My story/diary by Ignominous

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

My story/diary by Ignominous

ignominous wrote:

This was exasperated by my wife taking a kitchen knife, grabbing my hand and begging me to kill her. Not being senselessly drunk I didn't comply: she then chased my eldest daughter (9) with the knife.

My sister in laws came to the rescue and the situation was defused. It was also explained to me by my hysterical wife that I was wrong to think she could ever harm our children and that she was merely going to ask our daughter the same request that I had denied her.

Jeezus, Ig, that is terrifying! Either way she intended it is "scaring for life" kinds of stuff for kid. :upset:

I hope the bac works for you. It sounds like it is. Hang in there.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log
Mon 25th Oct
220
4 beers, 1 bot of beer, 2 whiskeys

Really I liked this languishing on page 5. Rather than keep tabs on pieces of paper I could put it down in one shot for prosperity.



Tues 26th
220

[muchthought]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Ig - I just read the whole thread and am astonished at how much you are dealing with. And I just really commend you for sticking with the bac, it does seem to be working as far as number of units of alcohol, and this journalling you are doing is probably the best thing to help figure out a road to sobriety. I have no advice for you, just a lot of admiration and respect, and I will pray for you, because that is what I do. Keep posting!

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Love you Much in spite of your religous beliefs. I need to be the last on to post so this goes off the front page. Sort of like my private, don't have to worry about other pepole's feelings log

[PhoenixRising]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Wow, Ig. You really don't let yourself get away with any shit. In that I mean you're totally honest with yourself. That's pretty cool. The journal will be helpful for others on the course; glad you did it.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Tues
220
1/2 bot
SEs back with a vengeance.
Got 4 hours sleep tonight in one shot, thats an improvement. Maybe the prospect of MWO wasn't there due to my expectations about the internet
Drinking fun whilst doing..........
Thanks Phoen but really there are plenty of other threads I'll be more than happy to hog the front page with. I know/knew that I was posting on a public forum but there was a sustainable suspension of disbelief that enabled me to write truthfully. I fear that I may have lost that now and that I shall have to keep my log on pieces of paper that I shall probably loose and for whatever reason wont be so vigilant about. Life's best layed plans are often waylayed by life.

[Isolde]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Don't worry Ig, I'm not reading this.

And all of the responses on this thread from others are just figments of your baclofen enhanced imagination. Please continue your anonymous log posting. :sofa:

...and now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. :crazymonkey:

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Ig, you could use your blog on MWO if you really want privacy. If that is what you are after, be sure to figure the settings so that no one can view the blog. HTH.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Wed 27th
170mg
1/2 bot whiskey
cl of alcohol 15
Forgot to take the last doss. Never done that before. Bac sort of acting differently at the moment. SEs stronger than ever but the main E seems a bit diminished, I'm drinking more and have more desire to burn all (build up of thought crap in my head) with a mega binge.

As for the cigs;:
30 +3+33
12th to 26th inclusive=15 days
2.2 packets a day
What! That looks like an massive/impossible impovement. Thought I would be able to stop the cig counting but clearly not.
As of today 27th 1 box



Thurs 28th
220 mg
1/2 bot of wine
4.8 cl
Took 100mg for breakfast, 6 o'clock, to get me back on schedule. I hate my plans being interupted. Can't adapt rapidly to new situations. Something about "life having to be controlled" at all costs.
Thought I would go for a more sophisticated tipple tonight, so bought a bottle of local wine. Tasted like cough medicine so gave me a valid excuse to not drink much. Now that's got to be telling about my character.
SEs really heavy. Spacing out all the time: got 2 hours before appointment so turn on the TV, get a coffee and check my email, sit down to watch TV and shit, no time, 2 hours disappeared.
Wonder if last eek I missed a day when I smoked 20m pks cigs and forgot to take my Bac!



Fri 29th
220mg
1/3 bot whiskey
10 cl
No internet now for 24 hours. Forced abstinence from MWO. Trying some of my new found skills in the real world. English teachers are a funny bunch.
SEs still heavy on me.
Actually getting more sleep. Maybe because I don't have MWO to look forward to when I wake up

+2


Sat 30th
220mg
1 mug and 1 bottle of beer
4.55 cl
Now 3.30pm and quite looking forward to going to the bar. Hope my new dysfunctional friends are there.
They weren't. I was with the family so we went to another place and had some barbecue. Wasn't interested in drinking
SEs still strong + gagging response when I take my pills + couple of moments at home at night when I started to feel the onset of panic attacks



Sun 31st
220
1/4 bot
7.5 cl
My schedule is now 60, 50, 50, 60 at 6 hour intervals more or less, starting at at 6am more or less.
Back to 2 hour sleep sessions. Without access to MWO, I think I was still waking up but would just turn over and go back to sleep. No pressing reason not too. Internet's back on so now have something to look forward too.



Mon 1st Nov
220
2 bots of beer, 1 mug of beer, 1 vodka
9.7 cl
Almost got into a fight due to my new found openness but didn't because I was still compos mentis



Tues 2nd
220
Less than Bot of wine + 1/4 bot whiskey
SEs still strong
15 cl

Wed 3rd
220
1/4 bot
7.5 cl
Getting bent out of shape with MWO coupled with forced abstinence from the internet
SEs stronger than ever it seems. Now its like 24 hours being spaced out. I started feeling a little better a couple of hours ago only to discover that I hadn't in fact taken my last dose, I was actually 11/2 hours late so actually put me into Thurs but I will leave it as is.
+3


Thurs 4th
220 I think
A lot 1/4 bot then 4 beers then another 1/4 bot
28.2 cl
Woke up this morning at 5.30 and decided to get up in order to get my dosage back on schedule.
Made some coffee. Wife got up. Watched some TV. About 9.30 realised that at last my SEs were reducing............at long last! Checked to make sure that I had taken 6 out of the 22 pills measured out and allocated for today. Couldn't find my pill packet. Had I measured them out this morning? Had I even taken any pills this morning. Wife or maid had maybe put them in a secure place? Wife and maid not here to ask........gone to market. Shit, panic, what to do. Decided the less of 2 evils would be to take more rather than less, so took 50mg. Shorly later the prodigals returned from mkt and hadn't hidden my drugs! So my conclusion is that even though I could have sworn I had taken them I clearly hadn't. Fucked up SEs!

After my normal 1/4 bot decided I needed more me time ( 3 yr old had been with me) so went to find my group of norms. They weren't there. I decided to go through my motions and find some satisfaction anyway.


Fri 5th morning
220 is what I'm aiming for. Next 3 days already in there baggies with day written on them.
Don't know yet. Drank slightly less than a 1/4

No physical hangover only that I remember what a total, utter wanker I am.

My particular brand of wankerism basically takes full control when I'm drunk/drinking.

I have thoughts, valid. I act on them, inappropriately.

My insights into life and the universe, valid (debatable but still valid thoughts)
People must be taught them, inappropriate time, place, condition to do it

I'll show them I don't care by drinking with abandon and demonstrating I don't care about their feelings either. Just plain juvenile.

Then went home. Pissed in my bed in my wife's room. Tried to piss in the wardrobe again. Pissed in my bed in my office.

Woke up this morning with this cloud over my head with flashes of lightening and thunder screaming "You're a wanker" "Your pathetic" "Anyone who takes you seriously is also a stupid wanker".

I get it. That's why I wanted/want to stop drinking. I don't get any satisfaction only a few hours of oblivion which has kept the real me satiated.

Time for my second Bac dose. This time I'm going to make sure I've taken it not just gone through the motions in my head

Nearly midnight: Just took my last dose, so back on schedule. I was at home drinking because family went to kids party and noticed that the SEs get really strong coupled with drinking



Sat 6th
220mg
1/4 bot
SEs strong. Mainly buzzy feeling and forgetfulness


Sun 7th
220mg
Less than a 1/4 bot
Daughter's birthday party so joined some adults for a drink but no desire to drink more.
The internet connection problem's really been getting me down but I suspect that they will get it sorted out over the next few days.
I really don't know how to interact with people, not one of my new found friends came to the party even though they had professed they would. So feel a bit put out there. Is it something I said? Probably thinking that we had reached a level of kinship when clearly we hadn't. Probably a bit of both. Will reign myself in a bit but want to try it again!

Cigs 3box+4=34pkt
27th til 7th inclusive=12days
So 2.83pks a day That's more like it. Guess I need to do this again. Damm!


Mon 8th
220
Less than 1/4 bot and then 2 mugs of beer which I basically had to force down! Wanker in me showing its head.
I went to the 2nd bar for a couple of reasons.
My wife was using emotional blackmail to get her control back again. Kids calling me up constanltly asking where I was and that I said yesterday that I would be at home when they got back from school. I was actually drinking%2

I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE LAST MONTH OF THIS LOG AND CANT RETRIEVE IT
BASICALLY PRETTY MUCH THE SAME UNTIL 21st NOV WHEN I WNENT AF. IT TOOK ME ANOTHER 2 DAYS AF TO REALIZE THAT I HAD HIT MY SWITCH. THE DOSE WAS 250MG
NOW I AM TITRATING DOWN AND PRESENTLY ON 170MG (19th Dec). STILL NO DESIRE TO DRINK