My story/diary by Ignominous

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Sunny you mirror my sentiments exactly. Thanks for understanding.

Its all just a bit intense at the moment and I know I have this intimacy, codependent thing that I need to deal with quickly or things may go astray again.

For me either I have an inpenatrable guard up or I put it down and have no boundaries what so ever. Disconcerting for me (suddenly I realise I'm in nowhere land and confusing for people around me).

I would like some therapy to address this now but its not an option where I am. Trying to track some free advice/councelling online. Any pointers would be appreciated.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log cont.
Fri 24th Sept
140mg
1/2 bot + 1 glass whiskey

Not in a good place now

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log cont.
Sat 25th Sept
140mg
1/2 bot wiskey

Friend arrived with the long awaited copy of OA's book.
No chance to read it as I don't want any distractions.

Great to see old friends even if they drink as much as I do.

Still constipated



Sun 26yh Sept
140mg
5 beers Less than 1/2 bot of gin! (think my friend drank the lions share, unusual because I previously wouldn't have the patience to wait for someone else to finish their glass before refilling mine).

Haven't found time to get beyond the introduction to OA's book. Want to dissect every word.

SEs minimal.

Load most of the bac in the morning and evening so that my working high point (3-5) is fairly compos mentis. Last morning dose, 12. First evening dose, 6. Maybe why I've fallen into my old habit of arsenic hour.

At least I'm functioning on this schedule.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

LOG
Mon 27th Sept
150mg
Definitely less than 1/2 bot

Really didn't want more to drink. Hangover from last night.

Great liberated chat. Occasional panic attacks, reminiscent of the paranoia I used to get when smoking pot at uni. Ultimately caused me to stop smoking. Caused by me realising I have opened myself up more than usual.

This time the feelings were controllable - I realise people are not out to take over my very being.

All in all another interesting day on Bac. I feel anything is possible with my life. I've always known this but its been so log since I believed it.

Waiting for the the fall (you know - calm before the storm)

Hasn't come yet.

Onwards and upwards!




Tues 28th Sept
150 mg
3 glasses whiskey

Getting panic attacks.

My friend has been with me for 3 days. Lot of quality time. Feel like I'm loosing control




Wed 29th Sept
160mg
4 beers

Friend went back today. Good time. Look forward to him coming back. Glad to have a bit of down time to adjust to my new found feelings and emotions.

Constipation seems to have gone.
Got serious pins and needles when I wake up.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log.
Thurs 30th Sept
160mg
More than a bot of whiskey

Don't know why I did it. Drank 1/4 bot and then decide to get another. The store had run out of 1/4 bottles so I bought a bottle.

Returned to the restaurant I was drinking at. Typically inappropriate behavior with other customers. Good job I left when I did, could have turned ugly. Nevertheless I shall feel a little uneasy when I next return there.

Touched base (the reason for the ignominy has returned). I've really felt I was loosing touch of reality, of myself. I don't want to be defined by my drinking but at least I know where I am with it.

Very frightening. The intimacy (in to me see) issue is really with me and I need to address this in order to get out of alcohol. The bac makes me feel calmer, consequently I allow myself to be more accessible, open and intimate: then I feel I'm in danger and panic.

Part of me thinks that this (binge) might have been part of the goodbye process to an old companion (alcohol).
I wonder if I should have told my friend how I was feeling rather than hoping he wouldn't see a change in me. Face your fears and all that. I can do it, logically I know I'm not going to evaporate if I admitted this but then again maybe I might.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log
Fri 1st Oct
160 mg
5 beers


Buzzy hangover. The thought of taking Bac this morning made me feel a little nauseous.

My mouth feels like an ashtray. Still haven't kept any track of my smoking. Will start from today. Just opened another carton of puffs. (+1)

Went to an expat gathering this evening. Actually had a sober conversation with someone who was interesting. Surprised myself on 2 levels. I used to say I drank to make other people more interesting and I was sober.

Actually left a sip of beer in the glass when we left. Another first.

Last dose of bac was still very unappealing to take.

[Isolde]

My story/diary by Ignominous

ignominous;971055 wrote:
My mouth feels like an ashtray. Still haven't kept any track of my smoking. Will start from today. Just opened another carton of puffs. (+1)

It'll be interesting to see if the bac makes a difference at all with your nicotine intake. Glad you are starting to keep track of it now, and I hope you'll continue to post it in your log entries, as it's something I've been curious about.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

I don't know How much I was smoking before so I will try to do a tally per week.

Wouldn't life be hunky dory if I can get these two birds with one stone!

[tiptronic_ct]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Isolde;971274 wrote: It'll be interesting to see if the bac makes a difference at all with your nicotine intake. Glad you are starting to keep track of it now, and I hope you'll continue to post it in your log entries, as it's something I've been curious about.

That's one battle I still have to win.

The bac did nothing for my smoking. Neither did Wellbutrin, I have to add...

:upset::upset::upset:

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

I read somewhere that nicotine acts on the GABAb the same as Al. But I swear I'm smoking more at present or the Bac is contributing to the bad taste in my mouth (dry mouth variant maybe).

Unfortunately I don't have an accurate record of how much I used to smoke. Cigs are 35 cents a pack here so that was never a crucial factor and I always put my fix before my health.

[Isolde]

My story/diary by Ignominous

I think you're prob. right about the bac contributing somewhat to the bad taste in your mouth, Ig. I definitely find it makes me dehydrated. I wake up in the middle of the night totally parched and dried out. Makes me suck down a ton of water all day, too, which leads to a LOT of bathroom trips! :H Better than dehydration though.

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Log
Sat 2nd Oct
160mg
1/4 bot

Wifey really playing up. Trying ti get a rise out of me. Whatever I say is wrong, well I guess I had it coming.

SEs leveled of to some extent.

When I came back this evening I was being wound up so much by my other half that I considered another drink or maybe another bac. I checked my bac and had another 80mg left to take. I thought I had only 40mg left. Probably why I was getting caught up and wound up.




Sun 3rd Oct
160mg
1/4 bot + 1 glass

Wife really going all out for a fight. I'm just not satisfying her at the moment. God I've got a lot to face.

Posted , om another thread, about my conversation with Dr Levin this morning, Very little response/interest. My mood is very dark.

One of those dark days.






Log.
Mon 4th Oct
160mg
Bottle of red wine!

Yesterday was indeed at the mouth of the abyss into which I could easily fall if I let myself.

This was exasperated by my wife taking a kitchen knife, grabbing my hand and begging me to kill her. Not being senselessly drunk I didn't comply: she then chased my eldest daughter (9) with the knife.

My sister in laws came to the rescue and the situation was defused. It was also explained to me by my hysterical wife that I was wrong to think she could ever harm our children and that she was merely going to ask our daughter the same request that I had denied her. Yeah.

Shortly after this I released some of my vitriol to an optimistic newcomer on another thread. For which I apologise if you ever read this.

The wine? I've always thought how nice it would be to drink a cultured tipple. But that's all it could ever be, a tipple, one bottle could never be enough and at $9 a bottle the cost became prohibitive. I can get a bottle of genuine scotch for $7_8 and the local grog for about a dollar. Baclofen turns you into a snob SE.

The kind words that I have received on this forum have meant a lot to me. New SE no.2: Baclofen turns you into a bleeding heart gusher.

Cigs 1 box + 2

PS. The wine may seem like its a step up in al consumption but the 1/4 bot of whiskey is 20ml so in actual fact if the wine is 12% it actually only gives 12.5% more al than the whiskey. Also only 3 out of the 5 glasses are doing me harm. I read somewhere that 2 glasses of red a day were therapeutic. Yeah.





Tues 5th Oct
160mg
Healthy bottle of wine and a whiskey in case I forget what it tastes like.

Getting back on an even keel on the home front. Maybe I'm being callous but I can't be dealing with my wife's insecurities right now, I wish she could understand but that sentiment will just get tacked onto the bottom of the wish list. First I need to sort this alcohol thing out and I know everything else will follow.

Constipation seems to have gone. Had to do my usual dash to the loo half way through my morning coffee! Been noticing that I have a bloated stomach recently. Undoing the top button of my pants etc. Conversely a couple of people have commented that I look thin / ill. Facing up to the stress, bac or general reduction in alcohol intake?

Cigs 1box + 3



Wed 6th
160mg
1/4 bot

Wine's expensive and gives me a hangover

Constipated



Thurs 7th
160
1/4

My daughter was invited to a birthday party at a hotel
After my 1/4 bot I headed over there
Really not my scene. Ever so nice parents on their best behaviour so I went to the bar for a drink
Really not my scene, siting by myself in a nearly empty grey bar
Headed back to the party and talked banalities with other bored parents, not my scene but better. Weird




Fri 8th
160
1/4 bot

constipation gone
wake up feeling my whole body vibrating (buzzing). Not quite pins and needles and not unpleasant. Can see where the paralysis might come from. Hope not, that would totally freak me.




Sat 9th
160mg
1/2 bot

Woke up thinking that maybe at last the SEs were subsiding
Friend arrived from another city. Went together to a bar to catch up.
He's getting older, not even 10 years older than me, and is facing the prospect of death. People do that here, make atonement for their sins, think positive thoughts, not sure if I agree with all the Theravada Bhudism but people do take death remarkably stoicly. In the West we try to ignore it as long as possible, I prefer here.
Anyway started trying to impose my will on the conversation, uncalled for, he just wanted to talk and vent some of his recent epiphanies.
Also drank more than usual and nearly joined him in going to a night club.

Point is that the Bac may have built up in my system now and its not enough. Also got 'caught up' with some of my wife's tactics when I got home.

Fairly dark later part of day.

Cigs +3




Sun 10th
160mg
1/2 bot

Very pensive day
Constipation gone
SEs diminished
Increasing dose by at least 20 tomorrow. Maybe should just go for broke and suffer the SEs for a short while.
Tried to talk to my wife like an adult. The upshot is she told me I should leave because she has nowhere to go! Like I have!! Made a bed up in my home office, I need some distance but the next room is as far as I can go.



Mon 11th
180mg
Bottle of wine
Lot of self doubt and feel like I'm going of the rails. Maybe just becoming acclimatised to the Bac
Thoughts of suicide, some cries for help on MYO,
Lot of shit to sort out, financial, relationships, what message am I passing on to my kids.
Lets get on with hitting the switch so I can fully address these other issues.
Maybe I shouldn't be working whilst under the influence of Bac

Cigs Another box
so since the 4th
smoked 20+5=25packs
8days
3.125 packets a day



Tues 12th
180mg
1/4 bot
SEs seem quite strong
cigs 1box


Wed 13
180mg
Slightly less than 1/4 bot
Went to a bar with my SO and youngest, I felt one of the waiters was not treating my family/me with respect, so got a bit bent out of shape. Typical pre bac scenario. We left the bar and went home. I couldn't face drinking the remaining shot at home. Pre bac that would have been a cue to say "fuck it, whats the point of trying" and get blottoed.
Also serious self doubts and less of the calm I was feeling before.


Thurs 14th
180mg
1/4 bot
I don't watch TV. If a didn't have a nightly film or 2 or 3 I felt deprived now I just can't see the point. I'd rather sit in front of my computer waiting for a new post on MYO!


Fri 15th
180
1/4
Trying to adjust the doses so I can function better. I thought I would give my 'work window' 3-5 m, a wide berth. So have been trying 60mg when I wake up (6am) and then the rest after 4.30pm. Trouble is that the high concentration sends me high and then I don't come down. So basically I'm spaced for the whole day!
Almost to the point where I can take or leave the first drink but then what would I do with that time space.
Still enjoy the drinking and could drink more if I didn't exercise a modicum of will power.


Sat 16th
180
More than 1/2 bot

Pushed the boat out a bit this evening. Sort of testing the waters. Had small success with work, so part celebration.
Urge to drink is back but the SEs haven't reduced


Sun 17th
180
1/3
Again drinking more than I need. Still feel that I could take it or leave it but alcohol is fun again
Fuck the SEs, I could be hanging around indefinitely waiting for them to subside, so definitely pushing the envelope tomorrow.


Mon 18th
200 mg
3 glasses of whiskey

Placebo effect or what. Maybe I felt relief that I had decided to stop drinking (evidenced by increased dosage). The first glass was an ordeal to start. then easier but I'd had enough by the 3rd.
Started drinking with only 100mg under my belt. half my planned dose still to come. Something going on in my brain and not all bad.
Home front and pending land dispute cases still bad.
All 3 kids vomiting and diareha. Joys of parenthood.
Seem to be getting back to some of the old regularity on the bowel front.......er behind.


Tues 19th
200
More than 1/3 bot

Got caught in an excuse to drink more than my regular 1/4
Didn't mix with the increased bac. Bad night, only 1 1/2 hours sleep. Strange with the little sleep I've been getting I still don't feel exhausted. Maybe its going to catch up with me.



Wed 20th
200
1/4 bot

Panic attacks
Return of my herpes on my bum. Which makes me think that I must be exhausted even though I don't really feel it.
Wife seems to have calmed down and all the children are healthy again.



Thurs 21
200
1/4
Things looking good
Panic attacks under control and alls good at home


Fri 22
200
1/4

Went swimming with the kids. They got cold quickly so maybe not fully recovered.
It was fairly difficult to start drinking! I still look forward to it but when it came to it, it seemed a bit of a chore. Once I got started, it was OK and could have gone on. Don't know if I should be waiting and reliying on the switch so much.
SEs are definitely subsiding


Sat 23
200


Lost my phone yesterday in a taxi. Maybe acted too proud for my expected status ie foreigner who doesn't know shit. Anyway the taxi driver is being a shit head and teaching me a lesson in humility. I will try to act more humble in future though its not really me, other people prefer that to the truth.
Upshot, had big argument with wife because she chastised the taxi driver over the phone which of course only fuelled his one upmanship.
Trouble just when things seemed to be on track
SEs down will move up tommorow

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

LAST EDIT: 10/23/1010 7.38PM MY TIME

To finish off Sat
Only drank 3 whiskeys


Sun 24
220
About 1/3 bot
SEs seem really heavy. But again must be my mind playing tricks on me as I haven't given the Bac enough time to build up in my CNS
Maybe 2 different SEs
1) Immediate hit
2) Build up
Still enjoying drinking

[ignominous]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Fuck. Bumped it by mistake.
Fucking internet connection. More haste less speed is the lesson!

[tiptronic_ct]

My story/diary by Ignominous

Ig,

Oney (one2many) taught me to swear Irish-style.

I now say "feck" and not "fuck". One of our resident Aussies has also taught me about "fusk".

Stay the course, and you will get there - your broadband too

:goodjob: