New here and starting Topa and with a question

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

The anxiety must be horrid. I only have anticipation in the evening of wanting to drink. I drank too much last night and feel yucky today. I may need to go to clean out my Mom's house because we think it has been sold. I wish we had done it in the early summer. I find each of these last days so precious. Oh, well, it will get done.
We only have one conference day and then the kiddos.

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

These last days *are* so precious. I feel as though I'm wasting mine away, just waiting for school to start. It's like, I know that this thing that sucks is about to begin, so I will sit around waiting to get it over with instead of making the most of the time I have left. I'm like that with a lot of things. I have done no writing whatsoever in a while. And though I am basically ready for the semester to start, balancing different things is for sure going to be a problem - always a problem for me. There's simply too much to do to let it all get away from me, so I don't really know wtf I'm going to do or how to handle it.

Drinking probably isn't the way, but it's what I've been doing. Every night. There's still for sure a place where everything "clicks" and the anxiety goes away. And while I'm basically holding the amount steady, it's for sure not going down like I had hoped. Small steps, maybe.

Did the house get sold? Did you get everything moved out? Hope everybody's enjoying the last days of freedom, all the teachers on this thread.

[houtx]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hi all - Meggie & Stuck, Houston ISD requires us to report back 2 weeks early for mind-numbing meetings (under the guise of "professional development"), and I joke that it gives us time to be on hold for the tech help desk. Kids come back Monday and I think I'm ready. My daughter went back to school yesterday so I am blissfully alone again!! I'm looking for ward to cleaning house, grocery shopping, and going out to play golf with the new BF tonight!

He's been out of town for a week, so it will be a fun reunion! Just hope I play decently. The other news is the first guy & I made contact again and are friends. We played a round last week with a couple of his friends and had a blast. I laughed til I almost peed. He is so damn funny but drinks like a fish...doesn't show it and plays scratch golf. Kills me. He's in NY right now, but I figure he will be my buddy (maybe occasional benefits - we'll see! lol) on this side of town and the new BF will stay my main squeeze 30 miles away and no one needs to be any the wiser!

My drinking is as regular as ever, but as long as I don't overdo it on the wine, I'm much better the next day. I didn't follow that pattern last night tho. I worked in my classroom until 6 so I wouldn't have to go in over the weekend, came home and relaxed with Sauvignon Blanc! It was delish but I'm feeling a bit ehhhhhh this morning. I'll get over it - looking forward to a fun evening and a relaxing weekend before the madness starts again on Monday. I've also signed up to cover 2 hour detentions after school M-Th...extra time but also extra $$ I need.

Hope alls well w/ everyone! Stuck - update on the girl? Meggie - we've got to retire!! Hi Sunny, as always the rock! XO

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

That sounds like an awful 2 weeks, Houtx. The BF(s) stuff sounds great though.

Not much to update on the girl. She's still looking for a job, so spending most of the days around the house. It's been fine - and now that I'm getting out more due to school meetings and classes starting next week, we'll see how it goes. She's going to have to find things to keep busy, I guess. But she's been doing pretty well at that so far - cooking, going for groceries, and she's started hanging out a little bit with a couple of my friends from school. Without me, actually, which is totally fine. She went to the beach one day, and is going to a Dr. Who something or other tonight. 1) I'm glad she's getting out and doing things she likes to do and not dragging me along when they're not things I'm interested in. 2) It's kind of nice to have the place to myself once in a while.

I guess the big update would be that we went to the bar last night and then when we got home had a fairly long talk about my drinking. I'm not entirely sure if we resolved anything, but clearly she's concerned. And, to be honest, so am I. There are the health issues of course, and the money issue, and both of those are serious. But I'm also simply not getting very much work done - and I have a lot of work to do. So anyway, I haven't told her about any plans to sober up or anything, but I'm kind of sitting around today trying to work up the courage to pour my booze down the sink. Not sure if I've got it in me today, honestly, but it really probably needs to happen. There's one 24oz beer in the fridge and half of a 1/2 pint of bourbon leftover from last night. There's other stuff here, too, but it's hers so IF I can convince myself to get rid of mine then hers being here won't be a problem.

[spiritwolf333]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

StuckinLA;1697443 wrote: That sounds like an awful 2 weeks, Houtx. The BF(s) stuff sounds great though.

Not much to update on the girl. She's still looking for a job, so spending most of the days around the house. It's been fine - and now that I'm getting out more due to school meetings and classes starting next week, we'll see how it goes. She's going to have to find things to keep busy, I guess. But she's been doing pretty well at that so far - cooking, going for groceries, and she's started hanging out a little bit with a couple of my friends from school. Without me, actually, which is totally fine. She went to the beach one day, and is going to a Dr. Who something or other tonight. 1) I'm glad she's getting out and doing things she likes to do and not dragging me along when they're not things I'm interested in. 2) It's kind of nice to have the place to myself once in a while.

I guess the big update would be that we went to the bar last night and then when we got home had a fairly long talk about my drinking. I'm not entirely sure if we resolved anything, but clearly she's concerned. And, to be honest, so am I. There are the health issues of course, and the money issue, and both of those are serious. But I'm also simply not getting very much work done - and I have a lot of work to do. So anyway, I haven't told her about any plans to sober up or anything, but I'm kind of sitting around today trying to work up the courage to pour my booze down the sink. Not sure if I've got it in me today, honestly, but it really probably needs to happen. There's one 24oz beer in the fridge and half of a 1/2 pint of bourbon leftover from last night. There's other stuff here, too, but it's hers so IF I can convince myself to get rid of mine then hers being here won't be a problem.

Just damn to the alcohol prison. Why do we have to be held captive to a chemical that is killing us? I use to think that it was my only means to survive -and really, it was. But hell Stuck, you know all of this. Just hope you find your way in the same way that I am trying to find mine.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey there everyone - sorry I have been AWOL - no excuses. I actually was a little down and ended up posting about it on the steppers thread -c where I used to post as well as here. I just got so fed up with the AL - I go a few days AF then drink for one or two evenings then go for a few AF and so it goes on ad nauseum .... it HAD to stop. I have been taking the AB again but it does a real number on my tummy - not sure how long I can take it for to be honest - but have been reading other threads and have come up with some really good things that I have written down about stopping - one is that this (AF)is a LIFE choice - NOT something I am denying myself. Also that AF is something I want since I cannot have AL in a healthy way in my life. and the best thing I think, written by Fen - she said:

'Sun, we drink because alcohol really gets that dopamine or whatever that "feel good" chemical is, going...at first. So, about the first thirty minutes of drinking is pretty awesome. The trick is remembering the following moments...of losing control, typing or saying stuff we wouldn't ordinarily say, and the horrid waking up in the night or the next morning feeling dehydrated and disgusted and just plain sick.

That first "feel good" response is so powerful, but if we give our poor brains a chance, after a while, we can feel good without AL'

THIS to me was really good - because I do NOT enjoy AL any more - except for that first 30 mins !!! So, today - I thought about maybe getting some (before I remembered taking 1/4 AB this morning) and then remembered this piece from fen. When I drink I have a lousy nights sleep - night sweats and often will just lie awake for three or four hours - so I am going to do this - using every tool I can !!!

Sorry I haven't responded to any of you - but feel badly 'cos I haven't been here and wanted to let you know why - I am feeling much more positive now and normal service should be resumed as soon as possible - love and hugs to you all,
sun XXX :l

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Ok, feels like all of us are saying we really need to get a grip and do something. I do believe the 30 min thing. In that 30 min I drink a lot and then don't drink much. Fear, fear of giving up that high but it really destroys our bodies. Sun, I admire your strength.
2 weeks of teacher conferences is crazy, I wonder if some people skip out in the afternoon. Classroom will get there, I just need to wrap my head around everything.
I drove to my Mom's home for a 27 hour clean up. Sad to see so much stuff given to good will. Another chapter closed.
One week left of freedom, I find myself playing computer games, and facebook. I need be productive.

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hello, all, what is everyone doing. Getting ready for Labor Day. Miss everyone.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Meggie - I WAS doing well and am not doing well now ......

I laugh at you admiring my strength - I have none right now. I was doing so well. SIGH. I probably shouldn't even be posting - I am so down right now. This is so not me. Sorry everyone.

Hugs, Sun XXX

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Oh, Sunny, I'm sorry you're feeling down. Please don't feel like you need to stay away. Hang in there :l:l:l

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Sun, PM me. I would PM you but don't know how. You have been the bear of this thread. You sound like you are upset with yourself.
Take care my friend. I will be thinking of you.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

LOL Meggie - to PM someone you left click on their name and it gives you a menu - one of the things is to private message them .... you made me laugh !! You are a teacher - you are CLEVER !!!!

I am feeling better today thanks ..... I was feeling SO discouraged it seems I can go 4-5 days AF then drink. I then drink for 1 or two evenings then can go 4-5 days AF again. I was doing so well - feeling really good so just really am shaking my head as to WHAT possessed me to drink !!! Anyway - trying again ......

Thanks for the support .....:l:l

Hugs, Sun XX

[StuckinLA]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Hey Sunny a lot of people would give anything for 4 or 5 straight days AF! You're doing good just keep trying. Big hugs to you. :l:l

[meggie]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Well, I never knew that is how you PM someone. I love to learn and learn new things daily.
Stuck, I was thinking the same thing as you. I would give anything to not drink on the weekdays and just drink weekends. I drank too much last night, feel like crap.
Glad to see people on here.

[sunshinedaisies]

New here and starting Topa and with a question

Aaawwww thanks Stuck - Yes you are right I suppose - and thanks for the hugs. it really did bum me big time when I drank the other day - I thought I was doing really well - my ego tripped me up - LOL

Yes Meggie - it is really easy to PM someone - PM me and try it ! Sorry you feel so bad today. Know the feeling !! :l:l