New here and starting Topa and with a question

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

No Meggie - the black dog is the one that we already had - she will be two years old in November. The mum is the larger one of the two sandy coloured ones - although she is so small.

So sorry you are not feeling good. You WILL get there - REALLY !!!!! I know that you will. Love and hugs,

Sun XXXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I am cooking the dinner so will be quick but your dogs look so lovely sun. Is the fencing your garden? That is one thing I will have to sort out staright off if we move.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Quick post - yes, Space the fencing is the bottom of the garden. The dogs this morning were all tearing round like crazy in the garden which was lovely to see - it means they are all getting comfortable with the situation.

Meggie - hang in there okay? You CAN do this - really you can - if I can, anyone can - trust me !!!!

love and hugs, Sun XXX

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello everyone, hope we're doing well and all hanging in there. Not much if anything new to report here. Just at home, bored. Waiting for this girl from back home to text after she gets done with a late dinner and picking up the keys from her new apartment that she moves into on Tuesday. I mailed a card to her new place today, so hopefully it makes it there the day she moves in. I'm also saving this week's episode of Castle on Hulu--don't want to start watching it until after she texts.

Also not sure if I want to smoke any weed tonight. There's some on the nightstand, but I'm just not sure I freaking like it at all anymore, if I ever did. I guess I won't go into the details, but it just really knocks me out and ramps UP my anxiety rather than down, and yet I'm still preoccupied with it and thinking about it. No bueno, ultimately. Anyway still not drinking, it'll be 5 months next week, but also still thinking about it everyday and mostly all the time, and lately really thinking I want to drink. Keeping up with the AF beers--like 5 or 6 a night.

And trying to remember to eat because I notice that when I get really hungry I also start to get anxiety. Like in class this afternoon, started to get kinda out of it and anxious--but all I'd eaten was a banana so far during the whole day, and was sitting in a 2 1/2 hour discussion class. So go figure. Not diabetic or anything like that--not even close--but just... Ugh, ya' know? Thought I was going to need an Ativan or something, but really just a sandwich and I was eventually OK. Also talked with the professor after class in office hours, and she's really excited about the book I'm working on--so, another chapter of it due next week and I should probably start writing that...

Guess that's all. The girl still hasn't texted yet, so maybe I'll play some video games quick or something.

Hugs to all, hope it's a good one out there. :l

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Still sick and packing. Keeping up with the thread though and my thoughts are with you. Cute doggies, Sun! And Stuck, I used to smoke a lot of weed as a student but it stopped being fun and started making me paranoid and eventually it was easy to quit. Your brain will still tell you its a good idea but your body has to learn its not. I wish quitting al could be so easy for me.
Hugs to everyone,
XOX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Stuck I just started reading your post and saw about the not eating and gwetting anxiety, well I asleo feel bad in general when I don't eat. I have just made myself some ham on toast after you reminding me because I am very bad at remembering to eat during the day. I wish my weight showed it though What are you going to do about wanting to drink do you have any ideas, Im sorry I don't have anything to give you there my limit seems to be 6 months and then drink again I don't know what happens I just start thinking about it more until I do. I keep saying I should eat better and exercise that may help with the way I feel but never get round to it. I think it needs more lifestyle change really, I don't know what you've changed but a lot does seem to be the same just replacing alcohol with al free beers. They make me worse, they make me think of the taste of al but not quite if you know what I mean. Its like decaff coffee, it tastes like coffee without the coffee to me. Is this the girl you really like stuck, if so I hope she did text I have been telling you you should get a girlfriend and just sexbuddies it will do you so much good.


Im happy the book is going well though you seem happier in your work lately and more productive I am finding trying to read difficult now never mind write, I can write on here forever but that's just waffling on trying to plan and write something well will be compleately different but I want to give it my best shot.

I have had a look at my assignments, there are three I need to do by April, the first one looks ok but I then went and read the next two and freaked, they look so hard but I then remembered I don't have to worry about them until I start work on them in December. It is 2.45 here right now and I have just been lying in bed watching tv shows online. I have had so much going on in my mind lately with thoughts, memories, worries and guilt I used tv and films as an escape like I used to use drink. I do need to get out of the house and do something but it all seems so much hastle and I don't actually enjoy it anymore. There was a time I used to crave socialising but I was short of people to go out with, now I have a couple of people I could get in touch with to go for a coffee but just don't bother.
space x

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi dizzy sorry your still sick this has lasted too long hasn't it. When do you move?
Best wishes for your new homex

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Quiet place, space I do exercise, I do kickboxing, zumba, piloxy and sometimes yoga. I haven't gone since June. I am paying for a membership to a gym and need to get back to it. I have been so busy at school and with a sick husband. Going to the hypnotist this week, don't think it is working

[DizzyBee]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

The move is Monday, Space, packing in between naps as we're both ill. I often feel like you describe when I'm not drinking, I just replace al with TV series and still spend lots of time in bed, sometimes even more than when I am drinking.

Lately I feel a slight improvement, I drink less because I know there is always al in the house and no one judges me. Whereas with my family I often drank in secret which led to lonely binges, I can now have 3 glasses of wine a night with my husband without feeling bad about it. Well, the topa also seems to be making me sleepy again when I drink instead of happy/hyper, so then I'm happy having less. I just added the birth control pill Yaz, other than that Topa has remained constant.

Will chat to all when I have proper time.

Hugs,

XOX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dizzy I do hope everything goes ok for you on Monday, moving is always stressfull what with the move itself then unpaking and being in a new place but I am sure you will get it sorted quickly and will be happy in your new place dizzy, your first proper married home with your own garden. I remember how much you lover your garden and think it will help pick you up having one again, shame its going to be winter soon though so not so much to do then, mind you we did what I thought would be the last grass cut last week and it has grown again since so will need doing again. I find it hard to do my garden myself nowadays it hurts my back, I do miss not being able to do the physical stuff like I did but moving is not so bad as its just forwards and back its the twisting things that hurt me most.
I get what you mean about the being able to have a drink and not feel bad about it, it has been all the secret drinking that made mine far worse but then it wasn't their fault they started it because my drinking was already bad. I still haven't decided what to do with regards to my meds, I have tried cutting down on the sodium valproate but then I start wanting to drink again so I will just have to keep the dose at what it was and put up with the whole bad hair and nails thing, I also need to get regular liver/kidney funciot test with it which does worry me as well. The other med though which has actually helped with my depression is really getting me down in itself with the se's, I have recently read about it causing headaches and since I have had terrible headaches for months now it is possible that it causing it. Also there is the memory concentration thing which is awful and what with starting this course I think it will be impossible to do while taking it. But I have never found any other med that helps with the depression side of bipolar which is the part that is worse with me. Do you think topa helps with your depression dizz. And yes the lying in bad all day watching tv shows is often worse while not drinking dizz I just have no get up and go about me anymore. I have just asked my son to come out with me later to walk the dogs and he has refused so I don't even know if I will bother going myself so just another day spend doing nothing. I honestly don't know what the hell happened to me I used to be so active and love going out doing stuff with my family, friends or on my own.

Meggie wow you do so much exercise how do you fit it all in. When you say though that you haven't been since June is that everything you have stopped doing? I know you have so much to do especially since you look after your husband which must be very emotionally stressful as well as tiring but I do think you need to find some time to give to yourself you are drinking to escape and relax like I do and its no good for either of us. Do you have a friend that you could maybe go for a meal with or something just to get away from the household/family stuff it doesn't really matter what it is that you do just get a break if at all possible.

I have actually arranged to go out with my cousin next week for lunch, I haven't seen her much for years which is odd because there where 6 cousins including me and she is the only one I like and can get on with. I am now back in touch with her because of the old aunt so I have been talking to her some. She lives in Spain for half the year and goes back again in around 4 weeks.
I am still feeling low, in fact now so low I cant seem to want to do anything about it, I could easily go on a bender now I just need to stop myself from doing so but it is so tempting to just stop all the shit I am feeling. Sorry to hear your hypnotist isn't working Meggie, I feel the same way now about my therapist, nothing new is happening there, we have got to the point where I have heard it all before, she wants me to make plans of activities I should do on a chart and is not accepting it when I tell her I cant do that because I can be too ill so the thing just burns me out trying to do thise things all the time. I don't want to go into anymore stuff about the past it is too much for me and serves no purpose now I have told her my worst, if anything I am in a worse state now than I was to begin with. I see her on Monday and think I will ask her to refer me to do CBT instead.

Sun I wish on our parks you had to keep dogs on a lead it would be so much better and easier for me to take my dogs out. My dogs do get on with other dogs they know, my daughter has a bichon fries and they all get on well together I just introduced them slowly.

space x

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Crap - I scrolled back and lost my damn post!! UGH - hate that!! So in a nutshell AGAIN:

Space - Always good to hear from you as you seem to be the one with time and effort to keep things alive on here! Thanks and hope things start looking up for you soon!

DIZ - hope you feel better soon & the move goes well. I hate feeling bad - been dealing with a damn HORRIBLE cold the last 2 weeks & so sick of blowing my nose I could scream!!

Meggie - I so understand, but don't beat yourself up. I try not to, too, but it's hard. "Not beating yourself up" means I make excuses and gloss over the fact I got drunk the night before; that I drink too much every night of every year and am in denial if I don't beat myself up about it. Truth is, I am a functioning alcoholic and get away with it b/c I live happily alone and no one is here to keep me in check. Last night I had some glasses of wine, didn't think anything unusual, went to bed at 10:30, took a melatonin before I started Mad Men on my K/HD Fire. Woke up at 8,9, and finally dragged myself out of bed at 10, finding my Kindle on the floor next to my bed. Felt like I'd been drugged. Not headachey or that whine in the brain all day...but just sluggish and tired all day. Different form of a hangover, I guess. Felt guilty. Went to the neighborhood park and power- walked then hit balls at the driving range...thought about how bad I am the whole time. UGH -

So about to get in bed again, this time with fewer glasses of wine tonight...looking forward to my golf game tomorrow w/ my usual gf/partner, a lovely, single, black lady who is SOOOOOO much fun!! I've wrapped up 18 little presents for her to open at every tee box...am excited to surprise her!! lol We plan to have a few drinks as we play - Bloody Marys/beer. I'll be good. Nap when I get home, a bit of house cleaning and get ready for the next week.

Stuck - hang in there. Love your posts too! I used to smoke pot & still do when it's offered, but back in the day, I realized I preferred AL to pot & couldn't do both like most of us did as often as we did...like daily! Still have some friends (working out of the mainstream) who get high as soon as they wake up. I was a basket case when I joined them. You're funny about all the sex likely going on off this site. Raise your hand, girls, if you're getting any! LOL - I wish. It's been awhile for me...for whatever reasons. And I'm SICK of it, quite frankly. Why why why??? Anyway... someday my Prince will come! But in the meantime, I really am quite content on my own, just miss the sex part!!

Thank GOD it's payday this week. I am soooooooooo poor!! My credit card debt is scary. But it is what it is. Day to day. Hope all else is well w/ everyone & sorry if I missed commenting on someone's post. That's the reason I scrolled back & it screwed me!! Hang in there, everyone - day to day.

XO

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I haven't been on here lately because I haven't completely fallen off the wagon.
I was doing so well for a month and a half as I titrated up with the dosages on the topamax. Now I sit at 200mg and for the past two weeks I have been drinking over it. I am not sure why. The craving is obviously still there and I have also been stressed out. Especially with my relationships and financial situation ~ that I guess the only way to forget about them is to drink. Yes yes. I know. Dumb idea because the problem still remains. Same old song and dance. I realize.
I have been so stressed with everything lately I feel like I might just pull my hair out that I always end up going to the bottle.
Anyways, I am thinking of upping the dosage. See where that takes me.
Or should I go back down where it helped? I can't imagine going back down helping me at all.
I have to deal with certain situations and people that lead me to drink and I really don't want to but that's life.
This is why I disappeared. I guess one of the smell steps I should be taking to stay away from the booze is to stay close to here and to you guys.

Anyways. That's my sad, pathetic update.

Bri.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi everyone. Gosh - a puppy and a not properly trained 1 year old DO keep one busy!! but they are delightful and I am so happy that we have them and have got them out of the awful situation they were in. Slowly, things will come together. Right now all three of the dogs are out for the count having been tearing round the garden this morning. The two new ones got into the veggie patch and DUG ! The pair of them were filthy ! I have since rearranged the fencing so they cannot get in there any more - LOL

Bri - so sorry that you are so sad and down. yes, it is easy to not come here when you feel things are not going well - but that is exactly when you DO need to come here. We will not beat you up about it, I promise ! We have all been there so many times we know exactly what it is like. For me personally I would say to go up on the Topa - as long as you are not having any bad SE's. I had to get up to 300mg before it really worked for me and I had no cravings at all. I found it hard to even drink over it then as I just didn't want it...... so I think you might want to do that. Just my opinion of course You really sound as if you are struggling with life right now - and no, the drinking definitely does not help it as the problems are still there plus you feel lousy too. Let us know what you decide to do - and check in here more often, although I am a fine one to talk - I need to check in more too! Hang in there okay? We are all here for you..... :l:l

Hi there Houtx - you did make me laugh when you lost your post - AGAIN !! You are always losing your posts - I know it isn't really funny but it sort of is to me - sorry - shouldn't laugh. Anyway - hope your golf is fun today for you. Is it your friends birthday? what an awesome thing to do, to wrap up all those little pressies for her - wonderful!! It sounds as if you should have a great time. I am not sure if you are pleased with your AL intake or not - it is lower than it was, yes? As for raising our hands if we are getting any - I am an old married lady so you decide !!! LOL. I hope that school is going well for you - as I have said repeatedly, there is NO way I could be a teacher ..... I admire each and every teacher out there !!! Especially these days !

Meggie - gosh it made me feel tired reading what you do exercise wise ! Wow ! Go you - I don't do any but my job is very physical. What are you asking the hypnotist to do for you ? Just curious as you say it isn't working. Anyway - as I said to Houtx, teaching is SO hard, it must be difficult for you with that plus your hubs too.

Hi there Space - you are so good at posting - puts me to shame !! You sound down though which is sad. I am hoping that once you get going on your course that it will give you something to concentrate on which will be really good for you. Give some purpose to your day and make you have to get up to do your work !! It will look daunting to begin with but you CAN do this - you are really a strong person in so many ways. I am really sorry that your therapist isn't working out for you. How long would it take for you to be referred for CBT ? And how would that be different? Wouldn't they still want to get into the past and relationships and stuff?

I am really glad that you are going out with your cousin for lunch next week - that should do you good. And give you something to look forward to in the meantime...

Hi Dizzy - poor you and hubs - nothing worse than being sick and having to move !! Anyway it will soon be over and then you can just rest until you feel better - just unpack the essentials. Your new house looks lovely and it is great that you will have a garden - they are SO good for the soul ! Hope that you feel better and that the move goes well.

Stuck ! Saving the best for last - LOL. I really cannot say anything about the drugs - only ever having smoked weed once about 6 million years ago, I am definitely not an authority ! The mere thought if it scares me actually. When I was having chemo, a friend offered to get me some, and I didn't do it even then. Once was enough for me. 5 months no drinking is wonderful though ..... although you still don't sound happy at all. And yes, you HAVE to eat - I get low blood sugar so eat pretty much all the time - well, I graze - don't eat a lot but do snack and feel bad when i don't. Hope your friend texted you ......

love and hugs to all, Sun XXX

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

I don't do all those classes at once. I usually try to do a kickboxing on Mon. Wed and Saturday. If I get a tabata, weight class in on Tuesdays I am lucky. I have been so busy with life and stay at school past the class then I just go home and make dinner correct papers and then shower and relax.
Sun, I think the weed of 35 years ago was pure and not laced with the crap that is in it now. I rmember doing some in college.I hated the way it made me feel. But back then I rarely drank.
Stuck, keep a check on the home girl.
It is sunday, the end of the week, it all begins again tomorrow.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

x:l Not much to say.