New here and starting Topa and with a question

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh poor you sun having to have that in while in work, it cant be comfortable Ihope its out by the time you read this.

Candle the rehab I went to as an in patient was in an NHS hospital and really it was just like staying in hospital but with groups of a day about drinking and what to do when we leave and how to fill in time stuff like that, it was good really and I quite liked it, the plus with that as well that as it was in hospital they also did medicated detox which I needed and it was staffed by nurses, I became very unwell one night with dt's and was hallucinating and didn't know where I was and they where there to help me. Thye could also do blood work ect.

Then I went back to drinking and went to a 12 step out rehab but didn't stay there just went every day from 9-5 for three months. It was awful really and really damaged my self esteem, that's probably why I didn't just leave, the staff believed in bullying and forcing the 12 step message, you have to do this or you will die kind of thing. I will never go to 12 step again no matter what happens, I used to like the idea of going to meetings of an evening, getting out and being with people but its just not worth it because of the other stuff I would go in feeling fine and come out feeling like shit and want a drink.

I have had a horrible day all caused by some pig of a man in Asda, my local supermarket, I don't want to repeat the whole thing but I was at customer services and he was in the quew behind me, he started telling me to hurry up, I told him it would take as long as it takes and he just carried on being very abusive it was awful, then when he had been seen to by another clerk he walked off shouting f off to mewhen the security guard got involved and told him to stop swearing so he kicked off on him as well then he came back in demanding to see the manager to complain about me because the guard told him if he didn't stop they would get the police, the security guard told him he was barred out of the shop and go0t head of security, by this time I had finished being seen to and left the shop, I was shaking and still feel sick now, I don't even feel like I can eat my tea I just feel sick in my stomach, the man was off his head and I know I shouldn't let idiot scumbags like that upset me and take room in my head but I cant help it, thank god I don't drink because this would make me even more ill. it keeps on going through in my mind tho.

space x

The second one

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Space I'm sorry. Fuck that guy. That's just terrible and I'm sorry it happened and is taking up space in your evening now.

That's all, I guess. Thanks for talking about your experience in rehab, though. It's helpful to hear. :l

[CandleInTheWind]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Space - I agree with Stuck - Fuck Him - but I do know how upsetting it can get - it really gets under your skin. But you called it right, the guy probably has some mental illness and you were just the poor sucker in his line of sight...

Thanks for the Rehab insight - I guess I've seen too much US TV and Betty Ford clinic stuff - of course I can't imagine NHS doing an equivalent HaHaHa.

General question - is "being a bit more than usually grumpy" a withdrawal symptom? I haven't really looked them up - maybe I should - I'm sure they are on the site somewhere.

Finally, had a not so Good Friday (I've a feeling Fridays are going to be my B?te Noir - and this must be behavioural not chemical dependency, right?). I finished a bottle of wine, whereas I'd been quite happily down to a half during the week. Feel fine this morning (so resistance is still up there, or maybe normal people would be un-hungover (hungunder?) dunno. I guess this Is s'thing Topa cannot help with. So need a displacement activity for Fridays Ironically I avoided 2 offers of evenings out as they were both going to be boozy - especially one the theme being "can you drink your hourly rate in alcohol at Cheap Charlie's in an hour. ". You can see I am not the only one with a drinking problem in Bangkok!!

Must go now - moving apartments this weekend so busy, busy.

Take care all you lovely people,

CitW xxxx

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh, man, I used to have this online job where I could work on my laptop pretty much whenever and wherever I wanted. And I did drink my hourly rate--while working. It was great. You totally should've gone to happy hour!

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi stuck and thanks for giving me that bit of support, it helps

You too candle thanks, its like its one thing knowing he was just a nasty arsehole with an problem and to forget it but then its another thing doing it. Im over it now

I had forgotten about the being grumpy, short tempered, narky, irritable thing until you just mentioned it, it may not be an official withdrawal symptom but was deffinately something that happened to me, it doesn't last too long I don't think. And the Friday thing, yep that's behavioural as well Im glad you didn't go to the happy hour it would have been crap, how do I know? I just do you missed out on nothing Find another Friday distressing thing to do, either go out to the movies or for something to eat or whatever or plan a nice evening in with good food and a film or book or whatever you like. I have just ordered a load of essential oils stuff of amazon and am hoping that by creating a more relaxing atmosphere it will help us all. Ive got no one to give me a massage tho any takers stuck??

[CandleInTheWind]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Ok Stuck, so you could drink your hourly rate while earning your hourly rate.... I'm thinking you weren't saving much during that time. Or eating. Or anything really. Fun job though!

And Space you are missing the point to Stuck's handle ( or whatever it is you young people call your on -line pseudonyms these days) - he is Stuck in LA and unless LA is " Lower Ambridge" and you are in "Upper Ambridge " I'm thinking you will be better off looking elsewhere for a massage buddy ( you brazen hussy you).

Hands- up - who here is also being treated for Depression? I am (or was, kicked the anti-d's for various reasons). AL s a depressant, right. So we're depressed, cos we generally present to docs as depressed (that's why we drink) as opposed to we drink (that's why we're depressed)... Interested in thoughts on the matter - I'm wondering if, as a society (and a really tricky, confusing, challenging, 'not what we are physiologically designed for' one at that), we should get better at accepting emotion, depression, weakness, etc and not try and medicate it away... Just a rambling thought really..

CitW xxxx

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Candle stuck has come on in leaps and bounds since he first joined the site and thought up his handle, he may be able to travel nowadays, worth asking anyway

Ooooo you keep bring up some very deep and valid discussions on here,and I have some kind of OCD that compels me to answer I do tend to get on my high horse a bit about the whole antidepresant and depression thing probably because major depression is a very real and very debilitating illness and should therefore be treated as such and treated with modern medication, unless your one of these mad people who don't believe in medicine or chemistry and think its all the devils work. Unfortuantely antid's are also probably the most overprescribed drugs today so people who didn't need them in the first place start taking them, don't like the se's or whatever, of course they don't they didn't have a servere illness in the first place that they needed relief from in order to put up with the se's and then think they have done really well coming of them and treat it as if theve beaten some form of addiction which may well be true I do actually think they are addictive drugs in that you can get physical and phschological withdrawals from them, I did not like getting off them myself, but that attitude is one that leaves the people who actually benefit from them to treat their illness feeling bad because they take them and therefore feel weak. IMHO. I know in some 12 step groups there was an idea that you whernt clean until you got off the antid's as well as the drink and drugs, like I quit the drink, I quit the coke and now Ive quit the antid's which to me is like saying I quit the drink so Im now going to stop taking my angina and epiliepsy medication as well so I can feel better.

None of this is the fault of the people who have been misdiagnosed and got the bad info to begin with. That's the fault of the doctors.

Alcohol is a depressant in that it slows down our central nervous system which is what makes us feel more relaxed when we drink and what effects our ability to function and think as well, it is not that it in itself causes depression the illness it just makes us feel like crap when we have too much. But it is used as most drugs are to make someone feel better, but in the case of alcohol and street drugs its not to feel better from an illness but just feel better. The fact that society accepts alcohol doesn't actually make it a different kind of drug. Humans have probably been trying to change the way they feel by using chemicals either natural or synthetic since we began. That wanting to feel better seems to be part of human nature, like wanting to have more, wanting to be more as in beautiful, powerful, rich, faster, stronger, more intelligent, and it is all to fit into a society that humans have created but then don't like so have to constantly try to change. There are far better ways of fitting into an unnatural world as we do but changing our feelings chemically by drinking or drugging seems soo much easier, more pleasant at the time and probably less time consuming. Plus how many of us are taught about all this shit, I am one who actually believes we are not really cut out for living the way we do but cant seem to teach my children how to deal with it so what chance does anyone (like me) whose parent thinks its natural to live in this modern society and unnatural to have problems with it going to stand.

Lots of people would probably benefit from improving how they deal with emotion, lots wouldn't want to tho, they don't need to and who the hell would want to put themselves under the insecurity of change if they didn't have a reason. But then there are millions of people who do already try to deal with coping already, they exercise, eat well, join a cult, watch tv, read books get god/religion/get spiritual (I don't know the difference so I have to put them together) , make friends, take up knitting and I suppose they do it all to help themselves feel better. oops I nearly forgot, buy essential oils and send stuck a request. I do hope it works for them and me.

Well you did ask for opinions and mine tend to be long.

space x

[CandleInTheWind]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh Space that made me laugh sooo much! I get it - AL is a Depressant but does not cause Clinical Depression, necessarily. I am trying to work through my issues around all this - which is why I am hoping controlling theAL will also nail the depression and allow me to access my real feelings and not simply wrap them with cotton wool and push them to the depths... One of my big concerns about the Topamax was using another drug - was it going to produce a short term benefit for a long term disaster?

I think the key is probably Knitting. Knitting. Yes I will look into that.

Stuck is doing very well but you still are probably a bit delusional that he will fly out to rub you down with oil, aromatic or not - just trying to manage your expectations... Mind you, Sleepless in Seattle and all that...

Take care, knit one, pearl one, knit one, ..ad nauseum

CitW

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

wow, just wrote and lost my whole post. I have not been receiving my posts in my email. Very interesing posts. Candle, I do appreciate your deep thinking and questioning. Sun I will also get back to you and appreciate your kind words. I can't wait until I can find my spirtual self. I admire you happiness and tranquility. Even with the bloody nose.
I had to stop the topa, I was experiencing such dopa. My job expects me to always be at my best and now the teaching profession requires so much extra. My class almost scares me this year. I am afaid I won't be able to address all of their needs. I keep saying to myself "Embrace the challenge, God doesn't give you what you can't handle". Just need to not get frustrated and continue to love the child.
Was suppose to try hypnosis last weekend, they never called me. Now, the appointment is next Saturday. Hoping and praying for peace of mind and spirit.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello all - a quick drive by from me. Been reading your posts & very entertained, heart-warmed and feeling the love! Life is a trip no matter where we are. School year started for me too, can't figure out what this group is going to be about, but Meggie, I had to stop the TOPA for the same reasons. I have AB but haven't been using it...will probably do the 1/2 tab again like Play & Sun one of these days. Just not motivated right now.

Hope everyone has a great weekend - I'll be back soon!

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Don't underestimate how far I'll go when there's aromatic oils involved. Next time I'm in the UK, Space, it's a date!

ADs are the most overprescribed med in world history, and from my limited understanding they are about the same as placebo for mild/moderate depression. For clinical (major) depression, though, they work MUCH better.

And alcohol doesn't cause clinical depression. It is a depressant, but that's more in terms of the CNS effects, and it actually acts like a stimulant in small doses (that's the buzz). It also doesn't necessarily cause anxiety--that too is a chemical disorder. But too much alcohol for too long, and you end up feeling "depressed" because let's be honest your life is probably unmanageable and a wreck, right? So of course you're feeling down. And then alcohol (and withdrawal) causes all kinds of anxiety and insomnia--so alcoholics, or even people who are just drinking too much, present to doctors with the same symptoms of depression and/or anxiety disorders. With docs it's either they overlook alcohol (ab)use entirely or it becomes the only thing they look at and the answer for everything is to stop drinking. The problem there is that if you have an underlying clinical depression or pre-existing anxiety disorder, that doesn't get treated because the doc thinks they've fixed everything if you stop drinking.

OK that's enough of my 2 cents! Hi houtx! And meggie and everyone. :l

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

See candle there hope for me yet

Hi stuck, meggie and houxt and everyone else out there, sun where have you gone or is it just your not on this page the thread is so busy right now since candle joined, thanks you candle for bringing such light and life along x

space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

bye the way candle how did the drinking go yesterday, what with all the other chat I forgot to ask, was it the usual amount for a Saturday or less, doesn't really matter because its such early days anyway but Im just nosy x

[CandleInTheWind]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Ah you are so sweet to ask Space (good news on Stuck btw!!). This Saturday was better than last Saturday for sure on the AL front - went out with friends who don't really drink and when they ordered iced tea with the meal just went along with them. Had a couple of glasses later in the evening but it still feels very different. Still, just miserable on the family side - it is impossible to have meaningful conversations from afar with kids - the eldest is monosyllabic and the others would frankly be doing anything else than talking on the phone. It sucks and I keep feeling I'm becoming a more and more distant satellight to their world. Still I'm back in a week and l'll get the technology up and running so it both works better and makes it more fun for them.

And speaking of kids - to the teachers here a resounding 'thank you' and 'you do a fantastic job, are not paid or appreciated enough generally' and 'I love you'. Please stick with it - must be scary this time of year with new classes and all but it is probably one of the most critical jobs in our society so, thanks. And for every pain in the arse parent there is there are at least 10 others who really respect and appreciate what you do, oh and probably a couple who hop around being both a pain in the arse AND appreciate what you do all at the same, mixed-up, time.

Anyway, back to packing - take care,

CitW

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey everyone,
I know I haven't been on here in quite a while. I just dropped off the face of...MWO.
Anyways. I am now on 150mg of Topa and things have been going well enough. I am not drinking except having the occasional glasses of wine on the weekends and never usually more then 3 because I just don't want to. Last night I had 2-1/2. I am surprised. Usually I chug 5-10 glasses down. I went to see my doc last week to talk about him prescribing me the med as he is doing this for me as an off-label use (obviously) and he asked me about it, as I was the one that suggested to him the Topamax since I read about it on here. I said I didn't know if it was just a placebo thing. All mind over matter. He told me drinking was all mind over matter. Not to read too much into it.
I am just going to go with that.
I don't want to read into too much of anything right now.
Not thinking of my next drink these days is so much better. My gawd.
I have noticed that I don't think of drinking. I don't think of trying to get to the store after work and getting my bottles of wine and more and more these days I don't think of maybe having a drink here or there or even think of having booze in the future. If that makes sense. I really don't care too much. My only problem is this weekend thing. Only because it's a habit and then I feel like I should have some on Sunday because it is there. The leftovers I mean. I think that's my OCD more then anything. It's hard dealing with an addiction and OCD at the same time. Ugh. What a pain in the ass that is. Sometimes I don't know if it's the addictive voice talking or the OCD. :/
But as soon as I get over that day then I am fine.

Side effects ~ the tingling in the feet. It's getting worse. It's not constant but when it comes on it DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. It's only in the heels and it's so painful. Especially in the middle of the night.

That is pretty much it. The dopamax effect from time to time.
The weirdest things though. One time I saw a car driving and doing its business on the opposite side of the ride where it should be and I thought it was going the wrong way? My bf thought I was crazy. Sometimes I get these bright light flashes. Weird. Very rarely though. Maybe more so brain zaps. Could be the body going through the total AL withdrawal though.

Being sober is so much better then being drunk.
I can't believe how much freakin time I wasted. I can't believe all the nights and weekends I spent shitfaced.
The funny thing is now I never have enough time to do anything and when I was drinking there was too much time. If that makes sense.
Last night I didn't even want to drink. I just wanted to go to bed. Drinking isn't fun anymore. I think it stopped being fun a long time ago and just never realized it.

Just one thing though I am catching myself doing. And am wondering your thoughts on this. Do you all believe we have addictive personalities? Or do you believe we just get addicted to a substance??
I am beginning to get a little crazy about food again and restricting my caloric intake. It's weird. I *thought* in some way I was in control of alcohol and never was and now I feel I am in control of my food intake and such and in a way it's sort of taking over as well.
Thoughts?
Mind you I am only down 10lbs in a month. Boo....

Hope everyone is doing well. Will check in more. Lately lots has been going on. Between work being crazy with students being back, studying for school and appointments.
Hugs to all!!

Ps. Sorry for any typos.

Bri