New here and starting Topa and with a question

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

So yes...no drinking on the Sunday as it was a bit tricky...and I can't even up my Topa dosage as I don't even have enough. I am waiting on my doc to fax back a refill prescription. Another weekend is almost upon us.
The weeks have been rather quite and I have been keeping busy...but today I got into a fight with my boyfriend and I usually don't know how to cope with that other then by drinking...there is booze at my house (of course!! why not?!!) but I know I really don't want to drink. I also know that I really don't want to go home. I just want to kinda go to sleep.

I keep asking people what they do when they go home...I mean...don't people get bored doing the same thing? Then again...how could I have not gotten bored just drinking my life away every night, Jesus...
I'm not sure if I feel a little depressed I don't have my drinking buddy - wine - with my anymore? Then again I am glad I kicked his ass to the curb...I know it's the habit more than anything.
I miss the laughs with my boyfriend too I guess...I know things are better between us...but then again I also think that sometimes things may be a bit strained...he hated that I drank...but maybe he hates the sober me too...
Ugh. I can't figure things out. I know it's too early. But...
It's just one of those days.
One of those emotional days.

And I'm hungry and I don't want to eat because I'm fat. :boohoo:

-Bri*

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi bug I know what you are talking about with debilitating anxiety it is truly awful and I hope you do get help with it soon

Hi Sun hpe your still going strong although I think you are, what have you decided on the smoking are you stopping or not?

Hi Dizzy lovely to hear from you and glad your settling into married life, also that your not rushing or stressing over the baby decision. Yes Bournmouth is probably the retirement capital of the UK, Ive only been there once but it is a nice place, it has a quite nice beach so if you can pay that a visit, there are also plenty of normal age people there as well.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Bri well arnt you doing great you should be so proud of yourself, you also used to do the same thing every night like other peeps do it was just that your same thing was drink, maybe you could look up evening classes or excercise classes or take up a hobby, you will soon start to fill your time up. For me there was some kind of grieving process to giving up the drink and it sounds like that for you maybe. You know that these things will settle down, you and your boyfriend wil be able to find a better relationship now. I hope your doc hurries up and faxes that script to you so you dont just have to struggle on it does sound like you need to go to 125 soon.

As for me I did drive to Wales yesterday which I am very proud of and also went on a walk which I am also proud of although paying for that today with pains. Doing that yesterday though has got me wanting to carry on doing more stuff. I have booked for us all to go to a climbing wall place next week although I casnt really see myself being able to do it but it was the same price for 5 as it was for 4 they had an offer on. I am now so tired but have to go out as I have lots to do.

Love space x

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Way To Go Space!!!

Love You All and will try to catch up soon.

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks Space!
I'm trying to be proud of myself...but it can be hard sometimes. I am trying to fill up my time. I am a full time student on top of my full time job so I study most of the night...
My doc FINALLY faxed over my new script...but now I am going to wait until Wednesday to up my dosage...or should I just up it anyway?

I am feeling a little fragile right now. I have been getting into arguments with close people around me. A lot of them having been telling me that I am a b*tch all the time...they've been telling me this for a long time now...I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was always drunk and just a massive a-hole...but now that I am not drinking I thought I was better...what gives?
I wanna cry...what's worse...is I want to drink. My confidence and self-esteem is down in the tubes. I think to myself if I am such a hateful a-holeish person than what the heck is the point?
I'm just really sad. Maybe I need a good cry.
I'm also sick of being compared to other people. Why do people insist on comparing me to others? Why can't I just get the support I need and why do people keep calling me a gawddamn drama queen? I am struggling with a freakin' addiction here!!

Am I just feeling sorry for myself??

Other then that, I am glad you're well Space...I'm glad everyone is doing well here so far.
Happy Friday.
Maybe I'll hide under the covers tonight...need to stay away from the drink.
Because I have a feeling I might succumb with all these emotions I am dealing with right now.

Bri.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks Play xx

Bri everything you are going though is pretty normal I reakon, please try not to let others get you down you will be feeling fragile for a while and need to give yourself some loving care. Why are you waiting until next wednesday until you up your dosage, did you only just increase this week if not then I dont understand I thought you had been on 100 for longer than a few days. My thinking is that if you can go up then do it, it should help with the wanting to drink and that would be a relief and let you get on with the other things that are bothering you. Also, I know you work and study, which is a massive thing for anyone to do but is there any chance that you could take a bit of time off to just have that good cry and stay under the covers, a couple of films and some ice cream and chocolate can work majic sometimes.
Who are you being compared to?

Ive not had a good nights sleep again, I dont know whats been going on with my sleep but its starting to get me down now. I am exhausted of a day because of it and its one thing that I used to have going in my favour was that I slept ok and now thats gone Im not coping well. I am doing all the right things to help myself but its not working. Apart from that Im ok, I had a thought the other day which was pretty profound, just out of the blue I thought that I hated what my addiction had done to me and my family. after I realised that was the first time I had ever really thought that I had always hated myself for what I had done to myself and my family.

I am in bad pain this morning by the way from the walk but then what did I expect, I knew before I did it that would happen but I want to try and do some more stuff and try to get fitter and stronger.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Good Morning everyone.

Bri - I would wait to up your dosage until the proper day ... simply because I found it never helped to jump ahead. For some reason, the Topa works better when you take it slowly. I found the same thing when I stopped drinking for the 8 months - what to do with my time. Even though I had stuff to do - you need to change your mindset. Your are so used to drinking being such a huge part of your lfie that it is hard to not have it there. you have to take that mindset out of your mind - easier said than done I know. this time I HAVE taken it out and most days I am either reading or doing stuff in the house.

I am sorry that you are getting into arguements with folk and that you are feeling fragile - you are going through such a massive change. They don't understand what it is like for you - until they have been in the same place, they never will. Just take it one day at a time and BREATHE. Things will get better - really they will.

And if you do give in, it is okay - the Topa is working and you will get back on track. Just hang in there and know you are a wonderful person no matter what anyone else says or who they compare you to. As long as YOU know, that is all that matters.

keep posting and venting - it does help - and we are all here for you. :l:l to you......

Space - sorry you are having trouble sleeping right now. That is something i have never had a problem with but can imagine how awful it must be. Well done you on driving to Wales !! For someone scared of driving that is one heck of an acheivement. Also the walking but it is a shame that you are in so much pain from it. The wall climbing sounds fun..... is it a long drive for you to get to it?

Hi there Dizzy - Lucky you getting to see the sea. I SO miss it but in a few weeks I will be seeing it too - I am so excited ! Hope that you have fun with hubs brother... How is the drinking going?

Space - you asked about the smoking. It is a work in progress - I WILL have stopped by the time I go to UK, that much I do know. It is annoying me that i am still doing it - LOL - the drinking seemed easy compared to the smoking whereas it used to be the other way round. I will get there, the same as I did with the drinking!!

Hi there Play - I know things are going well with you but nice to see you anyway!

Well, off to water the garden - going to be another really hot one.

Hugs to all, Love, sun XX

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space - I've been on the 100mg for almost two weeks now...I decided not to up it until "my Wednesday's" because I didn't have enough...my doc finally filled my script up yesterday and Wednesday's are the days that I up my dosages so I figured I will wait to up it the extra 25mg.
I know this sounds silly but yesterday I just got into a bit of a tiff with my Ma and sometimes I just can't help but feel like I am being compared with my Sister...she is more successful than I am right now...she drives and everything and has a better job...I mean...I gained all this weight and have nothing to show for anything except being a drunk and...I just don't know...like I said, fragile state right now.
I guess I could take some time off the school/work thing but I am kinda struggling with it as is. And that is what is overwhelming me too. I get up at 5am...go to work...and by the time I'm done work and get home it's nearly 7pm. I gotta make dinner, eat, take the pup out for a walk, it's nearly 8-9 by this time...then I gotta try and study and I still have to shower and get myself read for bed...
It's funny because since I quite drinking I feel like I have NO time to do anything but when I think back when I did drink I think I had all this time in the world to do it. How sad is that? I wasted all this precious time. I could have been studying instead of drinking. Wow. Alcohol is somethin' else.
But I should take a weekend where I should just be in bed with a pint of ice cream and just watch depressin' movies or something. I kinda am thinking the boyfriend should go and hang with his friends during this time too.

You're right Sun - alcohol was a huge daily part(y) of my life for the past four years every single day. On weekends too...sometimes starting at 9am! Right now it's 11am on a Saturday morning and when I think back on how sometimes I used to start drinking around this time I feel sick to my stomach.
But thanks Sun (and everyone else) for allowing me to vent on here, it does really help. I really do think that the Topa is helping lots...
I do know that I have to really take it a day at a time...actually, I don't want to say that anymore...I am trying to be more mindful (reading a new book now) and want to take it a moment at a time now.
I also know that I just really need to work on ME...and there are going to be so many people that won't understand and there is NO SENSE in trying to get them to understand.
There are also going to be so many people that I just can't explain it to.

Space - I'm not having trouble sleeping, I'm actually always tired, which is pissing me off because I'm always nodding off. Wanna trade?
Have you tried Valerian or Melatonin??
Exercise is good for you though and it should help you with the sleep. Sore is good. I've been walking more but I need to push myself a bit more. I always feel good after working out.
I have a sorry excuse for a gym in my apartment. A room the size of my bathroom, with a treadmill and bike. I AM NOT JOKING.
Are you trying to quit smoking too? I must have missed that. I used to smoke...7 years...now I am smoke-free...over 3 years now.

Sun, I am glad to hear you are doing well. Gardening away this weekend, are we? I wish I had a little garden. I live in a condo. I have a little potted plant out there right now on the balcony.......it's pretty much dead. :/ No sense in buying more though...I live in Canada...September is a week away...Winter is around the corner.

It is Saturday...
Saturday is my toughest days as the boyfriend loves to unwind and these are our days to try new recipes and watch movies and our shows and have some wine...this is my hardest day to say no...every other day I can...I don't want to. Last Saturday I really barely drank...we'll see how tonight goes...I guess maybe it's a slow thing that'll cease to exist eventually.
Anyways...
As always. Would love to hear from more people. I keep rambling away on here.

Love to all and happy weekend.
Bri.*

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Bri - it is me that is trying to quit smoking ! I quit for 20 years some time ago, then started again - quit for 8 months then started again - and am now trying to stop again FOR GOOD !!! It is a work in progress and I will have stopped by the time I go to England (13th september). Hopefully way before then .....

I get up at 5.00 am too - and am usually up before the alarm but go to bed early. I usually take a melatonin - have done for years and one day will stop those too - LOL. What is the book that you are reading? I agree with taking a minute at a time - anything that helps...... but I do think you are doing really well. When the Topa helped me I continued drinking until I really didn't want to - so I really admire you for not drinking when you want to. Go you. The Topa starts working but then it will REALLY help - and you won't even want to drink.

And yes, people just won't understand - there is no point in trying to explain it to them - best to just keep quiet and do it your way - things will work out in the end.

As for being compared to your sister - been there and done that - and have dealt with it and feel good about myself now. She has her problems too and in many ways I feel sorry for her as in the long run I think I have it better than her. So - no worries about being compared to anyone else - okay? YOU are wonderful!

Nope - no gardening today - way too hot outside - temps in the 90's with humidity to match - I live in the midwest and we have had a second summer hit us this week. It is going to get even hotter next week - I intend to get out early tomorrow morning around 7.00 and work out there for a few hours before the temps get up into the 90's. I love my garden and enjoy being out there - but not in this heat. I watered first thing this morning as the garden is crying out for it - we have had no rain at all for ages. Shame about your pot plant..... what was it ?

keep rambling away - I love reading your posts !

hugs, Sun XXX

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Quick question for you all - not that there are many of us - but I have been clearing out cupboards and have 2 unopened bottles of Kudzu Rescue from MWO that I do not need nor want - can anyone here use them? I don't want any money for them - it just seems a shame to throw them away.......

Sun XX

[Funny Girl]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sunny - I'm back . . . maybe I'll take the Kudzu. .. I'd pay you for it. PM me.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there funnygirl - I have Pm'd you but I don't want any money for it....

love, sun Xx

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi again, its quiet but its good that the three of us are posting, I do like to hear from you Bri and read what you say, I feel like Im getting to know you and thats really nice. And of course it goes without saying that I like hearing from you dear sun, I feel like your an old friend now

Bri I klnow my relationship with my mum has always been tricky and I think that is true for a lot of people that mother daughter relationships can be the most emotionally draining and difficult relationships we can have in our lives. The getting compared thing used to hurt me so much, I have a brother who is officially a genious, one of those people with very high IQ's and he sailed through school and university, got a good job and made my mum proud. I on the other hand was not acadeimaley good at all, I left school with no certificates and have done minimum wage jobs all my life, I hasd a dissasterous marriage and was divorced before I was 30 and have always lived in social housing rented houses. I became addicted to alcohol took cocaine got arrested and spent nights in cells so I never made her proud, whenever she talks to anyone she always tells them about my brother and probably doesnt say too much about me.

Sorry I started rambling on about me again, Bri you have so much to be proud of, you work hard, you study you are changing your life for the better and you are a wondrful person, whats not to be proud of. Im not surprised you are tired all the time, I do hope you can take the weekend tho to re-energise and relax, you desreve it.

Sorry Ive got ot go now this wa supposed to be a quick dash though.

love space x

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi All,
I must say it is wonderful to have new people join the site, sad because of the predicament but good that you found this thread as there is so much loving support and also information here.

Well I know I haven't been around much and I'm going to try to keep in touch more as I know it is important for us to keep posting even when things change. By change I'm just meaning change for me I guess.
My whole life has changed now and I'm spending almost all of my free time listening to David R Hawkins CDs, doing A Course In Miracles, doing Buddist meditations from the book "loving Kindness" by Sharon Salzburg, so in general I have pretty much dedicated my life now to spiritual enlightenment. I've always done some work in that area in the past but now it is just taking me over all of this work has resulted in the startling loss of desire to drink, so my life has indeed changed. And the more I am AL free, the more energy I seem to have for this work, it is stunning.

If anyone is curious about any of the above things, just google them and read.

Hi Bri, I've been reading your posts lately and really feel for you in your frustration. All I can say is that we each have to keep searching for the inner strength to help ourselves and it really takes total commitment and just not stopping. As far as the Topa and you, I believe that you have to put in some will power with it and you are doing that. It has to build up over time and has a very subtle effect but you can be sure it is having an effect to lessen the cravings. I also can cause a type of brain fog and yes weight loss sometimes. And as Sun said if you stop taking it you will probably not have the same success the next time around. Just hang in there I guess. I think Space and Sun are giving you just perfect advice and I 2nd everything they have told you.

And my dear Space, I think you are just doing so well, getting out more and finally have a good therapist that you really connect with. You are such a strong and determined person so just keep plugging away:h

Meggie, I hope you are finding some relief as I hear how desperate some of your posts have been, I send you my prayers and love.

Bug, have you seen the specialist yet?

Welcome to Downsouth and Funny Girl

Dizz thinking of you all the time and I've decided on my next trip to Spain I am making it a priority to visit both you and Space, no worries about lodging I can certainly figure out a hostel but it's time we meet up:h

Hi Houtx, hope you are good with school.

Guess I will close for now so just keep working at it and things will change.

Love,
Play

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Play - what a lovely post - you sound so positive and happy ! I am so with you on the spiritual path - it makes such a difference in my life.

Funnygirl - why don't you come back and join us again? We are a great support group and you used to be here - how are you doing?

Space - if we were all the same, it would be a really boring world. You are special in your own way - just 'cos your brother is smart doesn't mean that you are any less wonderful than he is. We all have a different path to tread. All my siblings are so different - we all have our own things. I used to feel very inferior to them but no more. I am as good as them - the same as you and your brother. Never feel that you are not good enough - you are a wonderful soul.

Off for now - love and hugs to all,

Sun XXX