New here and starting Topa and with a question

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

No such luck on the indian summer candle its been raining all day. The idea of bankok definitely sounds good tho, hot weather, massages, meds??!! not sure about that one, too tempting the pain Ive been in today.

Meggie it seems you are trying lots of new things, good for you the more you try the more chance you have of getting the right fit for you. I am envious of you too with your heat, I don't know where you live but I am now wanting to live in either Bangkok or California, ohhh which one will I choose. More realistically I am trying to get my son to plan a visit to Rome next March for a few days, its a most amazing place with a great atmosphere, almost no one seems to speak English tho so I have to walk round like an idiot tourist with my phrase book and the food is very expensive so we just survive on paninis, pizza, ice cream and coffee, all eaten in the street but so do a lot of locals it seems so at least we dont stand out doing that. When we stayed there last I was smoking out of the hotel window and kept hearing talking and music, bar like sounds until around 2am but couldn't work out where they where coming from, then I popped out for pizza late one night and saw that the coffee shop which I thought was just closed for business actually opened up of a night, but was shut of a morning!! it was packed so then I had found the nightlife, cool but how do these people work the next day when they have been up drinking expressos half the night

Hi play, sun, dizzy, houxt and anyone else out there.

space xx

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi there - me here - sorry I haven't been here. I have actually been having a hard time of late and when that happens I don't post! As all you oldies know !!! The drinking and smoking have been fine but I have been feeling really flat. I had cut my AD's in half and was going to deal with the feelings whatever they might be when they came up, with my therapist - BUT the problem is, that i hadn't thought about, was that my trip to UK was in the middle of it ! So I might put my dose back up until I get back and deal with that then.

I am sorry that I am not answering everyone - you all know that I usually do. But right now it is too much to do so. I DID love Candle's idea of the rehab though - although I am further from the idea of a footballer than anyone can imagine - LOL. I do love her sense of humour !!!!!

I have work tomorrow and then leave for UK on Friday and still have no idea what I am taking or have anything anywhere near ready. I need to get my head together. But all I want to do is to sleep.

I have been told that I can get a gadget that can give me wifi when i am there if I do take my lap top so am not sure if I will be in touch or not.

Love and hugs to all

love, sun XXX

[CandleInTheWind]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello all!

Well! I woke up this morning from the best night's sleep I can remember since, well, forever! No dreams, no nothing. Got to all be down to the ADs Candle's got her Super Power back! Less anxious, but less, what's the word, romantic?, probably closest to it. Anyway one more sleep before UK, apart from the sleep on the plane (think I'm obsessing about this sleep thing a bit). I'm praying to the seating gods that I get the skinny, clean, big bladdered neighbour as opposed to the other variety. I'm looking forward to a flight where I am not obsessing about scoring more free booze from the stewies.

Sun - maybe our paths will cross? In UK? If it helps, I too am not packed or anything and I'm closer to Friday than you! So, wish me luck on my woo-ing the ex-ploit. I may be a bit quiet for a bit but will check- in if I get the chance. Hugs to all xxxx

CitW

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Candle I hadn't realised you where coming to the UK for some reason I thought you where going to the US, where abouts are you going in the UK You don't have to tell me if you don't want, or you could pm me so your not broadcasting it to the world. I am glad the antid's are making you feel better so soon, I agree tho that they do make you feel less frisky, what ones are you taking Ive probably had them in the past, it would be easier to say what I haven't taken rather than what I had. I do hope the seat angels are nice to you Try and keep in touch if you can I will miss you being here.

Sun I did know you where coming but not so soon, I am shocked its happening now, I wish I could drive on the motorways and could come and meet up with you but Ive still not sorted my anxiety and panic attacks yet to do that. I do agree that you should carry on taking the antid's, at home you can have a routine which has probably helped a lot in what you have achieved but being away will change all that, and change can cause stress and you don't want that so early in your recovery from stopping both drinking and smoking.

I have been having terrible anxiety over the past week and had a panic attack today, I couldn't swallow and thought I was going to suffocate, I then was so totally wiped out and had to lie down, its been a while since it has presented itself with the swallowing symptom so at first I didn't know what was happening and it was pretty scary, it was a good job I was at home so I could get water to start me swallowing again otherwise I don't know what would have happened and since then I have had to keep drinking most of the day as it keeps on happening. I was supposed to go for my English and maths assessment at the local college today, the place where I am going to do English classes and missed it so I will have to go tomorrow.

Anyway good luck on your journey candle, I hope it all goes well for you and you sort out your relationship problems, if you want to phone me or meet up if your not too far away let me know..

Same goes for you Sun although I think you are going down south, it depends how far and if I can get a coach there and back in a day, if I can, and if you want I will try to do that. Pm me to tell me where you will be if you would like to do that. We could just go for something to eat and meet up in real person for a chat. It would be nice.

space x

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun, I have enjoyed your post and wish you a wonderful trip. Play, I emailed you twice from my email. I think you don't know my real email. Sorry. I wrote you back

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone. I am feeling a lot better today.

Space - I have Pm'd you my itinerary and hope that we can meet up - it would be great - but I understand if you can't. I know that you have a problem with driving on the motorway and stuff - also I am so tight with what I am doing.....

Candle - you too - I have also Pm'd you my itinerary - but again it would be awesome to meet up. It will be easier as you are in London and I am too for part of the time. This will be crazy if we can meet - the chances of us meeting in UK when we both live in such different parts of the world are astronomical !!! PM me okay? I am feeling so excited about possibly meeting both Space and Candle !!

Space - I am still on half dose of the AD's. I spoke with my therapist and we think it is the best way to go. I am really feeling so much better today - I have been working on beliefs - I know that you cannot see the point in it but it really does work - it worked with me and the drinking and the smoking !!!!! It is so hard to explain - it isn't religion ... it really isn't. It is more just not allowing the beliefs that one has to let everything BE !!!! Just because one believes that something is, SO does not make them so - so if you cancel that belief, then that makes it go away.

Not sure if I am making any sense - sorry if I am not ..... I must go and staart packing - maybe - LOL. I still have a few hours in the morning -

love and hugs, Sun XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun,, You seem to have misunaderstood me, I have never said there is no point in using spirituality, beliefs, religion or anything else along those lines, I know for a fact that these things have worked for people for thousands of years as a way of living and giving meaning to their lives. All I have said is that I have tried it many times and many ways and never got anything out of it, if it works for you, which it is then that is wonderfull I am happy for you, you are my friends so how could I not be when I hear the difference in you and you are happy.

By the way about what you said regarding having the off day yesterday I think that is normal and to be expected, when the newness of finding a new way of life wears off and becomes the norm then the old problems and stresses do tend to rear their ugly head from time to time, I don't velieve anyone feels good all the time no matter how they deal with their problems and life. It is only by feeling crap sometimes that we remember to appreciate and notice feeling good.

I really really do hope we can meet up, I have pm'd both you and candle and can get to London anyday next week except Monday so I am easy, obviously it would be best for me and the most awesome meeting if we could meet up together as my travelling to London twice would be very tiring as I will be on a coach. The train fares are such a ridiculous rip off. I will bring my ipod, sandwiches and a book for the coach anyway.

I am excited now so please can we try to arrange this as soon as possible, really we should have done it days ago but I didn't think

Love space x

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey everyone, this is just going to be really quick as I have to run out the door for work. At least it's Friday.
Space and Sun. I did check in. My long (boring, hehe) post is on page 536.

Play ~ I will definitely check that book out and am interested in those meditation CDs! I will pM you a little later on. The past week has been a little tricky for me. I am not exactly sure why. Opd habits die hard I guess and it's weird because I'm up on a higher dosage now. 175mg. And I drank Sat/Sun and Tues and lately when I have been having a stressful time I tell myself that it's okay, that I can always have something to drink. What?? Nooo!
Where did this come from?! I need to go back to reading or something. I've been a little more stressed out then usual and my weight isn't dropping at all and this is really frustrating me. This is one of the things I really expected and wanted from this. I know it's a little vain but I have dealt with eating disorders in the past so it's a little deeply rooted.
Anyways. Enough of that. I will be late for work!

So yea, I guess many missed my last post or it didn't show up to some? But it's hidden there in the last few pages. Since many have asked to update. I think it's the last one 536.
Lots of luv.
Bri.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Bri, not read your last post yet, or maybe I did I don't know.

I say this to myself and everyone else, try and deal with one thing at a time, so what do you want to deal with, you weight or you drinking. I know one of the se's of topa can be weight loss for some but its not definite and sods law that those who need to loose weight don't and those who don't need to loose it do

I think at 175mg you would have hoped that the topa wopuld be working better but then sun did go to 300mg, I hope that isn't the case with you though. You say you drank Sat/Sun and Tuesday so that means you have also had days off the booze, so therefore you can have more. Can you try and decide to not drink on such and such days and try to stick with it, if it gets hard just tell yourself its only for those days and they will be up soon, I am thinking that may well be a way to break the habit which has built up over years.

I do also like hypno cd's, play sent me some by someone called wendi and I really liked them, maybe she could send you them as well. There where some on alcohol, whether you either want to stop alltoger or one on moderation and others not about alcohol but just being well and relaxing. I am going to do a hypno cd now but I think a Paul McKenna one for stopping smoking, I am still smoking so going to try giving this a go again, the problem with me and hypno cd's is that I know they are so good for me but I just don't give myself the time to do them which is bad, we all need to take time to look after and nurture ourselves.

space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

With Sun and Candle going on their travels this place will seems very quiete, I hope you all post with me, Meggie and Play, I know you have said you email each other but please try to post on here too if you can, its good to hear from you both and it helps others.

I hope I don't get left too lonely I am relying on you all, Bri, Meggie, Play and Dizzy, and anyone else to keep me company now.

space x

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Space, yes of course I'll be around while Sun is away and I'm sure she will find a way to check into the thread often as she seems to be the Grand Matriarch here which is a compliment. Space I read your post where you mentioned that you have tried spirituality but don't understand or get anything out of it and I wonder if you have gone about it in the best way to get something out of it.. I seem to trmrmber that you at one time went to some very hard line church or something and that is not what our spirituality is all about. If you will read the Letting Go book, listen to the loving kindness meditations etc., I can guarantee you will get something out of it. And yes, it also does take committing the energy to doing those things rather than just watching tv shows which takes no energy at all

Anyway, I never want to try to push people or force anything on anyone but I also care about you very much and know that sometimes we have to take it on faith that something works when we can see that it has worked for people that we have come to trust deeply over time.

I'm doing well and am visiting my Aunt and mother and am finding that the work I have been doing has carried over to all areas of my life one of which is how I deal with difficult people in my life and one would be my mother. I feel the Loving Kindness Meditations have enabled me to feel more compassion for her and the work with the lessons in course in miracles is changing how I see the world and react to things, so it has turned out to be a really good visit and chance for me to put to use some of my new skills.

Well I guess you will be on your way soon Sun and check in when you get settled, love and hugs to you.

Bri and all others I am more than happy to share my resources with you. As Space said I have a great set of Alcohol Freedom hypno CDs, the loving kindness meditations on cd and much more.

Bye for now and love to all.
play

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Play, I have just put so much energy and well trying into wanting to get faith, its hard to explain why I didn't get it and I don't know why some people do and some don't. Maybe its just the way our minds work I really don't know, I just cant seem to get the want to try again if you can understand that. And yes I have had some bad experiences with it, especially in the 12 step rehab I went to where it was more or less forced upon me, the extremist Christians had nothing on them. I actually was amazed and glad I went there because as I said it was a shock and an experience, I had seen the sort of evangelical/charismatic church stuff on tv that goes on in parts of America but had no idea it was happening less that half a mile from my home, I was also amazed by some of the things they believed in, but I know that what you are talking about has nothing to do with that, I understand that it is different. But I think it goes deeper than that, it is something inside you that I don't have and any mention of god turns me away as I cant believe in him/her/it.

If however you do have any cd's that you think will help me then I would give them a go, what is Loving kindness about?

And the tv shows, they do actually help distract me from my depression and dark thoughts which are becoming more disturbing as I am doing therapy and starting to think about them. You could say tv is an alcohol substitute for me at times. My sleep is disturbed by bad dreams which is leaving me tired, I have discovered a new skill, sleeping while standing up!!! Im not sure if it could actually be called a skill or if indeed it is then what use it could have unless I should ever find myself in a very cramped space for a very long time but that is how tired I have become. I didn't get to listen to my hypno cd today, you guessed it I just had a sleep instead.

I see my therapist on Monday and have decided to tell her that its all getting too much for me, if I carry on seeing her it will have to be doing something else, I didn't sign up for digging around in my past to begin with because its a place I cant go to, I become too ill when I attempt it. So I don't know what we could do, the initial interpersonal psychotherapy has been disrailed and I don't know if it will be possible for me to go back on that track just now, to be honest with you I am feeling too low right now to care enough to think about it.

Right now I am down, I am in pain, I have run out of muscle relaxants which is making my pain worse, someone in the doctors hadn't put them on my repeat prescription list and my own doc is now on holiday. I am kind of in a mess, but then hasn't my life just been one big mess, since I stopped drinking I have not been well and have struggled every step of the way, not with the drinking but with me and my life which is actually ok and I should be happy so why the hell arnt I.

space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I need to look back thoughout this thread to see how I have been since I joined it.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks so much, Space for your kind words. I know I am not really a loser - I do have lots of positive, active things going on in my life. But I also know drinking wine as much as I do is not good...and getting worse. You're right - I need to put a plan in place. Probably going back on the AB and getting 3 days AF is what I will do. When...soon. It's just a white knuckle experience to break it in half and do it. Then yes, letting it go is easy. I will I will I will

As far as Mad Men - I stream it from Netflix, so don't know why you can't. You are sounding better and hope it works out that you and Sun & Candle can meet up. Would love to hear about that! Good luck with all your other stuff - finding a new place to live, getting the Drs sorted out, etc. Someday our Princes will show up and help us girls out!! It's been too long!

I'm playing in a golf tournament tomorrow that is all single men & women, so looking forward to that. My game has been so off lately though, I hope I don't embarrass myself!! lol Nahhhhhh - And I decorated for Fall today (day off), did alot of stuff on my feet all day, but feeling good, burning candles and enjoying a nice, long weekend! Hope everyone else is in a good place.
XO

[Funny Girl]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

ok all - fallen waaaay behind. Work is sooo getting in the way of my life. Anyway - been at a conference all week and didn't do well. Drank more than I should have & mentally told myself it was ok. You know - business & all . . . . I can be such a loser. going to go ahead & try the topa again. Kudzu was helping a lot - cut back, but couldn't stop. So .. . . . trying that topa again. Maybe it will work - but I know that mentally I have to commit. I have to come out more often to reap the benefits of the group's support. So much has happened to me in the last 2 years that I have trouble doing anything. . .. I think - no - know I've been depressed & trying to climb out. I have stellar moments, but they don't last long. I'll try again. . . .hope you all can tolerate it.