New here and starting Topa and with a question

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space, I know you won't give up the site. I see from your posts you are able to vent and express your heart. That is good. You have much on your plate, health issues, money issues and this devil drink. My husband's family is full of bipolar and it has recked havoc on relationships and the ablilty to work. It is not their fault but when the meds are not right it is hard to live with.
Space, you mentione d my comment about the love of a pet. That type of love never lets you down, and they don't expect anything from you. Yes, I have wonderful children, and we love each dearly but it still is work.
Bri, still on the 25, have been drinking less. Hope it continues, I need to quit by the end of the month. I am so sick of taking care of others and not myself, but everytime I try to something come up and I am back to taking care of that person again. Oh, well.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dizzy, good to "see" you, a word f advice tho about the hubby being messy, start as you mean to go on, if he drops it let it say there until he picks it up, your his wife not his maid. I know its hard and you want everything to be nice being newly married. Are you going to be looking for another place to live now, will you get somewhere with some outside space, I know property is expensive down there but could you have a smaller indoor living space to have a bit outdoors I know you used to love gardening. Another thought tho is are there any allotments around there, there is often high demand and you have to put your name on the list but the sooner you do that the sooner you might get one. You can grow your veggies there and have a place just for you with maybe a little shed to keep your stuff in and even sit in if you ever need to escape the stresses of everyday life. Best not drink wine in there tho it could turn into a habit. I could imagine if I had had one I would have ended up with a plot full of weeds and me passed out in the shed LOL

Meggie thanks for telling me you have knowledge of bipolar, it helps when people know about it and understand what it does. I do find it hard to explain to people how hard it can be to live with, especially withh my sons here because I hate it that it effects them as well. I have told them that when Im not feeling well I need to be on my own and they know to just leave me because I dont want them seeing me in a bad way, because of that when I feel better I do try to spend more time with them. I did have a bad day yesterday but today felt better and was able to get up and go out. I do understand about looking after others although maybe not as much as you. When my eldest son was youner I was the only person who could be with him and I could never take my eyes off him. Having said that you MUST take some time to look after yourself. Taking on all the stress and trying to just look after others all the time is causing you to not be able to get your drinking undercontrol and as a result you are wasting time drinking, if that makes sense, it is counterproductive. I dont know who it is you look after but you do need to find a time in the day for just you. even if its just to have a cup of tea and sit in queite for 10 minutes to gather your thoughts. You know if you dont look after youself then if anything should happen to you then where will theey be,.. Can you cut down drinking first or are you intending to just stop. Did you say you are still on 25mg, havent you been on that for a while or am I mistaken, when are you going to go up to 50mg. The reason I am asking is you have got a few weeks before your deadline and that gives you time to get to 75mg which I think is a good dose to be hoping for the topa to kick in, although of course everyone is different.
On you quit eeek can you arrange it so you can go for a massage or get your hair done or something really nice for you and relaxing, if you casnt get out even just watch a film with snacks undisturbed.

I have just got really tired so I will get iff for now.

space xox

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning everyone.

gosh - a lot of posts !

Meggie - so good to see you but I am sorry that you seem to be going through so much and yes I agree with Space that what you said about animals loving us was very sad - sounds like you feel unloved right now. I hope that you manage to get over your respiratory thing too - that can't help in the slightest! You have to put yourself first or else you are no good to the others - sounds like you need a hug to me :l:l I hope you soon feel better.

Space - I think your OU course sounds wonderful and good for you for trying it. I think it will be wonderful for you to have something to focus on - concentration is so good for you. And as for paying it back if you drop out - well - just don't drop out ! Keep going with it and if you should drop out, well, the chances of your getting a job as you said, are slim, so I wouldn't worry about it. Just go for it !! I think it is a great idea for you.

Dizzy - so good to see you again - and you are back in UK !! Laughed about hubs leaving stuff everywhere.... and space said some wise things to that! Yes, I did falter but am back on the horse today again - going for both smoking and drinking and will do this ! I have some really good support and just need to work through any bad feelings and emotions that come up instead of caving !!

Play - lovely to see you here again too - enjoyed our chat last night. You are sounding much more positive about things which is wonderful.

Hi there Stuck - I am so proud of you for still not drinking. You have been amazing with it and to go out with people who are drinking and getting drunk - especially now you have your license back - well, kudos to you. Maybe you should find some new friends !!

And of course you deserve to go and have a massage! why ever shouldn't you? you work for your money and that seems a good way to me to spend it instead of on Drink.

Well, I need to get ready for work. Day 1 again, put out good strong thoughts for me everyone.

Hugs, Sun X

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good luck on day 1 Sun Im rooting for you, you show you are strong by deciding to do this and going for it. If I had the courage I would go for it with the smoking Im just not strong enough

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey y'all -
I've been reading for an hour and have sooooooooo much to comment on and say. So glad to see everyone's posts. I have been in & out all summer...will come back tomorrow and comment and update. ACK - remind me not to stay away so long!! 10 - 15 pages is a LONG read!! I've missed you all - good stuff going on

And all this is so very therapuetic...try talking to someone about this website?? Impossible. Saying something like, "I am on a website with people who struggle with their drinking..." doesn't work except for my best sistuh/friend. Still...can't mention it often.

I'll come back tomorrow and write a nice long post, catching up! Was so good to read/skim thru your posts the last few weeks. I slowed down for most, skimmed thru others...it's a kick in the butt to try and catch up!! Plus I'm totally in to "Mad Men"!!! Have been going to bed early w/ a vodka rocks to watch this epic series! OMG - love it!!

Glad it is mostly an "alls well" deal on here...but hell, I went to Vegas by myself after my HS birthday party/reunion...UGH. 'nuff said for now!

More later ~

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Houtx - SO good to see you !! yes, it is rather daunting when it is a while and you see how much you have missed I know..... anyway, look forward to your coming back and posting a proper post. How are you doing? Are you still using the AB?

My day one yesterday was great! I felt good and it went well. I even slept well last night which amazed me !!

hugs, Sun XX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Houxt good to see you back

Sun Im so please that yesterday went so well for you, many more good days to come

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I have caved. AGAIN. But tomorrow is a new day - right ??? Tomorrow I pick myself up and dust myself off and get back on the wagon.

Hugs, Sun XX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun you are showing wonderful fighting spirit and I believe that with these days you are getting success do all count and you will succeed in this.

space xox

ps. I know you want to do this without any outside aids but is there no way you would consider using antabuse just for a little while. Kind of like having training wheels on a bike for a bit.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space - you are such a sweetheart! No - I will not use the AB - I was fine yesterday and once I get over this I will be okay. I should NOT have caved today but I did ..... but as I said, tomorrow is another day. I WILL do this ! Really I will. just needed a little help today, that was all. Yesterday was so good - I can and will do this. I have talked with my therapist about ways to cope with it when i quit and I should have coped today but i didn't. I WILL tomorrow !!! Really !!!

Much love and many hugs, Sun XXX

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well I promised a post, and here one is...but alas, not as long as I'd like. I took notes on everyone and planned to make comments on your posts just as so many of you do. But I'm too pooped to really spend much quality time, so will try again tomorrow! Let me just say my daughter's DR upped her dose to 100 mgs b/c her headaches have not gotten better. If you recall, she got prescribed Topa @ 50 mgs right away...her appetite decreased a bit, and she was super tired all the time, plus some tingles. Just weird, IMO...no titrating up, just boom: 50 mgs.

More later -

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone

I know what you are saying about picking up after him Space, but he is also working very long days while I have a maximum of two hours a day at the moment so it only feels fair that I do the bulk of the house work. Whether he will do the same if I'm the main breadwinner remains to be seen. I also think we may have a problem when we both work full time as I then would like to have some sort of cleaning service but typical man he doesn't want strangers coming in but he also doesn't clean.

He is a very good breadwinner and currently its not much effort to do the housework so its a win for both of us.

Nice to see you Houtx, I knew there was someone around here that I missed!

Thinking of you Sun :l

Space, we saw a place in Maidenhead that's really nice, two beds and a patio, so fingers crossed. Maidenhead is still sleepy like Windsor but slightly more affordable. We'll have to give a month's notice here though so I doubt we'll get that place but at least we agree on what we want. An office cum bedroom and a patio, preferably double storey so we have a bit more privacy. These places are just minute and if we have guests the two storeys really work to create a sense of space.

Some places in Reading, where we also looked (but walked into a bunch of football hooligans...) has three levels so you can have an office on the third floor, but they're a bit weird in the sense that the bathroom is off the kitchen so if you wake up in the middle of the night you'll have to climb up and down stairs to go to the loo.

Meggie, my mom has terrible bipolar and the doctor says I have it although I'm not very sure, I just think I have hard to treat depression. The only thing that makes me think that it might be slight case of bipolar is that Topamax makes me a bit manic although nothing else has ever made me feel that way. Anyway, its an awful burden, my mom has late onset and we just keep wishing for her to 'snap out of it' but she sometimes spends up to nine months in the low cycle, where we all know her normal phase as her up cycle.

I better start working, hubby went to work so late that I'm really running behind. He's been working until 8 or 9PM this whole week, so I didn't have the heart to kick him out as he he seemed as happy as a little boy playing truant and enjoying Star Trek in his PJ's.

Love and hugs to all,
:l:l:l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Dizzy great to hear from you asnd you sound so happy in your new life. I understand about cleaning up after hubby when he is working long hours and actually agree that its fair for the partner who is at home to do the bulk of the housework, having been on my own most of my adult life I know how bad it is to come in froj work only to start on the house. I wonder what high powered job you will have to be the main wage earner, can you tell us?

I hope you find the home you like, are you renting or buying, I have never bought a house only rented but think it must be such a big decision because it is so much more home if you get me whereas I think a rented home can be taken away from you so its more temporary and harder to settle.

I dont know if you have bipolar dizzy, the fact that you are not sure and that you never went manic and just high on topa I makes me think your mania is a reaction to the drug, if you think it is making you manic then you should see your doctor about it it doesnt sound right. My psychiatrist says being manic is actually physically damaging to the brain. Topa is not generally used as a mood stabiliser here because its not very effective. I knew for sure I had bipolar the hardest thing was getting a referral to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me immediately. For me bipolar has affected my life to a horrible extent, when manic my behaviour, decision makeing and spending are all out of control, I dont sleep, cant sit still or relax but produce very little. I have fantasstic ideas to start businesses which will earn me loads but are actually crap ideas. One regret that I have to live with everyday is giving up a lovely big house with a big garden with trees and everything for this shoeboox we now squeeze into, that isnt my worst thing but is just an example. I then crash exhausted into depression where I am literally suicidal, when on antidepressants they caused me to overdose I dont know how many times, my last depression left my lying in bed for three months unable to even wahs or get dressed

Hi Houxt I cant wait for you big post

Once again I have done a long post when I just meant to pop on for a minute. Today I had non stop obssessive thoughts about stuff and ended up wanting to just get a bottle of vodka, wait until my son was asleep and drink the lot, I took a half an antabuse and then almost immediatly regretted taking it because then I didnt have the option of getting drunk. I know I havent been too well mentally recent;ly, hence all the way to long posts and need to be extra careful. Yesterday I waent and spent most of the food money on other stuff for the house, really bits of useless tat, today I had to return some of it that I didnt use last night so I could go and buy some food,

got to go teas cooking

space x

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good day to everyone.

No drinking yesterday and it was fine. I also slept well which surprised me. I think something has changed in my head regarding the attitude to drinking - anyway, onwards !

Dizzy - I understand with him working and you having more time. Now hubs is retired and I am still working full time he does the housework - years ago when i was home with the children I did it and didn't expect him to.

Sounds like a plan, you looking for somewhere else to live - I know it is hard there to find places that are nice and reasonably priced though.

Houtx - still looking forward to your long post - you will be back at school soon so you need to do it soon - LOL. Yes, odd about the doc just upping your daughters Topa - I suppose we are used to the titration schedule for it though.

Hi there Space - Good for you popping the AB before you could think about getting the vodka - I am so proud of you for doing that! Wonderful! When do you see your therapist again? I am sorry that you have been feeling off again recently - you have been sounding really good really. Anyway - just keep posting and talking! I do think it helps......

Have to get ready for work now - love and hugs to all,

love, sun XX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning .... another AF day yesterday and it was fine. No cravings and I slept well. I am finally feeling good about this in that I know I can do it......

have a wonderful weekend all,

love, Sun XX