it is a highly charged subject, but how you said it.

Unfortunately I now have to clean up the flat as hubby's not terribly good at housekeeping. In a way I'm glad this is still as small place so the damage can be contained to a few square metres.

I'll still catch up with everyone else - love and hugs to you all.

:h:h:h