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**tiptronic_ct** · September 22, 2010, 10:11 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Hey, Ignomonous

I haven't seen your "stats" posted elsewhere. If you have, I must have missed it.

Where are you at in the process?

- drinking / AF?
- dose?
-titration schedule?

Other info like drinking pattern that might be relevant?

**ignominous** · September 22, 2010, 10:43 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

I intend to follow this up but even the best laid alcoholic plans get sidetracked!

I would also like to say that I'm in a different world. I'm currently taking 130mg and I can actually think about new possibilities.
This is good I'm sure but the downside is that I've had no practice with dealing with people on an honest emotional level for 40+ years.
My background was living with a codepedent mother who taught me that if I was totally open with her she would not love me. Later she betrayed that trust and I realiise I have had intimacy issues ever since. I first learnt that I should at all costs appear to be good (a lie) and then that intimacy would be painful. I know this is not the place for this but I just want to get things in perspective; after all I know how to control situations, not.
I learnt that if you're completely open (no boundaries) then that was right. Its got me into more than my fair share of fights when I've been drunk. The only time I ever felt chilled enough to try again to relate to people.
The long and short of it is that I don't act like a very nice person but bac has shown me some light.
These are ramblings but please bear with me. I know that this is also probably not the right place but I just want to show some context.
I've been keeping a log and will post it when I don't feel quite so spaced.
Thanks for reading.

**ignominous** · September 22, 2010, 11:05 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Hi Tip
I suppose I'm a binge drinker. I never drank in the morning. Could never see the point of having a couple of pints at the pub for Sunday lunch. Used to make me fall asleep. However if there was drinks after the pub closed (2.00pm in England) then I was your man.
Always tried to wait till after 6pm to drink. Last 10 years this has become 5 o'clock due to different lifestyle. Don't get withdrawal symptoms. Steady hands during the day. Recently went for 10 days without a drop because it was important to do so. On returning home I thought I would give my wife one night without drinking but when the pressure was off I couldn't even do that.
On average I would say I drink 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle of whiskey daily with an excuse maybe twice a week to drink 1 to 2 bottles.
Its not really binge drinking anymore because any one who knows me is aware that daily after 7 o'clock I'm useless.
Only real point to alcohol I could ever see was a route to oblivion.

**tiptronic_ct** · September 22, 2010, 11:23 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

ignominous;965376 wrote: I intend to follow this up but even the best laid alcoholic plans get sidetracked!

I would also like to say that I'm in a different world. I'm currently taking 130mg and I can actually think about new possibilities.
This is good I'm sure but the downside is that I've had no practice with dealing with people on an honest emotional level for 40+ years.
My background was living with a codepedent mother who taught me that if I was totally open with her she would love me. Later she betrayed that trust and I realiise I have had intimacy issues ever since. I first learnt that I should at all costs appear to be good (a lie) and then that intimacy would be painful. I know this is not the place for this but I just want to get things in perspective; after all I know how to control situations, not.
I learnt that if you're completely open (no boundaries) then that was right. Its got me into more than my fair share of fights when I've been drunk. The only time I ever felt chilled enough to try again to relate to people.
The long and short of it is that I don't act like a very nice person but bac has shown me some light.
These are ramblings but please bear with me. I know that this is also probably not the right place but I just want to show some context.
I've been keeping a log and will post it when I don't feel quite so spaced.
Thanks for reading.

What I found was that getting sober simply allowed me to start dealing with my life - past, present and future.

I think many of us can relate when you say that bac has shown you some light (to paraphrase). I have had incredible benefit from seeing a therapist, because I also had a lot of "baggage" to deal with. 10 months into the process I am in many ways a completely different person.

Have you considered therapy / counselling to support you in what you're doing?

**tiptronic_ct** · September 22, 2010, 11:33 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

ignominous;965389 wrote: Hi Tip
I suppose I'm a binge drinker. I never drank in the morning. Could never see the point of having a couple of pints at the pub for Sunday lunch. Used to make me fall asleep. However if there was drinks after the pub closed (2.00pm in England) then I was your man.
Always tried to wait till after 6pm to drink. Last 10 years this has become 5 o'clock due to different lifestyle. Don't get withdrawal symptoms. Steady hands during the day. Recently went for 10 days without a drop because it was important to do so. On returning home I thought I would give my wife one night without drinking but when the pressure was off I couldn't even do that.
On average I would say I drink 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle of whiskey daily with an excuse maybe twice a week to drink 1 to 2 bottles.
Its not really binge drinking anymore because any one who knows me is aware that daily after 7 o'clock I'm useless.
Only real point to alcohol I could ever see was a route to oblivion.

Your intake is more or less the same as mine was. Weekdays were 1/2 to 3/4, and over weekends it became difficult to measure...

When I found MWO, I made use of some of the techniques others have shared: e.g. taking l-Glutamine, putting some of the ideas in the Toolbox Thread into practice (its under the Monthly Abstinence forum) and made a concerted effort to taper my drinking. By the time I titrated up on bac, I was down to about a 10th of what I used to drink and I think it helped, even though I wasn't completely AF. I was very ill and couldn't afford to keep on drinking like I was.

When you do feel less spacey, post your baclofen log and keep us updated on your progress.

Good luck!

**Sunnyvalenting** · September 22, 2010, 12:58 PM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Ignomious,
You really overdosed on your first few times. The clinic where I started baclofen had me take 10 mg 3 times/day for 3 days and then SLOWLY increase the dose, the rate of increase dictated by side effects to a maximum of 120/day. I was advised to be abstinent and I have remained so for over 8 months. Just because something is available doesn't absolve one of the practical need to research its safe use. I am glad you are approaching the alcohol dependence but please be careful. These drugs (as well as alcohol itself) affect our neurotransmitters!
With 40 years of alcohol dependence myself I understand that it will be a process for me to reclaim my normal, non alcohol influenced responses to a variety of experiences. I don't think it is a "character flaw" at all. I think of it, rather, as a case of arrested development. Welcome to your teens! We have a lot of growing up to do.
Good Luck
Sunny

**PhoenixRising** · September 22, 2010, 01:41 PM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Wow Ig, I took 50mg too much on one occasion and had such bad side effects that I thought I had permanently broken something in my head, LOL!! You have quite the strong constitution. I hope Bac works as well for you as it did for me. I got it right the 2nd time around. I dosed up too quickly the first time and gave up, and then the second time I did it very slowly and that was the real deal for me. No cravings are a wonderful thing. I hope you get to enjoy it, too.

**ignominous** · September 22, 2010, 03:01 PM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Went to bed at 11, just woke up its just after after 1. Wow you could set your clock by this stuff. 21/2 hours sleep. That gives me another hour before I start nodding of at the computer!
Its OK Sunny, I've put a lot of far worse things in my body over the years. 3 acid tabs (LSD) which had me trailing my foot on the tarmac at 70mph going down the motorway, just to see what it would feel like. About 2 years of smack (heroin), 2g/day (40% pure). The first time I had a snowball (injection of heroin and cocaine), I really thought I had bought my ticket, my heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to explode or my brain hemorrhage. This was slightly more than the effect I was looking for. Most recenly on my 10 day AF trip, I smoked about 1/2 oz of opium in one night. That'll stop you sleeping and give you clammy sweats for a couple of days. I smoke 3 packets of cigs a day which I think may have increased since bac (have to look at that).
Having put that out there I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your concern. And for that matter I thank my overbearing bitch of a mother (just venting - own the child and all that) for the no sweets, eat your veggies upbringing she gave me which I'm convinced gave me a hearty constitution.
I'm also concerned, no terrified, about whats happening to the wiring in my brain. I'm waiting for some reassurance from some year plus bac users that I'm not heading for a total meltdown. Everything hunky dory and then the next day your a glob spending the rest of your days in the funny farm.
Thanks everyone for the support.

Here's the start of my log:

White European male
49 years
80Kg

Fri 3rd Sept 2010
30mg
3 glasses of whiskey 7 mugs of beer
Getting fleeting (2-5 seconds) intense pressure haedached

Sat 4th
40mg
1/4 bot with 4 mugs of beer. 3 glasses at home
Moments when I fear this last ditch miracle cure is really going to fuck me up good and proper
Want to jump start the bac
Fell asleep on sofa watching film (most out of character). Manged to watch the end but went to bed 9.30
Restless, got up 30mins later bed again

Sun 5th
40mg
3/8 whiskey 6 beers
Bad hangover this morning.
Feeling of dread that I must have made a problem last night. Either at home or in the bar. Amazed to discover nothing untoward had happened

Mon 6th
70mg
2 glasses whiskey
Wife mad at me but says she isn't. Insted she took it out on the maid. Then she had a go at me because I don't stick up for her. I do, wish I'd married someone more mature.

Tues 7th
100mg
1/2 bot 3 beers
Tried to pee in the wardrobe at night. Wife pointed me in the direction of the lav. Peed my bed. Woke up later on my office floor (another bout of incontinence)

**ignominous** · September 22, 2010, 09:06 PM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Tip. Yes I've considered therapy but its not an option where I live. I don't think they have any therapists here. If anyone with knowledge about intimacy would like to give me pointers or psycoanalyse me on the net I'm a willing participant.
Phoenix, thanks for the support. I think I definitely dosed up to quickly a one stage but was/am loath to take a step backwards reducing my daily dose. The SEs seem to have mellowed off for now so am pushing it up to 140mg today.
Giving up (what and waist the next 40 years of my life as well) Its not an option.

**ignominous** · September 22, 2010, 10:40 PM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Sunny I think I was about 6 when she locked me in a cupboard to teach me a lesson that I must obey her or suffer the consequences. She denies this ever happened and I cant be sure but there's no smoke without fire. Unfortunately I think I missed my teens, just got the angst part! Poor me :boohoo: But I learnt how to fight back :boxer:

Log cont.

Wed 8th Sept
100mg
3/8 bot 1 beer

Argument with wife about how I don't support her. I need the support now but she's too immature to see that. Left in the morning with kids to school, didn't come back. Spoke with in laws - said they don't know where she is but didn't sound too worried so I suspect they do.

I'm not too worried, its only a tantrum and I wasn't as wrong as I would have been previously (pre bac).

At one point during our fight I realised that instead of just flaring up, I could control myself.

Held out the phone to her so she could talk to her sister - she hit my hand away. This would have been my cue to slap her - followed by her leaving - followed by remorse and me feeling like a shit.

She left but I hadn't done anything. Maybe she's misunderstanding my idifference. Maybe codependent. Father was an alcoholic. Spoke to her sister about it but her mother not her father was the only one who ever hit her.

Anyway I'll stop analysing her and sort out my own no. 1 problem first.

Despite being a hectic day (pick the kids up from school feed them - wife stuff), I don't feel to bad. There's something to this bac.

Didn't sleep till 4.30, nit sure if its the bac or being upset about my other half.

One other thing is my office with the computer is upstairs and had to go downstairs 3 times to get cigarettes (3 packs a day) because got distracted or forgot what I was doing. Maybe bac can cure me of smoking as well.

Its all good (SEs) Either I get shot, beaten to death, OD or lung cancer.. One or the other. Dying peacefully never seemed to be on the cards. Honestly surprised I got this far. I'm 49.

**Lo0p** · September 22, 2010, 11:27 PM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Couple of eerie similarities here. I started with 150 mgs my first day. I was fine with it too.

Note to anyone reading this: My Dr., Dr. Levin has assured me that this was one of the stupidest and most irresponsible things I could have done. Even more irresponsible of me would be if someone were to read this and think that doing something like that was okay. He said that there is a group of people in Washington (USA) that were allowing doctors to prescribe Baclofen in this manner, tentatively. As soon as people start having major problems they could pull the rug out from underneath us very quickly. If you are going to try it, at the very least please follow a conservative titration schedule.

I peed on my girlfriend once. At least that's what she told me. :nutso:

Will be watching with interest...

**ignominous** · September 23, 2010, 01:46 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log cont.
Thurs 9th Sept
100 mg
AF

Wife came back and wanted me to respond to some inane letter she had writen. But I wouldn't get hooked.
Spoke to Europe on the internet till 1.30 in the morning. Kept nodding off waiting for midnight to come so I could make the call.
Wife still wants to fight - Why?
Didn't drink despite wanting to defy my wife as opposed to because of it. I'm a fighter but clearly choose the wrong fights.
Make sure I hold the banister when going up or down stairs. Almost tumbled the other day, no probs, Als much worse and I have tumbled several of times luckily with no lasting injuries.

**ignominous** · September 23, 2010, 01:56 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log cont.
Fri 10th Sept
100mg
1/4 bot 4 beers

Some argument with wife ostensibly about my daughter's visa. Not clear what the prob is but I think its not what I had previously said about visa. Looking at this subjectively for a second, maybe I'm getting properly fucked up.

Later she came to my office and told me that the medicine (bac) was no good for me and I should stop it. No probs. I chose a child wife, I had my reasons.

2 whiskeys left in the bottle which is strange, normally I would have "killed" the bottle. The 4 beers that I had was with an old friend that we had scheduled for a long time. I initiated the "couple of beers tonight" as we were finishing work. After 2 beers the waiter asked if we wanted more, it was my friend that answered in the affirmative. Aftre the 3rd beer the waiter appeared again, again it was my friend who clearly wanted another. It was strange because we were having a good time but I could have called it a night.

Years ago I used to dink 3 660 ml of 5% beer nightly with occasional binges. When I started drinking regularly with this friend the amount escalated. I had found a facilitator.

Nodding off at computer
Tingleing in legs and feet
Feeling of calm and well being
Heart rate sometimes racing, something like cocaine, euphoria.
Standing up slowly to reduce the vertigo.

**ignominous** · September 23, 2010, 10:25 AM

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log cont.
Sat 12th Sept
100mg
AF

Been blaming other people especially my wife, for me having a tough time, more so today than usually.

There's a house being built next door and they have an unplanned 3rd floor with a window looking into my garden. Went to bed 12.30, got furious about it, got up and got on the internet.

Wanted to drink but really only to spite my wife and the bac. Told her that I would probably drink when she went to bed. Actually I believe the thought made me feel slightly nauseous.

Still nodding off but the SEs have really calmed down. 2 days ago I was thinking of reducing bac but now not a problem - maybe I'll go up tomorrow.

I think I'm also pissed off that it's not even an option to drink myself to oblivion.

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