New here and starting Topa and with a question

[briseus]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thanks Sunshinedaises...
Yea, I have been struggling a lot. I have been fighting with the boyfriend a lot lately and he hasn't been supportive at all...situations are just a pain in general and instead of dealing with them I just drink instead. :/ I think it's helping me...but we all know that it's not.
We got into a HUGE fight over the weekend and I am not sure if we are able to recover from it. Of course instead of talking through it...I will probably end up drinking. Ugh. What a vicious cycle! I was doing so well!!!

I think I will up the dosage...and maybe keep upping it until I reach 300mg...maybe that is where I need to be as well. I also need to go back to reading, becoming more mindful, exercising and things like that. Drinking is NOT helping anything and I am just a mess...AGAIN!! Things were going so well...so what am I doing to myself? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Especially when we know how good it is without the booze??

How miserable I am.

[playland]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Dear Meggie,
I will have some things in the mail to you the first of the week. I'm just now starting to catch up after being away for so long so now I'll work on your materials. I want to just offer you the thought that when you are down and feeling lost again try to recall the feelings of peace that you experienced before things became a turmoil again and remember that you can feel that way again; that energy field is always there waiting for us to align ourselves with it. To align ourselves we have to practice the things that we were doing when we started feeling so good and/or so much better, so don't give up, just let the feelings be there, don't try to control them somehow with the mind, just surrender the chaos to God and ask for guidance:h believe it or not the help is there when you ask for it

See you soon and wishing all here lots of love and inner peace:h
Play

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Thank you so very much play. Inner peace, what a wonderful thought. Going to the hypno on Thursday. Play, how do I allow myself to go deeper?

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi Meggie,. I am wondering why you are asking online how to go deeper in your hypno. You have already seen this same person before and said it hasn't worked so Im not sure if this is the person for you. It doesn't mean hypnotism will not work for you but maybe you should look around for someone else. It is up to them to help you gain the relaxation nescesary for it to work not up to you to learn it first, and after a few sessions that you have already paid for they should have taught you this.

How do you feel in your hypno sessions? if you feel any unease then its either the wrong person, the wrong time or just not the thing you need. There is plenty of scientific evidence to prove that hypnotherapy works but its not for everyone.

I am still not sure about carrying on with my therapy, I have another appointment made for next week but really don't know about it. I think her methods are not for me at this time although she is good and I have been able to unload a lot of stuff onto her and she has helped me see another way around things but has also dragged up a load of shit that I didn't need to think about. I want to move on not think about what should have been. Therapy is always hard, finding the right person at the right time. I would like to give hypnotherapy a go again myself but then cant afford it. Also acupuncture was really good but also expensive. Around 6 years ago I went to a guy in the Chinatown area of my city and had weekly sessions of acupuncture and herbs from him and felt great I just couldn't afford to keep it up, but would definitely recommend it to anyone who could. Is there anyway you could try acupuncture Meggie, I mean the proper Chinese stuff, the guy I went to also was a Chinese herbalist and made me up a recipe and it all really did help. Is there anywhere you could go to give it a go maybe. One note: There are people around who say they do acupuntcure but really they just stick needles in your ears and make big claims to it but that's not what its about at all so avoid them.

I have been ill over the past couple of days but have a lot on tomorrow including parents evening where I need to look good for my son so I do need to get up and get going in the morning. wish me luck the way I feel right now I will need it

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey everybody. Long post on my thread the other night about going to Vegas, so won't repeat it here, but I went to Vegas. Anyway, been super stressed since, feeling really off and anxious and like I'm going to pass out or something all the time yesterday and today. Doesn't help not getting much sleep and being all panicky at night. It's all over this deadline on Thursday, I think, but knowing that doesn't make it any better.

But whatever. Even in the midst of feeling like total crap and on edge, I checked my blood pressure and it is now completely normal. Like, amazingly normal. That was the one big worry that all my drinking had caused thus far. Of course, seeing that problem 'fixed' and knowing--in all honesty--I probably *could* drink and be fine if I stopped drinking again right away and went sober for a while again, well it's that "you know I probably could" voice in my head that makes it even harder not to drink.

And I'm sure it would be fine, for a couple days. But I'm trying not to. 5 months sober today, might as well keep rolling with it. This is kind of rambling and not very coherent, sorry. I'm just super distracted by everything right now. Hope everybody's doing well.

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Stuck please try not to drink now, I have been where you are so many times and its never good when I drink again. This last time has left me feeling very depressed and just still craving drink badly and that was after being fine with no drink for those months. I do wish I had held out rather than just given in and had a few drinks, even though nothing bad has happened yet I am now feeling sure it will unless I can sort myself out soon. It is not easy to keep it at a few drinks and stop again then stay stopped, that's what Im fighting again now is the stopping again. Do you really want to have to do that all over again? Maybe you could just have a few drinks and then stop again for a while, but whats the point, is it worth the risk. I wish I hadn't.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hallo there anyone and everyone. Sorry I haven't been around much. I cannot believe how much time the new additions to the family take up !! They have to be watched like hawks ! However they are really doing well - settling in and seem to be getting used to us. The mum loves to dig so I have spent a lot of my day off today putting fences round our flower beds .... her pup just does what she does so they both come in filthy dirty ! LOL. The mum is getting much less shy which is so good to see. the housetraining is going well too - the pup went to the back door today and on taking him out he had a wee !! YEAH !!! Progress!

Anyway - how is everyone doing? Dizzy - how did your move go and how are you feeling? How is the drinking going? How is life going? I feel so out of things here right now. My own fault I know !

Space - how are things with you ? Are you feeling any better ? Have you started on your course work? Have you heard from your tutor yet? have you talked to your therapist yet about changing, or not?

Stuck ..... not sure if it would be a good idea if you tried a drink to see how it felt - but that is up to you. You will do what you want I think - I think you always sound so sad anyway. You always seem sleep deprived and stressed out - what is going on with you ? Hugs to you my friend :l:l

Bri - how are things going? Have you and b/f sorted stuff out? Are you checking in? (yes, I know I am a fine one to talk). Did you up your dosage yet? How are you feeling? please let us know - even when I don't post I do check in ..... and you can always PM me too. I hate to hear you sound so sad. And yes, we DO know how good it is without the booze - but the booze is a quick fix that makes us feel better short term isn't it?

Play - you are so wise ... your words are lovely for all of us here .... love you my friend :l and thank you for being here for all of us.

love and hugs to all,

love, sun XXX

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hope everyone is ok xox

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well hello, everyone. Turned my thing in yesterday. Didn't end up where I wanted it, but hey, it's a draft. So took last night off and hung out at the bar for a couple of AF beers, and chatted with the bartender--hadn't seen her for about a week. It was nice. I went for a long walk around the park and lake in my neighborhood, and ended up at the bar about 1/2 an hour before she started her shift, so she sat next to me and we caught up on stuff. Talking about Vegas and this friend/old-ex-BF of hers who lives there, and then about the house she's buying and stuff like that. And I told her a little more about the girl I like--who is coming out next weekend to visit, so I'm going to show her off a little and introduce her to the bartender and show her all the places I hang out and that kind of thing, when we're not in bed anyway.

Today it looks like I'm taking off, too, since I'm already up and haven't started working on anything yet, but maybe I'll get some reading done. But definitely cleaning up around here today: dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc. And I upgraded my internet service, so I have to run over to the internet store and pick up a new router. But that's about it.

My advisor still hasn't acknowledged the dissertation draft I sent, which is perplexing but OK. Since I'm making good progress on my novel I guess I don't really care about the diss right now. And there's no way I'll graduate until maybe next winter regardless, so whatever.

Hope everyone's well! :l

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Space is that your thesis for your master's degree or is it a novel. My daughter went from BA to get her masters in teaching. She is deciding what to do her thesis on. I was lucky I didn't have to write one.
What was your topic?

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well, I am losing it after a long day. The message was for Stuck. I do that in my class, I get people mixed up by the first letter of there name. Time for a nice long weekend.

[Funny Girl]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello everyone - just checking in. Work has had me sooooo busy I can't tell you. I sell insurance, so this is my busy Medicare season (annual enrollment) and now with the implementation of the new health care law & enrollment for individuals & families, I'm screwed. So much confusion & systems that don't work. Anyway, that's why I've had no time to be here. Miss it too. It does help to have a safe place to talk even when you're not 'measuring up'. Read back thru some threads & I guess everyone is ok - good to know. Still have house on the market - it's only been two weeks but showings have slowed. I do think the govt shutdown doesn't help - these little homes I live in are starter homes & many use FHA mortgages since you don't have to put much down - but those are "on hold" since the government isn't operating . . . .frustrating. As we get to the end of the year, it seems less likely that I'll get out of here. To me this place is 'soul sucking' - I don't live here really - it's more like a temporary parking place. Bad.

Oh well. I'll try to get out more often. Sunni - love the puppy pics. Dogs always make me happy!

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey all -
Stuck, you sound really good & focused. When you were drinking months back, you were like a loose cannon, BS all over the place...which we can understand; but you are SOOOOOOOO much more grounded and in control and normal-sounding now. I hope the girl works out, and I applaud your strength not caving in to the cravings, going to Vegas (or was that trip cancelled). You sound great - am very happy for you & applaud your will-power!!

Space, as usual, thanks for chiming in just to keep the thread going. Applaud you for your will power & holding it together so far! Hope it continues, if it works for you...sounds like you are mostly completely sober & is how you want to be. Hope the therapies continue to go well w/ you at the helm! And I hope you can discontinue therapy and be on your own soon!

Meggie - hope your hypnosis plans help. Keep us posted. I'm curious!

Funny Girl - hang in there, as well. Hope the houses get some interest and you are able to take a break - you sound too busy to believe! Slow down for a day or two, if you can & maybe take a break. UGH - I know it's hard!

I'm doing ok - a bottle (roughly) a night. Then take a toddy to bed. It's not normal, but it's working for me. I try to balance being at the computer w/ being up & folding towels, doing dishes, getting ready for tomorrow, etc. Weekends are sooooooooo much easier! LOL But I am trying to pace myself. No more big bottles of wine!! I have much more of a handle on my consumption when I realize I am about to finish a bottle. Mostly I used to buy those BIG 1.5 L bottles or a big box wine. Went too far many times. So, I'm trying to cut corners here & there. The years of light/medium/heavy drinking for the last 35 yrs are now taking their toll. I feel like I am on TOPA when I'm not. More details later, but suffice to say, I know I'm experiencing the first signs of brain damage. Most days better than others, but crazy disconnects are more profound on some days than others. I start talking and my pronunciations sound like I'm drunk...very slurred/ mispronounced./etc - Worries me too much to even go in to. But yes, I am worried about the horrible damage I have done and continue to do to my brain...:-((

PLay/Space/others - hope all is going well. I'm happy for the weekend!! I'm done talking for now. Enjoy!

[spacebebe01]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Houxt I need to chat to you more so sorry I haven't been in touch. You have got a much better handle on the drinking now and know how to cut down. Yes those big bottles and BOXES!!! are bad. Wine gives me bad hangovers anyway but I rembmer when I was drinking a lot I decided to change to wine from vodka to try and cut down, the problem was instead of buying one bottle of vodka I was buying three bottles of wine and then I discovered the boxes and it was a nightmare, I had no idea how much I had drank or how much was left. Needless to say I went back to vodka. But, back to subject, its not your drinking Im worried about right now so much as your health worries, and the fact that you are worrying about it. But Im happy that your happy for the weekend, enjoy whats left of it:l

Meggie I was puzzled when I read about the Maters degree I am apparently doing and the thesis I have to write:H then relieved when I found out Im not its stuck so that's ok then. I have actually started studying today as it happens but only starting a degree so years away from a masters.

Stuck, yes I second what Houxt said you do sound so much happier and more positive nowadays, I know you still have anxiety to deal with but things really do seem to be coming together for you. Is it next weekend the girl comes to visit, how exciting. Make sure your flat is nice and cosy and you have some yummy food in and just have a lovely romantic time together. :h Oh don't forget you need clean sheets :H

Hi Funny Girl its unsettling when your wanting to move house and cant, I rent but am waiting until we can get something bigger and now weve decided to move I don't feel at all secure. I think with buying you have more choice and options and you will get what you want even if it takes a little longer so just hang on in there. Pop back in no matter how your doing just to say hello if nothing else its always good to hear from you.

Hi Sun hope alls going well with you and your life, hubby, job, dogs, daughters whatever else you have going on there.

Dizzy if you read this then how did the move go I don't think weve heard from you since but then I suppose you have been very busy. Are you both feeling better yet. Keep us posted please its always good to hear from you too.

After two weeks of being ill I am feeling a bit better today, it has been a weird two weeks not being sure what the hell has been going on really just doing the getting up and then somehow its dinner time and bed time again without my actually noticing the day or what Ive done with it apart from lying in bed feeling bad. I started my course this morning and really had to make myself just get on with it. With my not being well I haven't done the preparation I should have which is not a good start but I have been working for about 8 hours on it today to make up for it. Some of the content is surprising really and after skimming over the subjects I didn't think I would like at all like Management and Health now look quite interesting. I think the best thing about spending the year doing this course instead of just going into a one subject degree is that it gives me a chance to not only learn how to study and pick up skills but also to discover what I like. I am worried that I wont be able to do the work, that my concentration and memory are shot but I will have a go anyway. I also kind of think that I applied for this when I was in one of my more manic big ideas time and have since kind of regreted taking on so much but the good thing about this course is that because its mostly don't at home I can take some time off when Im not up to it and pick up when I am. Well that's the plan anyway

space x

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello all. Thanks for the positive, encouraging words! It *is* next weekend that the girl comes to visit. I have to clean top to bottom around here: she's mildly allergic to cats, so I have to make sure all the fur's vacuumed away and the sheets are clean and everything. I did some vacuuming yesterday, and will really go at it later this week so the place will be presentable and won't make her sneeze the whole weekend, hopefully.

Um, my dissertation... is vaguely about authority and collaboration in textual production, in both online communities and medieval manuscripts. It's a long, long way away from even being started really, as I only have written about 20-30 pages so far, and it needs to be around 200+. Thank goodness I'm making better progress on the novel I'm writing, or else I really would be crawling out of my skin with anxiety and self-loathing.

The desire for a drink has been pretty strong lately. Uncomfortably so, at times. I just get so down and want something to pick me up and smooth over all the rough edges, you know? As I've said, weed isn't really my thing, but I have been getting pretty pleasantly high before bed most nights this past week or two. It does help me sleep but I end up waking up late in the mornings. And I still can't deal with being around people or texting anyone... I just get too paranoid that I'm saying the wrong thing or something like that. But the more I get high the less it makes me anxious; I just wish... well, I wish for booze. A few (too many) drinks makes dealing with people and everything so much easier--not harder--like weed. So I've just been making sure I've got everything out of the way and already talked to the girl for the night before smoking. And then I usually go right to bed after a few minutes.

That's about it here. Might buy a TV today--exciting stuff.